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Author Topic: some days I just cant take it all...  (Read 5589 times)

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Offline redbull

  • Member
  • Posts: 73
some days I just cant take it all...
« on: August 25, 2009, 07:15:47 PM »
It seems my whole life I have had to fight and I am getting so tired.  Growing up I was raised in a christian household where someone was burning in hell if they were gay so I kept that a secret until I got older.  Because of that I got married to a woman and have had 3 kids.  That ended in utter disaster as she was a psycho from hell,  literally...and of course I was gay.

finally came out and dealt with all that crap.  I have had a few ltr's with guys and they usually end up abusing me in every way and cheating on me or something.  finally have been with a great guy for the last 5 years.  We are in a ldr.  But we have had so many issues and problems and that stresses me out.

Now on top of all that, things are so bad at work,  my hours have been cut,  my finances are in the toilet, I am depressed about having hiv, feel like no one will ever want me again sexually.  Im having to take care of this house all by myself,  try to pay these bills.  And now I have to pay dr bills and go on meds and all that crap to deal with this disease. 

I have great friends to talk to,  my bf is always willing to listen but hes not here.  I feel alone, defeated and tired.  I got up today and have a spliting headache,  I dont feel like going to work, I work 3rd shift.  but I have to.  I want to sit down and cry sometimes but it just wont come out. 

I dont mean to sound like a pussy or a wimp.  I have always been a fighter.  I have always been the strong one to take care of everyone,  the person everyone comes to for advice and strength.  My kids I have raised into wonderful responsible adults and I know they look to me for guidance.  I am so tired of carrying everyything and everyone.  When is someone going to be there for me?  when do I get a break?  When do I get to to enjoy life for a change?   

Dont mean to bitch and complain, I just need to vent.  I feel like shit today.  I go back to the dam dr on thursday and she will put me on meds....something else to remember to take...

thanks for listening to me rant. 
If you wish to see the best in others, show the best of yourself.

5/20/09  tested poz
6/2/09  CD4-94    VL-380,000
8/09   Allergic reaction to bactrim
9/09/09  started Atripla
5/10    cd4 315  vl undetectable
3/11    cd4 400  undetectable
6/11.   Cd4 520. Undetectable
12/11. Cd4 450. Undetectable
6/12.   Cd4 600. UD
2/13.   Cd4 425. UD

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,785
Re: some days I just cant take it all...
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2009, 08:18:58 PM »
Redbull, people can only carry the world on their shoulders for so long; sooner or later, it can come crashing down.  That's for anyone who tries to do it all, without any help.

Have you ever been in touch with your ASO (Aids Service Organization)?  They have trained people at those places who listen, and try to help any way they can.  Maybe it would also help you to go to a support group, should your ASO have one.  That way, you could vent with people who could actually talk right back to you.  Getting stuff out of the system always helps. 

The crying thing will come, trust me.  Sometimes it just takes breaking down some of our "tough walls," before we let the tears flow.  The med thing will be alright.  They're going to save you from some awful shit.  You don't want to go without them, if that's what your doctor is suggesting. 

Good luck sorting the stuff out.  Vent anytime; that's one of the reasons we're here.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf


Offline Assurbanipal

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,175
  • Taking a forums break, still see PM's
Re: some days I just cant take it all...
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2009, 09:36:09 PM »

In your other thread you were asking about disability -- it doesn't have to be a permanent thing.  Social Security disability is a long term benefit with a long term application process and a 5 monnth waiting period.  But lots of comoanies offer a shorter term benefit with a less complicated application process.  I was on for two months when I was the sickest.  If things are too much right now maybe you could get some temporary relief while you straighten everything else out.

Does your company have a short term disability plan?

5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%
2014 VL UD - 48
2015 VL 130 Moved to Triumeq


  • Member
  • Posts: 281
Re: some days I just cant take it all...
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2009, 07:49:21 AM »
hey redbull,i know exactly how you are feeling,sometimes i feel like i just want to end it all and just die!!!I feel like i being punished by GOD  by keeping me alive this long.I have outlived all my friends who have died from aids and i ask myself ,"why am i the only one left?MY family never wants to discuss my situation.ONE brother has said that i deserved wht i got because of my lifestyle!!!WOULD IT BE BETTER IF I HAD CANCER?WOULD I BE MORE ACCEPTED?I AM SO TIRED ,SO DESPERATELY TIRED

Offline onemoretime

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: some days I just cant take it all...
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2009, 01:32:16 PM »
red,  i totally know how you feel,   i have been poz for 5 years, and fighting drugs on and off for the past 10 years, quit drinking 14 years ago.. have good life and good job and i should be happy.. have great bf.. but he doesn't understand.. i know its hard.  this is a great place to vent
08/04 diag 490 cd4 vl 50,000
10/25/05 436 50,513 hvb 1.1 billion
12/13/05 truvada sustiva
02/16/06 742 und, hpb 63,000
04/27/06 740 und hpb 60,000
01/05/07 458 und hvb und
03/08   470 undetectable still on atripla. Non smoking (chantex)
08/08 cd4 550 undetectable hiv, Hep B UND. Atripla
06/09  cd4 444, vl undetectable testo 130
09/09/09 CD4 687 46% UND  Testo 213 started androgel
10/12/09 cd4 682 46% und testo 597
01/12/10 cd4 842 48% und testo 434
041010 cd4 693  53% testo 492
100410 cd4 568 48% testo 523
012711 cd4 523 hcv 56 testo 596
083011 cd4 280 Hcv/HIV und
042912 cd4 158 hcv /hiv und, was on hep c for 11 months. do have ssdi filed and getting LTD
061912 cd4 151, bactrum, hep c and hiv und
071712 cd4 287 52% HIV HCV und
112012 cd4 520

Offline deibster

  • Member
  • Posts: 159
Re: some days I just cant take it all...
« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2009, 01:07:18 AM »
redbull, I hope you got some help, medication and/or therapy, and are feeling better. I'm new to this site but i've been poz for 16 yrs. I've been on anti-depressants & in therapy since I tested poz. It took a while to find the right meds, but they really help, & yes they have to be changed of adjusted every couple of years. There are mental help clinics that are very inexpensive & they can be high quality.

I am also divorced with children. That can be rough. It took several years, but today I have a great relationship with my sons. I hope that things are improving for you. Hugs, deibster
Poz since Dec 1992. Meds since 1995. Disability since 2005. Constantly fighting the Lipodystrophy 'beer gut.'

Prezista/Norvir, Epzicom, Cytomel, Prevacid, Coumadin, pravastatin, Fenofibrate, Remeron, Zoloft, Concerta, Flomax, Allegra180, Nasacort, Centrum, Flax Oil, Fish Oil

Offline ga1964

  • Member
  • Posts: 188
Re: some days I just cant take it all...
« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2009, 01:44:32 AM »
Hi redbull,

I feel the same as you.  Not only was I brought up in a religious household, but it was in a small town in the Southern Bible Belt.  It seems like the more I try to do to keep up, it's to no avail.  2 steps forward and 3 steps back, if not more.  The economy isn't helping matters either.  I was put on antidepressants.  Whether or not they help, I'm not sure.  I haven't put a gun to my head, but its not like I haven't thought about it.

I hope things get better for you.

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,695
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: some days I just cant take it all...
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2009, 04:23:13 PM »
Redbull,Life has been differcult and still is for you.But you have the strength to gather those thoughts and express them with a clarity that indicates that you have many strengths. I hope the responses you are receiving have helped ease the sense off loneliness that you are currently having .take good care of yourself , I hope your work situation allows you to have a rest and please keep posting and or find somewhere to share your,history,present and hopes for the future.
I have just re read your post and it strikes me as the complete opposite of wimp/pussy.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2009, 04:27:27 PM by Theyer »
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,874
Re: some days I just cant take it all...
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2009, 04:51:09 PM »


    Sorry I  didn't see your post sooner.   I'm having one of those days you are talking about, only difference is I am a "pussy" and called in sick.  Days like today can make you stop caring that's for sure and while we seemingly know that this will pass it is truly hard to get yourself out of a funk when you are going through it.  I think I am in one of those funks right now....  and well they are not pretty.  I think HIV just kind of compounds these funky times that everyone regardless of status goes through, in other words we all have problems but the whole HIV just adds to it.   In my opinion if we feel bad mentally we feel extra bad physically due to the whole HIV crap....  I have no medical studies to support this of course, but I'm an ignoramous and I don't read  or need them anyways to support my theories.

  So tonight, my friend, I will only worry about tonight.  Yes I might be fired tomorrow, but that's tomorrow and I'll deal with it then...

  I know none of this probably helped Red, just wanted you to know you are not alone.

I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline OneTampa

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  • Posts: 2,788
  • "Butterflies are free."
Re: some days I just cant take it all...
« Reply #9 on: October 24, 2009, 10:53:50 AM »

I've been away from the Boards here for bit but have popped back now and then and posted a few


I read your post earlier and the responses.  I can not tell you how it and some of the responses

resonate with me as they mirror certain aspects of my own situation. I can offer no additional

advice apart from what others have said but just know that your post helped me tremendously as you

listed your personal concerns and struggles.  Despite your current situation, it is clear that you have the

power and strength to carry you through. I suspect that such gifts bestowed upon you will not

suddenly evaporate as they are part of your DNA. You must simply re-purpose those gifts to serve your

needs as they arise.

Do take care of yourself.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2009, 10:56:27 AM by OneTampa »
"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline pos2007

  • Member
  • Posts: 116
Re: some days I just cant take it all...
« Reply #10 on: October 24, 2009, 10:48:34 PM »
redbull,  your   screen  name  gives a little  insight.   you  wouldn't  call  yourself  bull  if  you  didn't  have  a little  fight.  ;)  I  know   what  is  it  like  to  want  to  give up,  be  depressed etc.   In  the  past 2  years   both  my wife  and  I were diagnosed   with  full  blown  aids.  3  family  members  have  died,  my  wife  has  been  in  the  hospital twice,  I  have  had  5  surgeries,  cancer,  been  denied  disability twice and i  have only  worked 2  weeks  since Nov.  2008.  Several  times  I  have felt  like  I   don't  want  to  go  through  this  sht  any  more,  but  on   the  other  hand  I  manage to pull  my self  out  of  the  hole   and  go  on. I  have always  refused  to  let  anything  beat me and  some times  it  takes  me  a while  to  get  over  the depression,  but I  always  come  back  with  the realization that  I  am  not  going  to let  this  crap  beat  me  either.  You  can't  let  those  little  buggers  in your blood  win.  You  can't  let  the  biggoted  people  in  this  world  win.  You  cannot let  the  bill collectors  win. So   what  that  you  are gay  man  with  HIV? That does  not  make  you a bad  person.  i  know   people  that  are almost  religious  fanatics but  have  no  compassion   for  their  fellow  human  beings.   does  the  fact  that  they  march in front  of an abortion  clinic   make  them  better  than  you?  NO.   Pull  up  your  socks and  show  the  world  that  you  are as  tough  and as decent as anyone  out  there. If  I  can  do  ,  anyone  can.  I  find that  when  I  can  help someone  else  it helps  me feel  better.  Even  though  I  can  no-longer physically,  or  financially  help  people in need,  I  can  try  to give  direction,  or advise  or  just  hold a  door.   Find a way  to  help  others  and  it  will  give  you  some  of  the  peace and  direction  you  need  to  help  yourself.  Take one  day  at a time.   I  used  to  make  long  term  plans.  That  all went  out  the  window with  this  other  crap.  I  made  plans for  retirement,  etc.   Now  I  just try  to  get  through  each  day  hoping  that  one  step  at  a time  will  get  me  through  the next 20  years  so  I  can  retire. It  is  much  easier  to  take  on  one  battle each  day.  If  you  try  to  figure it all  out  at  once  it  will  overwhelm  you.  tackle  one  problem  today.  If  it  takes  2  days  or  three  days  so  be  it.  Once  that  is  out  of  the  way  work  on  the  next.  YOU  CAN  DO  IT.  Let us  know  how  you  are  doing. there are many  here  who  care  and  lots  of  good advice.  If  you  have an Aids Service  organization  in  your  area  that might   help.  There aren't  any  where we  live,  but  I  think  that  has  helped  toughen  me  up making  me  have   to  fight  my  own  battles.  Do  any  of  your  kids talk  to  you?   Sometimes  that  has  helped  me.  sometimes  my  son  tells  me not  to  give  up.  He'll  send  me an  email  and  tell  me  I've  always been  a tough  old  bastard  and  don't  give  up.    You  can   get  through  it. Been  there.  done  that,  still  doing  it.  
« Last Edit: October 24, 2009, 10:50:52 PM by pos2007 »
Diagnosed  CD4 138 VL. 38,000
Partner Diagnosed CD4 <20  VL.  488,000


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