Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
November 17, 2017, 10:06:34 PM

Login with username, password and session length

  • Total Posts: 722390
  • Total Topics: 58698
  • Online Today: 331
  • Online Ever: 1421
  • (August 13, 2016, 05:18:44 AM)
Users Online


Welcome to the POZ Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: How do i let go  (Read 6138 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline postivelybeautiful27

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
How do i let go
« on: December 08, 2008, 09:04:47 AM »
hi i have been infected for 3 yrs now by my African born husband of 4 years, i believe that he knew he was infected an just was concerned with his own selfishness, well here is my story i met my husband on the internet on my birthday i believe he was the answer to my prays i was so unhappy and self-destructive because i am a big girl i thought that i would be alone forever i needed some one to love me so a few weeks later we arraigned for me to go meet him and 2 weeks later we were married, i asked him has he ever been with anyone etc etc standard questions he said just one person ever ( liar) he said that he loved me and wanted to make a life for us and him being Muslim and African they really didn't date( i was young and dumb) he was looking to settle down with a wife not a girlfriend. So 2 weeks later we were married i could see from there i had made a mistake in our wedding pictures he didn't smile people thought that i had married his friend because he looked so happy i asked him why he didn't look happy he said he was just reserved he did not want to be drunk with happiness as i write this tears are streaming down my face how could i be so stupid and so a day after we marry i go back home to prepare for him to come stay at my families home after i got married and didn't tell anyone, i have never told anyone how we really met i felt ashamed.. but anyways they tried to accept him because they love me and so he was invited to come and live with my family while their he stayed in the room never looked anyone in the eye and refused every invitation to go anywhere or do anything and one day i was on my computer and saw a email from this women fro NY he was suppose to go see her, what made it so worse is i was not alone when the email popped up my best friend was there reading it then my brother showed and mom  and then everyone else in the house came to see my embarrassment and pain.. He said he just did it to see how much i care my family was mad and i was in shock and pain we had just married not even 2 months and so i convinced my family to back off after he promised never to do it again.. Well then the next hurdle came i had to adjust his status for immigration so he could work( i was told that he was working at a bank before i went to see him) and so i got the papers and so to file it cost 2000 and he needed a lawyer which could run from 3 to 5000 me being a college student could no way afford it and he separated from my family and so they wouldn't band couldn't help so he left me to go back to were he was when we married to work under the table he promised he would send for me he was gone 4 months and we hardly ever talked to each other he was always busy or tired. so after 5 months he finally sent for me. So i was in a metropolitan city for the first time in my life no family there just him(after my mother advised against it she said he was not for me i told her i just had to see, don't want regrets) I found my way around all by myself while he worked over night and slept all day. one day i was going through his email by then i definitely didn't trust  and i saw an email dated before we me to his friend in Europe asking for money because his wife had just had a baby and he wanted to have a ceremony and name the baby after him. I confronted him about this at first he said he didn't know what i was talking about so i showed him, he said that he was just telling his friend that so that he can help him with money so he could come to America so i told him that he was either lying to me or to his friend anyway it goes your a liar. This man never took me anywhere hardly spoke to me and never held me..So time goes on he finally has enough money to file his papers and get a lawyer so he goes through his friends lawyer and i found out hen that adjusting his status was not going to be easy because he was here illegally on a j-1 student Visa which means he was suppose to be her for school but never enrolled and before he can adjust his status he had to go home for 2 yrs and then come back and before we ever met he had a meeting with a lawyer to file asylum and so before we ever married i asked him and he said that if he wanted to marry someone to stay in this country he would not marry someone so young was on 2 yrs old because they can have children he would have got someone old  and i  for ins you have to get a physical and all kinds of test. well he goes and unbeknown to me was infected and waited 2 months to tell me i could have been knocked over by a feather i could not feel anything it was i watching myself from outside my body. So he takes me to get tested the rapid test person wasn't there so i had to wait 2 weeks and finally the time came to go get the test and he let me go by myself he was tired. he has only gone with me to the Doctor 1 time ever. And as i sit there and hear those dreaded words you are positive my heart just broke. I am the generation that grew up with hiv/aids info shoved down our throat i had always been careful this was my husband, i was so ashamed on my long ride home. so i finally reach him and he ask me nothing says nothing he was just bitching about the TV so i stand up with my heeled boots on and stomped as hard as i  could on his foot twice and he jumped up and try-ed to hit me so we started fighting right there in front of our roommate( oh yeah a man who thought he could just touch me whenever). And so after i find out i avoided my mom and everyone i didn't want them to tell me they told me so.. but anyways he goes to his lawyer and finishes out his paper work( yeah i stayed) his lawyer sent org documents to ins, sends a bogus docter report saying he wasn't positive and totally sends in wrong app. I'm not a lawyer but i know that's not right but he didn't listen because his friends told him he was a good lawyer. SO the lawyer waste his money his application was denied and so he has to start all over and roomate gets married and moves out so he loses his job and we can't afford apartment were staying in , and so i finally break down and tell my mom whats going on i was so scared to disappoint her( this man was upset because i told her i was positive) and so i had to go where my brother was and he went to his friends house( he didn't want to impose himself on his friend to ask if i could stay too) but when i get to my brothers it the lowest time of my life my mom lied and told him i had cancer because i made her promise not to tell anyone else and so i told him i didn't have cancer but i refused to tell him what the problem was and so he was mad at me and mean so i left to go to my moms house. i was there 2 weeks before he sent for me again. he promised me we could make this work and so like a fool i go again, to make long story short he continued to cheat on me wouldn't let me touch him never said he loved me i paid for everything when i had trouble paying he turned his back on me and said it was my fault told me if i got pregnant that i would be responsible for everything, finally got him apt through org helping people living with hiv/ kicked me out and put me on the street i had 20Min's to get my stuff or i would be arrested/ wouldn't let me get the rest of my stuff after i left the city because i said i wasn't helping with immigration issues and i wanted a divorce. My self esteem is so low now and i don't know how to build it up i just need to learn how to let go. I finally came clean with whole family and they didn't say i told you so and i try one day at time but i am still lonely and scared and very very hurt down to the bottom of my soul and he is still tring to play with me he says he loves me  but ibelieve he doesn't or he doesn't know what love is( but i believe he doesn't even like me )

Offline Snowangel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,416
Re: How do i let go
« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2008, 09:37:15 AM »
Welcome PositivelyBeautiful!
I am glad you were able to find this site.  My advice to you would be to stop all contact with this guy, he doesn't deserve a second of your time.  He is a manipulator and no matter what he says, he is only going to keep using you.  Listen to your gut and stay away from him.  If you can, get a divorce lawyer, and if you have anything to say to him, do it through the lawyer.  Maybe he will get the hint. 
I know this is all easier said than done but you need to keep telling yourself that you are worth it.
It took me having a child with the guy that infected me, to finally get away.  I had suffered years of physical and mental abuse and realized he would do the same to my son, if I didn't leave for good.  I cut my losses and got out, left everything except clothes and things for the baby.  I had to take out a loan to pay off the tens of thousands he charged on my credit cards. It is going to be hard but you can do it.
Concentrate on you.  Finish school.  Spend time with friends and family.
There is really no easy way to let go unless you happen to have enough money to move far away and start fresh. You have to have the mental strength to keep away from him and not listen or believe his lies anymore.

Good luck.  We are here for you!

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.


  • Guest
Re: How do i let go
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2008, 01:41:15 AM »
im glad u jumped on his foot girl. wish you'd broken it. he certainly deserved more than that.  what an evil man, i wish there was a way you can make him pay for all that he's put you through, get him deported or arrested or something. but i agree with snow, u need to rise above this and do you now. you have your family spporting you and thats so important. i wish you all the best

Offline postivelybeautiful27

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
Re: How do i let go
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2008, 11:11:09 AM »
thanks for all the support i thought about getting him deported and all but decided that God could do so much morre than i could ever imagine because doesn't like ugly and what he has done is very very ugly once again thanks you have brighten my day


  • Guest
Re: How do i let go
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2008, 02:40:57 PM »
I don't know what to tell you...
I would want to solve this too. Find out why he does not love me.
I could only suggest not being there for him!! You're his caring woman that is why he calls you. Remember you aren't his Mother, you're suppose to be his wife.
If you aren't there it would be forcing him to decide where to go next. Sometimes love means letting people go. Letting someone go alone to face the consequences of how they treated you.
Someone like you is hard to find. You keep forgiving, even if you were to get angry, you forgave and he is the reminder. No one likes having sh--t thrown in their face, in other words his presence is like having sh-t thrown in your face.
If you can take care of this creep, you can handle anything. Look at how much you learned about the student visa.
Can I just say this is an example of why life is a learning experience. Wow he is getting far because of your efforts. No matter what he says!!!
And I know it sucks to feel this way, I know, I am sure lots of people know! I really hope you do what makes you happy.
« Last Edit: December 09, 2008, 02:44:07 PM by bleueyes »


  • Guest
Re: How do i let go
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2008, 02:51:33 PM »
I would also like to add that if you don't know everything about a student visa, than that is OK.
You know something.
I used to hate myself... I knew all about the ways to fill out divorce forms, restraining orders and expungments. I can not tell you everything, as I don't want to relive it.
Everything I learned had something to do with the man who infected me.
Not saying you need to be the same, just take the knowledge and used it that is all. A person who does this will be respected despite her experiences... meaning you took a negative and turned it into a positive!
One day a good man will sit next to you and want to hear your experience. And truly none of this is your fault.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,785
Re: How do i let go
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2008, 09:26:39 AM »

I can tell you this man is used to scamming people, especially women, and if you continue to be present in his life, things will never get better.  He is only looking out for himself; that's all he knows and that's what he'll continue to do.  Divorce him and be done with it.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf


Offline kajnjewel

  • Member
  • Posts: 71
  • Living Life with a Passion!
Re: How do i let go
« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2008, 01:48:18 AM »
Letting Go is not easy, but hon when it comes to your sanity and peace of mind that IS what one must do in a situation as yours.  I am not sure if you met and married here in the US BUT there are laws for people that infect other people knowing that they are indeed positive and it can entail some jail time.  Please find a lawyer - Go to Legal Aid if you do not have the money and wash this man right out of your hair honey and do it as soon as possible.

Now that you are positive there is nothing worst on your immune system than all of the stress this jerk is putting you through.  You, my dear, are worth so much more.  After talking to a lawyer and it is found that he willingly and knowingly infected you and jail time is a possiblity then maybe threatening him with such by pressing charges then maybe he will get the message to leave you alone.

Remember - you must let go no matter what if you want to live a long and prosperous life with HIV.  He just ain't worth it girlfirend!!!!
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world will cry and you will rejoice!

Offline tinashura

  • Member
  • Posts: 7
Re: How do i let go
« Reply #8 on: January 06, 2009, 06:07:04 AM »
hello positivelybeutiful,
      i'm glad that you're out of there.you don't need to be thinking how to move on because you,ve  already moved on and that is the best thing to do.i always thought that when you are diagnosed pos,god is trying to give you a second chance;a chance to recollect yorself,appreciate life better and try to make the best out of life.that don't seem to be the case with your ex-husband.he still don't get it and he really doesn't care.You're worth more than that.he will definately meet somebody who will put him straight.file for divorce and go yourway.thank god you have a very supportive family.concentrate on your studies and and try to enjoy life. good luck

Offline Veritee

  • Member
  • Posts: 180
    • Post Natal Illness Support
Re: How do i let go
« Reply #9 on: January 06, 2009, 06:21:27 AM »
Dear positivelybeutiful

I am in the UK, where are you living?

Thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry that you have gone through what you have.

I have nothing more I can add that others have not said so I just want to welcome you to this forum and hope you will stay around here.

As to moving on - it is difficult - I was angry for a while but I have found that HIV has not marked the end of my life as a feared but the beginning of another life. I am still with my husband who infected me but my story is very different as he is a good man and we get on well with each other

But we both had to move on - I don't know how we have done it but we have, and one thing we have both learned is that stress when you have HIV is the worst thing you can have. And while we have chosen to remain together if we had caused each other continuing stress we would have dumped each other as we would have needed to to live and survive

Good luck

I have a blog here, please do not judge me on what I say here- I need to offload and this is where I do it: http://hiv-and-us.blogspot.com/

Offline camille07

  • Member
  • Posts: 574
Re: How do i let go
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2009, 09:31:48 AM »
Hello and welcome to the forum
Thank you for sharing your story.

Whether or not this man loves you is irrelevant.  What is relevant is that you need to stay away from this person.  He is a liar and manipulator who is using you.  You are a woman who deserves much better.  If you continue to be with this person you will continually be hurt.   Focus on the people in your life who do love you.  They are the ones who deserve your attention.

Hugs and hang in there.


Offline netta

  • Member
  • Posts: 396
Re: How do i let go
« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2009, 12:07:47 PM »
  :-*Dear Pos Beautiful, YOU are positve and YOU are beautiful!!!!!. first off baby girl drop the dead weight! He can go to jail for knowingly infecting you!!!! He clearly married you to get his citizenship. I wouldnot be suprised if he were already married !!!! he is a scammer!!! Baby girl you are young, and naive, and now you have learned a painful lesson.Pick yourself up and shake yourself loose, forgive yourself. God loves you, the bible says he made you in his image!!! You also have a loving family that cares very much for you. I think you should make YOU, your number one priority, you said"he doesn't even like me"Baby you must like you!!! Get some help,and support for yourself dealing with this virus. and your emotions.Something has happened to you to make you believe the lie that you are not worthy of true love.Get to the root  of the problem! You are stronger than you think!!
You will heal from this only when you decide to let go, speaking from experience, girl believe me, you are gonna get through this and be a stronger woman and one day meet a man who will appreciate you, love you and give you beautiful babies!!!! you can live with this disease, I speak life into your soul !!! have him deported, and stay away, you have the power !!! get your education and whatever else you need for you! and Thank God you ae not in jail for killing the bastard, because I sure would be !!!!! >:(
Take care , you have people hear that care about you and welcome, sorry we are meeting under these circumstances. much love and  hugs .(((((  :-*))))))
« Last Edit: January 23, 2009, 12:16:32 PM by netta »
"to thine own self be true"


Terms of Membership for these forums

© 2017 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.