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Author Topic: How do I ask someone who is HIV+ out  (Read 4942 times)

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Offline ad96

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How do I ask someone who is HIV+ out
« on: November 09, 2008, 12:21:03 PM »
I need an advice.  I met this guy who is HIV+ and I am HIV-.  I like this guy a lot and want to see where we can take the relationship to.  The thing is that evenever we get closer, he pulls back saying he needs time and that he is under alot of stress (and I add to that stress).  I have a feeling that his vial stat is up and does not know how to deal with it.  He says he has accepted his HIV status and is in peace with it but I don't think he is. Evenever the subject comes-up, he shuts down and pushes me away.  I think I am first person since he became +.

How do I approach him? Will he ever open-up?  Is it me or is it him?  Confussed...


Offline mecch

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Re: How do I ask someone who is HIV+ out
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2008, 01:57:11 PM »
Kindly and politely ask him if you can talk about your feelings.  Then slowly but matter of factly present the same observations you wrote in this post to him. Try to frame your discussion around statements such as "I feel" "I would like" "I notice" and then he can respond, or not, the way he feels and thinks. 

Good luck
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx


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Re: How do I ask someone who is HIV+ out
« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2008, 09:00:55 AM »

Offline Joe K

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Re: How do I ask someone who is HIV+ out
« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2008, 05:00:47 PM »
The same way you would like to be asked out.  If you like the guy, ask him to coffee.  If he accepts, great, and if he declines, then you need to respect his boundary and leave him alone.  You are reading way too much into asking him out and if you approach him asking all kinds of questions, he may feel like you are controlling, or worse, needy.

Keep it light, keep it simple.  A cruel rule of life is that we do not always get what we want.  The pursuit of desires is fine, but not at the expense of someones feelings.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: How do I ask someone who is HIV+ out
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2008, 09:23:26 AM »
You're assuming his response or lack of same is all about his HIV status. That maybe some element in the formula but it also may have nothing to do with why he's resisting your overtrures.

Keep it simple and don't assume.

As others have indicated he just might not be interested. Or he might be going at a different pace than you would like.You need to respect those as possibiliities. ...Just as hopefully you would with anyone else, regardless of their HIV status.

Once you have let him know how you feel and that you would to know each other better or whatever it is you have in mind, let the chips fall where they may is my suggestion. He's already indicated he's feeling stressed. So be a real friend to him and don't add to it.
« Last Edit: November 15, 2008, 09:59:04 AM by Andy Velez »
Andy Velez

Offline OneTampa

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Re: How do I ask someone who is HIV+ out
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2008, 03:48:44 PM »
I agree with what the others have said with one additional note.  You have already been made aware of one excellent quality of your potential intended:  he was thoughtful enough to tell you of his HIV status before moving into any physical involvement.  I say that speaks volumes about his character.  I hope the rest works out for the both of you.
"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline hotpuppy

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Re: How do I ask someone who is HIV+ out
« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2008, 04:10:29 PM »
He may have issues with dating a HIV neg guy.  When all else fails, you could just ask.  Don't do it at your place or his.  Go somewhere neutral where you both feel comfortable talking. 

Another time honored tactic is to write him a letter.  Even if you don't actually give it to him, you may find that getting it off your mind can be helpful.  If you do give it to him it gives you an opportunity to be heard.

At the end of the day, you must accept the reality of what he does or does not want.  One thing that is particularly annoying to me, with Neg guys... is how some of them seem to have no regard for their own health.  I'm not saying that is the case with you.  I'm just telling you that you may want to make sure you aren't coming across that way.
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.


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