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Author Topic: Two Years and I miss my husband please lend your heart and God's help...  (Read 5578 times)

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Offline LittleOne

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Hi All,

    I married "him" in 2003.  He was + and I not.  He did not identify when we
first were intimate; he stating later "you would not have gotten involved with me"
and perhaps he was right; we might have ended up friends.

    He is a heroin addict; dirty needles the culprit.  Today it does not matter.
He relapsed after we were intimate that is how I found out and it traumatized me
but there is a God (forgiveness) and we began.  Due to dope he served time
to eradicate "paper" in Texas a small theft allows you to felon if repeated.  He did
this and during that 4 month deal "we cut" I decided when he got out I would return
to a boyfriend in another state.

    Mind you we are not kids.  He has a son from his first marriage; I have 5
children from my first; and "he" is my second and third husband.  I'd kick him out
if he relapsed yes we did "12 step" but he has history, and always was compliant
with his HIV medications although when he went to serve state jail time I had to
fight the Governor for a law to cover transitional prisoners (those serving their long
sentence in County) for medications.  Today all receive who ask.

    Well I divorced him (2) times but the second apparently did not take.  But in
God's eyes it would not have anyhow I love him.  Long story on his family and mine
is not the issue but his last "state jail time for yet another theft" he got into it with
me asking me to put his money into commissary too often meaning I know you can
get heroin, crack, et al. behind the wall and "why do you need that much cash."
Well I got very "strict" and "know it all" and really stopped writing, did not visit and
then he hit the worst part of his life.

    We had met and lived in West Texas where people still don't lock doors and the
sky goes on forever, the climate dry and hot it is quite beautiful.  He is originally a
Cali person I a former northeast person.  So he gets out this time and goes to Austin
and yes that is a place rife with decadence and for a dope fiend a veritable hot bed
of access.  I stayed back for whenever I had rescued him before he came in for me
and you do not sober up for someone else you must do it for you.  I could not find him
though meaning finally I went to the Salvation Army department for uniting family members
and they do not do this at all unless they feel someone should be back with this other
family member.  For two long years I heard nothing and then was also (have my health
issues am a nurse injured with a pain disorder 82 x worse then end stage cancer)
attempting to work again and get put back in this area, and he gets my number finally
from S.A.

    We have spoken on the phone.  He had gotten sober (we have not met yet and I've
been in this area 2 months or more but hospitalized myself for low potassium all kinds
of stuff), and I think "why not what is he afraid of?"  I guess he has many abandonment
issues and when he'd twist off I would want him to go; not to mention the two divorces.
Ironically this go round I got the papers however, I had used my maiden name, first married
name, and our last name and the software for the state did not handle the e on my last
"last" name so legally we are still married.

    He went off the meds for two years and had bad results was a very high vl and was
AIDS on his 4's.  He did take my advice and is back in the system now and starting meds
but how do I get him to see I want to connect.  I clearly love him and know he does love
me but it is clear too that I never could understand the depth of what he lives with daily.
To kick someone out for twisting off is one thing but he went to live in this huge area for
several years ended up homeless (under the Bridge) and now is full blown AIDS.  He is
healthy but for the numbers and I know with proper medications he can go back to the
other side but I'd say he has been positive over 8 years now so that kind of action is denial.

    I love him any ideas?  I think he fears if we get together the intensity and love will make
us try again.  He might fear relapse.  Any suggestions I love him with all my heart.


Little ONE

Offline LittleOne

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: Two Years and I miss my husband please lend your heart and God's help...
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2008, 11:08:06 AM »
Hi all,

I am glad a few of you read my post; at least I know I can reach him today (phone)
and even though he is very wrapped up in his new sobriety, and a phase of denial
for living out here he did not want to IDENTIFY, and this a man who was never
off his medications and has as many do the system to provide the same he has
gone through some massive changes.  His answer when he called me (and yes
when Salvation Army reached him he then had my cell numbers and called),
was "Honey I am healthy and spirit is very important" and finally he did go to the
clinic and get the bad news.  Perhaps those early on in diagnosis have the luxury
of no medication not him, not 8 years down and then out homeless on street drugs
for over 2 years...

I do love him unconditionally but the responsibility of loving another is very
different than just emotions, forgiveness, and other necessary aspects of love.
What does the future hold?  We have one day at a time just as 12 step programs
teach, we cannot hold yesterday or tomorrow in check for God says "I am" and that
means in the here and now.

My husband is very inwardly focused right now; for him say to be responsible for
my issues (my health is totally a mess), is likely beyond him.  And yes he might very
well think if we get together he might relapse, but it is in God's hands.  I might
due to where I am staying have to leave the area again so will make the effort
to at least meet up with him for I need resolution too.

I'd love some advice (outside my own head) so if any of you have any don't be shy.



Offline auspoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 178
Re: Two Years and I miss my husband please lend your heart and God's help...
« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2008, 07:15:34 AM »
I'm sorry Little One. I don't really understand what advice you're looking for.


Offline heavenly88s

  • Member
  • Posts: 11
  • Each day I pray for a cure so he wont have to die!
Re: Two Years and I miss my husband please lend your heart and God's help...
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2008, 07:06:27 AM »
Wow! And I thought my relationship was complex! It is, but you have your hands and heart full. Well right off the top, in my opinion, you need to tell him how you feel. Tell him you still love him, and be suportive. He has issues with the use of drugs, but there is help out there not just for him, but for you as well. I would get into a support group so you can talk to others who are going through the same thing. They may not be going through all of it, meaning the AIDS issues, but that is not really what is important here. In my own mind, how I see this is that he stayed on the meds while he was with you, then when you was gone, he is off of it. So this tells me he loves you. But he needs to learn to love himself too, going off the meds is hurting him more than it is you. He needs some therapy as well, maybe you can get him to go to therapy together and let him know you support him. Addiction is a health condition, it is a disease if you will. I have a brother who is in the state penn and will be there untill he is an old man, due to an addiction problem. He has finally found God and is at peace with himself, but when he comes back to the world we live in, he will be faced with the same opportunities as before he went to jail. Support is what helps keep them off the drugs, and without great support its easier to just get back on it. If I was in your shoes, I would tell him how you feel about everything, let him know how much you love him, and that you want things to work, but also let him know your expectaions but let him know you dont expect him to be perfect. He is going to struggle every day for the rest of his life with the addiction  issues, it wont ever just go away.  But with the right support, he can stay off of it. He may be trying to stay away from you because he loves you and knows how hard all of it has been on you and the fear of relapse could keep him from being with you simply because he cares enough not to drag you down that road again. To me, that is true love. But if you are honestly willing to go through it again knowing he may go back to it, then let him know you are willing to take the chance. But in your heart if you know you couldnt handle if he had another relapse, I would advise you to let him go, love him from a distance, be supportive and be a friend.If he knows he always has a friend in you no matter what that might help him with issues he has with himself of trust. I wish you the best whatever happens, I know this one is a tough one for you. The best advice I can give you is not to make his status an issue, even though he wasnt honest, the fact is you know he has it now, and you still love him. I am in a relationship with a poz also, I am neg, I knew this before we got back together. When we were together a long time ago we had a child together, and he was in the beggining stages, and didnt know he had it, I still didnt get it. I love him for who he is,the good the bad the ugly, not for what he has. I would though be encouraging for him to stay on his meds, for both of you! God bless, and if you ever want to chat, just im me. My e-mail is heavenly88s@yahoo.com. Id be more than happy to chat with you , keep your head held high! Best of luck, and God Bless!

Offline heavenly88s

  • Member
  • Posts: 11
  • Each day I pray for a cure so he wont have to die!
Re: Two Years and I miss my husband please lend your heart and God's help...
« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2008, 07:24:26 AM »
One more thing I forgot to tell you in my other post, I have major health issues too, I was bed bound for over 2 years. I found a book 2 years ago in the local dollar tree store called " The Body Restoration Plan". This book litterally saved my life. I have Ra, Oa, diverticulitis, debilitationg migraine disorder, fibromialgia, history of 2 strokes, and I have had 15 operations half of which was serious. I have been in remission from everything for over a year and a half now thanks to that book and finding a doctor who finally believed me when I said I want to get better, I dont want to live this way. He worked with me side by side to get me where I wanted to be. I weaned myself off all the meds they had me on, which was a ton I assure you. I was at a point where I would rather be dead than live that way, I had kids that were living basically without a mom, what kind of mom was I too them being bed bound? I wasnt. I asked God for help, and he did. Through this book. I now take no meds at all, except for vitamins and herbs. I can run, play all the sports I love to play, I can have fun with my kids again, I litterally got my life back. This book helps those like us to reset our bodies computers, and get healthy. I started out slow, then the rest was easy. This book was about the only book I have read in health and wellness that actually made sense to me.  And it worked.  When I was bed bound I weighed 250 plus lbs..I now am 170 and still loosing. I also learned that depression is one of the most major health killers. When you are depressed your pain is intensified 75%. I will not sit here and say I dont still have pain. I do, but its livable pain. I have learned that to feel pain means your still alive, and I dont let my pain control me anymore. Im living life doing things I never thought I could do. I myself bowl on a bowling league 3 days per week, I bow hunt, shoot guns, play basketball, run, there isnt anything I cant do now. I wish you the best of luck with everything, especially your health. I hope you find this book and give it a try, honestly what do you have to loose? It worked for me, and it will work for anyone..I love being active and feel so greatful that I can be a mom again to my kids who needed me to be healthy and out of bed. Again best of luck! 


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