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Author Topic: In love and scared to trust  (Read 8330 times)

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Offline heavenly88s

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In love and scared to trust
« on: September 30, 2008, 11:08:44 AM »
Hi all this is my first post, and I am a little nervous to say the least. To tell you a little about myself I am a HIV-neg female dating a HIV-Poz male. To make a long story short, we grew up together, and he was my love affair through high school and even well after, till I moved away. I found him again on myspace, and we started talking, and decided to be together, even after he was honest enough with me to tell me he was possitive. I have always been in love with him, but different circumstances had kept us apart for years. I moved myself and 2 daughters, one of wich is biologically his 2 states away to be with him. We both went through hell the first year and a half as we both went through nasty divorces. Now both of our divorces are final, But something along the way was lost in him. He stopped showing me affection and stopped wanting to spend so much time together, as we used to go everywhere together and do everything together. For months now I feel like we have more of a friendship than anything, He comes to me for sex when he needs it, but seems to be irritated when ever i come to him for it. He tells me the more i ask for love and affection the more he isnt going to give it to me, that i need to quit being so pushy. Honestly I dont feel I am, but our relationship is seriously lacking what i feel our relationship used to have, and I feel lost. He tells me he loves me, but I dont feel loved by him anymore, and its very hard on me, because i am still completely in love with him, and stood by his side through everything, including his depression. He also has stayed by my side though my own bouts of depression and attempts at suicide, but I am wating to get things good again and dont know what else i can do. I often wonder if he is truly sincere when he says he loves me, I often feel like i am just a stepping stone till he finds something better. He seems to be hiding things, and when i check up on him he gets very angry. Any suggestions for me? I dont know what to do, and I just want my happy loving relationship back with the guy that has my heart completely!! I know being Hiv-poz, he is going through things i cant possibly imagine, but i am extremely supportive of him, and want things to work, but at the same time i dont want to be used either. Am I asking for too much to love and be loved in return, or to want affection from him, when he has no problem giving it to others? Or am I as he tells me selfish for wanting love and affection?

                                                                               In love and confused ???   

Offline md

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2008, 10:47:19 PM »
Welcome to the forums!

Relationships are complicated at the best of times and often don't work out exactly the way that we would like them to.

Being part of a sero-discordant couple certainly doesn't make things any easier, but that in and of itself shouldn't be the deciding factor in whether the relationship works for both partners.

Your situation sounds complex, but it also sounds as if both you and your partner care a lot about each other and want the relationship to work but it also sounds as if neither of you are currently getting quite what you need / want from it either.

Ultimately the answer to this lies in communication and understanding. You need to talk to each other about this but, even more important, you each need to listen to what the other is trying to tell you.

Don't just tell your partner what it is that you want from the relationship - you also need to find out what he is looking for. Don't make his HIV status the central issue - it probably isn't - but don't avoid it either - it is there and there is no point in pretending that it isn't.

Some people find that it helps to use a therapist or a counselor to help facilitate discussions like this - other people manage to do it on their own.

Offline heavenly88s

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2008, 10:59:31 PM »
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I hear what you are saying, and i agree. I dont now nor have i ever made his status an issue, nor do i pretend it doesnt exist. Far from it. But I do know that because of his status there may be things he is going through that he doesnt think i will understand, so he doest talk about those issues with me. And honestly i want to understand because i want a relationship with good communication and understanding. You are right in saying our relationship is complex, it is i only touched some of the minor issues i have dealt with, and him as well. I guess the bottom line is that right now we have made it this far, and are still together, but I want this man for life, he is my heart and soul and I want us both to thrive in the relationship. My biggest beef with him is not feeling the affection or love anymore. And he is the type that the more i press the issue the more he wont give it, so I dont know what to do with that. I dont feel its pushing when its something that affects you and something you talk about with each other, but he see's it quite different. I think we just sinply dont understand each other on alot of issues and i would like that to change. I am not opposed to counceling however I am not sure that he would be willing. Thanks for the input I appreciate it!

God Bless! :)

Offline LittleOne

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2008, 10:18:51 AM »

I just posted and have really "messed up" in my sero-discordant marriage; in short when you love someone anyone it has to be unconditional; this is how I see God loving all of us.

What might help is support; when we lived out in West Texas we were in a local AIDS support group and yes that allows you some education, support, and empathy from others either positive or negative because if you do love someone with this disorder or any disorder then it helps to understand who they are.

I really wish I had not gone where I went with my husband; but when he twists off on 'heroin' it just replays how he got this disorder that is killer for some.  With today's medications and a medical community that can help keep this disorder in check "living a long and happy life" is possible.

Wish you the best!

Offline U1195

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2008, 05:00:40 AM »
hallo Heavenly,
the fact that you donot feel love and affection could be  remnant from your depression,
or simply stress.stress is love and affection killer number 1.
Remember a depression hardly disappears completely. You have to draw a level of love
and satisfaction from your own self, and then it will be easier for you to recieve love and affection
from outside. but people are different,some need more love,some less from outside.
i really need less love from partner because i love myself and bring my love to the table
and my partner brings his/her love also and we simply celebrate love together.
when i not satisfied with myself and rest in myself,i donot feel any love or affection
from outside. well it is easy for me to say this and that suggestion,but to have done is not easy.
But you are responsible for your happiness to a larger proportion,and not your friend.
i wish you happiness come your way quickly!!

Offline heavenly88s

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2008, 06:43:01 AM »
Thank you both for your words of advice and wisdom.  I agree that stress has alot to do with it, as we both have had alot handed our way. Im a very patient person, and believe time heals everything. If something is meant to be it will be, and if not, it was never meant to. Either way I do love him unconditionaally, and weather we work out as a couple or not, he knows I will always be here for him as a friend no matter what. To me unconditional love also means letting someone go and still being there for them if they need you and if letting you go is what they want. I am hoping this isnt the case with us, but time will tell. I think a part of my not feeling afection and love, is partly due to our schedules. We live a very busy life. He leaves for work at 5 am and is lucky to be home by 5 pm. Then when he gets home its normally eat quick and rush back out the door for bowling or hunting or fishing, and we are lucky to be back home and in bed by 11pm and thats if we are lucky. There are days I just wish for a relaxing night without having to rush off somewhere so we can just spend time together without the hustle and bustle. But we both are very active and love sports and nature, so we live a very hectic lifestyle. Im sure we will eventually slow down and have more time for each other, for now I just need to grin and bear it so to speak. I support him 100% in everything, and I 9 times out of 10 put him and our kids first, there are just times, I would like to come first, maybe this sounds selfish, but i think in any relationship there should be give and take, and if he ever felt he was lacking anything from me, love affection support, I know in a heartbeat i would make every effort to give him what he needs. Maybe there is just a major difference between males versus females in our thinking process, but I was raised by two parents who still hold hands while sitting on the couch to watch a movie. So maybe I expect something that in reality doesnt exist anymore. I am happy within myself, and though I do know depression doesnt ever completely go away, I am not having problems with it currently.  All relationships have its ups and downs, and I am more than willing to be patient, as I have said before this guy has my heart and soul in the palm of his hands, I love him unconditionally, and want things to work.  I know in my heart that he does to as he has showed me in other ways that I am what he wants and where he wants to be. We have had our fair share of fights, but every time, he always makes sure I have what I need and if we are not on speaking terms at the moment he still leaves me money in case i need anything, and he always comes back to talk things out. If he didnt want to be with me he wouldnt come back to work things out he would just leave. All in all I do think things will be okay, I think maybe I just sometimes need reassurance. That must be the woman in me lol! Thanks all again for your advice it is trully appreciated! ;)

Offline Ann

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2008, 09:10:15 AM »

After reading one of your other posts in another thread, I can't help but wonder if he is pushing you away physically because you don't use condoms for intercourse. Maybe he's been worried that you're tempting fate. I know I wouldn't want to have the burden of infecting someone else because we didn't use condoms while knowing full well that I was poz and he was neg.

Might be something you two need to talk about  and renegotiate.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline heavenly88s

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2008, 01:25:09 AM »
That could be, I dont know. I know he doesnt want to infect me, he says he couldnt live with that. However I did speak to his docs right in front of him and asked them what the chances were of me getting the disease if we dont use protection, the docs reply was slim to none because he is undetectable and doing really well. So I dont know. However I am the type of person who feels that if God wants me to have something I will no matter what precautions I take. I have no fears in reguards to catching the virus. Even when he first told me he was possitive, It was no biggie to me. I dont judge him by what he has, i look at who he is as a person on the inside. Maybe that is ignorant of me, but I feel he deserves the same love and affection and the same sexual experiences as someone not possitive. I dont feel he should be punished for having this disease. And in my head I feel that by using protection with him, I would be punishing him. Because if he didnt have it we wouldnt be using protection. And also you have to keep in mind we was sexually active together when he was full blown and didnt even know he had it, conceived a child together during this time, and neither myself or our daughter is possitive. However, I do get tested every 3-6 months to be sure. So far after almost 2 years we are both negative. I respect what you are saying, and understand, but Im not like everybody else. I have known this man all my life practically, we grew up together, so for me it is really hard to be scared of him or the disease. Thank you though for putting that in my head, I will talk with him and see how he really feels, if he would rather use protection, I will respect that, as I do respect him. Thanks! And God Bless!

Offline anniebc

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2008, 03:18:07 AM »
. However I am the type of person who feels that if God wants me to have something I will no matter what precautions I take.

HIV has nothing to do with God, God does not spread HIV..those who have unprotected sex spread this virus.

I have no fears in reguards to catching the virus.

Well you should have, this is an life altering virus we are talking about not some bloody cold..in case you hadn't noticed people are still dying from this virus.

Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline md

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2008, 03:22:23 AM »
However I am the type of person who feels that if God wants me to have something I will no matter what precautions I take.

God helps those who help themselves ...

Do you bother to look out for traffic when crossing the road?

Offline sharkdiver

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2008, 11:08:16 AM »
If you loved him so much, why would you put him through the possible guilt of spreading something to you that is life threatening?  An AIDS death is horrifying, nasty  and ugly. I've been there (just a few years ago) with my late partner so I know. I don't know if I could live with myself if I were responsible for his demise.

I mean this in the gentlest way, but, please get yourself to a counselor.


Offline heavenly88s

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2008, 01:17:48 PM »
Hearing it from others points of views make things apear alot different to me, thank you so much for putting it bluntly and making me realize what I am doing wrong. I guess you never see things from certain points until you are on the other side. Its nice to hear from people who are seeing the bigger picture that I was not. And you are all correct. I guess for me, I wasnt looking at the fact that I could get the virus still, I just assumed that because after all this time, I havent gotten it. So it kinda gave me the feeling of being invincible to this virus. I needed a reality check, and I appreciate getting it from all of you. I guess for me, I support others that have this virus, and all they go throgh, I kinda felt selfish for concidering to wear protection, because I didnt think he would for lack of better words respect me, and think that I was scared of him for using protection. I didnt think of it from the side that he wouldnt want me to get it so we should wear the protection. Also his ex wife was scared to have sexual relations with him, so I guess I felt like I had to to show him I loved him and wanted to be with him irreguardless of his disease. Before I moved up here to be back with him, he was so depressed and kept telling me he was tainted and crippled and I didnt want him, and it made me feel horrible to see this person I have always loved so down on himself, it was if he felt like he was a worthless peice of sh*t, and I couldnt stand to see him that way. He has always been so full of life, live each day to the fullest, and always had a very possitive outlook with anything that came his way, good or bad, so for me to see him that way it tore me up, and thus I made a decision to not worry so much about protection, but making him feel human again and that he didnt have to be treated like a disease because he had a disease. Does any of what I am saying make sence to anyone? Maybe I am to nieve, but I just couldnt handle seeing him the way he was, I wanted him to be back to the way he used to be, in spirit, and now after I came up, he got his spirit back, and no longer feels like he is a worthless human, and less of a man. I guess what I am saying is i gave him what no one else would, and maybe I needed to be his savior, but I am seeing that was wrong of me. :'(

Offline hotpuppy

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #12 on: November 23, 2008, 04:20:05 PM »
Darling.... just because you play the lotto weekly and haven't won doesn't mean that next week you will win.

The difference is that when you have unprotected sex you are playing the reverse lotto.  You will eventually win.  I used to think that unprotected sex was okay and that I could trust guys who said they were neg.  I used to think that because I was the top (insertive partner) I couldn't catch it.

I've been poz now for a year.  I was wrong.  You are wrong to think you are not at risk.  You are playing a sexual version of russian roullette. 

Yes it can be treated.  I hope you like blood tests, doctor visits, worrying about catching a cold. 

It's been a really long time since  I engaged in heterosexual intercourse.... and I'm a guy, so I don't know precisely what it's like for a woman.  But I'm betting that with or without a condom doesn't feel much different. 

If you are still unwilling to be safe for your husband or yourself, than consider your kids. 

There must be something there for you to have dated and come back.  What made that romance magical?  revisit it.  Talk, be open.  Go on a "date."  Live!  Do things.  Don't let routine grind you both into depression.  Learn to communicate what is good and what is bad and develop patterns that keep you both motivated and happy. 

When life's rules are getting you down there is only one answer.  Change the rules!  See the opportunity, take the chance, live for today because tomorrow may not come.
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #13 on: November 23, 2008, 11:37:07 PM »
Holy God, this is why I rarely date HIV negative people

Do I want to use condoms? No. No sane person does. They are a CD skip in the moment. They do not feel the same as nature. They are  made of latex, to which I am allergic. And the polyurethane ones, ALMOST as good, still have a tendency to rupture.

Asking me to play GOD with someone else's life, because they don't care about their own? God, how exhausting.

Dying of AIDS? Yeah, that can be a remote possibility in this advanced day and age of New HIV. But imagine the rest of it. Seriously. Having to choose jobs (or stay in a dreadful one) because insurance is as, if not more important, than salary. Because those wonderful drugs and consistent doctors treatment cost more per year than a lot of people make.

Oh, let's not forget the stigma. You know, you tell a friend over lunch, and suddenly your social contacts dry up. And you tell someone from work, or someone who KNOWS someone from work, and look! Your performance evaluations go from "stellar employee" to "really needs to watch it" because they have FINALLY found a cause for the jump in group insurance.

Sick? Oh please, YEARS before you enjoy your first bout with PCP or another "official" disease, your energy level may deteriorate to nothing. Thanks in part to those wonderful, expensive drugs that are saving your physical life.

You are HIV Negative.

Do you have any idea how amazingly, astonishingly lucky you are?

You have a chance with a guy who respects your status, as you are compassionate about his.

If you love him, you will also love yourself, and do the same. Respect your status. Protect it.

Your other complications, the emotional weirdness on the part of your friend, the on and again and off agains, the upheaval, play second fiddle to the primary thing. You are HIV negative. Stay that way.

Stay that way.

Stay. That. Way.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline beck

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Re: In love and scared to trust
« Reply #14 on: November 28, 2008, 05:25:12 AM »
It sounds like so many things could be going on here.

1. Stress and depression kill sex lives effectively (even in seroconcordant couples).
2. It sound like you need to create a "date night" for yourselves. You know, choose a time to take time out for eachother on a regular basis because it doesn't sound like you're getting enough quality time together.
3. If he's afraid of infecting you, not using condoms might not be such a great idea. I'm not judging you (I don't use them with my partner anymore, either).... I'm just saying it has to be something that both of you need to talk about and agree on equally, and it might be something you need to reassess from time to time. Also, keep in mind that even if you both agree not to use condoms, issues can arise from it anyhow (or at least that's been my experience).
4. Stop secretly "checking up" on him. It isn't good for improving trust levels or communication skills.

Regardless, because you seem to have so much going on here it might be beneficial for you two to find a couple counselor, preferably who is familiar with working with serodivergent couples.
« Last Edit: November 29, 2008, 12:05:23 AM by beck »


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