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Author Topic: I haven't disclosed to my partner!  (Read 6081 times)

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Offline batttyy

  • Member
  • Posts: 13
I haven't disclosed to my partner!
« on: May 11, 2011, 10:03:09 AM »
Hi all

My partner of 2 years does not know about my status. We live together and I am scared to tell him that Im positive. I went to see my doctor today and have to start Atripla tonight. I am just so confused because I feel being dishonest to him! I don't really know how to tell him abut this?- always use a condom and he started questioning me why i dont want to have unprotected sex. He also want to have a baby......

Him being Australian,,,,he also want us to move to Australia and I have read that in order to relocate to Australia you have to do HIV/AIDS test.

I love him so much and feel that if i tell him,, i will loose him.

Please advise how you have dealt with these issues.

Many thanks

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,398
Re: I haven't disclosed to my partner!
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2011, 02:29:05 PM »
Hi Batttyy,

I think you're new, yes? If so, welcome. Tough topic as an icebreaker, heh? I may read as a hard-ass, but I assure you I'm not. I've adopted a new tagline from one of the forum's members. I shall now be known as Fruity Old Thing (or Thang, as I've chosen to spice it up a bit). And it fits because I'm older than most on this site, but still quite young in spirit.

I've never let a relationship progress to such a point without disclosure since becoming positive. So, I can only inform you of my perspective or actions with regard to disclosure. However, rather than get into any of how I've handled anything, I would pose a question for you to ponder. It might help you prepare to tell him.  

How do you think you would feel if the tables were reversed? Hard to answer without any bias because you want this man to stay with you, but try to imagine it. How would you feel? What might such withholding indicate about the other person or prospects for future concerns about information sharing?

You've gotta roll those dice at some point. Seems now, while you've apparently got a source or resources for Atripla and medical care, is a wise time before relocating and having it potentially explode in your face and wallet.

The one thing about disclosure about hiv...while not using it may prolong outcomes, if you disclose you have less stress about the current concern:    will he reject me if he knows the truth?  In my opinion, for your sake and his you need to give the truth and learn the truth sooner rather than later.

All the best.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2011, 03:44:13 PM by emeraldize »

Offline klassykitty

  • Member
  • Posts: 381
Re: I haven't disclosed to my partner!
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2011, 05:10:29 PM »
  I agree with Emeraldize, turn the tables and how would you feel?  Espicially after so many years.  I told my boyfriend on our third date. I could never have slept with him without disclosing, it would have gnawed at me.  even with using condom.
   I hate to say it, but you still lose him by not telling him.  There's also a legal side to it, not sure where you are it.  I just saw an article about a wrestler being bought up on charges for sleeping with girls and not disclosing.

Good luck and keep us up to date.
How to handle stress like a dog:
If you can't eat it or play with it.....
then pee on it and walk away

Diagnosed 01-20-2011
01-23  CD4 32    VL 125,400
02-18        76     VL 189
03-14  no cd4 test done   VL-52
04-14   69  VL-UNDECTABLE  YEA!!
05-26   50  whoopsy  
06-27   71        %-7
08-15   64 WTF %-9 
10-16  80         %7  
2012  CD4  %Thing   VL-UD
01-18  87    7
04-18  93    8  
07-16  151  8         
10-18  83    9    VL-70
2013   CD4   %thing       VL-UD
01-28  121     9
04-24  148    11   
07-25  157    11   
10-22  185    13
2014   CD-4  %thing   VL-UD
02-07 201 YEA!!!!!!  12
06-03  205      12

Offline karry

  • Member
  • Posts: 344
Re: I haven't disclosed to my partner!
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2011, 07:23:44 PM »
Hi Battty,

I dont mean to be judgemental or harsh. I dated someone who knew he was positive, never told me even when I asked him and ended up infecting me. So to me, your topic is kind of very personal.I have tried to forgive him....and it hurts me to think that he cared nothing for me to inform me about his status.

From me to you...You owe him the truth. Forgive me once more if I am harsh, but this topic opens up wounds that I have tried so hard to heal.

Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline simpliime30

  • New Member
  • Posts: 1
Re: I haven't disclosed to my partner!
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2011, 02:22:29 PM »
hi im also new to this site and the subject is verry touchy cuz i can completely understand where ur coming froM but wat the other users have stated also touches me also becuz i went thru alil of it all i was with y babydaddy for along time 13 yrs 3 kids been brpokenup for alil more then a year so i basically was enjoying my freedom was always safe even tho there had been times where maybe a condom wasnt put on as soon as we started havn sex u know " just let me feel u for a sec" and then wed put it on so nyways y point is i did have unprotected sex 1 with my babydADDY but only happ that 1 time and i actually met someone who i thpught maybe would have been my new man i always ask if n when my partners have been tested this [particular man told me he had been tested and he was fine i only dated hiM for about a Month and a half and i went in for my annual pap and other tests not thinkin ina million years it would have come back positive i thought it was  ajoke at 1st n from that day on my world changed now the next cpl weeks was torture becuz i didnt know who past it 2 me so began backtracking  and had to let my babyfather know wat was going on and he needed to be tested the whole time so scared god forbid i had past it to someone well needless to say he came out negative which was such a relief but all types of emotions took place on his -part he still was there for me i had 1 last person to tell and that was the last person i was with sexually hes the gentlemen i dated for about a month he acted very nontulant n it realy didnt bother hi dismissed me and never responded to my Messages now the next week after i went in for my 1st dr visit andMy #S WERTE GREAT I HAD JUST BEEN INFECTED AS I WAS MAKING MY APT FOR MY NEXT VISIT IN WALKS IN THE GUY WHO I HAD LAST TOLD AND PASSES ME AND SITS DOWN AND ACTED ASIF HE DIDNT SEE ME I HAD SO MANY EMOTIONS GOING THRU ME BUT KE-PT MY COMPOSURE AND COULDNT LETIT GO SAT DOWN NEXT TO HI ND LET HIM HAVE IT NO0W I WASNT LOUD BUT I WAS TAKN BACK HE SAID HE WOULD CALL ME OUTSIDE OF THE CLINIC AND AS I GOTUP TO WALKAWAY THE NURSE CALLS HIM IN AND HIS FILE WAS PRETTY THICK HE KNEW HE WAS POSITIVE AND DID NOT CARE SO MY POINT IS I CAN UNDERTAND THAT UR SCARED TO TELL HIM BUT LIKE THE OTHER USERS SAID HOW WOULD U FEEL IF THE TABLES WERE TURNED UD WANT HIM TO LET U KNOW WATS GOING ON ESPECIALLY SINCE THIS ISNT SOME RANDOM GUY AND ITS SOMEONE UR SHARING UR LIFE WITH I KNOW IT MAY SEEM LIKE U CANT TELL HIM BUT IN THE END HE NEEDS TO KNOW AND U WILL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER TELLING HIM EVEN THO UR SCARED OF THE OUTCOME  THE WHOLE SITUATION IS TOUCHY AND IF U TRULY CARE ABOUT HIM HE DESERVES TO KNOW AND SHOULD BE HIS DECISION IF HE IS GOING TO STAY BY URSIDE MY SITUATION IS DEF DIFF BUT THATS JUST MY OPINION AND SINCE I WAS INFECTED BY SOMEONE WHO KNEW AND DIDNT SAY ANYTHING I FEEL VERY STRONGLY IN DISCLOSING UR STATUS TO UR PARTNER

Offline AKL

  • New Member
  • Posts: 2
Re: I haven't disclosed to my partner!
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2011, 01:46:03 AM »
Hi Battty and everyone. I am new on the forum and Im from SA. I think you should agree to go and get tested together even though you already know your status. That way, you will know for sure whether what you have with him is unconditional or not. Being in a relationship where such secrets are kept can be very volatile.
I met my beau late 2007 and we both got tested in 2008. He came out negative and I came out poz. We love each other very much and are the best of friends. He is still around. I must say though that his plans have now changed. He wanted us to get married and have children but me being poz has changed his view. Even though he is still around and supports me totally, he no longer wants us to pursue marriage as he feels that this will rob him off a normal marriage life.
I cannot say what my plans for the future are but I am currently happy and living a healthy and positive life. I am 37 and have no kids but would love to get married and have a kid one day. I am holding a good position work wise and I am self sustainable.
I aslo have my own concerns for the future and hope that this forum will be beneficial and offer the support  that we all need from people who are in the same position.
So B, my suggestion is that because you are scared ( and its understable) to disclose, gather up the guts and strength to go for a test together.........sooner or later, its going to come up.


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