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Author Topic: Too scared!!!  (Read 2292 times)

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Offline fallenguy

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Too scared!!!
« on: March 24, 2009, 10:33:43 PM »
Hello everyone, I am the newbie and here's my story... In 1990 I had a terrible rash on my stomach and back. A special came on T.V. and I saw a AIDS patient with the same rash on their stomach and back that I had, I was scared to death. I started loosing weight fast. I just knew I was HIV+. I was married with 2 kids. During my marriage, I had unprotected sex with other women. Big mistake!!!! For the next 5 years I did nothing. I just waited to see when I was going to get sick. I waited to see if my wife was going to get sick. I  was a coward!!!!

We had a very bad marriage, always very stressfull, my wife came up with shingles and I thought this was it. She went to the doctor and they gave her some meds and never tested her for HIV. Everytime she went to the doctor for her annual I would stress out to no end. This went on a couple more years and finally we divorced.

Remarried and 12 years later and I still haven't tested. I'm still not sick but I've been tormented everyday by the thought that I have AIDS. I made up a story to my new wife that I love pulling out and I have never cum inside her. I know precum could still infect her but I was fucking stupid!!! I hated myself. I've never cheated on my new wife and we are completely happy but all think about is one day, she'll find out the truth about me.

My wife wanted to start a family this year, for the last 8 months I've been so stressed out I couldn't function because I Knew we both had to be tested at some time and the gig would be up. In Dec we both started getting night sweats and one of her lumpnods was large. I was freaking out. She thought it was just a small infection. But I knew better... I put off getting tested, she thought I didn't want to have a baby. I was just to scared to hear the words from a doc that I was HIV+ What a fuckin pussy I was.

I found this site last month knowing I was going to get tested soon I needed some insight. I read almost every post and I was moved to no end, Andy, rappidRod Ann your words were simply amazing. I learned sooo much. I felt so stupid about HIV. The only comfort I had was coming home and logging on to this site. I feel like a different person now, one who understands more. I gathered my balls today, and after more then 15 years of denail I got tested...It came back neg. I worried for 17 years, lost lots of weight, self respect, lost my mind at some point. I'm soooo ashamed!! People, don't live a lie like me, the only way to know for sure is to just get tested..  :-\ 

Offline Andy Velez

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  • Posts: 31,724
Re: Too scared!!!
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2009, 07:51:52 AM »
That's great that you tested negative and that you finally put an end to worrying about your status. Man, you sure put yourself through it for a long, long time.

Celebrate that happy result and get on with your life.


Andy Velez

Offline fallenguy

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  • Posts: 2
Re: Too scared!!!
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2009, 11:00:04 AM »
Thanks Andy I will!! Reading your words, really changed my life.

 Forever grateful


Offline Andy Velez

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  • Member
  • Posts: 31,724
Re: Too scared!!!
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2009, 11:17:43 AM »
You're welcome.

Get on with enjoying your life -- safely.

Andy Velez


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