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Author Topic: Where to now?  (Read 8078 times)

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Offline calscar

  • New Member
  • Posts: 2
Where to now?
« on: August 27, 2006, 12:41:16 AM »
I have been positive for a number of months now and thought that something might have hit me by now, some motivation, some realisation that this means I need to tidy my stuff up.  But still I feel just numb, accompanied by a desire to do anything necessary to forget or deny that this has happened.  I feel like I am gradually losing control of everything and just drown myself in booze or drugs.  I fully realise that this is not a death sentence and that I share the experience of millions of people around the world, but I feel as if none of it really matters anymore.  It just feels like nothing will go right from here on out and that it is only downhil from here (isn't that the case for everyone), even though I know that this is probably not the case.  I feel torn in half with guilt that I may have infected my bf of 8 years and frustrated that I was safe, but obviously not safe enough.  This all feels like a cheap rip off and I'm the patsy!  I can't see how there is any up-side to all of this!

Offline inthesameboat

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
Re: Where to now?
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2006, 02:36:35 AM »
WE are all in the same boat.  I became poz just a month ago..  I got
 my result in the middle of my lunch break at work on the phone..  I just had time to hang up, look around and realized that my world still the same..I had to go back to work at the same time and get my work load done at the end of the day as any other day..  I realized that i had the feelings and that i was the same person that
 i was few minutes ago before my results.  Theres days better than others..Moments better than others..Difficult moments to come but i take it one at the time.. 
I went to see my doctor and get the test done and keep on going..
Is hard to think about the people that i might infected.. I contacted them using a health agency.. But i had no idea.. as the one that gave it to me..  No one to blame for my situation and no one to blame me..We all have choices in life and that was our choice..    Not reason to feel guilty.  No reason to give up..  Poz is not an excuse to run into drugs and to get sad about ourself..  Is a new opportunity .. a new challenge to face..  A new test in life.
You are not alone..We are all in the same boat..
Life is hard sometimes..and we are stronger everyday.

Offline J.R.E.

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,542
  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Where to now?
« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2006, 04:48:40 AM »
  I fully realise that this is not a death sentence and that I share the experience of millions of people around the world, but I feel as if none of it really matters anymore. 

Hello There !,

I know how you feel. Believe me I do !! I felt that way back in 1985, when I received my Hiv diagnosis. And at that time, there were no medications available, like there are today. I thought my world was coming to an end, and thought " why bother"...  Well that was 21 years ago. That first year was a very tough and difficult year for me. I spent most of it drinking my worries away, on a daily basis.( or at least trying to. But guess what, those problems are still there the next day. After about a year of that, something "clicked" And I said to myself that the path I was taking was too destructive, so I made changes in my life. I quit drinking, quit smoking, made healthy changes to my lifestyle, of which I have no regrets!

Here I am 21 years later. Cal, I know this is all so very new to you, and at times you will seem hopelessly lost, but I can assure you, that things will get better, if YOU allow it to. No one here will tell you that it is an easy road, but if you want to make it, you most certainly will. One of the things that I was always thankful for, was the fact that I was able to discuss my health issues, with whoever wanted to listen. This included my family members. Of course, there are are some that I have not disclosed to, and that is MY CHOICE !!

But being able to talk about HIV was certainly a big step in my life,It made things a lot easier for me, and I was surprised at the support that I had received.On the down- side, there were also those, that wouldn't have anything to do with me.( which was totally fine with me. I don't need people like that in my life. The thing is, I moved on with my life, some of those people never have !
 What has happened in the past, is exactly that." the past" It is now time to look toward the future, and start taking care yourself. Educating yourself, staying informed !! I know you can do it. I also want to say, that after 21 years of this virus, there are still times when I feel "numb"... But I still manage to get on with life, the best I can.

The Best-----Ray

Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 20mg of Atorvastatin, 25 mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Amlodipine Besolate 5mg-- Updated 9/24/2017

Diagnosed positive in 1985,.. In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started on  HAART on October 24th, 2003.

 As of 9/18/2017,  Viral load remains <40
CD 4 @358 /  CD4 % @ 13

 65 years young.

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,138
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Where to now?
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2006, 04:54:05 AM »
Hi Cal, welcome to the forum.

The reality of the situation is that unless you and your boyfriend tested together when your relationship began and unless you two without doubt have both been monogamous, if he tests positive you may never know who infected whom. It is totally possible, for instance, that he was positive all along and neither of you knew.

But how you got here isn't important - but where you go from here is. It sounds as though you're having a very difficult time with all this and I'd like you to give some careful thought to getting some support for yourself in the form of counseling. The drugs and booze are not going to make your situation go away and they will have a detrimental effect on your health.

If  you haven't already, please read through the Just Tested Poz Welcome Thread so you can find all the other sections of this website. The forums are just the tip of the iceberg. Feel free to come back and ask any questions that may arise while you read.

I'd like to ask one favour of you. Please, do not discuss your seroconversion illness symptoms in the Am I Infected forum. We do NOT discuss symptoms over there because symptoms or the lack of symptoms means absolutely nothing when it comes to hiv infection. Discussing symptoms over there only fuel fears and it might also have the effect of making someone who has experienced NO symptoms to think they don't need to test, when in fact they do. I hope you understand and will cooperate with my simple request. Thanks.

You may have also opened yourself up to getting PMs from people in that forum who are questioning their hiv status. If this happens, please tell them to ask their questions in the public forum - or ignore them. We do not encourage people from that forum to contact newly diagnosed people - you've got enough on your plate as it is without having to deal with intrusive questions. I can delete the post you made in that forum if you wish - that might be the best thing to do. Let me know either here or via a PM.

And hang in there - it does get better in time.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 32,266
Re: Where to now?
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2006, 10:42:43 AM »
Hi Cal,

It takes time to get adjusted to living with HIV. People have all kinds of reactions to the news and your drinking and drugging and confusion is a very common response.

I suggest that you check out and see what HIV/AIDS service organizations there are in your area where you can get support individually and perhaps in groups as well. While being cautious about whom you choose to disclose to, you also want to avoid being isolated with this which can just make your head go crazy.

It's very important to have a doctor monitoring your numbers regularly and with whom you can develop a good working partnership to keep you healthy.

Gradually you will learn what you need to know about staying healthy. You're always welcome to ask questions here and to discuss anything that's on your mind. Check out the various subject categories, especially the living with section, and I think you will find some helpful and supportive information there.


Andy Velez

Offline calscar

  • New Member
  • Posts: 2
Re: Where to now?
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2006, 05:50:24 AM »
thanks for all the support and comments...suppose it just helps to get a more rational/experienced perspective from time to time.
I guess I just needed to vent, and it was great to find a community of people who are willing to offer guidance.
Thanks all , it means so much

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 32,266
Re: Where to now?
« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2006, 09:26:15 AM »
Glad to know you have found the responses to be helpful, Cal. Give yourself time and life is going to be a whole lot better than you may imagine at this moment. Really. No kidding.

Andy Velez

Offline Joe K

  • Standard
  • Member
  • Posts: 5,820
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Where to now?
« Reply #7 on: August 30, 2006, 08:28:05 PM »
Hello Cal,

You may not see it now but eventually HIV will become just another facet of your life.  The first year is always the hardest as your world has been torn apart.  All the thoughts, emotions and even the unhealthy habits of drugs and booze can all contribute to total confusion, so might I suggest that you start at one place and move on from there.

As I read your post I am struck by some of your comments that suggest you may suffer from type of anxiety or depression and maybe a trip to a mental health professional might be in order.  I've been poz for 22 years and I suffer from severe depression so I can see much of myself in what you write.  It's not a bad thing as it is where you are right now, but there is help available.  Just as you find some solace here, maybe talking with someone in person could help to clarify issues for you.

The bottom line is you are not going to do any permanent damage by numbing yourself with drugs/alcohol, but at some point you will have to stop and find constructive ways of dealing with your issues, so why not now?  I know this is the hardest thing you have ever done and the fear of infecting your partner is horrific, but right now these are all just emotions and thoughts so just go with them.  Emotions are neither right nor wrong they just are, it's the behavior that can get you into trouble.

You need some support and while you have plenty here, I think you need some local support in whatever fashion you think will help you the most.  All that matters is that you get the support you need to help you move through these times, because there is never any shame in admitting that we have issues that are beyond our ability to handle alone.  We have all leaned on someone and you have found family here, so share your life, fears, rants and raves and welcome to the family.

Offline alterman

  • Member
  • Posts: 48
Re: Where to now?
« Reply #8 on: September 04, 2006, 02:28:00 AM »
I remember when I got tested 1990,I were still feeling healthy How I found out is when my wife and me went to get our marriage physical and that is when the doctor told my wife and I my resorts.but we are still married to this day.
I got hiv from using IV drugs.so the first thing I did was enrole in a methadone clinic and I am on methadone till this day.and I truely feel if I wasn't on mathadone I will be dead by now.
I feel very lucky because alot of my friends are already dead and I have witness one of my close friends dying of aids and his family neclected him
even to the point of given him a ride to the hospital.I saw him walking one day I will never forget this day.He were so sick weasing laboring to catch his breath trying to make it to the hospital that was about a mile all I was able to do is give hime money to catch a jetney to the hospital.
I remember when I went to see a doctor and my tcell was 500 the doctor told me I was lucky because they caught my hiv in time.I don't know how he knew this but this was in the early ninties when all they had was AZT.But bactrim saved alot of lives because victims was dying thousands.Thank God for Bactrim.

Offline ndrew

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  • Posts: 695
  • ....-.-.-.-.-.....
Re: Where to now?
« Reply #9 on: September 05, 2006, 09:36:18 AM »
Hi Cal,

I am very sorry for you, this is a very hard thing, huh? 

The fact is, you make the upside and I hope you decide to stop drowning in drugs and alcohol and start living.  I know it is scary.  I know it is tough, but you can make a good life for yourself and there is help available.  I hope you keep reaching out.  It takes work, but there are people to help you.  I am glad you are here.

I have been positive since 2004 and I have mostly given up drugs and alcohol.  I cannot say that my life is easy.  I work hard, I keep busy and I do get scared and a whole range of human feelings, but they are mine and in many ways I feel I am the happiest and most fulfilled I have been in my life.  Coming here has really helped me by learning, sharing and supporting.

Please take care of yourself.  You have started to take some steps on your new journey.  You are right, you have not been given a death sentence.  You have been given a LIFE SENTENCE!  I hope you are up the for challenge to learn and love YOUR time!  Welcome friend...

Love and support,


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