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Author Topic: FYI  (Read 4367 times)

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Offline sorryass

  • Member
  • Posts: 77
« on: July 31, 2011, 07:06:48 PM »
I don't think I ever properly introduced myself, allow me to do so.

My proper name is Bertram I've been a gardener for most of my working life.  I took two years Vocational Education in my field, Landscapeing, and away I went.
I was introduced to hiv through the inquisitive mind of wanting to know what MDA was all about.  A shared needle was my introduction to the world of HIV, HepC & B.  No, I was'nt a junkie, I used for about 3 months I guess.  Long enough to know, long enough to know better.

I went to work, but I got sick.  To sick to carry on.  Some on this board say hey, I'm so quick to judge.  Wow, you are proably right.  I'm sorry.  I do that.  I have alot of chips on my shoulders.  I am quick to defend myself these days.  I could curl your toes with what has been done to me, I kid you not.  I have physicall scars, from people who were supposed to be helping me.  A law suit is in the works.   You damn right I'm bitter, I have a right to be.  I don't have a right to take it out on any of you, for that, I am truly sorry.   I will do my utmost best to be a better listner, writer,  member.  Some of the names I've been called hurt me deeply.  I don't belive I have earned them.  I apologize to Billy,  to anyone I may have offended, it won't happen again. 

Once a gardener,...............er!

*Ritonavir 100mg 2-Day
*Etravirine 100mg 2-Day
*Raltegravir 400mg 2-Day
*Prezista 600mg 2-Day

Offline Joe K

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  • Member
  • Posts: 5,820
  • 31 Years Poz
« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2011, 08:17:05 PM »
Hello Bertram, my name is Joe and I'm glad to finally meet you.  I think we all have chips on our shoulders at times and while they may feel good initially, eventually they just seem to eat at our souls.  You sound like you have suffered greatly and I'm sorry that you life has been difficult.  I have also faced my share of adversity and I find that by sharing how you actually feel, instead of displays of anger, will help us to understand how it is that we might help you.

I wonder if since you have been so hurt in the past, that you might believe that people are being mean to you, when they are really trying to help.  I have made some comments in your other posts, not to insult you, but to ask you to consider setting your anger aside, so we can talk about your real issues.  You sound like a great guy, who even with your challenges, still has a great sense of purpose and direction.  I wonder if you are as proud of yourself, as you should be, because of the adversity you have suffered, yet still survived.  That is no small feat and it takes a special person to persevere, even more so when the road becomes most difficult.

I hope you will accept my olive branch and apologies for making you feel unwelcome.  I hope you will stay and I look forward to hearing more about you.

Welcome to the forums.

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,317
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2011, 09:45:23 PM »
Thanks for sharing more of your story. I'm glad you found this site and hope you are able to find the info and the support you need here to help you with at least some of your problems.

hugs!  :-*
leatherman (aka mIkIE)

All the stars are flashing high above the sea
and the party is on fire around you and me
We're gonna burn this disco down before the morning comes
- Pet Shop Boys

chart from 1992-2017

Offline sorryass

  • Member
  • Posts: 77
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2011, 10:44:24 PM »
Oh my goodness.  You have managed to bring tears to my eyes.  In a quick answer to one of your questions, NO, I know I am not as proud of myself as I should be.  I have been attacked, maimed, scarred, by a homophobic surgeon.  He scarred my face, intentionally, knowing no one would believe a  hiv+ nobody.
My face has acne scars, so he figured a few more would'nt hurt. He put 5 1/4" scars on the left side of my face. Plus a small indentation where a needle bounced off a bone beside my nose.  The amount of Bio Alcamid he put in my face was far too much.  It pooled and formed large lumps in my face.  Surgery to remove this mess is the only  way out.   Bio Alcamid is BANNED.  This man knew it was trouble and stuck it in me just a month before the Canadian goverment banned it.  He KNEW it was trouble, it causes nodes to form, as it has in my face.  Scars, nodes, lumps. This guys a real charmer.  MY doctor referred me to him! He's no longer my doctor.  When I showed my doctor the scars, he would'nt believe me, just like the surgeon thought, no one will belive me.

Do you realize what happens to patients who point a finger at a respected surgeon and accuse him of such an atrosity?  Buzz get pretty busy.  I have a pretty good feeling thats why my first sugery was cancelled.

 Because of the legalities, it still sits in my face, like tumours on either side.  Since September 2008, I have been dealing with this mess.  Let me tell you, it's hell to be poor.  I see the surgeon  again this week, finally.  They said at first because the xrays showed it wasn'nt in my cheek cavites, it did'nt have to come out, but finally, they say it is a danger.  I wish I knew how to insert a picture I could show you what he did.
 I am so happy to finally having this monsterous mess out of my face.  The good people over at BCPWA, will help me wilth filling my face again, by someone, and with something more appropriate.  I believe once that is done, I will regain some of the self confidence that this monster has taken away.  I have had thoughts of breaking his fingers, so he can never hurt another person as he has me.

I can't tell you how many people I have told, who simply don't believe me.  Mostly doctors of course.  They refuse to believe one of their own could be a monster.   Someone show me how to post a picture, I will show you what he did.  That is my chip, and I'm tired of it.  It's far from over.  Why this had to happen to me, I don't know, but he needs to pay.  This is what I carry with me every day, and it wears on me.   It has been showing up in how I post, and I'm sorry for that.  I'm glad it has been brought to my attention, so it can be dealt with. 

Joe's letter is so warm, welcoming.   Articulate, compassionate, terrifyingly real.
Thank you Joe.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2011, 11:24:31 PM by sorryass »
Once a gardener,...............er!

*Ritonavir 100mg 2-Day
*Etravirine 100mg 2-Day
*Raltegravir 400mg 2-Day
*Prezista 600mg 2-Day

Offline sorryass

  • Member
  • Posts: 77
« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2011, 11:53:21 PM »
Not finished yet Joe, on a roll, so to say.

About that great sense of purpose and direction.  I thought I did.  I truly did.  But the attack led to another, and another, and another, and another.  People questioning my truthfullness.   And it's far from over.  This is taking a huge toll.  My sense of purpose and direction has been severly questioned in the last few months.  I feel myself getting weaker. It's just that simple.  Never before have I felt so much energy drain out of me so quickly.  I haven't even watered my gardens in a week.  It's a mental thing,  I just seem to have thrown in the towel, I don't have the interest I did.  I'm played.  Played out.  Perhaps I played myself out.  All that rage.  Maybe it's just my body natually shutting down to protect me from myself.  I've been yelling and screaming since Sept 28 2008.  Time to rest. 

Once a gardener,...............er!

*Ritonavir 100mg 2-Day
*Etravirine 100mg 2-Day
*Raltegravir 400mg 2-Day
*Prezista 600mg 2-Day

Offline Billy B

  • Member
  • Posts: 385
« Reply #5 on: August 06, 2011, 04:06:06 PM »
Hello Bertram- Thank you for the apology and I accept it with humility. I really did not know about your history or the hell that you have been through. I hope that you will find resolution with a great doctor and have the reconstruction that you need.

VL 4420 CD4 340 CD4% 24   3/15/10 Started I&T
VL  UD   CD4 340 CD4% 26.5 05/13/10
VL  UD   CD4 360 CD4% 27.1 08/3/10
VL  UD   CD4 310 CD4% 28.4 11/22/10
VL  UD   CD4 420 CD4% 27.9 02/11/11
VL  UD   CD4 370 CD4% 26.4 06/08/11
VL  UD   CD4 360 CD4% 27.7 09/23/11
VL  UD   CD4 370 CD4% 28.3 01/20/12
VL  UD   CD4 430 CD4% 28.8 05/11/12
VL  UD   CD4 370 CD4% 28.1 09/07/12
VL  UD   CD4 390 CD4% 32.3 03/14/13
VL  UD   CD4 450 CD4% 29.8 09/10/13
VL  UD   CD4 430 CD4% 31.0 04/29/14
VL  UD   CD4 520 CD4% 34.8 11/05/15
VL  UD   CD4 440 CD4% 33.5 03/10/15
VL  UD   CD4 450 CD4% 30.5 08/23/16

Offline sorryass

  • Member
  • Posts: 77
« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2011, 10:18:17 PM »
Thanks for the kind thoughts Billy.  I spent the last five days in bed.  Unfortunatly, this is not the only ugly fire I have burning in my brain.  So, I came to a stop, I think I pretty much had to.  I did some crying.  Some thinking.  Rest..ing.   Mom died not too long ago.  She would have known how to handle all this 'stuff'.   

Anyway, rest and a few tears I resolved to completly forgive, and forget about one of my problems, So thats a big weight gone, just like that.  And the face, it is what it is.  I was thinking of going over to his oficce and sitting in his lobby until he came out.  So I could ask him how often he thinks about what he did to me.  I could pass out prints of my face to his coustomers.  It's this kind of thinking that has been eating me up, though. 
« Last Edit: August 11, 2011, 10:25:05 PM by sorryass »
Once a gardener,...............er!

*Ritonavir 100mg 2-Day
*Etravirine 100mg 2-Day
*Raltegravir 400mg 2-Day
*Prezista 600mg 2-Day

Offline mewithu

  • Member
  • Posts: 160
  • mewithu
« Reply #7 on: August 11, 2011, 11:04:57 PM »
 Hit applications when your doing something to send it will ask you where on your computer it is you may have to look for it first write it down the application you want to send with your letter and then you can send it along with the letter. I hope I told you enough to get to it and send along with the letter. Jerry
1997 is when I found out, being deathly ill. I had to go to the hospital due to extreme headache and fever. I fell coma like,  two months later weighing 95 pounds and in extreme pain and awoke to knowledge of Pancreatis, Cryptococcal Meningitis, Thrush,Severe Diarea,  Wasting, PCP pneumonia. No eating, only through tpn. Very sick, I was lucky I had good insurance with the company I worked for. I was in the hospital for three months that time. 
(2010 Now doing OK cd4=210  VL= < 75)
I have become resistant to many nukes and non nukes, Now on Reyataz, , Combivir. Working well for me not too many side effects.  I have the wasting syndrome, Fatigue  . Hard to deal with but believe it or not I have been through worse. Three Pulmonary Embolism's in my life. 2012 520 t's <20 V load


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