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Author Topic: feeling suicidal  (Read 5804 times)

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Offline imjustme

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feeling suicidal
« on: September 21, 2009, 08:51:55 PM »
I tested positive May 2008, I was not in denial but i felt my world had come to an end, sometimes i still feel like that.  My soul died the day I found out I was positive, and I feel lost.  The only reason I get up everyday is because of my son...He was with his father the summer of 08 and I tried so many times to kill myself, but I am still here and I believe its for a reason.  Currently I am not receiving treatment although i do have an ID doctor.  With in the last 3 weeks I have started having some skin issues.  I have large red itchy knots that cause that area on my body to swell and ache..some of the knots turn into blisters while others don't.  I have been to my ID doctor who did not believe that the issue was HIV related... I then went to the GYN, to see if it was herpes....nothing there...so I went to the dermatologist, who could not tell me anything at all..  Initially the ID doctor gave me a 10day antibiotic and it seemed to be going away, but now they are all over my face, neck and hands.... i personally believe that this is directly related to my HIV has anyone ever experienced this if so please respond I would like to have something to tell my ID doctor tomorrow..I cannot take another "I honestly don't know what it is" diagnoses I cannot wake up to another day of this I am feeling disgusted and hating myself please advise ??? ??? ???  I am feeling suicidal again with no answers to whatever is going on, and my main concern is AM I CONTAGIOUS???????? I have a child and I would hate for him to get sick..I really wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happened, and I'm already holding on by a thread
« Last Edit: September 21, 2009, 09:16:45 PM by imjustme »

Offline HollyStar

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Re: feeling suicidal
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2009, 10:13:36 PM »
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I highly, highly recommend that you talk to therapist about everything you are feeling, or calling a help hot-line or going to the nearest Emergency Room and get some help.

I really don't know what the skin issue could be. I have skin issues related to HIV but nothing what you describe. Maybe someone else on here can chime in here and be able to shed some insight.

Just remember that your son needs you. You are not going to infect him. And I am so glad that you didn't succeed in your suicide attempts. You are here for a reason and one of them is to be a mother for your child.

As far as your ID doctor appointment, I really hope you find some answers. While you are there, could you possibly get a referral to a therapist? Sometimes we just need someone to talk to, face to face, to listen and help us on our way.

Welcome to the forums, you will find a lot of support and find that you are not alone. And I really hope that you call a hotline or talk to someone ASAP, if not for yourself, then for your son. I hope to see around the forums.
Diagnosed  July 28th 2003

'I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.' -Diande Ackerman

'Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?' -Frank Scully

'If your ship doesn't come, swim out to it.' - Jonathan Winters

Offline Ann

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Re: feeling suicidal
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2009, 07:46:54 AM »
Hi Imjustme, welcome to the forums.

What are your CD4 and viral load counts like? Are you on meds yet? These facts are important.

I've never heard of anything like you describe either. It kinda sounds like boils, but I would have thought any doctor could easily diagnose boils. Has any doctor bothered to swab your skin or take any sort of sample from the sores? Or are they just looking at you and saying "I dunno!"? If they're not being proactive about this and running tests, then maybe it's time you found new doctors.

If you continue to feel suicidal, run, don't walk, to your nearest ER and tell them how you're feeling. Your son needs you!

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

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Offline BT65

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Re: feeling suicidal
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2009, 08:49:51 AM »
Hey I'm,

I agree 100% with Ann about telling someone who can actually help you about feeling suicidal.  You need to be in contact with a good therapist who can help you sort through your feelings.  You are not a worthless person.  You are worthwhile, I'm sure you have many talents, and yes, your son needs you.  Don't be afraid of infecting him-it's not going to happen.  If for no other reason, remember your son. 

I myself have tried to kill myself a few times-and almost succeeded a couple times.  The last time I o.d.'s on some pretty heavy-duty meds.  I remember waking up when they were pumping my stomach, and puking over the side of the bed (not pleasant).  I also remember waking up the next morning with a vent down my throat, and pulling it out because I wanted to talk and couldn't.  That was the last time I ever tried suicide.  It's just not worth it.  There are too many other things to do in life besides constantly trying to off yourself.   

Have you ever been in contact with your local ASO (Aids Service Organization)?  They could point you to a good therapist who's dealt with other HIV+ people.  And, they can tell you about good doctors.  I don't understand how not even a dermatologist would diagnose you.  I say try another doctor.  They need to be proactive in your care, not neglectful.  You're worth having this problem taken care of! 

We're always here when you need us.  I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.  Please, please get help.  You don't want your son having to deal with the thoughts of a dead mommy. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
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Offline imjustme

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Re: feeling suicidal
« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2009, 10:05:14 AM »
Thank u for the encouragement, I truly do appreciate it.  Currently I am not taking any meds but my doctor and I will talk about that today. My CD4 has dropped to 264 and my VL is 10,000...... My concern with the meds is can I afford it, I already live paycheck to paycheck and I have my son in private school, and every activity under the sun.  I refuse to slight him or change the life he is accustomed to living simply because I loved and trusted someone who did not care enough to be truthful with himself or with me for that matter.... He honestly believes that as long as he doesn't know he's sick he wont get sick..picture that  :-\ ..and in his own selfishness he believed that my love for him would see past what he had done to me, NOT!!!  :'(  and I can't simply because he wasn't truthful and he didn't give me a choice.  I am feeling a little better today, just waking my little man up shines a little sunlight in my life.

I have been suicidal since I was about 12, and I have been seeing therapist since about that time, and with all the blows life can throw at you I have not been able to shake this feeling, when I was younger I would take pilils and have to have my stomach pumped, or I would just put myself in situations that I knew could be dangerous and possibly deadly.  But as time went on and I had my son those feelings went away, but with the HIV+ results it was like I was 15 again and those negative feelings were back like they had never left stronger than ever.
« Last Edit: September 22, 2009, 10:07:04 AM by imjustme »

Offline Friends4Life

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Re: feeling suicidal
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2009, 12:00:56 PM »
I'm not trying to come down on you, but you say you don't want to slight your son out of anything.  You are his mother, and if you were to kill yourself, you've just slighted him out of the most important person in his life.    He's going to love you, whether or not he's in activities or not.  Take it from a child that lost a parent to suicide at 3 years old. Please don't do that to him.  Get the help you need.  If you ever need to talk, I'm here. 
   I hope you figure out what the knots are, if you don't give up, they will figure it out. Good Luck and remember, you can't be replaced in your son's life. 

Offline BT65

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Re: feeling suicidal
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2009, 12:03:23 PM »

again, I strongly encourage you to contact your nearest Aids Service Organization.  You may be eligible for some state programs that would cover your meds, if you have no insurance.  You're worth life, as is your son.  Have you ever been on an antidepressant?  I'm wondering because of your long history of suicide attempts/feelings.  I think you still need some therapy, and possible medication to help you combat these ideas of self destruction.  Like I said, we're here.  Unfortunately, we're not doctors, nor are we there in person to answer you straight back, or give you a hug in person.  But, we are here to listen, and offer support. Here's a cyber-hug  {{I'M}}   Please take care of you.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf


Offline Queen Tokelove

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Re: feeling suicidal
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2009, 03:28:05 PM »
Hey there! I know it seems like the end of the world, we all felt that way when we were first diagnosed, got over it but then something else in life made us feel that way again. The others pretty much covered everything but I would stress to you not to give up. Yes, your son needs you but you need him too.

Yes, there are times when you feel defeated by this virus but you can't give in to that. Don't overwhelm yourself, take it one day at a time. Each day anyone wakes up is a blessing, whether poz or not. Though when we are depressed, we never seem to see our blessings though they are there. There are meds out there that can help. I hate to sound cliche but don't let this virus control you. And I think you did the right thing by cutting that guy out of your life.

I will keep you in my prayers and welcome to the Forums...
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

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Offline imjustme

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Re: feeling suicidal
« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2009, 01:19:16 AM »
Thank you ladies, I went to the doctor today and it appears that I have folliculitis (infection of hair follicules), I am  back on the same antibiotic, stronger dose, taken for 14 instead of 10 days.  My ID doctor does not want me to start the HIV meds until the infection clears up, and I spoke to the social worker about seeing a therapist.... and she and I are going to work on finding someone that I feel comfortable talking to being that I have told absolutely no one that I am HIV+.  Thank you all so much for the support I felt like I was getting ready to bust... I have been keeping so much in with no one to talk too I didn't realize that I was drowning in my own secrets...  I'm so happy that I found this site and I had the opportunity to vent... I feel so much better...... sigh...what I could have done, where I could have been... moving right along Im here and I feel encouraged THANK YOU LADIES from the bottom of my heart


Offline mdgjustlikeme

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Re: feeling suicidal
« Reply #9 on: October 04, 2009, 12:04:39 AM »
hello, it is late and i need to get to bed, but i could not until i posted this reply, i to went thru many medical issues, i was told it was not hiv related, or most likely not related to meds i still question not hiv med related or hiv disease, you most have a dr you trust and can talk to, there will be ups and downs, but please hang in there, also when i had skin rash it would go away by the time i could  get into see dr so i took a picture, dr said WOW WHAT A GREAT IDEAL

love theresa


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