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Author Topic: unwanted disclosure by others  (Read 2098 times)

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Offline midland moe

  • Member
  • Posts: 39
unwanted disclosure by others
« on: October 06, 2010, 03:55:54 AM »
Im facing a potentially bitter divorce. I was diagnosed almost 3 years ago...have been married over 10 years...and was infected either before we married or 3 or 4 years after we married...i was unfaithful for a time...stopped...began attempts at reconciliation a few years later got sick and was diagnosed with HIV full blown aids. Ive since made a remarkable recovery and until 7 weeks ago was trying to earn my wifes forgiveness and make things right in our marriage....that didnt happen. she left and began seeing someone else...I lost it for a few weeks...kept calling her, asking her to reconsider etc...then i resigned myself to the very real chance it was over. I told her I was tired of feeling sorry for myself and crying and I was letting her go...and figuring things out for myself...she never commented one way or the other...seemed perfectly happy with her new boyfriend, and I arranged with her she would still be at home for our daughter (8 yrs old) at night and on weekends she usually leaves coming hom early the next morning....short story long, i feel i have been more than accomodating for her transition away from me...and we seemed to be getting along in the limited time we spoke and were aorund eachother. Then I actually did "figure things out for myself". A couple of the girls I work with talked to me and said everyone was sick of me being depressed and sad, and they wanted to help cheer me up....nothing big...just go out and do something on the weekend instead of sit at home and cry about my life falling apart...A friend of my wife saw me out with one of these girls...just hanging out...nothing romantic but when my wife found out about it she exploded....It became apparent she has a great deal of resentment towards me for "wasting the last 12 years of her life" ...she told me i better tell my "whore friend" my HIV status before she did..and swore she was going to tell any girl she found out id talked to...other than convincing my wife to not do that...or just move to where she isnt...is there anything that prevents an average person from following someone around and disclosing their status? i live in texas....
Diagnosed + 4/15/08               VL 570,000  cd4  85
started ATRIPLA 7/20/08         VL 301,757  cd4  45
8/22/08                                 VL       171  cd4  185
11/25/08    undetectable                           cd4  371

03/30/09    undetectable                           cd4  464
07/07/09    undetectable                           cd4  419
12/04/09    undetectable                           cd4  534
        cd4 % 20
04/09/10 undetectable                                cd4  667
         cd4%  22.1
07/16/10   undetectable                              cd4  573
         cd4%  23.8
03/25/11   undetectable                              cd4  655
         cd4%  29.4

Offline jkinatl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: unwanted disclosure by others
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2010, 04:05:38 AM »
You might want to start here:


But it looks bleak insofar as your ex-wife spreading the news. She is not committing slander because what she is saying is not patently untrue.  You might file a restraining order, at least. But it seems that laws have not caught up with the stigma of an HIV "broadcast," just as much as society has not gotten over the stigma of HIV.

I sincerely wish you the best. I hope you and your divorce attorney work up a plan so that your daughter, at the very least, is not more damaged by all this than she needs to be.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Snowangel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,416
Re: unwanted disclosure by others
« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2010, 07:30:31 AM »
Do you think you could sit down with her and have another talk?

Tell her that you understand that she is hurt and that you are sorry for cheating on her but that you both need to do what is right for your daughter.  How the both of you act and treat each other now can impact your daughter for the rest of her life.  Hopefully, you can make her understand that "broadcasting" your status can potentially hurt your daughter more than it would hurt you.

Good luck, I was gonna say more but I have to take the kids to school. Good luck!
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,398
Re: unwanted disclosure by others
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2010, 07:49:25 AM »
You've received two good perspectives here from jk and snow. I'm with Snow on trying to talk with her and in particular focus on the tremendous ramifications it could have on your daughter, on you and potentially your earning power (this is not to induce concern in you, but induce awareness and true thinking in her) and ultimately, how all of that would compound and have a serious impact on her life.

You might suggest to her that by sharing such information, people might automatically assume she is positive and not disclosing that to them. Just some stuff to consider before you meet with her---the sooner the better AND document everything from this point forward---calls made, items discussed, things your daughter shares with you, etc. -- have a journal with as much info as possible and copies of e-mails and any other corroborating materials.

Hopefully, you won't need any of it, but she is now showing unpredictability, jealousy (my take on her reaction to you being with another woman) and control issues. Best of luck to you.

Offline Hellraiser

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,154
  • Semi-misanthropic
Re: unwanted disclosure by others
« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2010, 01:45:54 PM »
Your wife is well within her rights to disclose that information to anyone she chooses.  Your only tactic to get her not to is to attempt to reason with her.  You should bring up the fact that you will not be meddling in her romantic affairs and you would appreciate her giving you the same courtesy.  I would also state matter of factly that you will disclose your own HIV status to anyone you intend to have sex with.  It sounds as if she's okay with moving on, but she doesn't want you to be able to and so she's threatening to reveal your status.  I wouldn't bring your daughter into this if at all possible, but you could always mention that eventually the information your wife releases may get back to your child.

Anyone you have sex with you should be disclosing your status anyway and as it's not going to change back to negative anytime soon you're going to have to get comfortable with disclosure and the issues inherent with it.  Not everyone will take the news well, and once you've told one person they are now free to share that information.  This is beyond your control.  The message I suppose I'm trying to convey is accept your status so that when others find it out they can't brandish it as a weapon against you.

Offline Joe K

  • Standard
  • Member
  • Posts: 5,820
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: unwanted disclosure by others
« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2010, 04:50:06 PM »
I'm sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation and I agree with the others on discussing this with your wife. I have been where you are and what is most important right now, is your daughter. The most damaging thing that you can do when separating is to disparage the other parent. This includes her not disclosing your status and you being extra sensitive to the hurt and betrayal that she feels. Both of your worlds have been damaged and what matters now is how you both decide on how you are going to behave with your daughter. If talking to your wife is almost impossible, maybe you can enlist someone to help you mediate this issue. All I can offer, having witnessed our errors with our daughter, is that when a question arises, always go with the answer, that protects your daughter first.


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