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Author Topic: bf just tested positive  (Read 3231 times)

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Offline dawningmoment

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bf just tested positive
« on: December 13, 2011, 12:05:14 am »
Hi all. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.  So, as the title suggests, my bf tested positive about 3 days ago. I tested negative. I top, he bottoms.  We have never had protective sex since we've been together and that's since June officially, while dating in April and May.  I found out from him within the last month that he's had a lot of unprotected random sex just prior to meeting me.  So, presumably that's when he contracted it although he probably doesn't know who from.  The funny thing is he tested negative in August so he found it hard to believe that he could test positive now but the counselor who revealed his status told him that it just may have taken longer than the average 3 month incubation period.  Anyway, so obviously I have some concern that I've been infected and possibly just incubating at this point. I've been through another relationship with a very different and actually worse problem so I'm no stranger to dealing with a hard relationship issue and I know that first line of defense and offense is knowledge and everyday I educate myself a little more. As well as my mom has been HIV+ for the past almost 20 years now and continues to be in good health.  I feel like I may already be infected and I've accepted and am ok with it.  If it turns out to be a scare than that's fine too. My real issue is how he feels and how he's doing.  I know that he's very upset.  He's been beating himself up about it.  He already has self esteem issues and this is kind of just piling on top.  I've done everything I can think of and continue to do everything possible that I can to reassure him that I'm OK with everything and want to help him through this in any way possible including having him speak to my mom, who he's yet to even meet, about her experiences. I know that he's scared I'll leave him over this. he also doesn't feel worthy of being with me because he feels I'm better off with someone who's negative.  It makes me really angry when he says these things even though I know they spring mostly from his insecurities.  Yesterday he told me he didn't want to depend on me emotionally about this particular issue. that he would just deal with his friends who are like his family.  This hurt, badly.  I felt as if he was trying to put distance between us, and even if that wasn't his goal that he would succeed in doing that anyway if he kept on with that line of thinking.  I told him how I felt about it and told him I felt he was projecting his insecurities on me and that it wasn't fair and that he would wind up causing a rift between us if he kept on this way.  He apologized and told me he would work on it. I partly believe him only.  I'm really just scared of losing him, of him letting his insecurities get the best of him, resulting in pushing me away.  I know that the best I can do is empathize and I've told him this.  I do love him very much and will stick by him no matter what.  Sometimes I just don't know if I'm pushing too hard. Maybe I speak about it too much, I've been burying myself in HIV/AIDS related information since we found out, as is how I usually tackle something, and I just want to share everything I can with him so that he is better prepared to handle everything that's going on as well. I know this post isn't terribly focused and I'm not sure if I have a point other than sharing and getting this off my chest.  But I'm just scared of losing him right now.  I want to do the right thing and be there for him.  I just hope that I'm not doing anything that would make him think I wouldn't.  Thanks for listening.

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: bf just tested positive
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2011, 03:11:18 am »
Hey dawning,

Itís not even been a week since your bf tested poz. His thoughts are likely caught in a whirlwind of fears and strong emotions. It takes time to grieve, mentally process and come to terms with everything.

An HIV diagnosis is a shock and it takes time adjust. Allow him that time. Be there for him but try not to have expectations of him conforming to your yardsticks of appropriate behaviour, cos even though youíre very upset you canít possibly fully gauge his feelings at this time.

So, in a nutshell, Iíd suggest you give him some leeway and let him behave and feel in whatever way comes to him naturally. Just be there for him and let him know that. Slowly, in time he should revert to his old self.

Be strong.

Best and of course I hope you continue to test negative.
« Last Edit: December 14, 2011, 03:18:05 am by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Andy Velez

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  • Posts: 34,126
Re: bf just tested positive
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2011, 12:58:44 pm »
Dawning, this is still obviously still very, very new for both of you guys.

It sounds like you are dealing with it thoughtfully and considerately. Continue talking as simply and directly as you can with your bf. Avoid making interpretations of his behavior and rather just say as simply as you can what your thoughts and feelings. Without pressuring him, encourage him to continue talking.

Whatever the challenges of dealing with this new element in your relationship, you are still the same two guys who were drawn to each other.

You do need to get tested to clarify your HIV status. And assuming you test negative, you do need to be using condoms for anal intercourse in the future to keep it negative.

As things evolve you are welcome to talk here. You'll find a lot of knowledgeable support among the members.

Keep going. You guys can work through this together.

Andy Velez


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