my own introspection

[wolfter]

Having a weird introspective week and just felt the need to touch base.  Every since Bill passed, my life has been a consistent pursue of "I'll be happy whens".  I'd be happy when I got my own health under control.  Then I'd be happy when I got my house situation corrected.  Next, I'd be happy when I got the SSD fight resolved.  Then I realized recently there are no more excuse to wait to be happy.  No immediately pending crisis that have defined my last few years.

My sister drove by today from another county to check on me since I've not sounded the same lately.  She left with a hug and telling me not to do anything stupid.  It actually brought a smile and explained that I'm not clinically depressed, just deep inside myself wondering what to do next in the pursuit of life.  I didn't fight the battle this long to suddenly do something stupid in the way she was thinking.  

I'm just realizing I have actually to do the work to define what the next years will be.  I'm just not sure what that will be.  I'm sure it's more than spending several hours per day pretending that cleaning the house spotless is the long awaited happiness.  

[wolfter]

yes, it's a bit too much.  Sorry about the wine and wining. 

[GSOgymrat]

It doesn't sound like whining to me. Everyone has to decide what they want out of life, what is going to give them a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

[Theyer]

Wolfter-I think allot off people will relate to your post, introspection keeps me out off psy hos but I have given up the----- I will be happy when, its been replaced with ,i will be pleased when. Now I am in danger off becoming scared about making plans and being ambitious as the pattern over the last twenty years can be seen as one step forward and bang theres the brick wall..

I am surprisingly often happy,but I don,t expect to be.
It is becoming, for allot off us, spring. So these stirrings are to be encouraged
love
theyer

[mecch]

Well I can get with the ennui too, except when I'm working.  Are you retired? Disabled? WOrking?

I don't know if this is uncouth but I notice in quite a few posts you mention wine and just wondering if your drinking is ok or if you think its a bit much?  Not that you need to answer.

[wolfter]

Thanks.  When I read this I chose not to reply initially until I took it inside.  I finally got approved for SSD just at the time I'm wanting to go back to work.  It took way too long and I was confused at that.  I got full permanent SSD in 91 and chose to go back work shortly thereafter when I felt capable.  I was assured it'd be easier if I ever needed assistance in the future.  I continued with school and kept working and achieved a fair level of success. 

I rec'd a denial notice when I was in the hospital with Cryptococcal meningittis explaining that I was able to work according to their standards.  This process took over 4 years and I am fortunate because of family support.  Had I not had this support, I'd have been beyond life savings means.  I get upset thinking how many don't have this.  Had I been without family, I'd have been another statistic and this weighs heavily on me.  I'm starting to realize this needs to be focused on.  And it will take people like me who have reamined silently comfortable.

My references to wine are partly true, but also a way of just being flip.  I do realize that I am starting to sample a tad too much but honestly don't see the harm.  Well too much anyways.  I'm beginning to to realize things that never occured to me years ago.  I assumed people with AIDS were people with AIDS and all was equal.  But it's not. 

[mecch]

So do you want to work again?  Does work make you feel happy?

The things I like about work are:  salary, socialisation, structures time, opportunity for achievement, source of challenges, exchange of energy and knowledge, its productive, it provides identity. 

I am not sure I understand you feelings exactly about being fortunate to have family support to survive disease. Im not exactly sure what weighs heavily - surviving? being materially secure and loved?

I think this is very interesting:

"I'm beginning to to realize things that never occured to me years ago.  I assumed people with AIDS were people with AIDS and all was equal.  But it's not."

Well I think all HIV+  people are HIV+ people.  So theres something in common, but we're not equivalents of each other. 

A lot of us older folks can relate to the 80's and 90's experience of all AIDS being the same.  I remember when I was poor but securely employed, and healthy, and my bf got AIDs and quickly lost everything materially and how the poverty increased the sufferring. I thought all AIDs was not the same.  Then I met a millionaire and he died too, with all the care in the world and a materially beautiful death. It was still death. Death is permanent but Im not sure all deaths are the same, but yeah in the final analysis, you're dead. 

I think my material interests, past-times and pleasures are the source of a bit of joy but nothing too deep.  I havent repaired my social life or started a new love life now in the 3+ years since a big breakup, and thats a pity.  So the work actually provides a sense of usefulness, purpose.  At least I'm good for something I think. 

Like you I can get into the tippling and cleaning and puttering about as diverting distractions but I think I share your feeling that this is not enough.  But, in direct constrast, I think the point is to be happy and interested and alive, doing whatever you settle on doing with your day. So why not domesticity as a source of happiness?  This is rather confusing because you feel like there may be a happy medium, but thats more of the same - "I'm not there yet." or "I'll be happy when..".   

Appreciating the alrightness of the moment now is supposed to be a source of happiness.  Sooner, or later, you have to finally say, me, happy, now.  Its good now. Im alright now.