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Author Topic: I want this life to be over  (Read 6154 times)

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Offline buca45

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I want this life to be over
« on: April 30, 2010, 10:24:07 PM »
I hope you all don't mind...I need to get a few things out of my head and am thinking if I put them in writing, it might help to get me over this miserable feeling.
I am in my 17th or 18th year of dealing with all of this shit. Lately I have been fighting with myself on how to end this whole thing but just don't have the balls to actually do it. I know if I say anything about doing this I will be put back in the mental ward (been there three times for depression/suicidal thoughts) where I will have no choice but to live and live miserably there.
On April 14th, I lost my best friend (a Golden Retriver/Chow mix kind of friend) of 13 years. She developed liver cancer and went within a few days. Seeing her get so ill so fast and being faced with having her put to her final sleep made me question why we don't get to have the same option.
I should say I am in decent shape....lots of smaller things are happening, but when combined with my lifelong depression, makes it hard to think positively about anything and really want to live any longer.
Interesting thing is a few months before we got her from the shelter, I met a man and we 'set up house' and are still together. It has been a rocky relationship from the start and now I think we both might realize that she kept us together...he admitted this to me a few times since she left when he was drunk... and while I cannot admit it to myself, I think he is probably right.
I do have to give him a ton of credit as he is negative and while he did start off being uber supportive about my status, it might be hard for him now to be the same. Of course we have had our ups and downs but lately it seems that there are only downs to be experienced.
Got to send this.
"Love and Laughter and Happiness Ever After"

Offline buca45

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2010, 10:37:43 PM »
*for some reason my puter makes it impossible to type anymore when I get to the end of the window*
So anyway, he is going through a rough time at work...we moved to Chicago last year and he had a miserable time at his job, but we were lucky enough for him to find another job and we were able to move back to our home here in WNY. His being new at his job, being very unhappy with me and a rough financial situation now is just getting him down...of course also combined with losing our 'daughter' I think he is giving up as well.
I have been on SSDI for 7 or so years now and I just see myself getting weaker and weaker....I am on a myriad of pain killers and mental health drugs in addition to the HIV combo...and while I want to work and contribute to the household, I know I can't do it any more.
I wake up at 5AM everyday in severe pain, take 120 mgs of oxycontin, then lay back down and wait for the pain to go away.
During this hour or so every morning, as I lay in bed next to him waiting for the pain to go away, it is the worst time of the day. Over the past few weeks since she has been gone.....I keep waiting for her to come down the hall to tell me good morning....it has become unbearable.
Nothing I do is of interest, I don't want to eat...I used to cook us all kinds of goodies before she left...and I just do not have any interest in life. I have become totally isolated over the past 4 or 5 years and I speak to no one. I have no desire to have anyone in my life and I used to be so involved in living with a ton of interests.
Gotta send again.
"Love and Laughter and Happiness Ever After"

Offline buca45

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2010, 10:49:57 PM »
I used to be so active with my job (server and restaurant manager) and really loved the interaction with people. Besides my job I would read voraciously, work on the house and yard, had interests of all kinds and really had a good life. And my dog was always right next to me looking at me like she knew everything I was thinking. Now that she is gone I just can't think straight...nothing makes sense and nothing makes me laugh or even smile....but that has been going on for along time anyway.
Sure I have had ups and downs with my health...it was ALWAYS one thing or another, but with a good Dr and caring clinic staff I always got through every challenge. Now I just keep hoping I will have a stroke or a heart attack and will die fast.
I keep imagining all of the ways of committing suicide...over and over...every scenario....but I can't seem to get to the point of actually doing it. Every month when I get my meds I look at the 13 bottles of meds and wonder which combo and how much it would take to kill myself. And every month I think this month will be the time I do it.
Today we had yet another yelling match. He wants to just stop working and tells me that everyone is telling him that I am no good for him and he should leave me. In a huge way, while I don't agree with them as they don't know my side of the story, I too think he should leave and go back to Florida. The thing that I guess really gets me is he will drink and get so drunk that he doesn't remember what he does or says...or that is his excuse the next day anyway.
The evening will start off fine with us having a decent time...decent but not fun for me as we end up fighting. I have not really been drunk in over a year as I just wait for him to go crazy and start with the shouting and accusing me of being a loser.
Gotta send again.
"Love and Laughter and Happiness Ever After"

Offline buca45

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2010, 10:59:47 PM »
Just to clarify, I am not drunk or anything right now as I write this.....this  is how my mind is working anymore. I can't seem to focus on anything and nothing makes sense. I noticed I can't remember any thing any more...watching movies or reading...it is all one big blur. I don't even know how time has passed by so quickly...it was like yesterday there was snow everywhere and now the leaves are on the trees. This used to be my favorite time of the year as I would plan projects to do around the house and I could walk with my baby in the park...if anything, this spring/summer seems like it is going to be my last one.
I know you all mean well by telling me to talk to someone....a professional...but because of all my childhood issues and me having to relive them in order for the dr to know why I am so messed up mentally, I cannot bring myself to talking to anyone any more. I don't want to do support groups...seeing others in worse shape than me, I can't handle that. My feeble mind just goes crazy thinking I will soon look like them...actually I do now with my body turning to mush....such skinny legs, pancake like man boobs where there was once a big buldging chest...no ass...I mean no ass. I look in the mirror and still see a good face looking back and for that I am happy, but I am waiting for my cheeks to sink in and my teeth to fall out. I just wrote about how my teeth are so fucked up a few weeks ago.
I am sorry if my words hurt anyone...I know what I just said sounds terrible....but for every man or woman who is hurt by this descripition, believe me, I feel 100000 times worse.
"Love and Laughter and Happiness Ever After"

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2010, 11:13:18 PM »
*for some reason my puter makes it impossible to type anymore when I get to the end of the window*
as the ComputerTutor, my other alter-ego, first, let me suggest this solution
if you're using IE you might need to click on the compatability button (the "torn page" looking icon up by the address bar and the refresh button. that usually fixes the issue with the window problem (especially if it was getting all "jumpy" when you tried to type past the window size)

as to your other issues, I am sorry to hear about your troubles and I can sympathize - which is what I hope you're looking for by posting such a thread.

My first partner and I raised cocker spaniels and I have had to bury 7 that out-lived him and 1 that he never even knew. I have 3 others he didn't know who are still alive but getting rather long in the tooth at 10, 11, and 11. (my oldest spaniel only lived to 14 and the average age at death was 11 from this family of dogs, so I don't reckon I'll have my boyz around for much longer). Today I'm remembering the 2 yr anniversary of my second long term partner's death and in another 24 days I'll remember the 16th anniversary of that losing that first long term partner. This is my 18th yr of being poz and I've been on disability for a decade. I've been through 14 meds, maybe which I had to give up because puking everyday is not what I call a life. When my second partner recently passed away, I lost our car, our home, and had to give away nearly all the possesions I had garnered with both partners over 25 yrs in Oh, to had to move into a bedroom at my mom's house in SC.

I tell you these things not to brag, not to compare our woes; but to hopefully show you that others have gone through similar things and still keep pressing on every day. You are obviously going through a time of deep depression and grief having just lost a member of your family (yes, pets are very much like children in our lives) and thinking that you would like this life to end is not such an unheard-of response. God knows I wish I wasn't living the life I'm living without my 2 partners, 8 dogs, and 1 cats, not to mention my home and friends of 25 yrs back in Ohio. But life is an every-changing, ever-evolving situation, and one choice we have is to do what we have to do to find some comfort and some happiness in it. I've seen the other choice in the 2 partners no longer here - they have no friends, no joy, no sorrow, no love, no meds, no food - no life and no existence.

For me after each of those deaths, my life has been upheaved, and even in the struggle with the grief and depression, I've have to bear the burden and press forward to find new friends, new lovers, new pets, and new homes.

I hope that you and your partner can find some solutions to your issues. Is it too soon for another pet? I say that as a man that used to have 7 spaniels in the house (the first pack) and then 4 (the second pack) of which 3 are still remaining. Personally, I would NEVER live more than a week without a pet. I'm already considering what kind of dog I'll get next - and next will be as soon as one of these boyz passes away, so that I don't go without a pet when the last of these older ones is gone.

I wish I had more "solutions" to offer as it seems you and yours have had a hard time with jobs, recent moves, health issues, and losing a member of your family. These things are very hard to deal with and it takes time to find many of the answers. Please give yourself some time to adjust to the grief and what lies beyond before you truly decide whether you "wish this life was over".

hugs and best wishes to you,
leatherman (aka mIkIE)

All the stars are flashing high above the sea
and the party is on fire around you and me
We're gonna burn this disco down before the morning comes
- Pet Shop Boys

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Offline buca45

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2010, 11:13:48 PM »
I don't know what else to say. I just wish my life was over and I could be cremated and be done with all of this shit.
I know I should be happy for being alive and living a decent life with basically no worries....well other than losing my mind and being such a burden on a man I really do love. But I just don't see anything positive in my life....because there is nothing positive there anymore.
I have had a great life up to a few years ago....traveled everywhere in the country, lived in most of the happening big cities and knew some really nice people. I did everything I have ever wanted to do....and I did it the way I wanted to do it. I have had a good life, but now I just want it to be over and for my partner to go on and live his life and find the happiness that I thought I gave him....no I knew I gave him. When we were holding our baby those final hours, we talked about everything we had been through and how she was always a huge part of our life. As we were driving to the vets, I sat in the back seat and she just pushed her body into mine and pushed her head into my neck and stared at me the entire ride. She let me know that she too had a tremendous life....from a being one of 5 puppies at a shelter to having a life that real kids could only dream of. She said good bye to  me and thanked me for being her friend as much as I was thanking her for being my best friend. Believe it or not but my BF feels jealous and told me I was the only one she loved. He actually is/was mad at me for that! That I guess is what hurts so much...to realize it was probably because of her that we got along well. Now that she has gone to sleep, our life is over...he doesn't want me anymore adn I guess I too don't want him either.
I was always told as a kid that I would be nothing and would go nowhere, but because of so many people telling me this, I made myself get out of the small town I was raised in and made a great life for myself. I turned from a fat miserable litttle gay boy into a good looking (so I was told) man who just had so much to offer. Now I don't think that way about myself anymore and I cannot pull myself up anymore.
"Love and Laughter and Happiness Ever After"

Offline buca45

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2010, 11:19:19 PM »
OK Thanks so much guys for letting me put all this down. I doubt that anything makes  sense, but guess what...welcome to my world!!
I wish everyone out there a lot of happiness. If I could come as far as I did in my 50 years, I am sure you all did too. It is just this shitty disease has taken everything away from us. Do what I cant do anymore and live your lives the best you can. Don't take any good things for granted and appreciate every pain free day like it was your last.
Again, thanks for letting me ramble incoherently for hte past hour. I just took my xanax and I am so tired now...got to go to bed and wait for 5 AM to come around so I can get up and take my daily dose of oxy so I can be pain free for another day. Don''t worry that I am going to kill myself...I dont have the balls to do that....I will go on no matter what happens to me. I have been through a hell of a lot of nasty  ass things in my life and  this is no different....well, yes it is different, and I will get by somehow.
Thanks guys!
"Love and Laughter and Happiness Ever After"

Offline Alain

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2010, 11:22:34 PM »
Buca45, I think its great that you still have the courage to come here and lay it all out. I know its hard, but you have been there before and for 17 years or so. Hang onto this, as you have not been fighting for nothing.

You did it for you and against all road blocks and adversity. You are making sense of all your issues and that is telling me that the awareness is there, so you are not so depressed and loss, like before or as you might think. You are just in need of a brake and understandably so.

Maybe its not so obvious for you right now, perhaps some relief is just around the corner, maybe you cannot see all this being solved and especially all at once. Trying to look at issues separately, finding solutions only one at the time, is less stressful and a lot more manageable when we have so much on our minds.

The important thing is Buca, if you are in such need right now, please do not hesitate to go back to the emergency at the hospital. I know how you feel, about this place, but at least you would be safe, looked after and getting some time you need to get things sorted out.

You've come a long way, I am in my 24 years and I know what its like to live with pain all the time. Don't despair, try to have a good night sleep and maybe just maybe, tomorrow you can have a different outlook on all of this.

Hang on to the good times and memories about your dear doggy and even your daughter, as life will, and I believe bring your way, some form of happiness in a lot of different ways. You have to believe and please don't be a stranger and keep talking, it will give you something to do, and here, there is always someone willing to listen.

Hang on and courage to you my friend. You can do it and you're not alone. 

Offline BT65

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2010, 06:25:58 AM »
Buca, thanks for opening your soul like you did.  That takes balls.  And I'm so, so sorry about the loss of your best friend.  Pets depend on us for everything, and you did what was right.  You gave your dog a good life, one that no one else could, and for that, be happy.

You don't say what the source of your pain is; why it is you're on oxycontin every day.  And how long you've been on it.  You also mentioned taking Xanax.  I know that these meds can help, but I think to depend on them for long-term use is a huge contributing factor to depression.  I'm saying this not to preach.  I was in a similar boat as you.  I was taking strong narcotics (prescription) and Valium/Xanax combination for some years, and I can tell you, I was down about 100% of the time.  These meds, when mixed together, can really contribute to the depression.  I'm not telling you to stop taking them right now; that would obviously be a disaster.  But, I would strongly encourage you to investigate the issues for taking them, and try to work on these issues to get them resolved.  If that involves talking to a counselor, seeing a good psychiatrist, and trying to get to the bottom of your pain, then maybe that's what needs to be done.  You know you're worth every second this would take, and life can only get better.  I'm saying this because I've been down the road you're on now.  I mean, not every situation  you're going through, with the guy, dog dying etc., but medication wise, and being frustrated being a long-term survivor (into my 21st year), thinking of how my body used to look compared to now, financially frustrated etc.  Acceptance is one of the hardest things I work on, but I have to try.  I don't want to be miserable, and I know you don't either.

I'm no shrink, no doctor, not a miracle worker.  But, I do know the feelings you describe, to a "T."  Please take one of the issues at a time, and work on said issue.  Keep going, keep walking down the road.  There are quite a few of us long-term survivors, and we can empathize with different issues  you're going through.  And keep talking to us.  We're listening.
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Offline OneTampa

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #9 on: May 02, 2010, 11:46:43 AM »

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a trying time. 

You note in your post that you have no worries except the mental duress. There are many who have a load of worries in addition to mental struggles.  As Leatherman notes, we all can compare woes.  I would add, and stay on these Boards for days.

You actually are your greatest asset because you recognize that you need help.

Please go and see a mental health professional who will take the great start you've made in looking at the
issues and help you move forward in a positive and healing way.

All the Best.
"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline Trace67

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #10 on: May 02, 2010, 04:11:33 PM »
Hi Buca:

I understand many of the different things that you are going through. I have been HIV positive since 1995 and was diagnosed with full blown AIDS in 2004 after living for years in denial of the disease. I know its hard with the pain and depression as I also am on antidepressants, pain meds, and my HIV meds. But dont give up-keep fighting. Sometimes, its also a struggle for me to even walk half a block but I am gonna keep on fighting and I am not going to relinquish to this disease. Feel free to pm me if you ever want to talk or need a new friend.

Offline Theyer

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #11 on: May 02, 2010, 07:00:50 PM »
hi Buca
I am sorry for the loss you and your partner have had and the sad place the pair off you now find your self,s in.I know its hard to discuss anything when alcohol is involved  but when I read your stuff it did come over as two people grieving. I hope you both can get to the place you where in during the last hours off your dogs life  to talk to each other , take care .
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline Billy B

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #12 on: May 03, 2010, 07:23:49 PM »
Hello Buca- I am sorry that things are so tough for you. It sounds like a lot of negative has happened in your life. But a little tough love is coming....Your partner need to get into AA and get his drinking problem taken care of. You need to get your pain killer/ Xanax addition taken care of also. I am an addict and I have been clean for 15 years. Please get some help now.
Peace & Love ,
VL 4420 CD4 340 CD4% 24   3/15/10 Started I&T
VL  UD   CD4 340 CD4% 26.5 05/13/10
VL  UD   CD4 360 CD4% 27.1 08/3/10
VL  UD   CD4 310 CD4% 28.4 11/22/10
VL  UD   CD4 420 CD4% 27.9 02/11/11
VL  UD   CD4 370 CD4% 26.4 06/08/11
VL  UD   CD4 360 CD4% 27.7 09/23/11
VL  UD   CD4 370 CD4% 28.3 01/20/12
VL  UD   CD4 430 CD4% 28.8 05/11/12
VL  UD   CD4 370 CD4% 28.1 09/07/12
VL  UD   CD4 390 CD4% 32.3 03/14/13
VL  UD   CD4 450 CD4% 29.8 09/10/13
VL  UD   CD4 430 CD4% 31.0 04/29/14
VL  UD   CD4 520 CD4% 34.8 11/05/15
VL  UD   CD4 440 CD4% 33.5 03/10/15
VL  UD   CD4 450 CD4% 30.5 08/23/16

Offline Bikerbear48

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2010, 05:45:11 PM »

I tend to agree with Billy, we all have issues with our status, and trust me I am not one to leave things out, but I go to the gym, go for walks, have my garden, help a gay senior organization out, and then my partner and I travel, I left my job 2 years ago due to the economy and prejudice that I can never prove, bastards! Anyway, oh..and forgot to mention I ride a sport touring bike and get out on it as much as possible! We are not rich by any means, but we dont have a huge savings, and my meds are paid for by the goverment, thank god! If the day comes I will go on my partners insurance, but saving that for an emegency, as well as becoming his domestic partner legally. But try to do some things like this and get out of the house. Get off the OxyContin that is badddd shit! And your partner definitely needs to find a gay AA group and go with him on occasion, it would mean the world to him. Change your diet, make it interesting, it will give you something to do, and if your partner does not want to support you with these things...well I think you know the answer to what you need to do! There are people out there and organizattions that will help you find a plac and get back on your feet. I hope this is a little inspiring, and just to let yoou know, I am going on 28 years of being Positive! yaaaa...so keep your chi up bud!

Sunny San Diego

Hello Buca- I am sorry that things are so tough for you. It sounds like a lot of negative has happened in your life. But a little tough love is coming....Your partner need to get into AA and get his drinking problem taken care of. You need to get your pain killer/ Xanax addition taken care of also. I am an addict and I have been clean for 15 years. Please get some help now.
Peace & Love ,

Pretty normal guy here living healthy in San Diego, always willing to have discussions concerning HIV, or even making friends in the forum here and abroad. Feel free to chat me up anytime, Friendly Bearish guy, happily partnered in San Diego,

Offline Still_Here4Now

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #14 on: May 06, 2010, 02:10:10 PM »
 I have to say that was more then a mouth full! I hear what your saying and I got to say you do need help! Weather it is from outside or self help you need help. You did mention that you had a traumatic childhood and do not want to talk about it. Well that right there is the place you need to start. I can tell you that you need to start at the beginning For if you do not start to unravel the ball of hate/insecurity/depression at the start! you can have counseling for yrs and never get better. Think of your feelings and this emotional pain as yarn. You know that you have to unravel it a certain way or it will just get knotted up and become so tangled that you really will not throw it away because it is good, Yet you will always look at it and say I deal with it later!!
Well my brother you need to realize(i think you have reached out & that's a good start) that your trauma and drama started with childhood and that is exactly where you need to start with a therapist! As for your lover! Well he who helps himself is always a winner!
Sorry if you dislike what I have said. Yet I was a victim of child abuse from more that one family member! As well raped by a stranger! And then disowned when I was 19! Been poz for well over 20yrs and went thru colon cancer in 2004! Hey I got denture's and well let me tell you, It sucks yet what a hum job you can give a man!
Good Luck and I will say a prayer for you!

Offline lforsyth

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #15 on: May 07, 2010, 03:13:09 PM »
I feel for you buca45.  I'm a long time survivor myself and it's been like waiting for the other shoe to drop not to mention waiting to see what kind of day it's going to be with the meds. I tested positive in 1986 when anonymous testing was available but felt something was wrong in 1985.  Three different people I had relations with from 1984 through 1986 all tested positive.

Like Still_Here4Now I was also abused as a child, beaten by my Mother while she ranted and raved like a mad woman. He's right about counseling.  I went through years of therapy and it helped but you never get over things totally.  My memories of childhood come back now that I've been working for a verbally abusive female manager.

In 1986 I had a relationship where my partner would tell others that I didn't do anything around the house.  He didn't tell them that when I went to do anything he would say "Don't do that, I'll do it." At least my company was moving from L.A. to AZ so I got a transfer rather than put up with any more of his bullshit and the crap others were giving me.

A recent counselor turned me on to a book called "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns.  I found it helpful in being able to recognize that the voice in my head blew situations out of proportion.

Whatever you do I hope the best for you.  Ranting is a way to start and we all need to get things off of our chest.
Tested POZ in 1986, knew there was something wrong in 1985. 04/2010 CD4: 975 Viral Load undetectable. Prezista, Norvir, Truvada, Acyclovir, Plavix, Lisinopril, Metoprolol and a bedtime snack of Lipitor (YUM)

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #16 on: May 07, 2010, 04:35:14 PM »
hey buca, how are things going now? Oh i don't expect you to tell us that there have been any earth-shattering changes in your life yet. However it's been a week since we heard anymore from you, and I was wondering how you're doing. ;)

hang in there!
leatherman (aka mIkIE)

All the stars are flashing high above the sea
and the party is on fire around you and me
We're gonna burn this disco down before the morning comes
- Pet Shop Boys

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Offline buca45

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #17 on: May 24, 2010, 11:46:01 AM »
Hello all!
First off, THANK YOU ALL so much for reaching out and offering some sincere and nice words and thoughts...all are much appreciated!
Let me say things have gotten so much better since I started this desperate thread.
I realized if I did not get tough with my guy and do it fast there would be no looking back and we would be done for good. A few talkless days after I wrote, I spent a day thinking of what I could say and how I could say it to get the lines of positive communication open between us. Once we got to talking, and it was a long process of going through many years of our lives together, every thing came out and we addressed all of our issues.
The best thing out of a number of great things to happen was neither of us has had anything to drink for the past almost month.
It was clear to both of us that nothing good came out of doing so and we made an agreement on how we would handle this in the future. Just last night he commented on how much better he felt and how much better life was without drinking ourselves out of the pain. One day at a time, but up to now these days are very good.
We are moving forward with the agreement of always communicating our feelings and thoughts and will never again give the other any type of problem. Of course it is going to take some time to resolve all of our differences, but with both of us agreeing to treat the other with respect and love, I know we can get back to living a good life together.
A very strange thing happened last Wednesday and it too has brought us both back to life.
The father of my partner's coworker had a stroke then passed away a week later. He was also blind and had been disabled for some time before his stroke. He had a guide dog/companion Frazier, a 6 yo Golden Retriever who now needed a new home. Although we had agreed that after our baby passed away  we would never adopt another dog, for some reason the minute we were told of the search for a home for him we knew we HAD to step forward and give him the new home he needed. Something was driving us strongly to adopting this dog and we did not question it at any time.
We set up a time on Wednesday to drop in to meet him. Another man was coming before us and we were told if he didn't take him then that we could adopt him. Well, when the man got there Frazier would not have anything to do with him. According to what we were told, while he had always been very friendly to everyone he came in contact with, he would not even come close to this man, even refusing to be in the same room with the guy. While he pleaded with the son to take the dog anyway, he felt it was not a good match at all, so he refused him.
We then arrived, walked in and sat down on the couch. They let Frazier in from the backyard and he at first looked at us, seemingly in a great playful mood. For about a minute he just stood there staring at us before slouching down and putting his tail between his legs. With his head held low, he slowly walked to my partner and licked his face before pressing his body and head into his chest and legs. He then looked at him right in the eyes and I noticed some tears fallling from the dogs eyes! He stood this way for a few minutes before backing off and walking over to me doing the exact same thing. He just pressed as hard as he could against me and stared me in the eyes. His eyes were full of tears! At that point I too started crying as looking into his eyes was like looking at my dogs eyes.
I got this weird feeling and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I (we) felt that Buca was back and was once again in my arms! He would not go away from us and just kept looking directly in our eyes. The son was just amazed as he said he was always in a playful mood, especially when he met strangers and this mood was not seen before.
We had struck a common point with Frazier....we had lost our baby exactly four weeks prior almost to the minute we had he put to her final sleep and he had just lost his 'dad' three days earlier. I think we shared our grief with each other and then came to the realization that we both had found each other.
After speaking with the son and finding out all the things we needed to know about our new baby, we loaded him and his belongings in the car and made the ride home. Since the time we got him home, he has been by our side, touching one if not both of us constantly. I have never met such a calm and mild mannered dog before. He just comes up to us, looks in our eyes and puts his face against ours. He has been in our bed with us almost since the day he came into the house. When we sleep he has his body pressed against one of us and he stays in until we all wake up in the morning.
The stranger part of it is he has all of Buca's mannerisms and the things that she would do to make us laugh. He knows all of the commands she knew...everything is Buca. It is as though Buca's soul took possession of Frazier's body and she is back with us. I know this story sounds unbelievable, but it exactly what  happened and how we are feeling.
We told all of our friends and family the story and they too are saying the same thing. Those who knew Buca well and have met Frazier see the same things we do...her behavior is identical to Fraziers. Just the feeling of being in his presence brings Buca back to us. It is an amazing and somewhat strange feeling to have. We realize he has entered our lives to help the three of us heal from our mutual grief. Just as our lives were turned upside down because of Buca passing away so unexpectedly, Fraziers 'dad' has also left him and he too is in deep grief.
While the three of us will never forget what having Buca/Daddy in our lives has done for us, we are now together and are going to get back to living again.
I swear after we put Buca to sleep we agreed we would never own another dog again. But like I said, it was not even something that needed to be discussed...the minute we met we knew we had found each other again. His old owners son has called us numerous times and is so glad that Frazier has found the best home a dog could find. He has been so great in communicating with us about Frazier and is more at peace with his dad's passing as he was such a huge part of his life. Knowing he will be treated like a king in our home is allowing him to move forward in accepting his loss, just as we too are healing from losing our baby thanks to Frazier being in our lives now.
Let me send this and I will address some of the things that were brought up in the replies you all sent.
"Love and Laughter and Happiness Ever After"

Offline leatherman

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #18 on: May 24, 2010, 11:58:51 AM »
being a long time dog owner (down to 3 great-grandsons from a 24 yr line of cocker spaniels), and a firm believer in never living without a dog in my life (didn't I tell y'all to consider another dog ;))  - that was one of the most beautiful stories I've heard. I'm all teary from reading after reading your post. I'm so happy for all three of you and so glad y'all are able to help one another heal. ;D

best wishes to you guys on working on your relationship, and Woof! to Frazier! ;D
leatherman (aka mIkIE)

All the stars are flashing high above the sea
and the party is on fire around you and me
We're gonna burn this disco down before the morning comes
- Pet Shop Boys

chart from 1992-2015

Offline Jeff G

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #19 on: May 24, 2010, 12:05:48 PM »
Beautiful story . I'm going to go kiss my bulldog Zita right on the lips .
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Offline buca45

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #20 on: May 24, 2010, 02:46:14 PM »
BT65, the source of my severe pain has not been discovered. I have been to specialists and have had every sort of test imaginable to track down the root cause. No luck at all. What I have been told by both my ID doc and two other pain specialists are that this is a long term effect of having been on so many failed combos and just being HIV+ with an AIDS diagnosis in my past. Norvir seems to be the culprit of it getting to this extreme point. It is both muscle and joint pain...if it were one or the other I am sure the cause could be easliy diagnosed, but with both at the same time it is quite baffling.
It matters not if I am active (LOL) during the day or if I do nothing but watch TV and browse the internet, this pain is there. I wake up in pain at around 5-5:30 AM and take two 60mg Oxys and lay back down waiting for the pain to subside. About an hour or so later I am myself again and can get up and do some light housekeeping. Come 5 PM when my Oxy wears off, I take 10mg of Hydrocodone and that lasts the rest of the night until bedtime.
At that time I take 2 more 1mg tabs of Xanax to get me to sleep (I also take 1 mg twice during the day to keep my mind and panic attacks under control). A few months ago I was prescribed Marinol, 40 mg a day which I take around 3 pm. This relaxes me to the point of not having the muscle spasms which usually occur when the Oxy starts wearing off. If I do anything...mowing the small yard, cleaning the house, walking...these spasms become very annoying and painful.
While I realize I am addicted to all three (Oxy - 1 year+, Hydrocodone - 6 yrs+ and Xanax 7 years +) I cannot imagine life without them. I have tried all classes of pain meds, even morphine patches, but nothing works as well as this combo.
At this point in my life, I will do ANYTHING to live as comfortably as possible...I do not care about the addiction issue and neither does my Doctor. He sees things the way I do and tells me not to worry about the addiction IF I am comforable and not in this pain both mentally and physically. Quality of life is my main goal now and to me QOL = no pain.
As far as the reason for the depression and anxiety, this has been a major part of my life...and it has been a controlling part.
I did have a rather nasty childhood...there was plenty of abuse in all forms, verbal, physical and sexual. The combination of these things has altered my life to the point of it controlling my every action. I have spoken to therapists over and over again and to me, for me, it just does not work. Meds yes, speaking about how miserable I was/am/can be, no.
I have opened the doors and been nothing but truthful to all of the therapists and groups since I was 18 and there has been no answer...no resolution to how I feel. The damage that was done because of this ongoing abuse as a child is not reversible.
Along with the extensive counseling I have been on many forms of medications to help me cope with the depression and anxiety. Currently I take a huge dose of Prozac and Xanax and for me this combo works the best.
While I do have my down days (brought on by experiencing and thinking about the pain) for the most part I am rather calm and happy. I have noticed over the years though that all it takes is one small incident for me to experience a huge mood swing. I can go from happy to severely depressed over an argument/disagreement and then nothing brings me back to normal for a few days.
Yes, it is a hassle to take these drugs and  I realize the addictive aspect of it all. But again, FOR ME, this is what it takes to get through the day in a relativly acceptable condition.
I am not seeing a mental health specialist at this time and haven't for the past two years. My regular doc left his practice and set me up to see another therapist in his office but the thought of going back over my history is not a pleasant thing to go through again. Revealing this horrific childhood brings me right back into it....like I am reliving it all again. A few times was fine to share this if I thought it would help, but at age 51 now I am not going to go through it again.
Same with group therapy. I cannot listen to anyone else's issues without going through anxiety attacks. Again, just like relating my history to therapists to tell group members of what I am going through only serves to make me relive it all again.

Believe me, if I could be as active as you, I would be! I spent most of my adult life working out and up to when the lipo struck a few years ago (this mindblowing pain started about the same time) I was in excellent health and I felt great about myself. I fought through every med change and adjusted my life so I could still work out. Now I cannot do anything more strenous than a slow walk to the park at the end of my street.
My partner is a total gym rat and has tried every type of exercise with me, all to no avail. All I can manage is a slow..forget about brisk, walk for a few blocks.
Again, I don't care about being an addict. What might be an issue for some people is not one for me. As long as I can be without pain...or rather if it is under control...and I can think good thoughts, I am satisfied with my life. I am not one to be a debbie downer focusing on every tiny issue, it actually takes me quite a bit of stress for me to start thinking it is not worth it any longer.
I have survived so many things that others would not have had the strength to. I am lucky to have had the life I have and still do to some extent...Believe me, if I can survive what I have in the past, nothing more can be done to me that will kill me.
 As long as the pain/anxiety and depression is under control, I am going to live my life. When I have incidents now I know my partner will be there for me and I for him. While we did have a few weeks of a disaster looming over our lives, things have turned around big time. I guess it does take a tragic thing like losing a family member to realize what and who is important in your life.
I will be OK!!
"Love and Laughter and Happiness Ever After"

Offline sammolloy

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #21 on: June 02, 2010, 08:55:41 PM »
  Glad you feel better about living. I love BT65's report of that stuff causing the opposite effect of what they claim. I've heard likewise Diet drinks mess up your sugars and make you fat.
  I've considered putting HIV as a hobby on job applications. Seems like we're always dealing with something. But people mess with old cars for the challenge so I say, get with it. I finally figured out I needed chiropractic, after I figured out the clinic's home hospital couldn't help me at all. These discussions really help us all, as we compare notes. Thanks for your help.
Never Give Up

Offline RevMC

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Re: I want this life to be over
« Reply #22 on: July 02, 2010, 01:51:42 PM »
I'm glad you are doing better.  A lot of us feel that way at times about wanting this all to end.  You have so many great things in store for you as well as some wonderful friends. 

After dealing with HIV for 22 years, just finding out I'm dealing with hereditary heart issues and still taking care of my husband, life does go on and can be great.

You have a lot of support here and never forget that.  You are truly loved and blessed.
Part of my story: "Sale Of A Lifetime" POZ December 2003

Started on Truvada and Viramune on 2/15/07

Jan 8, 2007   t-cells 215  Viral Load 10,000  24%
March 26'th  T-cells 306   Viral Load  UNDETECTABLE
June 2007 t-cells 375 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE
August 2007 t-cells 290 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE

Love and Light and Reiki sent your way,
Rev. Michae


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