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Author Topic: Had sex with HIV+ guy  (Read 3184 times)

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Offline aoikirin

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Had sex with HIV+ guy
« on: December 03, 2011, 08:30:18 AM »
I had sex with a guy who did not tell me he was hiv+ until I asked him after.  (Really smart timing on my part right)  He was French and was visiting my area in the US.  It wasn't really a hookup as we spent the weekend together doing various things.

Anyway, he was infected in 95, and told me that as he was on treatment and was undetectable, the risk of passing it on was almost impossible.  He was a really nice guy who I am still in contact with 2 years later.  Spending the weekend with him, I got to know him a bit.  I really have a hard time believing that he would have put me at risk like that if he knew it was a risk.  He also had no hesitation in telling me that he was positive - it flew out of him.  I believe that made me feel a great deal less angry at him.

His explanation for not having told me beforehand was his undetectable status.  I really hate that he didn't tell me, but it was my responsibility to ask and I didn't. 

Anyway, fortunately he did not fuck me, but I did fuck him without a condom....and I am not circumcised.  I know the risk for uncircumcised is higher.

He looked really good - he was in his mid 50's but did not look his age at all.  This just goes to show you that you can never know if someone is infected on appearances alone.

I have not gotten a test yet.  I am in a transitional period in my life and have had a number of really bad disappointments back to back.  I suffer from manic depression and barely made it through to college graduation.  Now that I am graduated, I am looking for the right opportunity to move back to the area I went to college and start my new life. 

I am very close to my parents, with whom I currently live.  I could never tell them if I were positive.   It would make their lives so much harder.  My plan consists of the following:  Work on getting that independence to move away from home and back up to where I went to school.  With a new life in motion, and not living near family I can get tested and deal with the results if they are unpleasant. 

I need to have something tangibly positive in my life, no pun intended before that potential diagnosis, and I need to be away from family so I can hide it.  (Hiding the emotional impact is what I worry about most) I don't think I would be able to hide it from them successfully, and I also currently do not have health insurance, so it's not like I would be able to afford medication if the need arose. 

I should be able to get this new life in no more than a year or so.  If I get tested now, I fear I would give up on life and never do what I want to do with it.  (I also think I would maybe kill myself given the bipolar + hiv status)  My life is already challenging enough without extra gifts.

With something to look forward to, independence, and a way to hide my diagnosis from family, I could live with a positive diagnosis.  What do you think?

I realize this is terribly long and convoluted, but I truly appreciate this resource as I have no one I can speak about this with. 

So how great a risk was it for me to have had insertive anal sex with a positive guy who was *hopefully truthfully undetectable*?

Is my plan callous?  To avoid testing until I have some of the things I want and need in my life, like independence, insurance, privacy away from my family?

I have worried many a sleepless night about this, and as you can tell I have thought through all of the scenarios.  I very much appreciate you reading all this.

Thank you

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Had sex with HIV+ guy
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2011, 08:42:19 AM »
You can obtain your conclusive negative test result 3 months post exposure.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Had sex with HIV+ guy
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2011, 09:48:43 AM »
First of all, you can have anal intercourse both receptive and insertive anytime you want to. But you need to always do it the safer way which means making sure a condom is used everytime. No exceptions. You are responsible for your own health and this is not about guessing if the guy looks healthy or what he says about his status. Sometimes even a well meaning person does not know his accurate status, so a condom is a must everytime.

As to your specific concern about your relationship with the Frenchman, some facts are in your favor. As the insertive partner your risk was significantly lower than if you had been receptive. The unprotected sex was for a limited period of time which is also in your favor.

I recommend getting tested. Hopefully you will have scooted by safely and get a negative. But if you don't,  knowing your status puts you in the best position to maintain your health. Keep us posted if you decide to test. Good luck.

Andy Velez

Offline aoikirin

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Re: Had sex with HIV+ guy
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2011, 10:08:36 PM »
Thank you for the feedback.  But what do you think of my plan of waiting to test a bit so that I can have the above-mentioned things?

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Had sex with HIV+ guy
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2011, 10:21:19 PM »
Since I'll be civil, I digress.

Offline aoikirin

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Re: Had sex with HIV+ guy
« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2011, 01:47:19 AM »
Since I'll be civil, I digress.

Pardon?  Remember the old adage .... if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  

Your contributions in this thread brought no new information to me, and they did not address what I was asking.  I don't understand why you would be surprised why I would reiterate my original question given that you didn't answer it at all.  

People come here for comfort and assurance, not snide comments. 
« Last Edit: December 04, 2011, 01:52:55 AM by aoikirin »

Offline RapidRod

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Re: Had sex with HIV+ guy
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2011, 04:49:58 AM »
And if you noticed, I didn't.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Had sex with HIV+ guy
« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2011, 08:58:20 AM »
Aoik, we're not here to get into a discussion about the morality of your choices nor to get into snippy exchanges. So let's stick the real issues.

Experience has shown that knowing your accurate HIV status is very important.

If you test positive it puts you in the best position to focus on maintaining your health. I say that not because I expect you to test positive. What seems to me the most crucial issue in what you have reported is your reliance on what someone else said about his status to have you making an unwise choice to have unprotected intercourse.

In the future you should always be using condoms. Period. The only time you can safely dispense with using them is if and when you find yourself in a securely monogamous relationship in which both partners have reliably tested negative at the same time.

Good luck with your test if  you decide to do it and which I urge you to do.
Andy Velez

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Had sex with HIV+ guy
« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2011, 09:55:22 AM »

If you wait until you've obtained all the things in life that you want to before you decide to test, and if you actually are hiv positive from this encounter (or any other unprotected encounter where the guy may have said he was neg, but didn't really know - or lied), then you might find that by that time, you are too ill to enjoy any of the benefits you're trying to gain.

So yes, if you ask me, your plan is foolish in the extreme.

Your hiv status is never something to guess about. If you are positive, the sooner you know, the sooner you can take steps to preserve your health and go on to do all the things you're planning on doing. Because yes, you can still do all those things - but you must have your health in order to do them.

Don't wait until hiv lands you in hospital at death's door. It can happen suddenly. Plenty of people have felt fine one week, and found themselves in hospital fighting for their lives the next - all because of UNDIAGNOSED hiv.

Get your ass tested and quit quibbling about it. Just DO IT.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts


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