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Author Topic: Expression of My Thoughts  (Read 2877 times)

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Offline CHUCK610

  • Member
  • Posts: 61
Expression of My Thoughts
« on: November 28, 2009, 09:40:39 AM »
Just felt the need to get these thoughts out.

I have been on this site since my diagnoses, I have read alot of good and bad information. Received amazing support, compassion and understanding. The last 6 months have been a rolecoaster of emotions and fears.

Now being on the meds, my numbers are good according to my ID Doc and I feel good though a bit fatigued at times.

I don't know what my future will bring, I don't know if I will get real sick from this disease, I don't know how my days will pan out, I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable having sex with anyone other than my right or left hand. I don't know If I will ever forgive myself, perhaps in time, my wife and therapist say I need too. I don't know if I will ever feel like myself again. I don't know if I will continue therapy (mental).

I do know that I have to be adherent to my meds and what my doctors tell me. I do know I need to ride my harley as often as I can (2600 miles since June 2009). I do know I have the love of my family and friends. I do know I have to take good care of my health and mental state. I do know that I have a good life and am lucky for my accomplishment and what I have. I do know that for what time I may or may not have I have to enjoy and grasp every moment of it and try to make the most of it. And when the time does come I want my body to be laid in a Harley driven hurst and want to be buried with my  Harley (For real my wife and family think I'm nuts, but I saw it at a Harley bike week, it was so cool).

I guess I owe my current thinking to the support of my family, friends and this site, who have helped me through the most difficult time. Do I still get down HELL YEAH. Do I still sometimes feel lonely and sad HELL YEAH. Do I still want to have real sex HELL YEAH. Do I still want to be Hiv Neg  HELL YEAH. But the reality is these things are apart of my life now and I just have to work through them and move on.

Do I still want to be the person I used to be  HELL NO.  That person was lost in life, that person was very negative and angry. That person never appreciated life.

Thanks again for all your support and for reading my thoughts


Diagnosed 5/01/09
cd4 289 vl 20k 20.5%
6/03/09 started med Reyataz, Norvir, Truvada
7/6/09 cd4 463, vl 1,400. 22%
7/22/09 cd4 472 vl 260, 29%
9/1/09 cd4 462 vl 218, 30.8%
10/22/09 cd4 462 vl undetectable (yahoo) 30.6 %
01/21/2010 cd4 537 undetectable  35.8%

Offline mikee

  • Member
  • Posts: 26
Re: Expression of My Thoughts
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2009, 10:05:02 AM »
hi there chuck

it has been a week for me. fresh and new on this situation.
i feel the same. and still feeling it each day that i wake up.i just dont know until when.

just keep the faith.
i remembered way back in college. a friend of mine suddenly told me this out of thin air...
"dont askwhy" as she left our room smiling.

Take great care chuck.

always hopeful

2008  - EIA nonreactive
01/09 - Probable infection
01/09 - HIV 1/2 Quali Serodia PA - nonreactive
04/09 - Seroconertion (rash,fever, tonsillitis)
05/09 - Recurrence of rash and fever
07/09 - Diarrhea Started
09/09 - Severe Seborrheic Dermatitis
10/09 - Reactive Fujerebio Serodia Particle Agglutination
11/21 - EIA - Reactive
           Fujerebio Serodia PA - Reactive
           WB - Positive (gp160, gp120, p66, gp41,
           p24, p17 bands were formed)
12/15 - cd4 = 66; vl = pending

Offline Ann

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  • Member
  • Posts: 28,138
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Expression of My Thoughts
« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2009, 11:09:54 AM »
Hey Chuck, yes, you do need to forgive yourself. Please continue with the therapist so you can achieve that aim. You might not ever feel like your old self again, but from what you've written, maybe that's a good thing. Embrace the new you and all the good that's unexpectedly come out of a bad situation.

None of us, poz or neg, have any way of knowing what the future will bring. Anyone can suddenly become life-threateningly ill. Anyone can have down days. We all face uncertainty, poz or neg.

And there's no reason why you can't have a sex life. Between the use of condoms and your VL being undetectable, you're just not going to infect anyone. Do your best to get back into the game. It's healthy to have a sex life - it's good for your mind, body and soul. Get shagging, young man, and that's an order. :D

Hang in there. You've come a long way and there's better yet to come. You'll see.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Online skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,863
Re: Expression of My Thoughts
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2009, 03:28:47 PM »

  Hey Chuck,

    Acceptance of this virus and forgiveness of self, in my opinion, go hand in hand and as you are slowly finding out it takes time.  Buzzing around on that Harley sounds like some really good anti-depression medicine and  the strength and determination to get out of the house and ride around on your sled is a great sign I think...

   Hang in there Chuck and keep fighting the good fight.  There is so much more life to live.. :)
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.


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