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Author Topic: Desperate and in need of advice.  (Read 4071 times)

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Offline mustbeconvincing

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Desperate and in need of advice.
« on: December 05, 2008, 02:21:46 pm »
I would like to start by saying thank you to everyone that has made this site what it is.  Ive been lurking around on these forums for roughly six months now and I have been fortunate enough to become increasingly educated on a daily basis.  I guess I'll start by explaining my situation and then move on to my question.

Up until 5 days ago I was involved in a serodiscordant relationship.  I was the negative partner and my girlfriend was the positive.  We have known each other for over 2 years and moved into a romantic relationship back in May.  Shortly after becoming exclusive she made the decision to leave the country to be with a family member battling terminal cancer.  While she was gone she became incredibly ill and finally decided to have some blood work done.  It was at this time that she discovered she was HIV+.  She divulged her status to me the same night she found out.  I'll admit that the first few days were hard for me.  Besides the fact that we were dealing with both a new and long distance relationship this was just one more factor to add to the puzzle.  Unfortunately at the time I will say that I was not educated on the subject in the slightest bit.  I had the retro mindset that this was a death sentence for her and the prospect of us spending our lives together had just been cast out the window.  I spent the next few days educating myself and spending countless hours surfing through multiple websites and forums.  Although I had negative thoughts flowing through my mind after finding out about her status I never once voiced those fears and instantly became supportive.  I told her I would start doing some research and try to gain a better grasp on the situation at hand.  I became familiar with T-cells, CD4 counts, medications, etc...  Even I was surprised to find out about all of the advances that have been made in this field and I have never been put at ease so quickly in my life.  I was overjoyed to hear that there were many people involved in -/+ relationships and that they were living very fulfilling lives together.  I slowly developed a very positive outlook for our future together and over time those fears subsided. 

We continued our relationship over the phone spending hours upon hours utilizing the only connection we could at that point.  Everything seemed to be perfect.  We often spoke of experiences we couldn't wait to share with one another upon her return.  As the months crept by I began to notice that our discussions about her returning home and the two of us being able to really jump start our relationship became less and less frequent.  Finally I voiced my concerns to her last week and was less than enthusiastic to hear her response.  She came to realize that she was truly enjoying herself at home with her family.  Rebuilding multiple relationships and starting new ones with individuals she had long considered to not be part of her life.  She went from "just visiting" to "just living".  Although I was very disheartened by this recent development I remained the supportive partner and told her that I was incredibly happy for her and the recent reconnection with her loved ones.  I even went as far as to tell her that she sounded very content and that it might even be best for her to stay there for an extended amount of time.  Yes... I tried reverse psychology and it failed miserably.  At that point we agreed to end our relationship and proceed as friends. 

That night she became incredibly emotional and decided that drinking was her solution for it.  During her intoxication she decided to call me and let me know how much she missed me.  It was at this time that she let me in on the real reason we were not together yet.  Over the past few months she has begun to develop a fear of being in a relationship with me because she worries about passing the virus onto me. I tried everything in my power to convince her to reconsider.  From discussing methods of transmission to the idea of not engaging in sexual intercourse.  Nothing seemed to dissuade her from her decision. 

I apologize for the lengthly post but I guess this is just months and months of built up frustration finally rising to the surface....

My question is to all of the -/+ couples out there.  Ive seen countless stories of the - partner becoming scared and ending the relationship. Now I'm looking to hear from the other side.  Are there any + partners out there that at any time exhibited similar feelings?  Did you ever consider ending a relationship with someone you loved out of fear for their well being?  If that was the case was there anything specifically that put your mind at ease and allowed you to move forward with a positive mindset?  I'm looking for any suggestions at this point.  Ive never been one to take relationships seriously and now I am experiencing heart break for the first time.  Just a few days without talking hit me incredibly hard.  I don't want to trick her into believing that everything will be okay.  I want to be honest and upfront and convince her that we can be together and that if we are smart that we will be safe as well. Now I just need the right words and hopefully hearing from others in her position might enlighten me.

Thank you in advance for any help.

Offline pozmatt

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Re: Desperate and in need of advice.
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2008, 02:35:58 pm »
i am the + partner in my relationship with my girl and she was willing to endure it all wen she found out about my diagnosis. i was afraid for a while and did some stupid shit to push her away then when she said that she didnt know if she could be with me i was devastated and realized what i had only too late probably. i think there were a lot of reasons for me acting that way but one was a fear of her contracting hiv from me. so i see where ur girl is coming from but believe me its just as hard on her i think both partners suffer through this together the problem lies with enduring it
I am newly diagnosed and looking to make new friends. I am straight and transitioning out of the military back into the real world.

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
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Re: Desperate and in need of advice.
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2008, 10:10:50 am »
Hi, welcome to the forums.

I was the poz partner in a poz/neg relationship for a little over eight years. We were 18 months into the relationship when I was diagnosed - he tested negative (and does to this day).

We didn't use condoms during the first 18 months, he tested negative, so no, I never had any worries that I was going to infect him after diagnosis when we started using condoms.

Hiv is much more difficult to transmit from a woman to a man. As long as you two use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, there's no reason to worry. Read through all three condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use them with confidence.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline mustbeconvincing

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Re: Desperate and in need of advice.
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2008, 12:31:49 pm »
Thank you for the responses.  The two of us started to really discuss the situation over the weekend.  We both agreed that one of the biggest issues we have had is that we have rarely broached the topic in general.  I believe she is still adjusting to the whole idea and hasn't become completely comfortable discussing her status yet.  We agreed that in the future we would open the lines of communication up, especially when one of us has any questions or concerns.


You mentioned that HIV is more difficult to transmit from female to male.  I haven't been able to find any information on this yet.  If you have any links that the two of us could read together I would really appreciate it.  Information like that might be exactly what I need to put her fears at rest.


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