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Author Topic: Anyone else just feel messed up?  (Read 6254 times)

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Offline Biggums

  • Member
  • Posts: 199
Anyone else just feel messed up?
« on: June 04, 2006, 12:50:37 AM »

I do not even know where to post this.  But I need to get it off my chest.  Maybe someone else can relate, I don't know.  Here's the jest of it.  Ever since I can remember, hardly a day has gone by that I have not contemplated suicide.  Now some days it is just a passing thought.  Other days I sit and stare at a bottle of pain pills and wish I had the guts to do it.  It doesn't matter if things are going wildly successful or horribly wrong in my life.  It seems to be a root in my life that never goes away and somehow taints the whole tree.

I have been to counseling for years.  Wow, some of those are nice people, others you wonder how they got a license.  "It's the same routine though.  Why do you want to die?" and I reply "Umm I don't know that is why I am here."  So many months and many dollars later nothing changes and I move on.

I don't like myself much, wow that is attractive isn't it?  When people tell me how talented or smart I am my eyes gloss over like a deer in headlights and I no more believe it than I do that a politician is honest. 

When crisis does hit, it is definitely the first thing I think of, to just check out.  Being in love has definitely helped, but there is always that nagging thing inside of me.  I've tried God, but wonder how He could love me.  Tried friends but it always seems disappointing.  Tried giving my life to others but end up feeling used.  I know this is pitiful and selfish way of thinking, I just can't seem to break the cycle.

Meds don't really do much for me.

I don't know, it would take paragraph upon pargraph to dissect it all.  But maybe someone else out there knows what I am talking about and can offers some advice to me.

Sorry for the downer.
44 year old gay man .......just broke up with the only man I've ever really loved.

You can love completely without complete understanding.

Offline zephyr

  • Member
  • Posts: 457
    • Zephyr L.T.N.P. Foundation, Inc.
Re: Anyone else just feel messed up?
« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2006, 01:00:02 AM »
Dear Biggums......

Honey, I'm sad that you are sad. Your puppy's expression is yours about now, isn't it?

I'm sorry you've been disappointed by therapists, and friends, it's tough, I know.

I have the most sincere wish for your well being, and beyond that, just want to let you know that you matter. We haven't spoken a lot, but I know you hold compassion in your heart for everyone you reach out to on our forums, and they reach back.

Sweetie, I hope this feeling will pass for you.

Sending you love and comforting arms <<<<HUGS>>>

"It is character that communicates most eloquently."

Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Posts: 12,265
  • Ninja Please
Re: Anyone else just feel messed up?
« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2006, 01:36:03 AM »
--huggles--  :-*


Offline heartforyou

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,126
  • I must be a survivor in many ways...
Re: Anyone else just feel messed up?
« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2006, 02:54:46 AM »
Hi Big,

It's allright to come and vent here.
I wished I had the right hammer to break the vicious circle you seem to be in.

When it's hard for you to accept when people tell you positive things about yourself why not consider this : there is not written law that people have to excel in something in life; just being here in the school of living is all we actually do.

I don't know you, I don't see you, but I accept you as a human being.


Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Kivexa (Epzicom),Tivicay once daily.

Switching to Viramune, Isentress and Emtriva

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,434
Re: Anyone else just feel messed up?
« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2006, 11:59:49 AM »
« Last Edit: January 12, 2007, 09:54:54 PM by Iggy »

Offline JeffInNYC

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  • Posts: 806
Re: Anyone else just feel messed up?
« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2006, 12:07:17 PM »
Im sorry youre going through such a hard time.  I dont know why you would want to commit suicide.  The point is, you havent so you must have found reasons to stick around.  So hold onto those reasons and keep on truckin'.

Sorry I dont have anything magical to say to make this go away for you.

Offline naked_chuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: Anyone else just feel messed up?
« Reply #6 on: June 04, 2006, 12:32:57 PM »
As a fellow puppy owner AND occasional Judy-Garland-wanna-be-right-down-to-the-pill-buffet, sometimes the only thing that breaks me out of my head is my dog!  I'm so in love with him, and he relies on me for absolutely everything...I don't think I could ever let him down, and I would miss him terribly. 
Not liking yourself--I think--is the loneliest place anyone could ever experience.  It doesn't matter what anyone says to you, if you can't buy it, they're just empty words. 
It took me a while to FINALLY find a psychiatrist who listened, watched, and knew what was wrong with me, and helped me get through it.  These "specialists" are only human.  Trial and error, unfortunately.  Isn't it strange that in the 21st century our heads are still so misunderstood?  Anyway...sometimes just taking it a day at a time, or a single moment at a time, helps.  Overwhelming yourself with all the "tomorrows" can be crippling.  Keep searching for a doctor you like.  You are worth it.  And stay close to that puppy!!  He/she needs you, and its love is unconditional!  There's nothing like that!!   

Offline kcmetroman

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  • Posts: 567
Re: Anyone else just feel messed up?
« Reply #7 on: June 04, 2006, 02:00:09 PM »

We love you Biggums.  Maybe a trip to see you would be okay?

Offline Dachshund

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  • Posts: 6,058
Re: Anyone else just feel messed up?
« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2006, 02:11:28 PM »
all the time my friend...all the time. I do agree with naked_chuck,puppy love is powerful. Today I was very disturbed by another post...I turned off the computer took Sam to the park and let him chase squirrels. I truly believe in the healing power of pets and I hope you let yours heal you....if only for a moment. We are thinking of you.


Offline Biggums

  • Member
  • Posts: 199
Re: Anyone else just feel messed up?
« Reply #9 on: June 04, 2006, 03:54:42 PM »
Gosh guys,

Thanks for the encouraging words.  They aren't just empty words believe me.  Sometimes I am at the point where I really don't expect anyone to solve my problems, but it is nice to know someone cares.  That's the good thing about this place. 

I am feeling somewhat better today.  My honey who has been out of town for awhile gets back on Tuesday and hopefully things will go smoothly there.  I am also looking for a different job.  The one I have in sales is so boring.  Lack of a challenge in life is one of the major causes of depression for me at least.  I love to have a job that I have to restart, regroup or revamp something and get a program going. 

Anyway, thanks again.  John, I will get in touch with you guys later this week and maybe we can set something up with y'all.  Meet in Columbia or something.  I will let you know.  Thanks buddy.

44 year old gay man .......just broke up with the only man I've ever really loved.

You can love completely without complete understanding.

Offline scotslassie

  • Member
  • Posts: 82
Re: Anyone else just feel messed up?
« Reply #10 on: June 04, 2006, 04:23:02 PM »
Hi there

I dont know much about your situation but I have felt this way before about various issues. I find myself thinking about suicide and leaving this world behind, but it has never happened. My family and bf keep me going

Im glad you feel a bit better- I take st johns wort, bach rescue remedies and am also veggie and avoid caffeine. I find I am not so nervous when I do this


Offline JeffInNYC

  • Member
  • Posts: 806
Re: Anyone else just feel messed up?
« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2006, 04:51:03 PM »
I think just about everyone has had similar feelings at one time or another.  Feelings are normal - you just have to watch how you ACT on those feelings.


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