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Author Topic: Tgirl newly tested poz, Im scared.  (Read 6131 times)

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Offline VenusGirl

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Tgirl newly tested poz, Im scared.
« on: May 24, 2009, 07:42:49 PM »
I just found out on 5/15 and have had a rollacoaster of emotions.  Some days are OK, others are so sad.  I'm in college and in the middle of finals and find it so hard to focus and finish.  Whats worst is that i just got in to Berkeley and I'm not sure if i should go in the fall now.  This news of being Poz changes everything.  Aside me, My mother was recently diagnosed with Chronic kidney disease and diabetes that it makes me so upset i can no longer be a donor option.  I robbed her of that chance.  So so many emotions going i cant sleep well and wake up early and toss and turned and keep thinking now what?  How do i go on to the University when i cant focus.  Should i deferred enrollment a year?  OMG i just cant be away so far and alone with new people and this new virus it so scary.  I still need to find out my VL and Tcell counts and i hope it wont be against me. 
I have been pretty healthy for the most part, don't smoke or drink or party.
But I guess i just need time and blood work before i can make decisions again. 
I'm so glad i came here because i don't know what to do most of the times now.


Offline positivmat

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Re: Tgirl newly tested poz, Im scared.
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2009, 06:57:57 AM »
I am sorry about your diagnosis. I was diagnosed 4 months ago and it is a rollercoaster. That is normal. You should probably be ok to handle the fall semester. Over the summer the ride will even out a bit and all the questions and emotions you are having will settle down. It sounds like you have a lot going for you being bright enough for Berkley. There will be changes that you will have to accept. Once you accept the new situation, you won't have the same emotional intensity.
Thinking about what you have to accept will move the process along. This forum can answer a lot of questions. Thay also have a women only forum.

Unless you really resist accepting your new status, I think that you will be fine to go to school next semester. Good luck and congratulations on getting in to Berkeley.


Offline Snowangel

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  • Posts: 1,416
Re: Tgirl newly tested poz, Im scared.
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2009, 09:54:06 AM »
Hi V-
I agree with Matt, things will probably settle down over the summer. Depending on if you go on meds or not, you could be feeling comfortable by then.  If you don't head off to school, that will be just another thing that you regret.
When I first found out in 97, I just kept doing what I was doing, probably working more than I would have. I was in an extremely abusive relationship that I probably would have just stayed in and been miserable or dead.  Just make sure that you try to get enough rest, excercise and eat right.  I found that it someways it made things a lot easier, things that I would have been afraid or fearful of, I went at head on because I figured the outcome couldn't possibly be as bad as what I felt I was already dealing with.
As far as your mom goes, just cuz you are positive, you are not going to stop loving, caring or supporting her and that is she is always going to need that.

Stay strong and keep following your dreams.
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline VenusGirl

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  • Posts: 6
Re: Tgirl newly tested poz, Im scared.
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2009, 02:29:12 PM »
Thank you Matt and Snow
for taking time and responding.
Im so unease, on edge and cant sleep well.  But your advice and support means so much thank you.
I just hope i can handle and keep up with the work ahead at Berkeley so im so scared to lose this
opportunity i  have worked so hard for.  Im the generation and family graduate and still want to finish all this.  All this timing sucks but its done and i have to live with it and fight on.
YOU ALL sound like fighters in here and im glad im here.

I will need you all to get through this and appreciate all your advice and support any you have
So any you have please share.  thank you

all the best to all of you too

Offline positivmat

  • Member
  • Posts: 222
Re: Tgirl newly tested poz, Im scared.
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2009, 07:47:34 PM »
Two things helped me sleep. Melatonin which might not work for you if you are still 20 something. Also, meditation did wonders for me in relieving stress. And although I don't consider myself religious, I found myself saying the rosary when I would wake up in the middle of the night. It calmed me down, focused my mind and got me out of my head. Most importantly, develop a strategy for sleeplessness. You don't want to lay in bed worrying.

And ■hen there is the possibility that meds might help you. Just take care of yourself right now.

The summer will be a good time for you to develop a stress reduction strategy for your health and the upcoming berkeley stress

Offline BT65

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  • Posts: 10,785
Re: Tgirl newly tested poz, Im scared.
« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2009, 08:13:22 PM »

Welcome to the forums.  Sorry we met this way, but I'm glad you found us.  I've been diagnosed for 20 years, and just finished a BS in psych degree.  So, education, along with an eventual career is possible having HIV.  I'm sorry about your mom, but things work out that we don't think will. 

Of course it's perfectly normal to feel up and down for, probably the first year.  What I would suggest is getting in touch with your nearest ASO (Aids Service Organization), and talk to a person there who is trained to listen and counsel the newly diagnosed (and the more advanced diagnosed).  And, they may have links to support groups, where, when you're ready, you could meet other people who are in the same boat as you are.  I also encourage you to visit the "positive women" section of this forum.  It's where we ladies talk about our daily lives, struggles, little victories, and support each other.  You're welcome there. 

I hope you continue posting.  I'd love to see the path you take (and I trust it will be a good one).
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline Andy Velez

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  • Posts: 31,892
Re: Tgirl newly tested poz, Im scared.
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2009, 04:23:56 PM »
Venus, you are going to get through this. I want to urge you to not feel you have to rush and make all kinds of decisions.

Make sure that you're doing some deep and slow breathing -- in and out and whenever you are feeling tense or overwhelmed. It really does help.

Your life is going to go on, albeit with a new element in it that will bring some challenges. But you are already showing real determination to get on so I know you are going to be ok. It is important to have a doctor watching your numbers. Together you will keep you healthy. Sure it would have been great to have been a possible donor for your Mom, but there are going to be many other opportunities for you to be loving and supportive.

Gradually you're going to learn everything you need to know in order to stay well. Just give it some time.

You're always welcome here to ask questions and to talk about anything that's on your mind. As you can already see, members are going to be generous with sharing their support and experience. 

Andy Velez


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