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relationships/what to do

how to tell
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Total Members Voted: 1

Author Topic: frsehly diagnosed / relationship advice  (Read 4949 times)

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Offline dudeitsmedweeb

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frsehly diagnosed / relationship advice
« on: October 19, 2011, 04:38:39 PM »
Hello, I'm 26 yo m, always been known as Mr. careful , the non steotypical guy who was afraid of dating because of catching something. I never had one serious relationship up until recently. Early this year I suffer a mild depression phase , got drunk one night and did hook up, I felt bad about it but I tested neg. during my routine check in April.
This past Aug. I met the most amazing guy 25 yo college guy, humble, comes from a nice family, I felt like I was finally on the path to happiness, we even joked about marriage , he is about 2 years out from the closet and his family is very supportive.
We actually decided to wait on intimacy however at some point we became active and just to be on the safe side we decided to get our results, I went to the lab, assuming I would be okay, ( my partner had send me a picture of his neg. results done a week before mine) however mine were the opposite as I just found out this past Friday, like every person who first finds out I became very stresssed, sad, suicidadal, and all those negative feelings =(
I'm now in a very difficult place becuase prior to receiving my result I had told my bf that mine hd come back clean ( said that becuase I had not heard from my doctor and I just assumed he mailed my results like he ussually did) however that was not the case, and I am very afriad I have transmitted him this to him, I had my first visit with my new doctor who has told me all about what to expect and know about hiv. I did some further testing to find out where I stand , he believes because I'm freshly diagnosed I should be okay, however I can't keep thinking how my bf will react, how I will tell him, and more than anything , have I passed that on to him? we did not play safe because we were both at mind knowing we were okay, i never orgasm in him, but he loved to swallow every time, which in a way its still the same, right?
gosh.. I can't stop freaking out, I need help, this is now no longer about me,but about the person who I for the first time love. HELP!!!!! PLEASE, I'M SAD

Offline hope_for_a_cure

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Re: frsehly diagnosed / relationship advice
« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2011, 05:28:05 PM »
Hey dude,

Very sorry to read of the circumstances you have described.  There is no one 'best' answer but I would recommend that you focus on coming to terms with this news first.  Ways to do this vary and there have been many others who come to the forums with similar situations.  I will say that things are not easy to sort out during the first month or so but you have found a great place for support and information.  I will take this opportunity to welcome you here.

If you have time to, read through other threads posted in the 'I Just Tested Poz' section and you will see many responses that speak to similar situations.  My advice for the immediate future is to focus on yourself mainly (not totally) and gain some more knowledge about this virus. 

Personally, I would let my partner know but do so when you have gained enough composure so as to discuss this as calmly as possible.  I hope he can provide support for you.  Try not to play out scenarios in your mind because that will just add to the stress.  I feel sure others here will provide some input. 

Sending you my best! 

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: frsehly diagnosed / relationship advice
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2011, 07:03:32 PM »
Concentrate on yourself and this news.

Tell this guy you are now diagnosed positive. See if he is in the picture for the future or not. 

If you were fucking him without a condom when you were positive, of course he was at risk.  Does not matter if you came or not. Even without coming, it is a risk.  Sperm in the mouth is much less a risk but some doctors in some countries put that on "low risk", so again, your bf needs to know you are positive and he needs to get tested.

You need to learn about safe sex because your information and your choices so far seem a bit fuzzy.

« Last Edit: October 19, 2011, 07:08:44 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Maelrod

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Re: frsehly diagnosed / relationship advice
« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2011, 07:40:33 PM »
Hey kid, is horrible heard this diagnosis, nothing else to do. It's done! Be brave and tell your bf what going on with you if he really love you will understand the cituacion if not walk on the side, from the day you found you'd poz status must be completely honest with yourself...my bf is  neg we still together after 14 months In the personal. Nothing is the same  but he is the must supportive person that ever meet...I know where I get it from I feel silly any time I remember that day in November of 2009 but the time can go back ... I'm telling you my history just to let you know that the time can help.  Good look and do your best. Mael
« Last Edit: October 19, 2011, 07:44:43 PM by Maelrod »
Is better STOp living in the past, the I SHOULDn't doesn't exist.

Offline dudeitsmedweeb

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Re: frsehly diagnosed / relationship advice
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2011, 09:26:20 PM »
I just had a meeting with a therapist , it helped relieve some stress , he told me it's ok to be upset , it's been under 7 days since I found out , I keep feeling like I'm a cry baby , but the truth is that I need to learn to live and accept this new me.

As far as my boyfriend goes , I'm not planning on keeping this a secret , I'm just in shock and I don't want to loose him , however I'm just waiting on me to built more strength. And I'm also waiting on my new blood exams to come back .. So I hope by tomorrow or Friday at the latest I'll share this all .
Unfortunately , I know for a fact this will end my relationship , even if he loves me as much as I love him it's unfair to put someone through this :(

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: frsehly diagnosed / relationship advice
« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2011, 09:45:32 PM »
Its a nasty virus.  Nothing more nothing less.  Hardly the definition of who you are.
You live in a country with good treatment?  
If so, what exactly do you mean, "put him through this..."
If you want him in your life, let him decide what he can deal with or not.

He was taking risks having unsafe sex with you, you haven't known each other very long. He made that decision. Same as you.  He is no different than you, no better, no worse.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline scared2b

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Re: frsehly diagnosed / relationship advice
« Reply #6 on: October 20, 2011, 02:32:02 AM »
Hey hun. I can totally understand how you're feeling. it is one of the worst feelings in the world to get this diagnosis. But it always is a horrible news to get any diagnosis. I was like you, very safe and very non-stereotypical whatever that is but it seems viruses dont discriminate. I got my results 3 months ago and it feels like it has been a year already. it is a very hard thing to go through but you will get through it is what I hear and what i'm beginning to experience.

listen if you see yourself in his life there is no other way to do it but to tell him. if you think you need help I suggest that you find a good counsellor a doctor that you feel comfortable with and tell him in their presence or tell him yourself at home, somewhere safe. You never know, people do surprise you. But I hope you take care of yourself too.

I dont know where you live and all that but msg me if you need help to get through this. There are several nice people here that had helped me get through this hardest part of my life and I continue counting on them. And I hope that I can do the same for u.

my only advice is not to freak out. find your near center that help with HIV+ youth and talk to them. Get help for yourself and your partner. And if you ever feel suicidal please please stop and call 911. that will hurt your partner, friends, family and all of us even more...

hang in there <3

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: frsehly diagnosed / relationship advice
« Reply #7 on: October 20, 2011, 05:04:12 AM »
Hey might be nice to drop this idea of a "stereotypical" gay guy and somehow this stereotype has something to do with people who are this "stereotype" becoming positive.  Thus your surprise..  Scared2b also suggests the same, when he says "what ever that is".

That is going nowhere. No basis for these categories you are creating.

Also, when you were afraid of dating because you were afraid of catching something..  That is rather frequent.  In fact so frequent I would say its a category of gay guys!!  But I wouldnt say that because it would be creating a stereotype.  :o  

I personally wonder, when I hear such things, that someone may have a fear of commitment, fear of assuming a gay identity, fear of intimacy, being projected onto a fear of disease.  

I mean it is healthy to have some fear of HIV - motivates people to practice safe sex. Once someone gets the rules of safe sex down, the fear moves into the background.  

I think you are displaying a certain fear of intimacy.  Before, when you avoided dating.  And now, when you are assuming your lover wont want to be with you. Or when you are deciding you don't want him anyway, because you dont want to put him through something, whatever that is.

I am sure you are nice guy who has a lot to offer. Hopefully your boyfriend fell for the total you. In most cases this is true. 

« Last Edit: October 20, 2011, 05:22:51 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline dudeitsmedweeb

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Re: frsehly diagnosed / relationship advice
« Reply #8 on: October 20, 2011, 10:42:20 AM »
thank you for the feedback guys! After my counseling session I decided to call my boyfriend and told him there was something I impoartant I wanted to talk about, tomorrow is the big day, I'm going to do my best to not let anxiety take over , but it willl be difficult.
and yes, hopefully he did fall in love with the real me and isn't too scared away, currently my intuition is telling me that things will be okay, howver there is no guarantee of telling what will happen.. sigh..

one thing I realized yesterday during my counseling session is that I'm more heart broken about my relationship falling appart rather than being infected.. its like a 70/30.. I am scared and worried about my future living HIV poz, however for some strange reason my fears are concentrated in loosing my first love, he means the world to me and that is what I'm scared of the most.

I am lucky to have a good medical insurance, and I am officially under medical care of a infectious desease physician, unfurtunately the hiv/gay communities in the area have lost their funding , therefore the only sources are my close friends, my therapist, and poz.com. Thank YOU!

Offline spacebarsux

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  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: frsehly diagnosed / relationship advice
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2011, 04:34:59 PM »
Hi dude,

You've already received some great advice here. Just hope you're taking care of yourself and not letting your mind wander a million miles per second imagining all sorts of horrific things.

I would just say be honest with this guy and if he loves you as much as you love him he'll stick by you. But whatever happens, do know that you have a long, productive life ahead of you. At this point, I'd say concentrate on yourself.

Bug hug.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%


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