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Author Topic: new to this positive 3 days and counting  (Read 5414 times)

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Offline mello000

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  • Posts: 8
new to this positive 3 days and counting
« on: July 26, 2009, 12:50:24 PM »
I have not slept in three days
I do not think I have a strong mental make up
I had been on paxil years ago for depression

I do not know what to do--  I cannot stop thinking about this every minute.

Day seems endless and i cannot wait to sleep.
I care for 87 year old mother and very very frightened.
I have used her zanex pills to make it through the last three days.

Can someone talk to me
I feel as I have no future and am getting more desperate

Offline Langie

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  • Posts: 19
Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2009, 01:08:19 PM »
my heart goes out to you!
this feeling is totally natural. when our bodies are frightened and have no where to escape. it all builds in our mind and definately an impact on our daily life.
when i first test, my doctor gave me some sleeping pills... but i can assure you i couldnt sleep, not eat or drink and this lasted for like a week. i was weak and confused but slowly my emotions anf life got immersed into the reality of the disease.
i started eating and drinking and tried had to sleep without taking sleeping pills coz i didnt want to get into an addiction.
AS time wen on from day to a week, from a week to a month, from a month to year ..... now 5 years i still hold the fear but not letting my strength go.
please, look after your self and keep your self busy to rest your mind.
With all my love

Offline mello000

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  • Posts: 8
Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2009, 01:28:41 PM »
Thank you so much for taking your time  to reply to my plea and your kind words and wishes
Sitting here at my computer simply  writing to you ,thanking you-- is a help to my mind

You were able to immerse yourself in other things after a while?
Right now I can only think of illnessand seem paralyzed

I am calling my doctor tomorrow to see if he will give me a perscription for a stress reducer
and possibly an antidepressant
Did you need these ?

« Last Edit: July 26, 2009, 01:45:42 PM by mello000 »

Offline nycpoz

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  • Posts: 76
Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2009, 01:31:21 PM »
Hello Mello - I am sorry to hear about your results. I was diagnosed last week, and I know first hand how it feels. I cried relentlessly for first few days. I can't stop thinking about it.. brushing teeth, shower, dinner it just won't go. I even don't know how I got it in my body, and am dealing with double anxiety. But, as time passes I am feeling better (though not at all times). I have been here on this forum for a week, and it has lots of information about the disease. I think the best is to accept and deal with it and use experience of folks here to change your lifestyle (easier said than done, but we all should try and stay positive).


Offline mello000

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Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2009, 01:41:41 PM »
I thank you for replying to me and honestly the fact that you also  replied made me
feel a just little bit better.
I thank you again
« Last Edit: July 26, 2009, 01:45:10 PM by mello000 »

Offline next2u

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Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2009, 02:13:14 PM »
hello melloo,

sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis. yeah, that shit sucks. but you have come to a good place and are off to a good start. do you know what your viral load and tcell counts are? i know you said you would be talking to your dr soon, will they have the results for you when you talk next?

as far as the pills go, take them if needed. i just had my xanax prescription filled and take it whenever i cannot sleep or before a long flight. i would not get in the habit of taking them (or whatever) unless needed or guided by a doctor. we don't want another fight to battle as well, lol.

yeah, when i first tested poz i did not have a hard time sleeping. im opposite of you and the last few posters....i sleep a lot when i get super stressed out. so, your reaction sounds right. eventually you will tire and your life will start adjusting to your new found reality. much of it will be the same. some of it will be different. a support group (contact your local aids service organization - aso) or  a therapist could help.

i hope things work out well for you. if you live by or in a major city finding an aso's shouldn't be difficult. if you have more questions post them here. if you need someone to chat with my instant messenger id is posted in my profile and we can chat there or you can use or the private message function within this site.

take care,
midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5
sept14 cd4 990; vl ud; cd4% *
jun15 cd4 1152; vl ud; cd4% *
oct15 cd4 583; vl 146; cd4% 42
mar16 cd4 860

Offline micca

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Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2009, 02:25:17 PM »

Offline mello000

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  • Posts: 8
Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2009, 03:01:07 PM »
Thank you so for your reply-honestly it  means a lot to me that someone out there takes the time to reply and offers encouragement and tries to make me feel better.
I appreciate your sincere  advice and greatly  appreciate your   kind offer to talk on messenger.

I will be talking to my Doctor tomorrow and will know much more.

Right now everything seems very black but your words of encouragement as I said do mean a lot to me
Much love to you for your kindness generosity
I will be trying to mail you as per your advice on contacting
I am new to this and have been having trouble negotiating the site but I am getting better
 Love again  to you for your kindness

Offline Inchlingblue

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Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2009, 03:23:15 PM »
Take this one day at a time, it will get better. I thinks it's great that you're caring for your elderly mother. You probably feel lonely right now, which is natural. It will get better. As I'm sure you must know, treatment nowadays is pretty good, most people respond well and are able to have regular lives.

I guess you found out recently that you have HIV? Have you had blood drawn to see what your numbers are?

Hang in there, it'll be fine ;)

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2009, 03:24:31 PM »
You are a caretaker, but who is taking care of you?
You'll have to remember to take care of yourself. No sleep is not an option.  Can you get some anti anxiety medicine, and/or some sleeping pills, from your doctor.  Explain the situation. Its perfectly normal. Take baby steps dealing with your diagnosis, and do what is necessary to get some sleep.
Really, a good nights sleep and things will look more optimistic in the morning.  Eventually.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mello000

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  • Posts: 8
« Reply #10 on: July 26, 2009, 04:36:40 PM »
Thank you kindly for your words .
It means a lot to me that you would respond and offer words of encouragement.
When I found out I panicked and could not listen to anything.
I will call my doctor tomorrow and get more details

Sincerely hope you are right about living-now cannot wait to sleep
Thank you so much for the words hang in there it will be fine
Sincerely and with love

Offline mello000

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #11 on: July 26, 2009, 05:10:02 PM »
I wanted to thank you here on the forum as well as I did  privately responding to your  kindness
Love and with  great gratitude

Offline anniebc

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  • Posts: 6,174
  • AM member since 2003
Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #12 on: July 26, 2009, 05:38:33 PM »
Hi Mello

Reaction to the results is difffernt for everyone, but over time you will find a way of coping with the virus that suits you and it might be quite differnt from how others deal with it.

No one here will ever tell you it's easy, it's ok to get angry or scared but don't let it take over your life, stress is natural it can actually help some of us get through certain situations but excessive stress can cause you physical symptoms and can damage your immune system further, just find ways to manage any stress you may be feeling, learn to relax and listen to your body.

Along with HIV comes anxiety and one way of tackling this is through information. gaining confidence in yourself and making informed decisions about your future.

Support is very important and you can get this from a qualified ID doctor , family and friend that you trust and there are many support organizations out there...just make sure whoever you discuss this with is sympathetic,supporting and  non judgmental about your HIV status.

Most important of all you have to remember that being HIV+ does not top you from being the person you were before your dianosis...and stop counting the days, you will find better things to do ...trust me... :D

Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline Pammypoo

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  • Posts: 16
Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #13 on: July 26, 2009, 06:50:39 PM »
I just found out a few weeks ago myself and trust me when I say I am having all the same emotions and feelings that you are. It has been hard, and scary and lonely. This site has been very helpful for me, knowing that other people are out there in the same situation makes things a little better. So take care of yourself, hang in there and keep us updated how you are doing.

Offline Joe K

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  • Posts: 5,820
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #14 on: July 26, 2009, 06:52:44 PM »
Hey Mello,

I am so sorry about your diagnosis and I am here to tell you, that you can have a long and fulfilling live with HIV, because I have been doing it for 25 years.  You have been given life-altering news, so give it time and just let your mind wander.  You will experience many different emotions and if you feel that medication can help you tolerate these emotions, then use them, but do not use them to simply mask what you refuse to face.  I also suffer from depression and while it is important to treat, you must be assured as to whatever mental health issue you really have, before you start asking a HIV doctor to prescribe you meds that should be evaluated by a psychiatrist.

For now, just slow down and breath, because you have all the time in the world.  I promise it will get better and right now, you need to take it one day at a time.  Try to stop worrying about what might come tomorrow, or you will miss what is happening today.  Yes, having HIV sucks, but you are so much more than some stinking virus.  Give yourself permission to adjust, however you must, to this news and you will find that each day you will think of HIV even less, until, eventually, it becomes just another facet of your life.  There is no hurry for you to adjust, so take care of you, for how ever long that takes.

Welcome to AIDSmeds.

Offline Langie

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  • Posts: 19
Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #15 on: July 27, 2009, 08:13:53 AM »
hello Mello! just came up here to see if you a feeling better and trying a start to kick life up.
am glad people like Killfoile are here as evident to all of us that you make it longer and longer if yu allow your self. Go to yor doctor and discuss things out and get the prescriptions but dont let meds control your life is you are still able to control some emotions.
Look out for as much support in your area.
much love

Offline smalltown66

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  • Posts: 73
Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #16 on: July 27, 2009, 04:37:29 PM »

I know your emotions are going wild right now. You have found a good place to start for support. Many of us here have had the experience of finding out your HIV status and we know it is hard at the beginning. Let me first tell you that there are many medications and treatments that slow virus replication. HIV is now is not an immediate death sentence, but an illness that is managable for many years. I remember my diagnosis in 1995. I was emotionally crushed. Please seek help through case-management through your local resources. There are lots of support here on this forum also. Keep reading this forum. Find out as much as you can about HIV and listen to what others can tell you about there experiences and it wont seem so scary.

Take a deep breathe and remember there are people out there to hellp you throught this.

Hugs and prayers

Lifting the weight of the world sure is easier with others with the same goal.

Offline chguy78

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  • Posts: 67
Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #17 on: July 27, 2009, 05:12:15 PM »
Mello -

I found out my diagnosis about four months ago and for the first few days, I would just break down and cry.  I did go through this stress with my partner and it made it so much easier to have someone with whom you can cry and talk.  Forums are great but personal communication is so much richer, in my opinion, if it's possible.  There are support groups in most areas - if you don't have a friend with whom you can share this, I advise you to seek one of those groups out.  Regardless, this group seems to be so supportive.
01/11: CD4=753 (36%), VL=Undetectable
07/10: CD4=531 (33%), VL=Undetectable
04/10: CD4=746 (33%), VL=Undetectable
01/10: CD4=566 (35%), VL=Undetectable
10/09: CD4=436 (31%), VL=405
07/09: CD4=631 (27%), VL=847
06/09: Started: Truvada, Reyataz, Norvir
05/09: CD4=426 (28%), VL=38,300
04/09: Positive; CD4=466 (28%), VL=39,700
10/08: Negative

Offline Rev. Moon

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Re: new to this positive 3 days and counting
« Reply #18 on: July 28, 2009, 08:07:14 PM »
Hi Mello, first of all I am sorry about your diagnosis.  I am glad however that you have reached out to the members of this forum; you will find a lot of support and (as you have noticed) kindness and encouragement from many members.

I see that in addition to this new stress factor in your life you have other things to worry about (caring for a parent must be a lot in itself).  Please take care of yourself; not getting sleep right now is a natural reaction, but your body is going to need some rest soon (if meds help then go for it).

Before my diagnosis --seven weeks ago-- I sort of hibernated instead of sleeping (some weekends 14 or 16 hours in a row).  The first couple of weeks were restless, waking up every hour, hoping for the sun to rise so that I could just distract my mind at work.  Slowly, things have returned to near "normal" and now I'm able to get eight hours without interruption.  The last couple of days I have found myself forgetting at moments that I have this "passenger" in my body.  In time (hopefully soon) you're going to see that you will get there as well.

Allow yourself time to process this.  Cry if you need to, it helps to let it out (the tears will slow down or stop in the future).  Talk to anyone who loves you/cares about you and who can be trusted with this info.  Once you are ready you will just need to start taking good care of your health, body and and mind.  It won't be all easy, but you will need it now that life has changed; and you will see that you are going to be fine.

Remember: "you have HIV, HIV does not have YOU."


"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."


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