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Author Topic: Up and down  (Read 1149 times)

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Offline lusopt

  • Member
  • Posts: 61
Up and down
« on: December 24, 2008, 10:20:41 PM »
Here I am, writting this words on christmas, being reunited with all my family stangely made me feel bad, specially when they started to talk about a man who was infected with HIV and Hepatits B, and died of leukemia, i felt like a stranger all of a sudden  :-[, and now im so insecure again, damn, since i was told about my diagnosis i think of HIV at all time, there are days when i feel fine, secure that i wont get nothing bad, but other times i feel so depressed, so fuk.... sad i just think of death, of cancer, of diseases, why the hell my doctor says that iŽll be fine, if i always hear some new story of someone who died with HIV, what the hell should i do, i want to forget even if its just for one minute that i have this, im just getting crazy,  loosing my mind, i cry and cry and cry. I always feel tired, my head is always hurting me, and i dont know if it is normal or its something bad coming of this virus, i dont want to die, i dont want to take meds forever, i want my life back, my happyness, my smile...  :'(

Sorry for sharing this words, its stupid and selfish, but i just felt the need of putting it out right now, and this is the only place i can do it.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2008, 10:25:09 PM by lusopt »
15/11/06: HIV-
28/10/08: HIV +
- No Meds -
18/11/08: CD4 -650 (.......)  / -17.500 VL
01/03/09: CD4- 540 (19,6%) / - 2090 VL
17/07/09: CD4 -603 (20,1%) / - 5040 VL
27/10/09: CD4 -627 (21,5%) / - 10.896 VL
25/03/10: CD4 -609 (23,9%) / -11.602 VL
12/09/10: CD4 -555 (........) / - 55.500 VL
21/04/11: CD4 -466 (17%)   / - 50.339 VL
01/10/11: CD4 -375 (19%)   / - 73.058 VL

Started, Epzicom and Sustiva
01/02/12: CD4 -298 (23%)   / - undetectable

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,785
Re: Up and down
« Reply #1 on: December 25, 2008, 05:12:59 AM »

Most of us have been exactly where you're at (and some of us probably still are).  It took me a good while before I didn't let HIV affect every part of my day.  When I was diagnosed people were dropping like flies, and I just waited until it was my turn.

The good news that you logically know, but don't feel yet, is that the meds today for HIV are extremely superior to those in the past, doctors are more familiar with how to control OI's etc.  And there's no reason why you won't live a long life. 

So you don't want to take meds for the rest of your life, who does?  There are other conditions people here take meds for, like diabetes, high cholesterol etc., so what difference does taking meds for HIV make?  Because it reminds us every time what we have?  Well, that's just something we have to come to terms with ourselves. 

Good luck to you.  If you need to keep venting, go ahead.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline hotpuppy

  • Member
  • Posts: 555
Re: Up and down
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2008, 02:09:33 PM »
  It's good to get it off your chest... Keep writing.  It's also good that you care.  The fact that you care shows that you have a heart, and it would be a tragedy if HIV took that from you.

  Some people don't understand, and despite leading the horse to the water trough, we can't make them drink the knowledge we offer. 

  When I was younger, and working in an IT job. A boss said to me, "Expectation becomes reality."  At the time I thought he was absurd.  A fool.  Then I thought about it and realized he was right.  If people expected the IT team to be a bunch of jerks, low and behold we were a bunch of jerks to them.  I later realized that I could empower my own life with this phrase.  If we expect misery, depression, and unhappiness, we will create it and it will surround us.  If on the other hand we expect to outlive our family, be healthy, take our meds, and live a long life surrounded by people we love..... we have a much better chance at it.

What do you expect in life?  What are you working to create?

Those are the questions to ask yourself.  You needn't answer them to me.  Your answer needn't be the same as mine.  I would encourage you to have a positive outlook on life and let nobody take the joy of life from you. 
May your holidays be filled with joy.
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline tag_man08

  • Member
  • Posts: 118
  • Keep Dreaming!!!
Re: Up and down
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2008, 03:42:35 AM »
Its only been 2 months...so these feelings are normal.....the good thing is you told someone...and we listened...this website saved my heart and soul months ago....I'm only been positive for 1.5 years...but I feel like I have grown so much by so many stories from this website....i'll add what my first boss told me (as hotpuppy) ---always associate yourself with winners and you will go far---so...i even applied that to this website and really like reading certain people's posts....you can get a lot of helpful support here....just find youself someone to talk too...even if its one person...and you will see that every day will get better....you life is not over....who cares if you take a pill every day...i was taking vitamins every day before all of this....so it was just a few more i added to my schedule...

But having a good support system is key right now....and every day will get better.....if you need to cry...then cry....because eventually you want cry anymore....and use that energy to do something for yourself.....get out and look at the world....there is still so much out there for you to enjoy...you're gonna die of old age first before HIV kills you with the new drugs out today....you are gonna be fine....and remember we are here for you....you are a winner....
08/30/07:  The HIV diagnosis...
09/07/07:  CD4 299 (21%)  VL 160K
01/07/08:  CD4 396 (26%)  VL 125K
04/21/08:  CD4 478 (25%)  VL 92K
09/03/08:  CD4 313 (23%)  VL 10K
11/03/08:  CD4 338 (23%)  VL 30K
11/21/08:  Isentress & Truvada
12/05/08:  CD4 485 (29%)  VL  undetectable in two weeks
03/13/09:  CD4 575 (30%)  VL  undetectable


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