What are my chances for a successful life?

[smartbrotha]

I tested positive on January 4 of this year.  I had no idea I was positive.  I took the test just because I hadn't taken one in a couple of years.  I believed that the results would be negative.  I have been in a long term relationship for five years that was supposed to be monogamous. I was 100% monogamous; my partner was not.  I feel betrayed and hurt.  I feel like my life is over. I am 37 years old.   I am a PhD student and an educator.  I am questioining if I can even continue my career. 

On top of the shock of my diagnosis, I have had to deal with the pain of being betrayed and lied to by the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with.  I have ended the relationship with him, but we are still in communication. I am so torn about what to do.  My head tells me to leave his life forever, but I still love him.  He is so emotionally damaged and broken.  I will always wonder how he is doing and if he is taking care of himself.  I don't know what is more painful, the HIV diagnosis or the ending of my relationship.   Right now, I feel like I need to concentrate on my health and not worry about him.  Our relationship goes back 13 years, but we broke up about 6 years ago because he got married without telling me (to a woman.)  The marriage failed (no big surprise) and we got back together about 5 years ago.  Throughout the relationship, pre and post marriage, he has lied over and over again.  I see so much good in him but I am over it.  Part of me feels like I will never find anyone else who would love me now that I am infected. I feel like damaged goods.

What are the chances I can have a long, successful career/life with this burden?

[Luke]

You have two separate issues to deal with: betrayal and HIV. Try not to view them as one big problem.

Both are problems that any number of people have successfully faced up to and overcome with a positive attitude. Both are problems which people have allowed themselves to be consumed by.

You are clearly an intelligent person; so although what you are going through is horrible, your future is dictated by how you chose to move on and what you make of it.

In terms of pure survivability, your statistical likelihood of having a good prognosis with HIV probably couldn't get much better; so try to focus your attention on finding the determination to work through the emotional issues of betrayal and how you move on from them (without expending your energy on hatred, worrying about him, or what could have been).

[GSOgymrat]

You can definitely have a successful life with HIV. Treatments are much better now than they have ever been. Educate yourself about HIV treatment, work with your doctor and chances are you will be able to do whatever you want.

I'm sorry that your relationship is in crisis but I would focus on taking care of yourself first and processing your feelings regarding the HIV. It really has not been very long since you were diagnosed.

Ford

[BrotherDavid]

Hello,

After the shock of finding out about myself having HIV. I too thought the worst. I think we all do. Please keep in mind that as time goes on, you will begin to feel better. It just takes time.

As far as you're relationship, due to the recent diagnosis you are dealing with a lot of stress. It may be a good idea as the above poster mentioned to separate the two and concentrate on yourself right now.

I am not sure of you VL or CD4 of if you need to start meds, but take some time mentally and physically to think about yourself at this low point in you're life. Trust me everything will fall into place and you will feel better.

Good Luck,

David

[northernguy]

As others have said, after time you'll adjust.  It becomes the new normal.  It may not be the life you would have had without HIV, but it can still be a successful life,

[tednlou2]

You tested positive on Jan 4th.  On Jan 4th, I turned 34.  I tried very hard that day to be thankful I was still healthy one year after diagnosis and wishing for many more healthy birthdays.  I'm new to this as well, but I can tell you I've come a long way in just over a year.  I've had depression and anxiety, but it has gotten a lot better.  If my numbers start to drop or I get sick with something, I'm sure I'll get all depressed again.  For now, I'm trying to just live each day and try to stop myself from thinking bad thoughts when I notice I'm having them. 

As for the bf, he obviously has sexual identity issues.  Was he struggling with that to the extreme where you could possibly understand leaving and getting married to a woman?  Does he come from a religous family where being gay was totally unacceptable?  If not, I just can't understand him doing that.

Did you both get tested before getting together, so you know he definitely was cheating and got infected and brought it home to you?  Regardless, I think what the others said is good advice.  You need to focus on yourself now.  You need someone in your life who is stable and a good support system.  I don't know him, but he seems like there's a lot of drama with him??  If you know he is unfaithful, you would always have to worry about him bringing some other STD home--not to mention the feelings of betrayal. 

I'm wishing ya the best in health and love and let us know how you're doing. 

[next2u]

damn man,

after reading your post i just had to comment. bad relationships suck. hehehe, and we won't go there but instead lets chat about you. the others who have posted before me have given you some excellent advice. focus on you for now.

yeah, you can have a career. yeah, a lot of other people will want you, trust me. but take care of your head and heart for now. if you feel the need to continue to speak with your ex do so when it is not a primary (fuck it, secondary or tertiary) concern of yours. what matters now is how you intend on dealing with this.

most of us are damaged goods, regardless of our serostatus. you may need some time off to adjust. surround yourself with family and friends and people who encourage you to be your best. the ones that will support you through this. and try not to immerse yourself in the world of hiv, keep you life as normal as possible until the shock wears off.

sorry this happened to you. take care of yourself and finish that phD. you've worked  hard to get where you are and you have so much left to do.

best,
d

[darkerpozz]

Hey smartbrotha,
Sorry to hear about your news and I am sure it will take a while to adjust, but realize you already have a successful life and there is no reason to think things will change especially any time soon. My advice (opinion) will probably not be favorable, but I would keep your ex in your life just mark boundaries. You may need each other and you have history just may try to find out why he felt he needed to lie that could be important in the future...Take it easy on yourself and you'll do fine.
Mark

[Cliff]

I am a PhD student and an educator.  I am questioining if I can even continue my career.

Yes, you can and should continue with your career!  You may need to make some adjustments to your life (routine doctor visits, managing side effects, etc.), but these adjustments can be minimal for many (newer infections). 

Most of all, I wouldn't make any quick decisions at this stage (career or whether you keep in continue with your ex).  Allow yourself plenty of time to deal with the diagnosis and the ending of your relationship.

Glad you found this place.  Hopefully it will provide you with some comfort and much needed answers during this stressful time.

[mecch]

With proper medical care, your health should be OK and your career fine! Getting on with life and being HIV+ is something to just starting doing as you were before.

Also time to cut your commitment to this lying ex BF.  you might be able to eek out a friendship, eventually, but for the moment, I would suggest you keep your distance.  You need to figure out why you would put up with the lies so long.  To the point your very health and life took a big blow!  Wake up call, though it can be a mystery why we let ourselves get into such relationships.  Maybe therapy???

[wow1969]

Man I haven't been poz long enough to answer one of your questions and I'm not comfortable telling you whether to stay or go ... not my decision but I will ask you a few questions and then make a suggestion ..

1. Why are you with this guy? Sorry, but love just doesn't cut it. I have loved guys before and when they started to become unhealthy or the relationship went south I ended it.

2. Do you really think you can have a HEALTHY relationship with him?

SUGGESTION: Go see a therapist. You need to talk to a professional. Somewhere down the line you didn't listen or didn't know to listen to the alarms regarding your partner. You have obviously stayed in a destructive and unhealthy relationship. You need to figure out why.

As for the career part .... I hope we can have careers. Like you I've invested a lot in myself and my career and fully intend to continue.

Best of luck

[smartbrotha]

Thanks to everyone who responded to my post.  I really appreciate the encouragement and excellent advice.  It has been very difficult, as I am sure most of you can relate, to adjust to this new reality.   I remember watching news stories and talk shows featuring people infected with HIV and I never thought that I would be in this situation.  Your words of wisdom are just what I need.

I suspect I seroconverted in October 2009.  I was very sick with flu like symptoms and a severely sore throat.  I went to the doctor twice and had negative flu and strep tests both times.  After testing positive, I immediately found a doctor.  As of January of this year, my CD4 was 487 and VL 78,000.  My doctor said he also believes I am newly infected after he analyzed my lab work.  He has prescribed Atripla.  I have actually had the medicine for two weeks, but I am terrified to take them.  I know that I must take them to live, but the thought of fat accumulation, and other side effects, worries me. I will, however, start the Atripla within the next couple of weeks.

I have decided to limit my interaction with my ex.  Someone asked why was I with him. I have given that question much thought.   I think he has been the only person I have ever known that I could be myself with.  I don't have to hide any of myself from him.  He accepts me flaws and all.  We have had thirteen years of history. I look back on much of that history very fondly. He is a preacher's kid and has had to deal with the guilt of being raised to believe homosexuality is a sin.   This issue haunted our relationship for years.

After my ex was married, I met a guy who, upon learning my ex’s name, said he had a sexual relationship with him for years. I confronted my ex who admitted to various sexual encounters off and on throughout our relationship.  After the marriage ended, he wanted to reconcile. I agreed with the condition that we would seek therapy together and he would get individual therapy.  To make a long story short, the therapy was ineffective (I don't think the therapist was comfortable with gay relationships even though she said she was), yet we continued the relationship.  We used condoms for the first three years after our reconciliation.  As time went on, I started to trust him more and stupidly decided to discontinue condom use.  I understood that he had a history of infidelity, but I believed he cared enough to at least use a condom if he cheated.   

I am not a stupid, naive guy who fell for a bunch of lies.  I knew he had an issue with sex and had a history lying, but I thought he had changed. He promised me, convincingly, over and over that he would never go back to his old ways.  I know my story is no different than thousands of other people who find themselves infected with HIV from their significant other. 

Sorry this is so long. I guess I needed to vent.  Again, thanks for all the encouragement.

[next2u]

wow, man. you are so not alone. this is not my thread to trumpet my story but you can check through the off topic forums or look at my last threads to see the emotional roller coaster i just got off of. it sucks..but life eventually goes on. and thats why you have to continue down some path or another. i just advise that you steer the ship.

with the meds...your numbers are okay. for some of us your numbers are plenty good. you don't have to start meds right away. if you are newly diagnosed or newly infected your numbers will have a bit more volatility than someone who's been infected over a year.

ive been infected almost 2 years and i have not started meds yet. my numbers now are closer to yours. i will post updated numbers in my signature line but i think my cd4s are like 408 and my viral load is 47000. talk to your doctor about it. i dont have to start meds and for most of us the decision is influenced by a number of factors.

im not ready to make the commitment yet. you may be. my energy levels are lower than normal but i would like to attribute that to the time change and the breakup. i will wait until my next draw to determine whether or not i start my meds. my personal criteria is at least 2 consecutive labs with cd4s under 500. after speaking with my dr and researching it this makes sense to me.

while some people wait until cd4 counts of 200, 250 or 350 based on my research it is less difficult for the immune system to reconstitute itself if meds are started while the cd4 count is above 500. under 500 cd4s typically make the job more difficult.

the thought of taking meds for the rest of my life is a bit daunting. but the thought of having a fully functional rest of my life is worth it.

hope this helps.

best,
d

[Cliff]

I suspect I seroconverted in October 2009.  I was very sick with flu like symptoms and a severely sore throat.  I went to the doctor twice and had negative flu and strep tests both times.  After testing positive, I immediately found a doctor.  As of January of this year, my CD4 was 487 and VL 78,000.  My doctor said he also believes I am newly infected after he analyzed my lab work.  He has prescribed Atripla.  I have actually had the medicine for two weeks, but I am terrified to take them.  I know that I must take them to live, but the thought of fat accumulation, and other side effects, worries me. I will, however, start the Atripla within the next couple of weeks.

You should speak to your doctor about your fears and whether or not starting now is the right time for you.  If in fact your infection is recent, there may be the possibility that your CD4 count will stabilize over the coming months, to a level that doesn't warrant starting treatment.  Also, you can discuss with him your fears over the side effects.  I think you'll find that the risk of fat accumulation with Atripla is minimal. 

The main side effect is drowsiness/drunkenness feeling you get the Sustiva component of the drug.  It usually gets better after two weeks.  Taking the drug at night and on an empty stomach helps.  There are plenty of treatment options out there, so if Atripla works for you then great!  However, don't be afraid to speak to your doctor if you're having issues with Atripla or any other combination you may take in the future...you're not tied to one combo!

Re: the ex.  No need in justifying your decision to stay or speak to him (or not, as the case seems to be).  It's a personal decision and as you say, the events that led up to your diagnosis are all too common.  You're not naive nor stupid.  Just human.  I hope that overtime you can come to put the past behind you and forgive him and forgive yourself for what happened.  You guys have 13 years of history.  Your relationship (friend or partner) won't go away overnight!  And maybe it shouldn't.

Good luck when you start Atripla and let us know how you get on.

[Moffie65]

Take your pills, and experience the new life.   

[moratorium79]

I realize I'm an outsider, so I leave my comment with all due respect.

I understand what it's like to have a seemingly inseparable history with someone, even if that person has turned into the antithesist of what they once were/what you once fell in love with.  However, feeling love for someone should not open you up to being blatantly emotionally abused. 

I've realized over time that love should not be a punishing trial to see how far we can get through before we implode, but rather it should be something that is cared for and nurtured, embodied with trust.  When someone is dishonest and/or uncommunicitive, that directly impacts the trust level in the relationship.  Without trust, there can hardly be love.  I understand how you care for this person, however, as 13 years is no small amount of time.  But from what I've read, it sounds as if that time has been more tumultuous than grand.

I agree with the majority of posters here that your number one priority should be your self and your health.  Be candid with your Dr because this is your life and you need to find a suitable way to live it.  I agree also with perhaps seeking a therapist to talk with, as this seems more than what one can process alone. 

Though you feel strongly about this person, it may be prudent to back burner your relationship for a time, until you get this new HIV laden world in control.  It sounds as if you may be clinging to something that fled long ago out of fear of it fleeing, when the reality is that it may already have done so. 

Try to keep in mind that true care or "love" should not inculde things like inadvertently infecting your partner with HIV due to the many lies you have told him, getting married behind the person you "love"'s back, or setting along a path of emotional abuse, which basically is the path that dishonesty sets out for us.

Again, I apologize if I'm overstepping.  I don't know what you're going through or where you've been, just what I've read.  Completely encourage you posting more here, because it truly will be a help to have a place to vent.

[Angel-Ronnie]

sorry to hear about your status, have your ex also been tested for hiv infection? maybe you should talk to him about this. it may be that he knew about it and didn't trust you enough to share this vital information with. just a thought.

Again sorry to hear about your diagnosis and that you have to deal with this alone.

[smartbrotha]

sorry to hear about your status, have your ex also been tested for hiv infection? maybe you should talk to him about this. it may be that he knew about it and didn't trust you enough to share this vital information with. just a thought.

Again sorry to hear about your diagnosis and that you have to deal with this alone.

Angel-Ronnie,

Over the years, my ex and I have both tested negative.  My last test was two years ago.  I have not had sex with anyone else for over five years (since we reconciled), and even then it was protected.  The only way I could have possibly become infected was through sex with my ex partner.  Once I received my test results, I called and confronted him.  He admitted to having unprotected sex two years ago with a guy he meet in the mall.  He said they had sex three times.  Prior to this conversation, he lied and said he had not had sex with anyone else since our reconciliation five years ago.  He has since been tested and is positive. 

Side Note: Minutes ago, after weeks of debating, I took Atripla for the first time.  I pray the side effects are minimal.

[jkinatl2]

Atripla seems to be an amazing drug with few. if any side effects. For those with depression and other mental health issues, it can be problematic. But other than that, the unwanted (side) effects are a fraction of earlier/other drug combinations. For many, many people, Atripla is as close to a non-issue as HIV medication is likely to get.

[Boo Radley]

...
What are the chances I can have a long, successful career/life with this burden?

Your biggest burden is your ex.  Get over him and get on with your life.  It can be long and successful and you are better off alone than with someone you cannot trust.  You're not damaged goods unless you let yourself be damaged.  Don't make compromises except ones you know respect all parties involved. 

I've been a doormat all my life and even now allow people to take financial or other material advantage (once) but not emotional/psychological advantage.  I will not expose myself or anyone else to another STD, especially HIV.  No one is worth those compromises.

I don't mean to sound harsh but your story reflects mine in some ways and it took me more than 13 years to stop that form of masochism.  Good luck. 

[redbull]

I also found out I was poz (last may) while in a "monogamous" relationship.  It rips you to the core....I know.
It sounds like this guy though has gone above and beyond just infidelity every now and then, its almost a lifestyle for him. 

Only you know whats in his heart and between the two of you, but even not factoring in the new diagnosis I would have to question his love for you especially after rededicating himself to the relationship. If he isn't happy sexually for some reason you guys need to work it out.  Some people have open relationships but it sounds like you are alot like me and would not go for that.

I know how it breaks your heart though to be away from him.  I also went thru these feelings and am still with the same man.  He treats me good though I have to say and as far as I know is being monogamous but do we ever really know?  Look at Tiger woods, and Sandra Bullocks husband now....so many people cheat.

I try not to worry about it now and I even tell him sometimes that he has to answer for what he does even if I never find out.  I try to uphold my promises and commitments and thats all I can do,  I can't control him.  If this man continuously breaks his commitments to you though I would have trouble believing the words coming out of his mouth. 

Now that you have HIV if he is still "secretly" sleeping around he could bring back something and give it to you that could ultimately be life threatening.   If your like me you are probably thinking that anyone could do that, and your right. 

Search your heart and soul and try to make the best decision you can. 

As far as having HIV I know how you feel.  After my bf and I broke up I had decided to spend the rest of my life alone.  I live in a very suburban area and not to much to choose from around here.  We got back together but because I really love him. 

Having HIV does not discount you from having a wonderful, fulfilling, romantic, sexual life with someone.   I have a best friend that has never had so many dates as he's had now that he found out he is poz. 

It is a struggle, and etc to deal with ourselves and internally but keep your chin up.  Your not alone my friend, there are thousands of us out here that would LOVE to meet a man like yourself.

Believe me after reading how you describe yourself and etc if I wasn't involved I would be begging you for your #, haha.  I am sure I am not the only one.

You have a wonderful life ahead of you,  with or without your partner.  HIV is only a part of you, it doesn't change the beautiful and wonderful person that you are.

[Sweet_C]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this all at once.  I've only been poz for a year and a half, but I can definitely say that the disease has not kept me from achieving any of the goals I had set for myself.  It's shocking how normal my life is at times outside of the emotional issues that go along with the diagnosis.

I've been in bad relationships too, and I think the pain of being stuck in a bad relationship is much worse than HIV.  Even without HIV, many people are afraid to leave bad relationships because of the fear of not being able to find someone else.  Dating with HIV can be a challenge but I know many people who have found great relationships even with the disease.  You have to feel good with whatever decision you make with this relationship, but the fact you have HIV shouldn't be the reason you stay with him.

[alliance]

I think Redbull describes a situation that a lot of us infected by a loved one find ourselves in.

How is the Atripla working for you, smartbrotha?

Well, I hope.

[smartbrotha]

How is the Atripla working for you, smartbrotha?

The Atripla hasn't been so bad at all. I've been taking it a little over a week now.  I feel a little weird about an hour after taking it, but I usually go straight to bed.  I have had a couple of interesting dreams, but they were not any more vivid than normal.  I take it between 10:30 and 11:00 at night and I wake up at about 6:30 am.  When I wake up,  I feel normal.  I don't even feel any dizziness when I get up during the night to use the bathroom.  I do find that I wake up between 4:30 am and 5:00 am and have a little trouble going back to sleep.  But mostly, I have no complaints.  I hope my experience so far means I will tolerate Atripla well in the long term.  Hopefully, my numbers will indicate that Atripla is working for me.  Thanks for asking, alliance.