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Author Topic: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.  (Read 10005 times)

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Offline Fated2loveyou

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Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« on: August 12, 2011, 01:52:15 PM »
Hi forums,
 I just found this website a week ago and decided to register an account now; Iíve been browsing and reading a lot comforting support on this forum. Iím seeking some advice and support for myself too at the moment.

I was diagnosed HIV+, around the end of June 2011.
So, itís been about a month now. I try really hard to stay strong but every day I find myself sinking slowly to the bottom of the sea.

My lifestyle had gotten dreadful, am already a reclusive and lazy person to begin with.. Now I feel physical and mentally tired.. of trying to do anything. I know I am supposed to change my lifestyle, but I feel to depress to even try to improve. Iíve been eating a lot of junk and fast food to make myself feel better and Indulging myself with all night gaming that result in lack of sleep, insomnia and fatigue. I only sleep less than 2-5 hours per day.. and when I do sleep I would experience horrible nightmare.

I know what Iím suppose to do, yet I am not doing anything to improve myself. I absolutely have no self- discipline. My hope feels like it slowly fading away. Iím slowly killing myself in this process.

But I donít want to give up yet, even so it seems like I stop caring about my life. I still want to live for the people who care and still love me. I still want to contribute society and help other before I leave this world. I canít understand why I canít just go out, try new things, explore and change my life. Why is it so hard for me? I donít like feeling this weak, lonely and pathetic :[

Being optimistic is not helping, at least not for me.. because Iím tired of putting on a fake smile when I am truly unhappy. I donít want to tell my best friend how I really feel, cause I donít want to make them sad or worry.

I ask myself every day, what I should be thankful for. I know there things worst than HIV. Iíve already been through a lot since my father and best friend passed away within the last 2 years. Being positive just fueled my depression.

Where can I find the strength to keep staying strong? I want to be successful and finish my education in college. Iím 19, I donít even want to think about relationship in the future, but it canít be helped. It feel Iíve been murder and betrayed by my previous relationshipÖso whoís going to love me? now that I am HIV +. My self-esteem has fallen off the earth atmosphere.  Am glad I still have a sense of humor though.. something I can joke about HIV and laugh about it once a while.

Just last night, I popped on a song ďshake it offĒ by Mariah Carey and start dancing like nobody is watching, thanks buddha nobody was watching lol. being in a good mood doesnít last to long for me, because my conscious is not at ease. HIV is still knocking on my mind door, trying to sell me negative thoughts.

I hope I didnít bore you to sleep forum. Sorry for typing so much, I wanted to release some feeling bottle up inside and needed someone to listen. Thanks you for taking your time to read, I appreciated it =)
-Sincerely  Timmy.
"You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough."

Offline Billy B

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2011, 02:27:51 PM »
Hello Timmy- I hope that you are feeling better today. You did not mention whether or not you have a ID doctor or visited a clinic. I have been + for many many years (1993) but I was also "lost" so to speak until I saw my first IDS that I still have today. He assured me that everything would be OK but that I had to take responsibility for my health in order for him to help me. While I am no saint I did quit a lot of bad unhealthy habits that I had. As you stated in your post you know what you are doing wrong so please start doing what is right and it will be OK.
VL 4420 CD4 340 CD4% 24   3/15/10 Started I&T
VL  UD   CD4 340 CD4% 26.5 05/13/10
VL  UD   CD4 360 CD4% 27.1 08/3/10
VL  UD   CD4 310 CD4% 28.4 11/22/10
VL  UD   CD4 420 CD4% 27.9 02/11/11
VL  UD   CD4 370 CD4% 26.4 06/08/11
VL  UD   CD4 360 CD4% 27.7 09/23/11
VL  UD   CD4 370 CD4% 28.3 01/20/12
VL  UD   CD4 430 CD4% 28.8 05/11/12
VL  UD   CD4 370 CD4% 28.1 09/07/12
VL  UD   CD4 390 CD4% 32.3 03/14/13
VL  UD   CD4 450 CD4% 29.8 09/10/13
VL  UD   CD4 430 CD4% 31.0 04/29/14
VL  UD   CD4 520 CD4% 34.8 11/05/15
VL  UD   CD4 440 CD4% 33.5 03/10/15
VL  UD   CD4 450 CD4% 30.5 08/23/16

Offline le_liseur

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2011, 04:31:03 PM »
Hello Timmy, welcome to this forum. I'm happy you registered here, because I'm sure you'll find this place of great help and the people here very friendly, helpful, even if some of them sometimes have their ways of telling what they think!  ;D

First of all, do you know what is your situation about your infection? Since you've been recently diagnosed, you probably just went through a few more blood tests, and you probably got your CD4 count and viral load results? Did your doctor explained these things to you and were your results in the good numbers range?  :)

Secondly, it's already a huge step you took by noting something is not going well, and that it made you change your habit of eating, sleeping, etc. It's normal reaction, since the news you got isn't that simple to take at first. If you're worried about HIV, you need to know that you'll be fine, like a lot of other people who went through this and paved the way for us. If you're not already seeing a doctor for follow-ups, you should now, and it will help you live a long and good life, by taking care of yourself.

I feel like you need to speak about this, but like you said, you don't want to cause pain or sadness to your friends and relatives. If there is absolutely nobody to talk about this right now in your circles, you would be best to consider seeing a specialist. It doesn't have to be a shrink! Tho it wouldn't be a bad thing neither, as it would still be very normal to see one (they can help you by listening to you, and simply letting you talk all you want). On the other hand, maybe because of your age and budget, if your school doesn't give that counseling service, etc. you could probably find an association near you where there must be someone who could help you and listen to you.

Meeting other people who share this would probably be a good boost for you. Most associations also offer fun activities, where you could probably meet other people your age, which could be good.

Now I'm the one hoping I didn't bore you or anyone else with this long post! he he

Hang in there, and try to put a maximum hour for videogames! You need to sleep well, it's good for you! ;)

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2011, 04:41:49 PM »
Hi Timmy, Everything that you are feeling and describing is perfectly 'normal' for a newly diagnosed person. Just a month from now you will feel better and bit better a month from then...and 6 months from today you will feel like the same old Timmy.

You're only 19 and you have your entire life ahead of you and lots more Mariah Carey songs to sing ;)

Hang in there buddy, it gets better. You'll be ok.  :)
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline WillyWump

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2011, 05:13:48 PM »
Hi Timmy,

I just wanted to say Welcome to our humble abode  :)  you have many friends here.


POZ since '08

Last Labs-
11-6-14 CD4- 871, UD
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir

Offline Fated2loveyou

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2011, 05:54:35 AM »
Whoop sorry for triple posting, or spamming on accident. Had the contact admin error thingy

@Billy b.
   Thanks billl, I will try to start working on my habit.. one step at a time..I keep telling myself  ďTomorrow is going to be the day!Ē  but that day never come. I am currently going to a public clinic once every 2-3 month. My currently CD4 count is 535 and VL at 50K. I havenít been prescribe any medication yet.. when will I need to start? wow youíre positive since 1993? I admire your will against HIV, It inspirational.

   Thanks le_liseur, glad you took the time to write a nice long post for me, I appreciate it. Yes I am currently following up with an HIV specialist. The doctors said my immune system is still putting up a fight, so I havenít been prescribed any medication yet. An associations does sound interesting.. where can I find their resource and facility? online?. Iím also extremely shy, and not very good at socializing. So a group might be to overwhelming for me haha. Any how I have you guys on here to talk to, right? xP
Ah game are the hardcore kind of drug, hard to quit but Iíll try to reduce it. Should I ask the doctor for prescribed sleeping pill? I heard it was bad for you if youíre poz. :x

   Thanks __barsux.  Ugh I just want to be happy now. I wanna be loved, married and rich now. aw oh well. Mhm you reminded me of a song ďLeona Lewis - Better In TimeĒ I think Iíll just pop that on and dance to it too xD aha. Iím still hanging tightly here, thanks for the support buddy :D

 Hi will, thanks willy :D. I feel welcomed. I definitely need more friends I can share and relate.
"You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough."

Offline le_liseur

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2011, 10:57:04 AM »
Tim, there's probably a local association where you are. It probably has a website online or something. If not, maybe you can call your clinic to know of one. The first few months after my diagnostic, I went to a monthly meeting meant for poz youth, and it was nice to see other guys my age in the same situation, how they dealt with this, but also how it was easy to just be with them, and talk about anything while knowing you could talk about HIV too if you needed to.

Your numbers are good, so you probably wont get a doctor advice to start the meds soon. What is important now is your CD4 count, and as long as you're over 500, you're fine. Your viral load is a little high, but this is normal, as you're still early in your infection timing or so it seems, and it's a body reaction that make the viral load skyrise at first. It will probably lower a lot soon. :) Just go to your next checkup and don't worry about starting meds now.

As for the sleeping pill, I have no idea if it affects or not our health to us pozzies in particular. I wouldn't assume so but maybe someone else could give us more information.  ??? There are probably other ways you could get to your normal sleep routine. And sadly, videogames and anything 'screen related' will not help to go there. It might be hard to do, but you should try to not spend time in front of a computer about an hour before going to bed, so you can fall asleep easier. Maybe you can try the warm bubble bath to help you too haha Or get a book. Or tea. Or do some exercice, jogging, whatever, then a hot shower, then sleep. But I'm pretty sure spending a few hours playing videogames before bedtime isn't good for this, especially if you keep on playing to get to the next checkpoint or savepoint or goal... ;) I used to play a lot a few years ago, and I know how you can find yourself in the early next morning without knowing it! Some games are so good! haha

Books are better in my opinion, tho. ;)

Take care until next time!

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2011, 12:09:10 PM »
You've got a great positive outlook mate. You'll be fine !

Sometimes, especially emotionally, it might get difficult- when it does just pop on your favourite song and shed your worries away. You already know it works like a charm for you  ;)

« Last Edit: August 13, 2011, 12:21:20 PM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Rev. Moon

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2011, 12:46:48 PM »
Hi Philicia!  I thought you had changed that avatar.

O waits  :o... It's a new member...

Welcome to the AM forums, kid.
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline Cojo

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2011, 08:16:05 PM »
Hey Timmy,

First off, welcome to the forum. I was diagnosed just about 3 months ago and like spacebarsux said, it does get easier each month until you start to feel like you again (because of course, you haven't changed!). The first month was hell. I thought about HIV every waking moment. Sleep was the only respite from obsessive thinking until morning hit and then WHAM, it all came back.
I have found that in the busyness of my day, I think about it less often. Time also gives perspective on what is real and what is just fear. My therapist described it as " the shadow of the monster is much bigger than the monster itself". At the end of the day, with good habits, good healthy choices and the miracle drugs, we will be just fine. So start saving for that retirement - you are gonna need it.
May 2011 - Tested Positive
June 2011 - CD4 330   16%   VL182,000 no resistance
Oct 6, 2011 - CD4 300  20%  VL 60,000
Oct 7, 2011 - start Truvada / Isentress
Nov 29, 2011 CD4 280 26% VL 54
Feb 7 2012 CD4 260 25% UD!
Mar 20 2012 CD4 400 28%
June 2012 CD4 330 26% UD
Sept 2012 CD4 450 32% UD
Dec 2012 CD4 310 28% UD
May 2013 CD4 500 32% UD
Oct 2013 CD4 460 33% UD
May 2014 CD4 360 33% UD
Aug 2014 swap out Isentress for Tivicay
Oct 2014 CD4 320 33% UD
Feb 2015 CD4 420 30% UD
Jul 2015 CD4 480 32% VL51 !!
Sep 2015 UD
Feb 2016 CD4 460 35% UD
Aug 2016 CD4 378 33% UD

Offline 10flyingmonkeys

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2011, 02:06:57 AM »
Hi Timmy,

I have gone through pretty much what you are going through right now. May I suggest that you find a mental health counselor to talk to. I found that I finally came to terms with being poz by trying to remember that it is a manageable illness and not the death sentence that it could have been just a few years ago. I also quit criticing myself for things I wasn't doing, but to praise myself for things I was doing right. Being poz isn't the end of your life, it is just a new stage in your life and only you can be the person that decides how you want to respond to it. As for the sleeping issue, my Psych. Nurse just put me on Xanax and I have finally started sleeping for the first time in over 16 years. Plus it helps with social anxiety issues. Another thing that has helped me is meeting people that have been poz for 30 years and are doing extremely well. And the new meds that are out don't have the terrible side effects of meds in the past. And also remember that you aren't going through this alone. There are a lot of people that you can talk to and it really helps to build a good, solid support network that includes friends, family and health care workers. It sounds like a cliche, but it does get easier with time. I have discovered in myself a strength that I never knew existed. And I am sure that you will find yours. Good luck and keep in touch and let people know how you are doing.

Offline paradiseboy

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2011, 12:51:48 PM »
hi timmy youre not alone,

i have been poz for the past one and a half years ,still learning everyday ,and still questioning now what my self, being a buddhist helped me tremendously ,i always knew what the buddha taught  but now i understand it,believeme we understand you ,you are with friends now timmy  a big hug to you from far away .

Offline Jablair09

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2011, 10:48:42 AM »
One thing you will find is that your MIND SET is going to help you live a long and healthy life...but ONLY IF YOU CHANGE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING. Believe me, when I was first diagnosed on Nov. 20th 1997, I was told that I would not live to see my 31st birthday just over a year later. Well, here I am almost 14 years later and healthier than I have been in MANY YEARS. I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia as well and that is FAR MORE debilitating than HIV EVER HAS BEEN. You need to find yourself a local HIV organization that offers group therapy, or even one-on-one, (I recommend GROUP because you have the potential of creating a network of friends and other people IN THE SAME SITUATION AS YOURSELF who can and will help you through these initial few months. However, the MIND IS A VERY POWERFUL TOOL.....USE IT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. I did and beat all of the odds. There have been 6 times over the course of the first 8 years after my diagnosis that my family has been called in from across the country because doctors told them that "if you want to see your son/brother before he expires, you need to be here within the next 48-72 hours". I AM STILL HERE 14 YEARS LATER!! My mother and sister helped me move back from Tennessee back in '99. My mother told me 10 years later that she "though at the time that they were bringing me home to die".

It's very difficult to deal with it alone......SO DON'T!! Find some friends with whom you feel comfortable sharing your status and your concerns, seek out professionals (not just doctors but psychologists and counsellors as well) to help you ... most importantly ... BREAK THAT RECLUSIVE YOKE AROUND YOUR NECK, THINK POSITIVE and GET YOURSELF A SUPPORT NETWORK...LOCALLY as well as online. Good luck and keep a positive mindset.

Offline Theyer

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #13 on: September 02, 2011, 05:29:33 AM »
Just want to send a quiet welcome, take care off yourself Timmy and remember we are here
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline rothkoartist

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #14 on: September 02, 2011, 06:38:59 PM »
ok how does this work?

Offline Fated2loveyou

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #15 on: October 24, 2011, 04:17:30 AM »
Hi guys, thanks for all the support! I appreciate it very much.
Just celebrated my 20th birthday today and first year knowing am poz, it feel different.. I appreciated life more than any past birthday. I am still sad, but I am just thankful that i'm still alive and well today.

Thanks for the tips, it really helped me out =]
I am going to get tested again for my CD4 this week. So hopefully I am still in a good shape, Iíve been eating a lot of sushi lately.

Thanks you, I think I am going to take a dancing class, because it really helps keep my mind relaxed and away from negative thoughts.

Aw, thanks you =) youíre totally right. I feel the same way.
I will start saving now, I want a house by the beach one day.

You have been through a lot, I admire your strength and will, I hope to find mine soon too.
Am however not there yet..Canít stop criticizing my myself.  Probably cause am still angry at myself and hopefully it fade or heal in due time.

Thanks you =) big hug for you too.

Thanks you, I will take your advice and seek out a organize group. I think I will try the one in L.A. I hope I can be as strong as you.

Thanks you =) I do feel welcomed.
"You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough."

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #16 on: October 24, 2011, 05:00:05 AM »
They say that the first year past diagnosis is the hardest. I tend to agree.

I was a mess for about six months. Then life (bills, work, friends, even love) got in the way and HIV started shuffling to it's rightful place in my life.

Hell, there's even a book about it:


You can, and likely will, lead a full and healthy life after your diagnosis. Your important relationships will be with your doctor and yourself.

It is totally unfair to ask a twenty year old to grow up and acquire the wisdom and maturity to deal with this sort of situation. It sucks, and it's fundamentally wrong.  But there you are. And getting past that first year will be the hurdle that defines you.

Not everyone needs to be tough. People with HIV need to. And I think, judging solely from your posts, that you have it in you to be tough.

I hope you carry the gratitude for your life and health for many, many more years. Decades even. I suspect that you can.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline haoleboyterry

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Re: Tested Poz a month ago or so.. still feeling sad.
« Reply #17 on: November 02, 2011, 06:06:42 PM »
Hello I like you was in complete shock when I found out about my + status.I live in Hawaii and it was winter here in the islands,I was homeless and living in my car,we had 48 days of rain,everything was wet and miserable,I was working 5 to 6 days a week doing landscape. I had caught what I thought was the flu andignored it,after about 2 weeks of rain it turned out to be pnumonia and I was unconsious for a couple days  when a friend came to check on me because they had'nt seen me and became worried,I was unresponsive so she called an ambulance for me,I remember waking up in the hospital and I was in a bad accident in 93 and I could'nt move cause it finally caught up with me and my back was completly locked up,after about two weeks there the doctor came in my room one day and told me I was hiv+,it totally shocked me and did'nt really sink in for a couple days and when it did I I had a breakdown and cried for days.Whwn I was pretty much cried out I called my family and told them,I was so terrified but they were compassionate and very supportive,this was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life,I finally had to tell someone other then a family member,a friend.After finally getting the courage to tell those that I had sexual relations with so they could be tested themselves,well I lost everyone of them as friends even though it is 100% possible that one of them could have given it to me. I also decided to tell a female friend that I thought was trustworthy enough to keep my secrete to herself,well she did for a couple months that I know of then I started hearing from mutual friends of ours that she was going around telling everyone,and  this caused me to lose a few friends,friends for 10 even 20 years did'nt want anything to do with me,they treated me as if I had the plague,this made me damn near have a complete breakdown,I thought I would never stop crying.All of this has made me into a virtual hermit,because my back pain keeps me from going to alot of places and the fear of future stigma is enough  to not want to be around anyone. It is now almost 2012 and I am still locking myself in the house,only going to pay the bills and go shopping,I might go a week or longer without physically talking to others in person.I was suicidal and very depressed,and still continue on this path to this day.The only people that I have this very day are some good people that I have met on a few sites,without them I truely believe I would have gone on the deep end.I now have all my hiv meds under control and am undetectable,and am hoping to meet other people that understand hiv and related issues firsthand. I wish you all the best and good luck with getting everything under conrtrol,If you are looking for a good friend who is honest to a fault please feel free to get in touch with me and if you decide to I look forward to hearing from you soon. God bless


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