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Author Topic: what to do?  (Read 5069 times)

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Offline med forum

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what to do?
« on: August 20, 2009, 06:42:59 PM »
Ok.....so I found out the other day that my recent ex boyfriend is gay......I feel really overwhelmed right now because I trusted him more than anyone else. We've remained friends but I noticed a change in him over the last several months in that he just wasn't himself. After everything that we've been through....I just feel so numb right now not to mention deceived. I mean, what was real in our relationship? I am going through so many emotions. I really don't know how to begin sorting this all out. I am going to see my therapist again tomorrow....
Peace & health

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: what to do?
« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2009, 06:46:09 AM »
You do know that your boyfriend being gay is not a reflection on your womanhood one bit don't ya.  It has nothing to do with anything you did. 

  If he was abusive to women for what ever reason would you feel compelled to blame yourself?  Not trying to compare the two, just attempting to make a point.

  It has nothing to do with you ; you could have been the best looking woman on earth and came to his ever beckoning and it would have no impact on who he is. 

  Allow yourself time to recover from the heartbreak of the relationship ending itself, that's normal.  But don't blame yourself.....  the deception aspect of it is also something we all go through when we do separate from those we loved anyways.   Hell to this day I don't know who this woman was I was married to for ten years...the ex-wife that is.

I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Moffie65

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Re: what to do?
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2009, 10:56:57 AM »
“What was real in our relationship?”

Interesting you should ask this question, because for you, differentiating between what you perceived as real and what was “really” real, is going to be the turning point in finding peace with this question.

Let me explain.  Your ex-boyfriend is just the same person he is today as the day you met, however, he choose to only let you see his “Straight Stage”.  Being gay in this society is not an easy thing to do, never has been and looks like it will never be for the far distant future.

We are forced to hide our true identity simply because according to society; we are an abomination.  Can you really think of your ex as an abomination?  You gave unselfishly to him, and shared your innermost feelings and hopes with him and you “thought” he was doing the same.  Fortunately you found out that he was simply confused about his own sexual identity, and you happened to be one that was influenced by his sphere. 

I feel sorry for him, but my sorrow is far greater for you.  How you handle this life lesson is going to be the true mettle of this situation.  Please don’t put hatred or loathing in the way, because that is like pouring hot tar on the thinking processes.  You were given this opportunity to learn that only you are in control of your own world, and along the way, it is terribly important to never give of your feminine power to any man.  I guarantee that every time you do so you will be either hurt, or terribly disappointed.  Not because you gave your power to a man, but anyone but yourself.  We are given power to use for ourselves, so we have no business giving it over to anyone else, man, woman, child, or in fact anyone else.

Please, as Skeebo already said, separate out here what is truly your responsibility and what was not.  You in no way should feel anything remorseful about this relationship, simply because you did nothing wrong, or in anyway dishonest.  In the future, be observant of peoples eyes, they will tell you if they are being dishonest.  :)

Gay for 62 years.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline Snowangel

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Re: what to do?
« Reply #3 on: August 23, 2009, 10:42:30 AM »
Hi Med Forum-
You asked "what to do?"  Maybe you can look at in a different light.  You mentioned that you remained friends and that he is your ex. He trusts and feel comfortable enough to let you know his true self.  Like Skeebo mentioned it has nothing to do with you. You are still friends and will always have the memories you have together.  I can understand why are feeling deceived, but he is your ex for a reason, I don't know who broke up with who and for what reason, if you are indeed still close let him know how you are feeling and why.  What is bothering you the most, that you he didn't confide in your earlier, that you both had sex, you think it changes the experiences you had together? Talk it out. Maybe he is feeling bad because he wanted to tell you but couldn't?  What is real in your relationship is that you still both care enough about each other to consider each other friends. That in itself is a gift, let him know that he hurt you, try to heal from it and try to be supportive of him.

Good luck,
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: what to do?
« Reply #4 on: August 23, 2009, 10:53:47 AM »
Hey med forum, I agree with all of the things others have written, and will add that I hope you discuss and make a goal with your therapists that you don't allow this situation to flavor how you view men going forward from this unsavory current experience.  Do not let it deprive yourself of seeking out a new relationship at some future point. 

Oh, and don't allow it to flavor your views towards gay men in general -- most of us come out of the closet knowing that to date women while remaining in the closet is unfair to 50% of the world's population.  In fact, I'm quite sure that at least where I live our gay community center offers one-on-one counseling that includes women that have been caught up in your type of situation. 

Best of luck, and please continue to further the discussion here with us.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline med forum

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Re: what to do?
« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2009, 08:53:39 AM »
Thank you so much for your responses.....no one ever said that life was ever going to be easy but I just feel like the world is just kind of caving in on me. His immediate family just found out too and they are hysterical. His dad is threatening to kill himself and his mom and sister are just mortified of what this all means. He was always the "strong" one in the family or so we all thought and now how do you get through this? The emotions are running so high that no one knows what to do.
I spoke with his sister yesterday and she doesn't know where to turn to......I feel like the one or two days that I feel somewhat strong are then replaced by several days of questioning everything he's done, lied about, been decieving about and so forth. I know who the other guy is in this situation that he's been fooling around with....a co worker. I just want to go over there and give him a piece of my mind and for him to stay away! This wound is so deep for us I don't know how we will be able to repair it.

Thanks for listening...all advice is appreciated sincerely.
Peace & health

Offline Ann

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Re: what to do?
« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2009, 11:57:22 AM »

His immediate family just found out too and they are hysterical. His dad is threatening to kill himself and his mom and sister are just mortified of what this all means.

It has to be said that anticipating this kind of reaction from family members is a huge reason some gay men have such a difficult time accepting their sexuality and being open about it. It explains why some gay men try to fit in with their family's expectations that their child/brother/uncle/nephew will marry a woman and have children. It explains why some gay men try to fake it with women.

It's pretty damn sad.

He was always the "strong" one in the family or so we all thought

Just because the man is gay does NOT mean he isn't strong.

and now how do you get through this?

How about giving the guy some moral support? He must be devastated that his family are reacting this way. How would YOU feel if your father was threatening suicide because of YOUR sexuality?

I know who the other guy is in this situation that he's been fooling around with....a co worker. I just want to go over there and give him a piece of my mind and for him to stay away!

Leave him the hell alone! His sexuality and relationships are his business, not yours. You are no longer with your ex-boyfriend and you have no right to interfer in his relationships.

 I feel sorry for the guy.

Don't get me wrong - I'm sorry you were decieved. BUT - try to understand how this kind of thing happens. His family's reaction is a perfect example. Can't you just be glad you didn't end up hiv positive and try to give the guy some support?

Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline anniebc

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Re: what to do?
« Reply #7 on: August 25, 2009, 05:47:31 PM »
Well said Ann.

Med Forum...you would be wise to take Ann Advise, the poor guy needs all the support you can give him, if you can't give him that then stay away from him until such times as you can offer him your support and friendship..unconditionally.

Just remember you are not the only one hurting here.

Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline med forum

  • Member
  • Posts: 76
Re: what to do?
« Reply #8 on: August 25, 2009, 08:41:30 PM »
I realize I'm not the only one hurting here....but going through a mixed bag of emotions is a huge struggle for me as well.  There really isn't anything that anyone can say that'll make things better....this will all just take a whole lot of time.
And Ann.....if you read my other posts, nearly every single one mentions how I have or am attempting to support him in various other situations so please don't throw it back at me like I'm not being supportive. I have been nothing but supportive for our entire relationship.....THAT is one of the reasons why this is difficult to grasp.
Peace & health


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