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Author Topic: getting my life back  (Read 3556 times)

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Offline jason35

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
getting my life back
« on: April 17, 2009, 05:43:28 PM »
i don't know here to post this really so i picked the "living with" cause thats what im doing!!

coming up on a year now since i was told i had it and lurcking around here for that year, never really posted anything cause never really felt i had anything interesting to say!! guess the day i was told a part of me died, my self confidence shattered, there hasn't been a minute of every day i haven't thought about my status, there aint a moment that i have stop hating that bugger that infected me, yet i know it was my fault as i was drunk and let it happen!!

now a year later i need to start living again, i need to stop this self pity, i need to pick myself up and get going again

so this is my start, im jason, im hiv+, i live in ireland and i hope soon ill have the guts to put my picture up soon!!!

thatks for sure a great site and i will be posting as i know what a great help this place has been!!

never surrender

Offline clsoca

  • Member
  • Posts: 164
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2009, 06:33:16 PM »
Hi Jason,

I don't think a part of you died at all. If you really think about it, the same exact opportunities exist now as they did prior to the HIV diagnosis.

Something that caught my eye was that you admitted to making a mistake. Please allow me to share that I too made a mistake. Actually I have made so many mistakes in my life that I don't even look back now except when I want to disgust myself and need to throw-up.

You are not alone. I finally got the courage to put my pic up as well.

Fight hard against your status quo self pity mind set. You know, Status quo is Latin for 'the mess we're in'. Remember..... today is the first day of the rest of your life.

10/07 Infected
11/07 Seroconversion
07/08 Tested Poz
07/08 VL 487  CD4 658  (No Meds)
10/08 VL 286  CD4 724  (No Meds)
01/24/09 VL 30,100   CD4 329 CD4 30% (No Meds)
02/06/09 VL 44,000   CD4 367 CD4 36%  Blood Work @ UCLA (No Meds)
02/06/09 VL 44,000   CD4 317 CD4 35% Blood Work @ USC (No Meds)
02/12/09 VL 52,000   CD4 297 CD4 29%
02/12/09  Started Atripla
04/01/09 VL 60  CD4 667   CD4 48%
06-05-09  VL UD CD4 427   CD4 39%

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,489
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2009, 08:55:07 PM »
Welcome to the forums, Jason~
The first year was pretty tough for me as well.
Congrats on coming in from the shadows.

infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,802
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2009, 12:11:32 AM »
hello jason,

one year down, many more to go! im  on my second year and have started looking at my retirement seriously.

every mistake is a learning opportunity. take it for what it's worth. mistakes are also constant reminders that we are human : ). don't beat yourself up too much...gotta forgive yourself and look for bigger mountains to conquer.

congrats again and take care.

midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5
sept14 cd4 990; vl ud; cd4% *
jun15 cd4 1152; vl ud; cd4% *
oct15 cd4 583; vl 146; cd4% 42
mar16 cd4 860

Offline moratorium79

  • Member
  • Posts: 44
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2009, 03:19:22 AM »
Hey Jason, I was a lurker here too for a while before finally joining.  I think you'll find this place is an overabundance of support and information, not to mention just downright welcoming.

Every human being, HIV positive or not, has made mistakes, and they don't make us any better or worse than anyone else.  We do what humans do, which is LIVE, and no matter what the result we learn and grow from the decisions we have made.

You've taken a tremendous step just joining and posting, I feel.  Please continue to do so and keep us posted on how you're doing.  This is an incredible community, and every one of us has felt just what you feel now.

I finally have hope that things will get better and HIV will not be at the center of every breath I take, and that feeling has eluded me for almost a year now.  Thanks for joining!
« Last Edit: April 18, 2009, 03:21:38 AM by moratorium79 »
*these are not times for the weak of heart*

Offline Texan38

  • Member
  • Posts: 686
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2009, 08:08:41 AM »
Hi Jason!

Yea, the first year is always a rough one. Bet you felt you were on an emotional roller coaster ride that never seems to end but after awhile, like you said, you need to start living again and sounds to me like you're starting to get your life back!  ;)

In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline mjmel

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,069
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2009, 08:20:59 AM »
now a year later i need to start living again, i need to stop this self pity, i need to pick myself up and get going again

That's the spirit, buddy! You've hit the nail on the head.


Offline minismom

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,652
  • Quocumque jeceris stabit
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2009, 08:22:43 AM »
Jason, welcome to the forums!  I'm glad that you've decided to join us.  You'll find that you are among some of the highest quality folks in the world.  I look forward to hearing more from you.

"Whichever way you throw me, i will stand"
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today...it's already tomorrow in Australia"  Charles Schultz

Offline isitthatbad

  • Member
  • Posts: 58
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2009, 02:53:15 PM »
Hi Jason im close to entering year 2 yeah its been "challenging" but my life has totally changed..for the better the virus has opened many doors i would not have stopped at would i have been negative its taught alot about me and in some ways the virus has saved me i guess. Life is about evolving and you just have to pick yourself up and get on with it its not all that bad?? :-*

Offline rpm1437gcw

  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2009, 07:46:58 PM »
hey jason glad to see you here.  I just started here myself.  However I am coming up on 12 years.  With the help of friends and family I try to stay positive in all I do.  It is not always easy but through others I do get help.  I recently had to rely on more help and have started getting more involved with the community.   I hope you stay positive in attitude and my prayers are out to you and your family.  We can and do live through this. 

keep on smiling
beauty is in all of us we need to see beyond the physicla to the soul.

Offline jason35

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #10 on: April 20, 2009, 05:01:57 PM »
thanks to all i dont know what to say, think ive just met some of the best folk in the world and your words have really made me feel better!!  i plan to be on this board a lot and for a long time:-)

never surrender

Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2009, 09:22:13 PM »
Hi Jason, and welcome to the forums.     Hope to have you posting and hope that you come to realize that there are a lot of things that make life worth living...  and that the virus is just a virus.
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline AndyArrow

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,196
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #12 on: April 21, 2009, 07:12:01 AM »
Hello & Welcome to the forums Jason,

Jason Go Braugh!  ;)  Or at least for a very long time now that you are starting to live again.  These forums are a great way to connect to people who understand what you are dealing with on a daily basis. 

It is not the arrival that matters.  It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

Offline bmancanfly

  • Member
  • Posts: 776
  • Medicare For All !
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2009, 11:20:26 AM »
glad you're coming out and continuing to live life.  best of luck
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."

 Bertrand Russell

Offline Dale Parker

  • Member
  • Posts: 266
Re: getting my life back
« Reply #14 on: April 23, 2009, 02:33:05 AM »
Hi Jason:  It's great that you are getting your life back together.  While your getting it together try to correct some of the mistakes that you felt you made in the past.  If you read my post in I Just Tested Positive you can see part of my story.  In a nut shell: I had skin problems for 18 months. I saw 7 doctors 3 of which should have sent me for further testing.   In September of last year I was laid off work.  My take home pay went from just over $3000 a month (which just covered my expences) to $1500 a month.  After my unemployment insurance runs out I have to go onto a disibility payment of $1200 a month.  On Friday I will be seeing a credit counselor about going bankrupt.  I owe about $33000 to credit card companies. I don't see how I can pay  them.
   The life that I spent 51 years building has been almost totally wiped out. In the next few months I plan on building a totally new life (for the most part).  I've had to apply for subsidized housing so I will be moving to a much smaller apartment.  I will have to sell most of my oversized furniture and other belongings just to fit into a bachelor. It could be any where in the city.  I've asked to be in the gay getto but thats tough to get into.  I have already been looking at new smaller furniture for it.
    I have made a lot ton of mistakes in life that I am working hard to correct.  The three major  mistakes which I regret the most: First: Since I didn't come out to my family until I tested positive I always felt isolated from them.  I always was truthful to what I had been doing i.e. "I went camping with Mike and Fred".  Never fibbed and said it was Fred and Mary. It was taken for granted that at 51 years old that I was gay.  I just felt that I couldn't be my self around them.  Telling them about my HIV and verbalizing my gayness has brought me much closer to them. I'm working very hard to be a great brother and unlce.  I actually told my sister that a guy cruised me on the subway. It felt so good to be so open with her. 
   Secondly: I have 4 amazing friends.  One sold me $1800 car for $250 after mine was stolen.  Another has paid over $300 for perscriptions that I could not afford.  All of them have helped me move 3 times and I have never ever even had them over for a thankyou dinner.  Once I get my finances sorted I pan on having a dinner party for all.  Might not make up for 15 of being an asshole but its a start and I plan on keeping it up.
    Thirdly: Financially I was in self deprevation mode.  Kept my charge cards maxed out so I didn't have the money to go out.  I could never afford to go to a movie, sunday brunch or a bar.  My total pay check was going for rent and charge payments. My thinking was that if I was broke I would never find a boyfriend and have to come out formally.  My dad had a very rough childhood. Although I knew he would accept me and a bf it would have hurt him greatly.  My sisters husband is extremly homophobic and I figured he would ban me from ever seeing them again. I know now that was very stupid of me. 
    My new life (which I am looking forward to building) will use family and friends as a large corner stone, more importantly my true self will be the base.  It's going to be very tough to right the wrongs, forgive those who need to be forgiven and make a major life style change.  I'm sure there will be many successes and some failures in doing it. I will survive it.  In the end it might not be the life that I have always dreamed of (exotic cars, hot twinks and lots of travel) but it will be MY TRUE life. 
  Trust me.  I have made a lot of other mistakes in my life.  What is fixable I plan on fixing.  There are others which I know that I cannot fix.  Some of which I hope to be forgiven for. Others like not going to school as often as I should have (straight C's when I have since proven I could have been a A+ student) I cannot correct. I have accepted them, learned from them and moved on.
I sincerley wish you the best of luck and hope that your re buit life will bring you all of the respect, love and happiness that you deserve. 
« Last Edit: April 23, 2009, 02:43:36 AM by Dale Parker »
Apr 09  CD4 21, CD4/CD8 ratio 0 VL 500,000+
July 09 CD4 158, CD4/CD812% VL 750
Oct 09 CD4 157 CD4/CD8 14% VL UD
Feb 10 CD4 197, CD4/CD8 11% VL UD
May 10  CD4 252 CD4/CD8 12% VL UD
Aug 10 CD4 211 VL UD
Nov 10 CD4 272 CD4/CD8 0.138 VL UD


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