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Author Topic: New to site, hello  (Read 1927 times)

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Offline ZENON56

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
New to site, hello
« on: July 25, 2009, 12:44:01 PM »
Hi, I just joined aidsmeds a few day's ago and although I have posted or answered some post's, I thought I should introduce myself. I am a gay male, 56 year's of age, and I have been healthy hiv+ for almost 30 year's. I am single and somewhat content in my own little world. I have read post's of people meeting and getting together and I think that's great, I wish much happiness to them.
I live in a city in Alberta, Canada. Beacause of my anxieties I rarely leave my apartment, and because of the guilt and shame I carry with me I'm positive I give off a negative view to people.
After I moved from Toronto to where I am 10 year's ago, the friend's I knew started to slowly pass away, from heart attack, aids, and my oldest best friend was murdered in his own apartment after meeting a guy, striking up a friendship and taking him home. He was strangled with speaker wire. I was devastated, and from that time on I started getting anxiety problem's, to this day I cannot go outside without wearing sunglasses, I feel people watching me and talking about me if I don't have my security blanket sunglasses on. Both of my parent's were alcoholic's, I saw the damage it caused, I still have a drink or two, but realise I probably have a predisposition and could end up like them, both are deceased now, so I really am alone in the world, as I was an only child and my parent's were not close to their families. Thankfully I have trained myself to compartmentalise, and once a day is over I move on to the next, this has helped me so much, what has gone is gone. This allows me to control stress. So when it comes to my hiv, I don't worry about all the blood tests and t4 counts, etc, I mean what can I do about it, really !. And I guess it has worked for me, my doctor refers to me as his star patient. So I know it's easy to say, but try not to stress on thing's that are out of your control.
I thought at this age of my life I would be living life with a special guy, but alas that was not meant to be, but the really strange thing is that the thing I miss the most is touch, I can't remember the last time someone hugged me.
So that's a part of my story that I wanted to convey in this introduction. I hope I can expect to hear from some of you, it would be nice to have someone to talk to and get to know online. I have a heart that is big enough for many friend's, I invite you to become a friend.
Thank's for reading.

Offline nycpoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 76
Re: New to site, hello
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2009, 12:58:46 PM »
Is being HIV still a stigma in society? and that too western world?
ZENON- I am 27yrs old  straight guy who tested poz a week back. I can most certainly feel your pain. If I was there in your country, I would have hugged you. This site is a great place and people here are very supportive.

Offline Inchlingblue

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Re: New to site, hello
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2009, 02:15:39 PM »
Hi Zenon56, welcome to the forums ;)

Your advice about stress is a good one, I agree, although I'm still working on it as far as being able to achieve a "stress-free" life, I'm getting there.

It sounds like the experience of your close friend being murdered was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back and sent you a little over the edge, so to speak. I hope you're able to work on healing that particular wound, I would imagine that your friend who was killed would not have wanted his death to have had such a negative impact on you. One step at a time, though. Do you see a therapist?

I look forward to hearing more from you on here.

Offline positivmat

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  • Posts: 222
Re: New to site, hello
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2009, 02:35:08 PM »
Hey good to meet you. My name is Matt. I was diagnosed 6 months ago. Just starting to come out of my shell here from the shock. It should not have been a shock!  But it was. I am 43 and in NY. I appreciate hearing from Long term survivors about how they cope. I also appreciate all you must have gone through in the early years. Like GNYC says, I would hug you too. Hope to hear more from you.


Offline ZENON56

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: New to site, hello
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2009, 02:58:42 PM »
Thankyou for your replies to my post.
Above all, I wanted to convey to everyone that when there seems to be no hope, know that there is hope. Our bodies are miraculous machines, but in order to maintain these machines we have to learn to manage our cleanup manager ( just like a computer ), and program our mind's to clean up all the waste of memory. With a weakened immune system we have to learn how to improve our bodies. Many year's ago I knew that I could not go on harming my body, I had to stop drinking alcohol, I had to eat healthier and reduce the portion sizes of my meal's. I still have a long way to go, I'm finding that quitting smoking is not as easy as I thought, but I am cutting down drastically. I want to exercise, but for several year's I have had problem's with my right leg, after I walk a block it feels like my whole leg is aching and throbbing and turning to stone, after resting the leg for a few minutes I can restart my walk, but every few block's I have to rest again. Tests have shown no problem's with blood circulation, etc.
The last doctor I saw about this told me to go to a grocery store and lean on a trolley and walk around the store, can you imagine?, I told my other doctor's that I was disgusted by this suggestion. But I will not give up, I will overcome this problem, because there is always hope.
Stay well all of you.

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,802
Re: New to site, hello
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2009, 03:26:15 PM »

thanks for posting. wow, i hate to jump in like this but here it goes. do you have an aso that you are a part of? or maybe another club? what do you enjoy doing?

im glad that you are making yourself happier. what concerns me most are your reasons for isolation. if you were a hermit i'd give you kudos. but you don't sound like hermit and i hope you still have friends that you communicate with on a regular basis. im sorry to hear about what happened to your friend, there are crappy people in the world.

but, there are also plenty of good people in the world. if you are working on these other things (eating better, smoking cessation, exercise, mental excellence) then when the time or opportunity is right do you think it would be appropriate to reach out to another for friendship?

i know somedays i wear the scarlet hiv letters and feel like a pariah. but then a lil bastard inside of me reminds me im entitled to a full life and the things that make my heart content. and that includes a full circle of friends who will piss me off and support me. and also laugh with me. or whatever makes our hearts content. and whatever makes your life content...u fill in this blank.

hopefully someone else here sounds in on the leg pain. i usually go the swimming route for fun, low impact activity.

hope this wasn't too arrogant or something. take care and looking forward to reading more of your posts.

midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5
sept14 cd4 990; vl ud; cd4% *
jun15 cd4 1152; vl ud; cd4% *
oct15 cd4 583; vl 146; cd4% 42
mar16 cd4 860


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