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Author Topic: I dont understand why I feel like I do  (Read 3426 times)

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Offline rrsgirl

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I dont understand why I feel like I do
« on: November 18, 2010, 11:22:42 am »
If anyone remembers my boyfriend was diagnosed in May. Even though we had unprotected sex for 5 years, I am negative.  He was very sick  for a long time before diagnosis and started on meds basically right away. My problem, and I feel terrible that I feel this way, is that now that he is  very healthy, I am terribly depressed. He is happy and doesn't worry about things, but I worry all the time, and especially when we're not together, I think about alot of things that kind of get me mad., like how did he get hiv in the first place? He doesn't ever want to talk about it, and tends to sugarcoat., but I wonder because he wasn't sick at all until 3 years after we were going out., then it took 2 years to find out what was wrong.  I don't feel like doing anything, the things that used to make me happy don't anymore. My house is a mess and I just want to sleep all the time, except for the times that I'm working  (I have two jobs) or doing things with my kids (I have 5 children from a previous marriage, 2 still at home.) I still love him very much, but I try to avoid sex with him, because even though we use condoms, I have these thoughts that I'm going to get infected., and I just started feeling like that...all summer we had alot of sex (always protected.)  I need to go and get tested again, but I can't even bring myself to do that. I'm writing this because I wonder if anyone else who is neg and  has a positive partner ever felt this way., I don't understand because when he was so sick I didn't feel like this, but now that  he's healthier I do? I guess I just wanted to write this out, because there is no one I can talk to about this, no one know he's hiv pos, I used to be able to talk to his mom about things because she knew, but she died in Sept.

Offline TabooPrincess

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  • Posts: 311
Re: I dont understand why I feel like I do
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2010, 03:01:27 pm »
It sounds like you went into coping mode when you first found out he was sick.  Now that he is ok there's time for you to really think about what happened.  Hiv can bring many questions with it.  I'm one of the 'lucky' ones who knows who infected me and exactly when, many people don't and rack their brains with questions such as when and who?

What you need to decide is if you trust this man un-conditionally - I mean, do you trust him enough to accept that he seroconverted before he met you.  It sounds like you are unsure when it may have been.  But you need to let go of that if you're going to stay together.  The relationship is going to be hard enough now with hiv added to the mix but if the trust has gone then it's going to be very very hard to maintain a happy life together.

I know it's not the same because I'm pos but my significant other never wants to talk about it either - I had so many questions after I was infected that I wanted and needed him to answer about where this came from but he couldn't/wouldn't.  I found release instead from here and from a counsellor.  Perhaps you could try the same?

I hope you can take some time out and regroup, you've been through a ridiculously stressful time and you should be proud of yourself for coping.  It's ok to freak out about it all now that there's the opportunity.

Hugs and keep talking  :)
09/ 2008 - Seroconversion
11/2008 - Tested pos, cd4 640 vl 25400
12/2008 - cd4 794 vl 27798, 35%
03/2009 - cd4 844 vl 68846, 35%
06/2009 - cd4 476 vl 49151, 33% (pregnancy confirmed)
08/2009 - cd4 464 vl 54662, 32%
Started meds for pregnancy (Kaletra, AZT, Viread)
09/2009 - cd4 841 vl 3213, 42%
10/2009 - cd4 860 vl 1088, 41%
11/2009 - cd4 771 vl 563, 38%
12/2009 - cd4 885 vl 151 42%
Discontinued meds after baby born
02/2010 - cd4 841 vl 63781, 38%
05/2010 - cd4 1080 vl 113000, 39%
08/2010 - cd4 770 vl 109242
12/2010 - cd4 642 vl 111000, 34%
06/2011 - cd4 450 vl 222000, 33%
11/2011 - cd4 419 vl 212000, 24%
03/2012 - cd4 280 vl 118000, 26% (repeated Cd4 at 360)
05/2012 -cd4 360 vl 99,190
10/2012 Atripla, cd4 690, vl 80
12/2012 Darunavir, norvir, truvada, Cd4 680, vl u/d
07/2013 cd4 750,ud

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: I dont understand why I feel like I do
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2010, 06:20:48 am »
but I wonder because he wasn't sick at all until 3 years after we were going out., then it took 2 years to find out what was wrong.

You know, most people don't get sick right away after initial infection. It normally takes years. The fact that he was very sick and had to go on meds right away after diagnosis points to the fact that he was more than likely already poz when you got together five years ago. And chances are good that he has no idea where he got it from. Many people don't.

I agree with Taboo that maybe you should look into counselling. Your local ASO may be able to provide this for you at low or no cost. Men often won't talk about their health. I know mine won't.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts


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