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Author Topic: worn down already  (Read 4494 times)

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Offline zach

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  • Posts: 3,352
worn down already
« on: January 15, 2011, 02:12:59 PM »
Not really even sure what I want to say here. Just needing to vent. Reading through all the past posts here is surreal, I could have written any of them, only the names have changed. Stress, depression, constantly thinking about having AIDS. Wish I had never told a living soul about my status. Seeing friends one by one exit stage left from my life. Seemed like I've felt really good the last couple weeks, but I woke up this morning just feeling mentally and physicaly exhausted. One of the LTSs here compared living with AIDS to a marathon, I've rode a bike one hundred miles in a day, and I remember the last ten miles as torture. Here I am struggling with the first ten. I really don't see how y'all have made it so far.

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: worn down already
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2011, 02:39:30 PM »
Here is where I say that it get better. And it does, of course. But there will always be these moments, when the weight of the diagnosis and the disease and the meds and the struggle just sit on top of you and all you can do is breathe, and that, barely.

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

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Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: worn down already
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2011, 02:56:03 PM »
Hi Zach ... I am 48 and have had Aids half my life and there are days I feel just like you do .

The one thing my experience has taught me is that those days are just that , a day or a moment and then I manage to put the uneasy feelings to rest and be grateful for all the good things . It does as we say gets better with time .   
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Offline phildinftlaudy

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  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: worn down already
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2011, 03:05:57 PM »
Hi Zach -
Good post --- it does get tiring sometimes.  But as jg and jk have both said, it does get better and we do find gratitude for the good things.

I have been positive for just over two years - and I think for me the first year was the most difficult.  But as Scott Peck said in his book The Road Less Traveled - "Life is difficult" - he calls this a noble truth, because once we understand and accept that life is difficult, it is no longer as difficult because we transcend this truth (sounds deep, huh?).....  Accepting that there are going to be difficult times, tiring times and times when we are going to feel worn down - makes those times a bit easier to deal with.

I believe that many of the LTS' on here have made it as far as they have because they share so honestly what they have gone through and what they go through.  Pain shared is pain cut in half and joy shared is joy doubled.

So, I think you are on the right track --- you are sharing your experience - sharing your feelings - and you are keeping it real.  It will get better - and your numbers also seem to be on the upward trend, which will also probably continue to improve your energy level.

Best to you.
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline next2u

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Re: worn down already
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2011, 03:34:12 PM »
hi zach,

days like that suck. but things that get worn down are also built back up...and with thicker tread :)
keep your head up man, the moments last but they are not forever. vacate those spaces as soon as possible and try to make sure that what is done, or needs to be done, in those spaces are finished.

life is a bitch. and she is hella beautiful.

midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5
sept14 cd4 990; vl ud; cd4% *
jun15 cd4 1152; vl ud; cd4% *
oct15 cd4 583; vl 146; cd4% 42
mar16 cd4 860

Offline wolfter

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Re: worn down already
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2011, 07:58:04 AM »
It will get better.  There'll come a time, when this disease does not usurp every moment of your life.  The one thing I always kept in mind over the last 20+ is that every bad day, depressive episode or any other turmoil is always better than the alternative.  For me, it's easier to accept my issues by recalling the beautiful people I lost so early on who never got the opportunity to experience life. 

Wishing you good mental health.
Being honest is not wronging others, continuing the dishonesty is.

Online BT65

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Re: worn down already
« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2011, 06:11:36 AM »
Zach, I get those days also.  I've been diagnosed for 21 years, and sometimes the problems I've incurred as a result of long-term infection, the meds, side effects from the meds, other things (diagnoses) that have happened through the years, can be extremely overwhelming. 

But, most emotional happenings pass with a bit of time.  It's a test of endurance.  So just hang in there, it will get some better.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline zach

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Re: worn down already
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2011, 01:45:02 PM »
thank you all for the kind words and support... last night i hopped a flight to new orleans to escape the rat race for a minute, hopefully it'll do me good

Offline angelgaby

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  • Posts: 43
Re: worn down already
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2011, 09:19:40 PM »
@jg162...im like u and have been pos half my life..but i think u said it best..its just one of those days. we all feel it at some point..im at the point where i looking to find someone to talk with and just get past some of the sadness im feeling at the moment.  try to stay positve and rem no one knows what tomorrow holds so have some faith and continue to be strong. and as corny as this may sound i always try to remember there is someone worse off then me, so y should i complain.  wishing u best of luck zach!

Offline wolfter

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Re: worn down already
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2011, 09:53:43 PM »
My new motto is; AIDS isn't the party I wanted, but it's what I got and might as well dance while I'm here.
Being honest is not wronging others, continuing the dishonesty is.

Offline Hellraiser

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  • Semi-misanthropic
Re: worn down already
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2011, 01:49:46 PM »
thank you all for the kind words and support... last night i hopped a flight to new orleans to escape the rat race for a minute, hopefully it'll do me good

You should've let me know I would've pulled out the welcome wagon for you.

Offline zach

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,352
Re: worn down already
« Reply #11 on: January 25, 2011, 07:55:58 PM »
You should've let me know I would've pulled out the welcome wagon for you.

you're in new orleans? a home away from home for me, i'll let you know next time i go down


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