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Author Topic: Everything got messed up.  (Read 3510 times)

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Offline Tower311

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
  • We Would That Words Become Shooting Stars...
Everything got messed up.
« on: April 14, 2009, 04:26:48 PM »
I just found out last Thursday. 

I had a positive finger stick test two weeks ago and it got confirmed by the lab here last Thursday.

I told my partner about the preliminary positive result so that he could get tested.  Boy, was he pissed.  He came back negative and I didn't.  He wants me gone.  I have to find somewhere else to live because he said he can't look at me.  Which is hard to deal with while I do his laundry and make his dinner.  It's hard to sleep.

I feel extremely lonely because he's bad mouthing me all around the neighborhood.  I really thought we'd be together for the rest of my life and now I am beginning to realize that's not the case.  I guess he's hurt.  I wish I knew how to fix this. 

I'm going to a specialist on Friday to find out what's going on inside my body.  I'm nervous and really scared.  I've been reading around on the website today and I don't wanna have to take any of those pills.  I don't want this to be the life I have to live. 

Also, I don't know how to tell my friends.  I only have him and his friends, really.  I was new here until I met him and his circle.  Everybody back home wouldn't understand.  I'm so mad.  I'm mad because I know how this happened.  I'm taking responsibility because I chose to be unfaithful.  I wish I hadn't.  I would do anything to undo that.  I was lonely.  but now, I'm even lonlier.

I really regret some stuff.  I don't know how to deal with this, it's too much.

Offline Elephant

  • Member
  • Posts: 37
Re: Everything got messed up.
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2009, 06:26:47 PM »

I hope you're OK.

I'm new at this too. March 12th I found out.

If I were you right now I'd worry more about finding a good Dr (you mentioned Friday you have an apt.). getting your bloodwork/numbers and a councilor. The "here and now" is what I'd focus on if I were you. Not so much the "what ifs" or "could have, should haves".

I wouldn't worry about telling anyone other than a very very trusted friend. If they are all tied in with your bf, use the councilor. Re approach telling people later on ... if ever. Try to focus on 'you' for now and that's it.

You may want to talk to the Dr. about "the pills". For most people it's once a day and no side effects. Diabetes is tuffer to handle than this in my opinion.

You'll be OK. Really.

If you need someone the people on this board are great!

Keep us posted!

Offline dtwpuck

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,013
  • дано мне тело, что мне делать с ним?
Re: Everything got messed up.
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2009, 10:09:31 PM »
Hey... I'm really sorry your partner is being a jerk.  Yes, I mean that.  He's being a jerk.    I understand that someone might have reluctance to date someone else who is poz, but that does not excuse badmouthing someone.  It also doesn't excuse being so astonishingly insensitive as to not treat your partner with a bit of compassion while he's dealing with seroconversion.

I don't really even care if you were the one who brought hiv into the relationship through an indiscretion.  It's not right. 

So, here's the deal.  This is no picnic.  You're brand new.  Take a few minutes to read through some of the lessons on this site.  Also, take a look at how some people have dealt with finding out here on this part of the board.  And, please, for what it's worth... everyone on here has been through seroconverting.  We've also had crappy relationships, and had to deal with some kind of rejection.  I am not saying that there is a magic pill to swallow that's going to make everything better... but I am saying that most of the people here do understand what you are going through.

Best of luck to you.  Here's hoping you will stick around.  And, elephant is right... try to find a counsellor... or a close confidant.   As hard as it might seem... forget about what other people say to you.  Being hiv positive isn't that uncommon.  Anyone who thinks it's something to gossip about is pretty much a waste of protein.

Chin up.  and ... hugs....
Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.

Offline positivmat

  • Member
  • Posts: 222
Re: Everything got messed up.
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2009, 11:12:05 PM »
Hey hang in there. I hope that you find the strength to take care of yourself. I just did the same thing. I brought hiv into my relationship of 13 years. My partner is staying by my side but the pain of my indiscretion, the reality of how I put him at risk and the whole hiv thing is heavy stuff. But at the end of the day you have to take care of you. My days are like a seesaw. One day I am not so bad and the next I am terribly depressed. I am mortified at myself that I did somethibg like this. I am grieving that I lost my health and my picket fence relationship. But it is getting better day by day and I hope you can believe that right now cause I wasn't able to believe it when I was diagnosed on 1/30. Getting a therapist, going to a support group and taking a little more control day by day helps. I still have bad days. Easter was tough. But there have been some incredible changes in me during this process. I am a little less arrogant, more thoughtful and less rigid than I was. I still wish I didn't do this. But I did and I will make this situation a part of me that changes me for the better. I hope you can find the part of yourself that loves yourself unconditionally and props yourself up while you adjust. You will need to really come to terms with you and what you did and what that means. On my bad days I try to take in all my feelings and let them go through me. Some days I spend the whole day on it. Other days I get by with a few minutes or even an hour between the bad feelings. But I will pay attention to these feelings til I get the whole message. You have already reached out here. There are plenty of great people here to talk to. Keep talking and reaching out. Its a rough road but for some reason you needed to express something and now you need to see where this takes you. Take extra good care of yourself.

Offline Tower311

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  • Posts: 9
  • We Would That Words Become Shooting Stars...
Re: Everything got messed up.
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2009, 11:36:37 AM »
Elephant, Scott, Matt,

Guys, thanks so much.

Last night I reached out to a friend that I hadn't spoken to in at least 6 months.  He and I lost touch because my boyfriend didn't like him and was jealous of our friendship, so I pushed him away.  Thankfully, he had missed me and my company - I was so nervous to tell him - but I knew he would understand.  He's dated poz guys and really has a sensitivity to the issues that I'll be dealing with.  He held me while I cried and let me sleep on his couch.  I haven't rested so well in a week.  Today, I feel a little more empowered.  I realized last night that my spirit is bruised, but that this journey is going to make it so much stronger.  Even stronger than it was before.  In the past 3 1/2 years of my relationship, I had forgotten a lot of who I am.  My identity got swallowed up and I was trying to find strength in my partner.  I used to value my compassion and clarity of vision.  There was a time when going to a place where such risky behavior was common wouldn't even have been a consideration.  It wouldn't have even been on my radar.  I'm beginning to realize that my relationship with my partner should end.  At least for now.  We've both got to care about who we are and what we deserve before we can even begin to be good to someone else or eachother.  It's so much easier said than done.  I really do love him.  Saying goodbye to him is much harder for me than knowing I have a virus inside me that would like to kill me.

It's still very sad.  I can't undo the past.  I can't make better/wiser/more empowered choices retroactively.  So, I can take these hard lessons and be a man of integrity and real power starting right now. 

I'm actually looking forward to going to the Dr. on Friday morning.  I'm nervous, but I have a million questions and I've always been fascinated with biology.  I know I can do this.  I'm starting to build a network of support - I really appreciate this forum and the mission here.  I'm glad we're all in this together.

Offline BlueMoon

  • Member
  • Posts: 665
  • Calling from the Fun House
Re: Everything got messed up.
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2009, 09:15:06 PM »
Infection and rejection are hard enough to handle singly, never mind combined.  It's good to see that you are facing up to the changes, and getting support.  Your life isn't over, just different.
08/10-- ......<40.....290.....42
05/10-- ......<48.....290.....46
02/10-- ......<48.....481.....44
10/09-- ......<48.....277.....46
07/09-- ......<48.....300.....38
05/09-- ........51.....449.....39
03/09-- Added Isentress
02/09-- ........65.....299.....34
11/08-- ........62.....242.....40
08/08-- ........66.....212.....29
05/08-- ......202.....217.....27
03/08-- ....5210.....187.....21
02/08-- Began Truvada/Reyataz/Norvir
12/07-- 273,000.....157.....22
11/07-- 229,000.....209.....22
10/07-- Diagnosis

It's a complex world.

Offline Ann

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  • Member
  • Posts: 28,138
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Everything got messed up.
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2009, 07:31:08 AM »

I realized last night that my spirit is bruised, but that this journey is going to make it so much stronger.  Even stronger than it was before. 


It's still very sad.  I can't undo the past.  I can't make better/wiser/more empowered choices retroactively.  So, I can take these hard lessons and be a man of integrity and real power starting right now.

Absolutely. When I was first diagnosed, I went through several months of what I called "navel gazing". I learned a lot about myself - good and bad - and I made the conscious decision to change the bad and nurture the good. The whole experience ended up making me a stronger and more compassionate person. We all have the choice of how we deal with being positive and it sounds like you're making choices that will be good for you.

I know I can do this.  I'm starting to build a network of support - I really appreciate this forum and the mission here.  I'm glad we're all in this together.

Yes! You can  do this. I'm glad you found us.

Hang in there, you're going to be alright.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts


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