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Author Topic: Lonely n' Depressed  (Read 3529 times)

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Offline thirtysomething

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  • Posts: 124
Lonely n' Depressed
« on: September 01, 2006, 11:24:27 PM »
So I made a big move after my diagnosis and moved to Toronto and now I'm extremely depressed and lonely here. I know only 2 people here in this country and they are busy in their own lives.. I come home from work and have nobody to talk to, nobody to go out for supper.. it's a really really sad state. Worse, I have no desire to focus on my work anymore and this being a new job,  everybody's eye is on me as to how I perform.  and honestly I'm not giving my 100% because I just am so friggin' depressed all the time. I was very jolly at work until my diagnosis and here at this new job, I'm so goddamn quiet, that sometimes I question the inner myself if there's something wrong and why I have changed so much!

I just can't accept the fact that my life has changed dramatically a big turn and I feel like everything has turned upside down. The only silverlining is I get everyday phone calls from my friends in US and that makes me feel bit better. I try to make new friends here on chat, in clubs.. but everybody just wants to get laid with me. Nobody is interested in friendship here.

I don't know what to do.. it's long weekend now and I'm all by myself.. lonely and thinking how I should spend the upcoming wetty thanks-to-ernesto weekend. Sorry just venting here, since I have nobody to talk to in person and feel like expressing myself.

Offline Joe K

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  • Posts: 5,820
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Lonely n' Depressed
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2006, 11:29:47 PM »
Hey Lonely,

You tested poz, moved and have a new job?  Is that right?  And you wonder why you are depressed.  Seriously you need to talk with an AIDS Service Organization about what they can help you with.  There are support groups, where you can meet other guys and not just looking to get laid, there are therapy options or medications that can help you adjust without making you a zombie.

Trust me, this will get better.  I've been poz for 22 years and battled depression most of those years and that is what you are describing.  Please talk with your doc and go see someone to discuss your issues and get the help that is out there.  Once you start to feel better about yourself, the social life will follow.

BTW, welcome to the forums.

Offline ndrew

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  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: Lonely n' Depressed
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2006, 11:48:12 PM »
Welcome to the forums!!

I am very sorry to hear you are feeling lonely and depressed.  I know what these feelings are like.  I still have them, even with friends and keeping myself busy, I sometimes feel totally alone and sad.  I am OK feeling this way a little bit.  But I refuse to let being positive ruin my life!  Don't let the oozy goo drag you down, TAKE ACTION everyday.  Reach out to others, take care of yourself, exercise, move or get another job, adopt a stray pet, talk to a counselor, etc.  Think of environments to meet people that are not necessarily sexual- churches, support groups, classes, hiking, ???  The best medicine for depression is TO DO, TO ACT.  Things are going to get better, but help them along OK?  Just keep trying different things until you find the ones that work.

I am so happy you are here!!  I hope you start to find your way to a good flow again!!

With care,

Offline joemutt

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  • Posts: 1,062
Re: Lonely n' Depressed
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2006, 02:27:58 AM »
I'm sorry to read about your loneliness and depression, a big new city, a new job, that's already a tall order by itself. On top of that trying to reach out and make friends and getting discouraged, still I think you have to keep on trying until you connect with worthwhile people; I've been trying the same for the last 6 months, support groups here (Bangkok) are in a language I don't master enough to participate but when I sit in front of my tv it will also not happen, so I try to make "making friends" my priority project, have to force myself a lot, but even with small results I'm sure that's the way to go. I can definitely relate to the difficulty of making friends as opposed to just 'hooking up' (which holds no meaning for me anymore); it's like recognizing the difficulty of doing the small and in between things. I hope you will be well, keep on reaching out!

Offline frenchpat

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  • Love your friends, don't eat them.
Re: Lonely n' Depressed
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2006, 04:04:46 AM »

first, welcome here! It's like a big house full of friendly people, some of whom you might become friends with.

I can relate to your experience, having been through the same sequence diagnosed/end of relationship/moved/new job... it is tough. I guess focus is one thing I tried to keep, being selective in how I occupied my time.

I really needed to keep the new job, so I made sure I was giving it a lot, without overworking. This led me to befriend colleagues quite quickly. they are not my friends, don't know about my status, but they form a nice bunch of people that I can exchange smiles with everyday.
Next, I concentrated on my health, mental and physical. I was a mess when I was diagnosed and went into panic mode. Since I had to start working withing the first month after the bad news I knew I had to find support, to get better and be able to function. So I built my professional support group which includes my doctor, my acupuncturist and my therapist.

I very seldom go to bars or discos, so I knew that if I wanted to meet new people I had to reach out somehow. I decided to finaly get involved in things I had wanted to do for a long time and one of them was to learn a new language, another to start yoga. Through these activities I have met lots of people, some I get on better than others but I always look forward to seeing them the next week.

This has worked for me in lifting the veil of depression that had fallen over my life. I feel I have good health support, am appreciated at work and am living an active life. I still have my moments of sadness but since I have things to look forward to they usually don't last.

I think real friendship is something that comes slowly, or at least it does with me; I feel that I have now an environment  and an attitude that make a real friendship possible.

Keep on trying! You will get there.


People have the power - Patti Smith

Offline Jeffreyj

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  • Posts: 1,403
Re: Lonely n' Depressed
« Reply #5 on: September 02, 2006, 05:43:46 AM »
Hi Sorry to hear you are feeling bad. I think everyone in here  can relate! I went through the same thing just a few weeks ago. I began thinking about the past, and the future, and frickin forgot about today!
And as far as the club scene here in AZ everyone wants to get laid , too. If you can't beat em....
Hope you can find some new friends, and build a support group. I don't think anyone on the planet can go this HIV thing alone.
I've been trying to keep busy too, that has helped me allot. Hope you find your way out soon.
Love and respect,
Positive since 1985

Offline Andy Velez

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  • Member
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Re: Lonely n' Depressed
« Reply #6 on: September 02, 2006, 08:44:40 AM »
30, HIV issues aside, moving to a new city where you are essentially beginning anew is a challenging thing to do for anyone.

I don't know what you are like socially in terms of being able to say hello to people and to strike up new acquaintances. I can tell you that I found Toronto to be a very friendly city when I was there recently for the International Conference. In addition there are active HIV-related organizations there which might be a starting place for you socially. You don't want you whole life to be about HIV but it would at least be good to have some acquaintances there who can appreciate some of the challenges you deal with.

Let us know how you make out and if you have any difficulties making contacts with ASOs we'll see what we can find.

If you are gay, in the "gay village" section of town there is a Community Center which I think might be a useful resource in connecting up with some activities.

What kind of things did you like doing before you moved to Toronto?

In the meantime it never hurts to smile and say good morning to a neighbor you run into. It does mean putting yourself out a bit to get things started.

Keep us posted on how it's going.

« Last Edit: September 02, 2006, 08:59:18 AM by Andy Velez »
Andy Velez

Offline water duck

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  • Posts: 404
Re: Lonely n' Depressed
« Reply #7 on: September 02, 2006, 09:39:22 AM »
Dear Raj,

If i remember well, your  US permit was deny you when you tested POZ with your BF cheating on you; then you posted with your move and new job. That is alot of burdens that you needed to bear with in a very short time with lots of uncertainty. Not much i can say except to encourage you come and vent or post your fears, your hurts -- there is always someone here to listen , to comfort.

Even if you feel very tired , try to go out : to the park, to the library, or just window shopping; you may be surprise that you sometime meet the most interesting people in the most unlikely places BUT just don't stay home and look at the wall.

Loneliness ; after all is also an emotions : and all emotions are like fire : GOOD SERVANTS , BAD MASTERS.

Sending you warm feelings of friendship. Smile, the sun is just behind the cloud !!


Offline thirtysomething

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Re: Lonely n' Depressed
« Reply #8 on: September 02, 2006, 07:31:06 PM »
Hey Guys,

Thanks for the messages.. some of you might not know this, but I've been a member of this forum for past couple of months, but have had no time recently to come online.  'water duck' recognized me though :-)

I've been putting efforts in making new friends and though it has been discouraging so far.. I'm sure sooner or later I will make new friends.. Going out to this bear party tonite to check out how it is like.. (though I'm not a bear, I think I'm a cub.. or whatever that term is in that animal lingo..)

I also will contact Aids Committe of Toronto.. I heard that they have new support groups starting in September.. that will be another way to meet new people.


Offline Rightbrain

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Lonely n' Depressed
« Reply #9 on: September 02, 2006, 07:45:27 PM »
I agree with Killofile, you need a support group.  Just remember that getting to know people will take time.  Being in an unfamiliar environment and in a new job will amplify the feelings of loneliness-because it's a lonely place to be.  I'll bet your co-workers are not thinking of helping you settle in emotionally as they "watch" your job performance.  Stay in close touch here and let us know how you're doing.

brother joe
If there's a cure I hope I can have all the leftover Sustiva.

Offline wellington

  • Member
  • Posts: 509
  • Don't sweat the little things.
Re: Lonely n' Depressed
« Reply #10 on: September 02, 2006, 09:14:53 PM »
I'm in Toronto. Give me a holler and I promise I won't wanna do the nasty with ya - at least not right away :) It's a pretty uppity city, I'll agree, but there's still plenty of fun to be had.


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