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Author Topic: Hurting  (Read 4944 times)

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Offline browneyes1976

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  • Posts: 3
« on: February 02, 2009, 12:37:18 PM »

This is my first time every posting my business out to the world but everyone close to me don't understand my issues so I hope to find someone who can relate to what I'm going through.

I am having issues with taking my meds I've been fighting with this for 12 years now, but my doctors tell me I am running out of medications options.  In the past when I started meds I do good for 6months but then I just shut down and stop taking them.  My new regimen is more than what I'm use to I want to take them but when i look at the meds I get sick to my stomach.  I don't want to get an OI just for being stubborn but this is a hurting time for me.  I have a wonderful husband and a 11yr old daughter who needs me but I can't get over it.  I am hurting !!!!

Offline cjc

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Re: Hurting
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2009, 02:27:21 PM »
Honey, I am sorry you are hurting and having a hard time taking your medicine. I want to welcome you here and invite you to tell us more about yourself. I am Cristy. I post most often in the womens thread, we talk and there are some great people on this site. Hope to hear more from you.    Cristy

Offline browneyes1976

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Re: Hurting
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2009, 03:08:31 PM »
Hi Christy,

I am 32yrs old I was diagnosed in September 1996 in October I found out I was pregnant which was a really hard pregnancy.  I was infected by my daughter's father who died in 2004 I was very angry for a long time and still is...   I try to live a normal life (not +) but I feel like all my dreams were thrown away.  I was once a Christian but even going to church I still didn't have support now I just go out drinking not to get drunk but just to get out of my way (if that makes any sense)..  I had counseling that didn't work for me, my docs tried to give me antidepressant which I won't take.  I don't know how to explain how I really feel about this!!  I have tried a support group with other females but it was too much drama for me so I pulled away the leader has tried to help but she has her own issues to worry about.  I do need a good support system, where women know how to be a mother, wife, child, friend and healthy HIV+ and still manage. I'm all over the place  :-[

Offline cjc

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  • Sweet Girl
Re: Hurting
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2009, 07:45:49 PM »
Browneyes, I am very glad to meet you. I think you would really enjoy the ladies thread. There are very nice women there, not much drama but we keep it real. I find the ladies here to be very supportive. I am 36, diagnosed in September of 2004 and I have 2 sons, a five year old and a 19 year old. There are ladies here who have been positive much longer than I and they really give good advice. Sometimes I find myself angry but try to just talk it out with the ladies or just vent.   Come join us. Wishing the best for you and hoping you can find peace.    Cristy

Offline BT65

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Re: Hurting
« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2009, 08:38:03 PM »

Welcome to the forums, particularly our little women's family. I've been diagnosed what will be 20 years the 12th of this month.  It's been a long haul, believe me.

I understand about not wanting to take the meds.  I've been taking HIV meds for almost the whole 20 years I've been diagnosed.  The good thing is, the meds are much better today than they were back then.  They work better, and the side effects aren't nearly as bad.  And, they're keeping people alive much, much longer.  Even though I don't like to take meds, I dislike being very ill more.  So, I do what I have to do.

If you're having a very serious issue with meds, and other things, I'd give counseling another shot.  Sometimes it takes more than one (or even two) time to find a therapist you click with.  It took me a few tries.  Of course, we're here also.  And if the women's support group was too much for you (I'm assuming it was an HIV support group), try a different one. 

I echo what Christy said about joining us in the "ladies' thread."  It's where we women talk about our daily lives, struggles, little victories, and support each other.  We're really a good bunch, and all the ladies are very supportive.  I look forward to hearing more from you.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline Snowangel

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Re: Hurting
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2009, 09:54:32 PM »
Welcome Browneyes,
I was infected in 94 but not diagnosed until Jan of 97. I was infected by my oldest sons father. I cried for hours the first day I brought my meds home because I had realized I would have to depend on them for the rest of my life. But like Betty said, you do what you have to do.
I would definately try to find another counselor or another positive female you can talk to. Try to figure out what is stopping you, are you afraid of someone finding out you are one meds? Don't want to deal with the stigma? Is your husband positive, does your daughter know of your status?
You are right, you don't want to get an OI and run out of meds that would help you.  Please try to get back on track and we will be here for you when you want to talk.  Don't be afraid to say anything you want, try to unload what you are feeling and most likely one of us will have dealt with at one time or another. I think it was around 98, when I was attending one of my first support groups, I started crying and sobbed that I was upset that I would never be able to go swimming in a pool again, so after everyone stopped laughing( with me, not at me ;D) they let me know I still could go swimming and why.  I think I knew the answer deep down, I was just concerned about infecting someone else and lost my ability to think it through. I know what you are going through is a lot different but I just  wanted to let you know, how much it helps to talk to someone else, who might see things in a different light.
Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.


  • Guest
Re: Hurting
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2009, 02:07:32 AM »
Hie Browneyes

Girl you've made it 12 years post-diagnosis, you dont want to throw that away do you?  I was also angry when i was diagnosed and felt like life wasnt much living anymore. I'm into my fourth year post-diagnosis and i want to live for as long as i possibly can, and if it means taking damn pills i will do it. I hope you give counselling another try and you find a great counsellor who can make a difference.  Your family needs you, the world still needs you.  We're here for you, feel free to shout and scream and vent with us :-*

Offline browneyes1976

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  • Posts: 3
Re: Hurting
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2009, 09:28:56 AM »
 Thank you ladies for your feedback and honesty.  To answer your questions my husband is negative and my daughter does not know I haven't had the courage to talk to her but I know the time has to come soon she will be 12 next month and she see my hurt.  I will try to give counseling another try this will be the 5th. 

Offline peregrine

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  • I live in the fire & I extinguish it!
Re: Hurting
« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2009, 06:32:33 PM »
I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from.  First of all, I hate taking medicine.  I've been like that ALL my life.  In fact, (don't these things come back to haunt you?...) I always said that if I ever had to take medication for a chronic condition I would probably die, because I know I hate takiing medication! 
Now, I am not taking meds as yet but have been taking some supplements as a kind of way to get used to taking something on a daily basis.  Most of the time I take them, but I do occasionally forget.  Nevertheless, I know that when the time comes to take the meds, I will have to do it or put I with being sick and eventually dying. 
So, I will have to resign myself to taking them.  Fortunately, Atripla is a very good medication which only needs to be taken once a day at bedtime.
Believe me, everything in me rebels against having this virus.  I am probably like a poster child of someone who does not "look like" they are HIV +.  But, I do have it and I have to deal with it as distasteful as it is to me.
Don't think of it as medication.  Think of it as a lifesaver, because that is what it is.
Good luck to you.



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