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Author Topic: Fame ... I'm gonna live forever  (Read 2248 times)

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Offline wow1969

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Fame ... I'm gonna live forever
« on: October 10, 2009, 08:29:30 PM »
This is the continuation of my previous thread titled "Dead man walking" ... While the name of that thread fit it really doesn't fit the new direction hence the name change.

Before I get ready to write, let me apologize in advance for the amount of information about to be dumped on this thread by myself ... The last six weeks has opened up alot of windows and there is alot of light shining through.

Everyone's mind works differently so I'm going to explain alittle about how mine works since it's relevant to the final outcome. So to get to today, I'm going to have to provide some background information.

Growing up wasn't an easy experience for me. I know it's hard for everyone, but some of us seem to get additional obstacles. Turns out my biggest obstacle is my family, in particular my mother. I'm not going to go into lots of detail about all the crap that woman did so let me just say that she took manipulation, psychological abuse and emotional abuse to a whole new level. However, there is one instance that repeatedly plays over in my mind.

I've noticed that when my life is calm, when my mind is still, that is when issues rise to the surface to be addressed. In my original post I was wondering why was I dealing with HIV related stresses and issues now, when I thought peace had been made? About six weeks ago, my life got calm. I think I have a natural tendency to suppress things until my life is in a position to deal with them. Guess my subconscious has decided it's time to deal.

Ok, back to the story. I don't know what went through my mothers mind. I don't know how she thought. She was such a twist of fears and contradictions and emotions that figuring her out was difficult. (heck, that just set off another realization LOL) If I wanted to do someting, sing, play baseball, art, it was always "no". Nothing was encouraged. She was a very soul shattering person. In my mid teens we got into an argument. Finally, she demanded "Who do you think you are to tell me these things?" or a variation of this question. I didn't have an answer of my own. I knew what the answer was supposed to be. I knew if I said anything other than that it would get worse.

The only answer was "I'm nobody" ... of course she agreed, she won the argument. I was nobody. This situation had occurred many times before, but this is the only specific instance that sticks out. It sticks because something died in me that day. I remember breaking down in tears as those words came out of my mouth.

As I said, when things are calm in my mind, issues that need to be addressed rise. In the last six weeks, this conversation startled rattling around in my head. There is a reason.

In the last six weeks the whole impact of HIV in my life has risen, again, to be addressed. I have been having those "what is the reason to continue" ... "my life is over" .... "my life is meaningless" ... "there is no future" ... type of thoughts. I know why they are arising at this time. I have the energy to deal with them now.

But where are they coming from? It's a combination of past events, future possiblities and current mindsets that has triggered this episode of "let's exmine your life".

By allowing myself to let the issues rise; by paying attention to what was in my head; with some of the comments posted here; and, strangely, a movie ... I have been able to sort out alot of what is going on. The final key to sorting it out has been writing it down here. When we let things stay in our heads they get bigger and bigger until the issue is too large to wrap our minds around. When we write things down, they become smaller, more concrete and more easily digestable. This is why I think I posted on here. I was just trying to sort things out.

Today, I went to the movies and saw "Fame". The reviews were bad but I loved it. I loved that movie because I could relate to so much. There is a scene that crystalized much of what was going on in my head. When the students are graduating one of the characters addresses the attendees. I'm going to paraphrase what she said.

She said - We are successes when we allow ourselves to grow, when we encourage our lives, our creativities, develop out energies. We are successes when we wake up in the morning excited to be alive, excited about the work we do, love the people we work with. We are alive under these circumstances. 

That speech set off a chain reaction in my head. I understood why the "nobody" conversation was rattling around. Why I have been in such dispair.

What is the point of going on when none of my dreams took wing and flew? What is the point in fighting? I am nobody.

When your dreams have been killed by someone repeatedly you are hollow inside. Because it's our dreams and our hopes that provide the fire that sustains us. When I found out I was HIV positive my last hope disappeared. My hope that I had enough time left to find those dreams again. To go from nobody to somebody. 

You see, with my mother, love was always conditional. Growing up there was no unconditional love. There was no other family. My father wasn't around. My stepfather is actually worse than my mother. They kept our family very isolated. The way I understood it was ... If I wasn't the perfect son. The perfect child. If I wasn't exactly what they wanted. Then the few people who loved me, would leave me.

It turned out to be a true understanding. When I told them I was gay ... bye bye family.

By most people's standards I'm a success. Three college degrees. A good paying job. A loving partner. A beautiful son. My father and I made contact again in my earlly 20's and we have a great relationship. I do have a family. But the effects of being raised by my mother still linger and find new ways to affect my life.

Currently, I wake up each day and go to a job that does what my mother did ... it drains the life right out of me. I'm not a success. I had always thought there would be time to refocus my life ... but HIV got in first.

This is where the dispair that I've been feeling comes from.

What is it that us pozzies need to keep fighting? A cure? Actually no. We need a purpose. We need to believe we are someone. We need to light a fire inside us. We need a reason to get out of bed in the morning. We need to believe we are someone and let's face it,  society really does dehumanize those with HIV. Society has now taken over the job my mother started.

Identifying and understanding is only part of the solution to my current situation. The rest of the solution is determining what to do. I haven't had a "dream" in so long that I'm going to have to figure it out.

Thank you anyone who actually finishes reading this. I was diagnosed about 18 months ago and converted about six months before that. This is the third meltdown I've had since HIV moved into my body. I suspect that in six months or so I'll have another one LOL ... 

Also, thank you to those who read and posted on my previous thread. Your comments helped me come to this understanding. Finally (does this sound like an Oscar's Acceptance Speech?) I'm thanking "Fame" cause baby  ... I"m gonna life forever.

Offline wow1969

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Re: Fame ... I'm gonna live forever
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2009, 01:12:46 PM »
i was thinking about what i wrote and realized that HIV isn't just an attack on our bodies but our hearts, minds and souls ... things in my past, such as what i wrote above, that were long closed and dealt with now have a new way to take on meaning ... manof y the pains and doubts of my past are now having to be re-analyzed in a new context ... i guess, no matter what the issue, a person can't escape themselves ...

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Fame ... I'm gonna live forever
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2009, 07:39:11 AM »

  Thanks for sharing some personal thoughts there.  I often think back and wonder if things had been done differently during certain periods of my life just how much different I could possibly be.  Example, my mother took tetracycline during my developmental stages in the womb.  Doctors said this was the reason all my first set of teeth came in rotten.  Boy it sure would have made a difference in my childhood if she hadn't taken them pill just the same as it would have been much different if she had not married my stepfather.

  But all these things are in the past.  I can't change the bad stuff, what's done is done.  I understand that something as bad as having a HIV/AIDS diagnosis can cause one to reflect, but in reality life is still as simple or as complicated as one chooses to make it.

  On my good days I take them for what they are worth and on the bad days I just deal with em. 

  Hope all is well with you my friend.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline wow1969

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Re: Fame ... I'm gonna live forever
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2009, 04:18:07 PM »
thank you for taking the time to reply and post ... have a wonderful day :-)

Offline confidentIwillbeOK

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Re: Fame ... I'm gonna live forever
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2009, 06:15:32 PM »
I have read and re-read you post and would have responded yesterday but didn't really know what to say other than "hang in there...you will be OK".  I am newly diagnosed and do not have a tremendous amount of wisdom to offer.  I also don't think I have been experiencing the same emotions as you have.  But I did pick up on a few things in your post....

By most people's standards I'm a success. Three college degrees. A good paying job. A loving partner. A beautiful son.

You have a lot of things that many many people would kill for!  It sounds like you are extremely educated, have a good job (albeit one that you may not have a passion for), and have a partner and beautiful son.  All awesome things.  Later in the post you say "I'm not a success. I had always thought there would be time to refocus my life ... but HIV got in first".  Huh?  Why aren't you a success? Sound like you are to me! Why isn't there time to refocus your career or life?  Of course there is time....and HIV should not get in the way.

It was painful to read the "bye-bye" family part and I am so fortunate not to have had to deal with that but I have many friends that have and I know how painful it is.  Hopefully your partner and current circle of friends can help you fill that void.  I am sure some of them can and do provide you the unconditional love and support that we all need and crave for especially when battling physical or mental issues related to medical conditions.  

I agree with what you say about needing a passion and purpose.  It used to be my job/career but to me that now just pays the bills.  My passion and purpose is a hobby or two of mine and being supportive of my partner who just started med school.  One of my hobbies allows me to be "one of the best in the world" and is something I have greatly enjoyed over the past few years.  No reason for me to stop now and this hobby will continue to bring me happiness and a small sense of "purpose".  Another small small thing that has helped me in just the last month is starting to play basketball in a league.  Hadn't played in years but I can't tell you how awesome I have felt hitting shots and playing well....it made me feel 10 years younger (I am 40).  Anyway....do you have any hobbies or sports that you can get back into?

I am not sure but it also doesn't sound from your post that you have a lot of people to talk to?  Do you have a few people (or even 1) that you can talk to about your feelings? If you don't I can definitely understand why you have "meltdowns" every 6 months.  The more I talked to friends, my partner, and HIV knowledgeable people in the last 10 weeks or so the better I felt.  I felt horrible in the first few days or week and that was when I spoke with no one.....

Anyway, it does sound like you have a real lot going well for you so I hope you realize that before your March 2010 meltdown.   :)   I wish I could offer more thoughts & suggestions but I really do think you have a lot of positives you can focus on.  

All my best,


« Last Edit: October 12, 2009, 06:17:53 PM by confidentIwillbeOK »

Offline wow1969

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Re: Fame ... I'm gonna live forever
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2009, 10:12:49 PM »
First thank you for reading this .. it's a LONG read LOL ... Second, thank you for the comments

No, I don't consider myself a success ... By the definition I hold of being a success I'm not one. It's to spend your life doing what you have a passion for. Or at the least, doing something you enjoy and working with people you like and can relate to. I work for a good company, if I was straight. The company policies aren't an issue, but the people I work with are peole I just don't have anything to talk to about. So for the most part, I'm left alone. I do a very good job which is why I have my job. Currently, I'm the top of my field in North America. But the work is just numbing. The environment is numbing. I've spent my life suppressing what I wanted for others. As a kid, never had the chance to figure it out. Now, as an adult, I actually don't know what I really want to do. The truth is, if my life ends tomorrow I would consider this a wasted life. For someone with my abilities and talents, I should be able to do so much more.

I can't go without insurance. Changing jobs/careers or going back to school will be difficult under these circumstances.

Losing family because I'm gay really isn't an issue for me. It's good they are not around. Dealing with their "ghosts" is enough. Thankfully I do have family that I get along well with but I'm not overly close to them.

LOL ... Hobbies and extra curricular activies are extremely difficult. My work requires travel. Joining teams, classes, plays, etc... is not possible because I'm not here. This is another way I"m at conflict with my job.

You are right about not having alot of people to talk to. I have a few friends I have told and my partner. I can not tell my family. And I'm very leary about telling friends since my best friend disappeared after I told him. I suspect his fear of abandonment (very strong fear) got the best of him and he bailed before I could die on him. Easier to be the leaver than the left. I don't talk about it because I don't want to burdon others.

Finally the meltdowns are just the way I process information. This is big info and that part is normal for me. My mind has always waited till i was calm so that issues could be addressed. If there is anything else buried in my psyche related to this issue, it's going to come back when I'm prepared to deal with it.

Offline curseofagenius

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Re: Fame ... I'm gonna live forever
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2009, 11:16:23 PM »
Wow, you are truly a blessed person! I am so sorry to hear of your many misfortunes but it seems like you have alot going for you! You have a loving partner and a son. That alone means alot I would say. Maybe it is a matter of refocusing your mind on what you have going for yourself. Its never to late. Not only that you seem like a very well educated person with a talent for expressing yourself in a rather articulate manner. Stay strong and surround yourself with caring people!

Hope for nothing but the best,

Offline wow1969

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Re: Fame ... I'm gonna live forever
« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2009, 10:31:42 AM »
Thank you ... Yes, I am blessed in many ways ... To be honest it's my son that is going to be what keeps me going and provides me with the motivation to keep fighting ... I think that if he didn't exist, I would just give up ...

You are right about the refocusing ... That is what I've actuallly been doing for the last couple of months ... Challenging thoughts, confronting issues and attempting to understand how I think NOW ... Not going to lie, HIV has changed the way I view everything from my life, my family, my priorities, my relationships, my goals, my environment to bigger issues our planet, our health care, our society .... it's been alot to sift through .... no matter how we slice it, HIV has changed our lives ... we are no longer what we were

Hopefully, we can be better than what we were


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