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Author Topic: 6 months  (Read 4175 times)

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Offline umfowabo

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6 months
« on: July 11, 2009, 04:09:43 PM »
So it's 6 months since Kate(penguin) died. I don't know what to say really but I wanted to post something today.

Today a group of her friends and me we walked along the river. It was raining but we kept walking anyway.Kate liked the rain.
We went to Kew to the glasshouse which Kate always loved and had like a remembrance thing.Her friend who's a Buddhist said a beautiful kind of prayer and they all talked about her and what it meant to them to not have her here anymore.

People say about how in time you get over it or move on or whatever.I don't know how long it takes or what they even mean by getting over it.If getting over it means forgetting her or feeling like she's totally gone then I'm not sure I ever want to get over it.It's like she's in the past tense and present tense at the same time and I get so confused.

I still talk to her.Not in a crazy way but I still tell her what I'm doing or if something happens. I still keep her mobile phone on most of the time I know that's probably weird.Everytime I plug it in to charge I think why am I doing this?But it's like I just can't turn it off completely for the last time.
Saying I miss her doesn't even come close and I think people are talking crap when they say it stops hurting or get better at some point.I think it just gets different.

I've been really stressed out because her ex partner is being very difficult about what she thinks she's entitled to from Kate's will/estate.I just want it all over and finished.I don't understand why people act the way they do.

I'm going to South Africa in September to take Kate's ashes home.I'm thinking about moving back for a while next year maybe.Kate always says stepping off the plane there was like walking back into someone's arms.My friend says it's running away but whatever I'm looking for isn't here for sure.

Thank you to the people who sent me messages over the past 6 months.I'm sorry I haven't replied to all of them because sometimes it's too difficult and it still hurts too much.But I did read them all and I was grateful you wrote them to me.

« Last Edit: July 12, 2009, 05:37:21 AM by umfowabo »

Offline BT65

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2009, 05:20:29 PM »

I don't believe the empty feeling ever goes away.  I lost both my parents within the last two years, and it is hard.  And hey, I still talk to my mum about things that are going on, especially if something good happens.  It's not crazy to do.  Why not talk to the people we love? 

I am really sorry you're having to deal with Katie's ex.  Is there someone there who can help you sort through everything and deal with the ex? 

South Africa sounds like a good place for you.  It sounds like you feel at home there.  I'll be happy when you get to go.

I'm thinking about you tonight, Matthew.  Kate is still in my thoughts.  Please take care of yourself. :-*
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2009, 05:25:12 PM »
Thinking of you today, Matthew.  Kew Gardens is a lovely place.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline umfowabo

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2009, 05:44:52 AM »

thanks Betty and MissP for replying.And Betty thank you for writing about how you still talk to your Mum I'm glad someone else does that too,not just me.

I am really sorry you're having to deal with Katie's ex.  Is there someone there who can help you sort through everything and deal with the ex? 

Our solicitor (you call them lawyers in the states don't you) is helping me,so I don't have to speak to her or deal with it anymore.Like I said though I wish it was all finished it's hard having it dragging on like this and it makes me unhappy.

from Matthew

Offline minismom

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2009, 06:54:27 AM »
Sweet Matthew,

I think a trip to SA is a wonderful idea.  I know how much it meant to Kate, how much she loved it and the people.  Know that you are, and always will be, in our hearts and our prayers.

"Whichever way you throw me, i will stand"
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today...it's already tomorrow in Australia"  Charles Schultz

Offline Dachshund

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2009, 08:00:24 AM »
Matthew I understand completely your loss and grief. You owe no explanations to me, or to anyone else for that matter. It was a profound loss for me and I will never get over it. Move on I suppose, but never get over it.

Over the years through conversations on Skype and in Pm's and emails and letters I got to know Katie, and I feel so fortunate to know Katie was my friend. I miss her wisdom and wit. I miss the trinkets we sent back and forth across the pond. Of course I am under no allusion that she was using my mailing address to get to Sam. :) Amazing me with her spot on choices of treats and trinkets, sent to a little dog she had never met. Her insight into all creatures great and small was nothing short of miraculous.

She will be pleased to be returning to her beloved Africa. Try and take care my friend.



« Last Edit: July 12, 2009, 10:26:44 AM by Dachshund »

Offline newt

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2009, 10:23:57 AM »
Since my mother's going, and Kate's, I understand the African talk to the ancestors thing. My life is in a glass box for the departed. I do not apologise or change what I do, but I feel it, and yes, talk with them. I would like more time to talk with them, the distractions of the business of the day...hmmm...

Kate's ex, i never met her, I met Kate about the time they split (well a bit before I think) and took sides. A woman who keeps her tights in the fridge and runs back to her ex gets no entitlement in my book, grace or no grace in death. You leave, you've left, deal with it.

I am going to the Eastern Cape in November and have arranged to go to the hills with a sangoma, there is an act of honour, not remembrance, for me that I owe.

big hug brother matt

- matt the newt

Now playing: the sunshine and wind
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline newt

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2009, 10:28:05 AM »
Dammit, this just came on iTunes

Dear Boy, Ben Taylor & David Saw

I guess you never knew, dear boy, what you had found,
I guess you never knew, dear boy.
That she was just the cutest thing around,
Guess you never knew what you had found,
Dear boy.

When she stepped in, my heart was down and out,
But her love came through and brought me around,
Got me up and about.
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline sharkdiver

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2009, 12:55:22 PM »
Dear Matthew,
   You and Kate cross my mind quite frequently.  I can relate to your pain. At times my loss still stabs me deep into my heart and when I least expect it.
   Please don't feel you need to apologize for your actions or feelings, especially if others in her life have "moved on." Grief can bring out the worst in people, especially people who weren't around. Often times the person who is left becomes a target of all of their anger and their failings. Protect yourself, protect your heart.
   I had an incredible journey carrying my partner's ashes to where he wanted to be. If you'd like sometime, I would share that with you, but not here. That was my gift and I have only shared that with a few people.
You are a lovely man 

Offline AlanBama

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #9 on: July 12, 2009, 01:20:10 PM »
Dear Matthew,

I understand your pain, honey.   Kate was so well loved here in the forums, I miss her quiet ways; her humor, her good common sense....and her writing skills.

It never gets any easier, but it does become more 'familiar', or in a sense, more comfortable.

With love,

"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline AndyArrow

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #10 on: July 12, 2009, 05:34:27 PM »

I think it is a wonderful idea to take Katie's ashes back to SA.  Taking them to a place she loved is so much better than just having them sit in some urn on a shelf.  Many years ago when my father past away he was a huge Chicago Cubs fan (american baseball sort of like rounders) and now he is part of the ivy that grows on the walls of the stadium.

** note to any law enforcement ** I have NO idea how he got there since I know it would be illegal to scatter his ashes there.  ::)

I hope SA will bring you peace also.  Keep talking to Katie!!  People only die when we forget them.  At least, that's how I feel.  You are right the pain doesn't go away ... but it will mellow with time.

It is not the arrival that matters.  It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

Offline komnaes

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2009, 11:13:02 PM »

Getting over doesn't have to mean forgetting.. and moving on doesn't have to mean leaving her memories behind.

Please take care!

Hugs, Shaun
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
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Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
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Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
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Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline umfowabo

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #12 on: July 13, 2009, 06:26:51 PM »
I'm not really good with words like Kate was.So it doesn't sound very good when I just say thank you for what you all wrote.But I don't know how else to say it.

Kristina you know how special Mim was to Kate she would have loved to have been able to meet you all.

Hal she loved Sam he was like her adopted dog.Kate was very good at choosing presents for people(and dogs) she put a lot of thought into it.She used to enjoy talking to you guys so much I think it gave her a reason to keep going actually.

Alan  thank you,you seem like a really kind person I know Kate had a lot of respect for you.

Eric that was a really nice post,you're very good with words.Thank you.I think it's true what you said about other people making you a target,I'll try to remember that when things make me upset.Sometime if it's ok I'd like to hear that story about taking your partner's ashes.

Shaun and Andy,thank you for writing to me too.I'm glad your Dad got to be somewhere he loved in the end Andy,I think that's important.

Matt,bru.There is a small metal plaque for Kate which we put in the ground with the plants at the Eden Project a couple of months ago.It says on it "I see you with my heart" like the zulu saying.I think you probably understand what that means.Her ex I think you picked the right side to take.Kate was such a gentle person and very graceful(I think that's the right word) You could behave like a complete idiot and she'd still treat with you with respect.I think that's what makes it worse,she never played games with people.I tried to stay calm about it but I think she's a money grabbing vulture who hurt Kate a lot.

There aren't many people like Kate I don't think and I'm glad you all got to know her while she was here.

If I met you all I would give you all a hug too for making me feel less alone with this stuff.
« Last Edit: July 13, 2009, 06:37:35 PM by umfowabo »

Offline anniebc

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #13 on: July 13, 2009, 07:03:03 PM »
For as long as us Oldies hang around here, and after we leave, Kate will always be in our hearts and as long as we live so will she Mathew..she was a wise and wonderful women.

Jan :-*
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline umfowabo

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Re: 6 months
« Reply #14 on: July 15, 2009, 04:16:58 AM »
Thanks Jan that means a lot to me.


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