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Author Topic: Heartbroken and Alone  (Read 5077 times)

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Offline mister d

  • New Member
  • Posts: 2
Heartbroken and Alone
« on: October 12, 2008, 06:21:48 AM »
Hi guys, I'm Mr. D, and I used to be the happiest little fellow ever.

I just tested positive, and I don't know how to deal with my life around it.  I would like to vent:  I fell in love with the greatest man on earth.  He was everything to me and invoked many feelings that I've never experienced before.  The only thing was that he lived thousands of miles away.  He was going to law school here locally.  My life back at home was stagnantly happy:  I had a career that I loved, I had a great knit foundation of friends and family, and I had a laugh that made others laugh. But I wanted more than that, and so suddenly I decided to take a big step and move with the main goal of just becoming a bigger and better person.

The hard part was leaving my old home.  Especially since I came here only with one suit case in my hand and no job.  Since then, I've used up all my savings and got a temp job working at a call center (i'm still there).  It didn't matter because life was exciting since I was in a new place and now I was close to a man who gave me butterflys daily.

Then I tested positive, which came to me as a shock.  They followed up with a blot test, and the first person I called was my bf.  I thought he was going to leave me then, but he got mad and then started to hold me.  He said he would never leave me because of it, and that we would fight this together.  We had slipped up and had unprotected sex a few days earlier, so he started to get real nervous.  I quickly found myself starting to comfort him, as all we could do was wait for his window to get tested.

His nerves became paranoia, where he wouldn't eat, his apt. became sloppy, and he would constantly ask me if he was going to test positive.  He had really became very pessimistic.  Daily, I would hear, "I don't want to have this.  I'd rather die then having to tell my mom."  I prayed for him, comforted him, and for five weeks, I stayed nightly at his apt. just so he would know that someone was there for him.  During that time, I neglected to allow myself to process the news of my test result, and not being home at my apt. really made me forget what it was like to be home. 

The day I got my blot test results back, he came with me.  I got my confirmation and we went to his car.  Then I told him that I was really positive.  The first words out of his mouth were, "Oh God, I'm going to have it."

We still had some time before he could test.  During that time, he continued needing comfort, me telling him every few minutes that it'll be OK.  He wouldn't touch me, kiss me, and at times he wouldn't look me in the eye.  I felt dirty.  He was convinced that he had it.  He would spend hours researching symptoms and blogs.  He would continuouslly stroke and pinch his neck looking for lymph nodes that he himself induced red marks.  He would constantlly check his temperature, ask me if his back and chest pimples looked HIV-related.

There were numerous times where something "normal" would scare him.  For example, I was lying on his bed and gave him room to sit right next to me.  He came over and his hands brushed my arm.  He stopped tending to his appearance, so his nail was real long.  I didn't think anything of it, but noticed that he wasn't next to me and in the bathroom.  I peeked and saw him kneeling on the ground of his bathroom, rinsing for minutes.  He came back with a bandaid.  I asked him if he cut himself on my arm, he said no, but he thought he cut my arm.  My arm was fine.  He kept that bandaid on for days and he panicked that he opened blood on my arm and transmitted the virus to him.

He couldn't wait anylonger so he tested himself.  Oraquick said negative.  I was relieved, I thought all that fear was over.  It wasn't.  He still continued to become paranoid and eventually sought out two therapists to help him deal.  Yet despite what professionals told him, he still didn't believe that he was negative. 

He took another test, and the rapid test came back positive.  That day, I was coming from my first meeting with the HIV clinic, where they did a lot of tests--some of them I did with tears after hearing his result.  I rushed to his apt. to comfort him, and shockingly, he seemed very optimistic. "We can do this, together." He would say.

His blot tests came back a week later.  Only, it came back as negative.  I really felt that it was truly over.  In fact, that night, he did something that he hadn't done all of these weeks:  he showered me with kisses.  I spent so much time being there for him and comforting him that I totally forgot what it felt like to be loved again.  I was so happy, and he was happy too.  It was the man that I fell in love with, happy.  He retested again that week, which also was negative, just to be sure.

It was all romantic and lovey dubey, but then nothing.  I hadn't heard back from him for a week.  I really thoguth something was goign wrong.  This week, I would get my first lab results back, and now that he was done being scared, I allowed myself to process dealing with HIV.  I was real scared of getting results back from the lab.  but with him not answering, where is my comfort?  On sunday, I started to get sick.  For the next few days, I slept 15 hours str. and my lymph nodes got slightly swollen.  With the temp job that I have, I cannot afford living and been eating on donations from friends and family back at home.  And so I was sad because I coudn't even afford cough medicine or throat lozenges.  Whats worse, now that I'm back at my apt., I realize how little I have.  I have no furniture, and I sleep on an air mattress--which deflated sometime this week as well.  I called him the day before my results, and asked him what was going on.  I'm scared and he's not there. 

He defended himself and said that he was busy with school.  Something that I was proud of, as he stopped studying during the time that he was paranoid, and I've been trying to get him to get back into the groove.  He then came out and said that both of his therapists and friends agree that now that it's over and he's negative, he needs to start getting back to a more normal life.  The first thing that he was suggested to do was to leave me.  You guys, you don't have to believe me, but I'm a realllll nice guy, and I really did love him. 

Naturally, I get mad at the fact that someone who doesn't know the relatinoship we had told us to seperate.  He told me he needed to get back to normal.  That's what I want for him too, but where does that leave me.  To be honest, I find it hard for me because I don't have a normal life to go back to.  I just moved here to be by him 3-4 months ago.  I have no furniture in my house, and I can't afford food.  I gave up my career, friends, family, and life.  I have no friends here, because I spent most of my free time comforting him.  I have no car, and really, all I had was him--and that kept me going.

He said that he's traumatized by all of this.  But what about me?  It's not over for me. 

He's gotten real harsh lately and inconsiderate.  I've been there for him all of this time.  We both truly loved each other, and I sacrificed everything for him. 

I don't know what I did to deserve this.

Offline BT65

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  • Posts: 10,785
Re: Heartbroken and Alone
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2008, 09:51:27 AM »
Mister D,

First, welcome to the forums.  I'm so glad you found us.  I'm really saddened by your situation. 

I would suggest that you contact your local ASO (Aids Service Organization) to talk to someone who can help you through all this, suggest a therapist for you to see if you need one, and put you in touch with local organizations who can help you with food, maybe some furniture etc.  And if you ever need government assistance, they will be able to walk you through that as well.  Your doctor should have the name and number of the nearest one.  It may require a bit of travel, but it will be well worth it.  They can also get you in touch with a support group should you need it.  This, since you're already in touch with a doctor and getting labs done, would be my first step.

About your boyfriend, well, we can't guarantee how other people are going to react to our "news."  We like to think that people who seem to truly care will accept us no matter what, but that's not always the way things go.  I am sorry that you wasted so much of your time with him when he was unsure about his results, when you could have been taking care of yourself.  This makes the old line "to thine own self be true" much more real.   I would be seeking the help of a therapist if it were me.  And the support of family and friends.  You say you're getting some support from your family already, so that's a good thing.  Just be very careful next time as to how much you're willing to sacrifice.

We're here in the meantime.  Any questions you have, or anything you'd like to talk about, we're here.  Take care and I hope to hear more from you.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf


Offline cheyguy212009

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Heartbroken and Alone
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2008, 12:51:52 PM »
Mister D,

hey man name is cory i went through the same thing but i didnt move away. i know how u fell and i fell so sorry for u man if u need to talk u can talk to me any u can im me at yahoo at chefguy212009 or u can email me at badboy182007@gmail.com it would be really nice to talkto u. so i hope i can here from u soon

Offline WillyWump

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,367
Re: Heartbroken and Alone
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2008, 12:58:02 PM »
Mr. D,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. HIv aside, it hurts like hell to have to deal with a partner leaving or distancing theirselves from you, it can be akin to mourning the death of a loved one. I can empathize with what your going through, I've been there. I know you love this guy dearly, and you are not going to want to hear this, but you cannot control how another person reacts, nor can you make them love you. One of two things might happen here...he may come around, or he may never come around. But one thing is certain, you have to live for YOU, and you have to do it right now, today! especially now with the poz diagnosis. I'm not saying it's easy, because it's not. But know this, I can tell you are a loving, caring person, and trust me, you WILL love again, and someone WILL love you. Just because you have HIV doesnt mean no one will ever love you again. There are many neg/poz relationships just are there are many poz/poz relationships. You have alot to offer and whether it is with this guy or another guy, you will find it. But you need to take care of yourself right now, dont chase this guy, show yourself how strong you are, show yourself how wonderful of a person you are, HIV be damned!

Now I know thinking good thoughts will not pay your bills or feed you, so I would agree with Betty in seeking out your local ASO to get some possible help with this, secondly, I would seriously consider moving back to where you were established, it sounds like you have great family and friends back there who would help you out.

You are not alone, this is a great place to vent and get support!

POZ since '08

Last Labs-
11-6-14 CD4- 871, UD
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir

Offline Andy Velez

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  • Member
  • Posts: 31,892
Re: Heartbroken and Alone
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2008, 03:44:25 PM »
Dear D,

This is a painful story you've recounted. I'm glad you found your way here. As overwhelming as things may feel right now, things will get better. As has been suggested to you, getting in contact with an AIDS Service organization is a really good early step for you to take. I don't know where you are located right now, but pretty much every major city has such services.

It is important for you to have a doctor who's watching your numbers. Gradually you're going to learn a lot about what you need to to do to stay healthy. Your life is going to go on and it's going to be about a whole lot more than just HIV.

It's a heartache about your boyfriend, but you can survive that too. You're always welcome here to ask questions or to discuss anything that's on your mind.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

Andy Velez

Offline prayerblue

  • Member
  • Posts: 123
Re: Heartbroken and Alone
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2008, 05:06:25 PM »
Even if I'm violating the no-post here thing, I have to this once so please don't risk it.

This happy little face here you see, Mister D., is my now-ex.

Everyone who supported me in my struggle, please support him with a thousand times more gusto... And yeah, if I'm an awful f'in person for leaving him I know that's my deal, but we're trying to stay (something.)

I love him. I hope you all will too, in time, as a friend and peer survivor of this damned virus. He's a pocketful of sunshine straight from the Hawaiian islands... I just cannot mentally deal with it this moment.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,785
Re: Heartbroken and Alone
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2008, 08:14:41 PM »

I'm not a moderator, but I find it blatantly offensive that you would even post here, especially knowing how you've hurt this man.  I hope I don't see any more of your postings here.  They're not welcome, at least by me.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf


Offline next2u

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,802
Re: Heartbroken and Alone
« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2008, 09:06:31 PM »
dude, that sucks. i am sorry to hear that you are dealing with all these things at once. to echo what another member said earlier, take care of yourself first. get in contact with a local ASO or find other pozzies/friends in your area.

it is up to you to decide how much time you want to invest in this relationship. unfortunately, you may have to prioritize and put your needs ahead of the demands of a relationship. adjusting to the diagnosis takes time and you need to build a solid foundation in your new area. this is time  consumming and it may or may not include your current boyfriend.

he is dealing with a lot too with your recent diagnosis and his phobia. unfortunately, bailing out is the cowardly and easiest thing to do. i hope this works out for you. btw, we are here if you need to chat dude!!!

midapr07 - seroconversion
sept07 - tested poz
oct07 cd4 1013; vl 13,900; cd4% 41
feb08 cd4  694;  vl 16,160; cd4% 50.1
may08 cd4 546; vl 91,480; cd4% 32
aug08 cd4 576; vl 48,190; cd4% 40.7
dec08 cd4 559; vl 63,020; cd4% 29.4
feb09 cd4 464; vl 11,000; cd4% 26
may09 cd4 544; vl 29,710; cd4% 27.2
oct09 cd4 ...; vl 23,350; cd4% 31.6
mar10 cd4 408; vl 59,050; cd4% 31.4
aug10 cd4 328; vl 80,000; cd4% 19.3 STARTED ATRIPLA
oct10 cd4 423; vl 410 ;); cd4% 30.2
jun11 cd4 439; vl <20 ;); cd4% 33.8 <-Undetectable!
mar12 cd4 695; vl ud; cd4% 38.6
jan13 cd4 738; vl ud; cd4% 36.8
aug13 cd4 930; vl ud; cd4% 44.3
jan14 cd4 813; vl ud; cd4% 42.8
may14 cd4 783; vl *; cd4%43.5
sept14 cd4 990; vl ud; cd4% *
jun15 cd4 1152; vl ud; cd4% *
oct15 cd4 583; vl 146; cd4% 42
mar16 cd4 860

Offline mister d

  • New Member
  • Posts: 2
Re: Heartbroken and Alone
« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2008, 09:32:29 PM »
Thank you for your help and support guys.  It's been a lot overwhelming dealing with this especially with the recent break up.  I do apologize about his post.  I didn't know he would, and I really think he was trying to make amends with me.  It's been hard on the both of us, and he is a great guy, and it sucks what had happened between us. I don't like the outcome, but I really think the breakup will allow him and I to become better.

I'll go ahead and take advantage of San Antonio's ASO.  I can't begin to tell you how comforting this post has been.



Offline komnaes

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,899
Re: Heartbroken and Alone
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2008, 11:16:19 PM »
Hey Mister D, it helps to put your thoughts (and grief) in words. So do come back whenever you feel like sharing, and I am sure you'd find that many of us have gone through similar situations and are happy to back you up in our little cyber ways.

I cannot add much now - but I can tell that you things will become easier to handle. I have met a lot of new friends from my support group and the bonds with some friends are getting stronger after I "came out" to them of my status. Surely, there are friends that cannot handle the news well and you may find it disappointing that they're distancing themselves from you - but then you'd never know how things will turn out in the future. People do change; and you will change too.

As for your ex - just keep in mind that you've been a wonderful person to help him through his crisis. This can never been taken away from you, for it's who you're and what you've done to another person when he was in dire need of supports.

I hope you'd have your health care options all sorted out soon, as there's nothing more important than this now.

Hugs, Shaun
Aug 07 Diagnosed
Oct 07 CD4=446(19%) Feb 08 CD4=421(19%)
Jun 08 CD4=325(22%) Jul 08 CD4=301(18%)
Sep 08 CD4=257/VL=75,000 Oct 08 CD4=347(16%)
Dec 08 CD4=270(16%)
Jan 09 CD4=246(13%)/VL=10,000
Feb 09 CD4=233(15%)/VL=13,000
Started meds Sustiva/Epzicom
May 09 CD4=333(24%)/VL=650
Aug 09 CD4=346(24%)/VL=UD
Nov 09 CD4=437(26%)/VL=UD
Feb 10 CD4=471(31%)/VL=UD
June 10 CD4=517 (28%)/VL=UD
Sept 10 CD4=687 (31%)/VL=UD
Jan 11 CD4=557 (30%)/VL=UD
April 11 CD4=569 (32%)/VL=UD
Switched to Epizcom, Reyataz and Norvir
(Interrupted for 2 months with only Epizcom & Reyataz)
July 11 CD=520 (28%)/VL=UD
Oct 11 CD=771 (31%)/VL=UD(<30)
April 12 CD=609 (28%)/VL=UD(<20)
Aug 12 CD=657 (29%)/VL=UD(<20)
Dec 12 CD=532 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
May 13 CD=567 (31%)/VL=UD(<20)
Jan 14 CD=521 (21%)/VL=UD(<50)

Offline auspoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 178
Re: Heartbroken and Alone
« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2008, 06:13:19 AM »
Hi Mister D,

Welcome to the forums. I know you have an awful lot to deal with at the moment, but you can and will do it. I didn't believe that at first, but it's true. You are stronger than you think, and much more so than the guy who left you. YOu can and will do better. (BTW, totally agree with Betty)

Again, welcome.

« Last Edit: October 13, 2008, 06:15:20 AM by auspoz »

Offline BlueMoon

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  • Calling from the Fun House
Re: Heartbroken and Alone
« Reply #11 on: October 13, 2008, 07:47:01 PM »
Welcome Mister D, and sorry about your troubles.  You acted out of love, a good thing.  It's not your fault that it didn't work out.  Remember the old saying, "It's better to regret something you have done, than something you haven't."

Meanwhile you have to eat, so ask for help from a local Aids service organization, food bank, food stamps, etc.  Consider returning to your former home and job.  If you left your job on good terms, then contact them and tell them that things didn't work out (no need to go into details!) and ask about a possible return. 

Or just move on to something new, keeping in mind the need for health insurance.  You'll need to establish a medical regimen to monitor your health and HIV progression.  Again, that should be something the ASO can assist you with in the short term.  Concentrate on your needs for now, and accept help from those who are offering it.  Hang tough and you will work through this.

08/10-- ......<40.....290.....42
05/10-- ......<48.....290.....46
02/10-- ......<48.....481.....44
10/09-- ......<48.....277.....46
07/09-- ......<48.....300.....38
05/09-- ........51.....449.....39
03/09-- Added Isentress
02/09-- ........65.....299.....34
11/08-- ........62.....242.....40
08/08-- ........66.....212.....29
05/08-- ......202.....217.....27
03/08-- ....5210.....187.....21
02/08-- Began Truvada/Reyataz/Norvir
12/07-- 273,000.....157.....22
11/07-- 229,000.....209.....22
10/07-- Diagnosis

It's a complex world.


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