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Author Topic: Advice Wanted: serodiscordant relationship  (Read 1909 times)

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Offline london553

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  • Posts: 12
Advice Wanted: serodiscordant relationship
« on: September 07, 2008, 06:24:20 PM »
Hey all,

I was diagnosed with HIV in April this year. Obviously it was a huge shock but I did my research and carried on with life. At the end of May I met this amazing guy (HIV negative) and told him about my illness. He completely accepted me and we started a beautiful relationship. Last week, he told his parents about me and the HIV and they do not want him to see me anymore. Not wanting to upset his family, he has ended the relationship.

I feel so completely frustrated. There is nothing I can do! I can't compete with his parents or tell him what he should or should not do, can I? Being with him has massively helped me accept the HIV (I even started meds whilst we were together). Now I feel like I have gone back to square 1.

I'm wondering if anyone else has been in this position and what they did?

Cheers guys

Offline newt

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  • the one and original newt
Re: Advice Wanted: serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2008, 06:38:12 PM »
You can't have a relationship with a man under the thumb of his family, neg or poz, you always lose.

The HIV rejection thing is hard, yes, hard, I know from personal exp this, esp cos you can't really tell if people are telling the truth or making excuses for their own fear always. But in the end the person you'll meet will be truly amazing, and love you for who you are.

But mainly, my first point.

I personally would have no qualms about telling him about the family thumb, cos if it ain't HIV it'll be something else that keeps him from a real relationship, and tempermentally I like to occupy the moral high ground to soothe my wounded pride, but really, you owe him no favours in life coaching eh?

Good luck and a hug.

- matt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline hotpuppy

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  • Posts: 555
Re: Advice Wanted: serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2008, 06:57:18 PM »
Congrats on moving forward with life after becoming poz.  What you are describing is why I tend to shy away from neg guys.  My suggestion is to say nothing and focus on you.  If it's bugging you it's probably eating him alive.  At some point he's going to have to reconcile that his parents wishes have crused a relationship he may have been happy with.

Life has a funny way of working out in the end.  In the meanwhile, it's important that you keep taking your meds, hang out with friends, and let him sort out his family issues.  I know my parents wouldn't hold much sway with me, but to each their own. 
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline DanielMark

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Re: Advice Wanted: serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2008, 07:17:15 AM »
Hi London,

Sorry things didn't work out, but as others have suggested it's probably best not to get involved with a grown man who doesn't make his own decisions in life.

I was diagnosed in 1988. Iíve never been in a relationship with another HIV+ person. I had one long term partnership with an HIV- man for ten years and I am currently with another four years.

If there is actual love and both of you are adult enough, you being HIV+ will not prevent you from being with someone who isnít. Other things might, but not a virus.

Donít give up. There are still ďa few good menĒ left out there.




Offline jennynyc7

  • Member
  • Posts: 146
Re: Advice Wanted: serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2008, 08:54:07 AM »
I agree with the others. For awhile there I thought maybe you were teenagers. I am poz and my new b/f is neg, things are wonderful, not to say that this is always the case, and it may not always be that way for me either. I am just enjoying it while I can. I hope that your guy can break the leash from his folks and go on with life very soon.

Good luck
1/3/08-ARS began
Initial Vl=99000
2/14/08-began Truvada/Reyataz/Norvir
3/01/08=Swapped Reyataz for Viramune
5/1/08:     vl= undetectable
10/24/08:  vl=undetectable
                cd4=1172 (55%)

12/4/08:    vl=254 (hopefully just a small blip)

Offline Oceanbeach

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  • Posts: 3,565
Re: Advice Wanted: serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2008, 01:12:39 AM »
Hey London,

I've had 3 BF's since my AIDS diagnosis in 1996 and all three are still negative.  The first one wanted me because people living with HIV in a Title I EMA received a federal grant for housing support and he didn't think he should pay a share of the rent.  He didn't last very long...

The second was a fellow who came looking for me because his lifetime lover had died of AIDS (in his arms).  That was 7 years before we met and we spent a few years going to holidays and parties and life was such fun.

Seven months ago, I met Walter on a dating site and I think the Sun rises and set every day to make him happy.

My best gal friend met a man on E Harmony, the one with the free personality profiles.  After 3 years, she is completely involved with his mother trying to control her 50 year old son's life.  I told my friend, her BF and his mother issues were stronger than any of his past relationships, his mother knows how to push all of his buttons and she does.  There comes a time in our lives the parents need to chill and strt bitching about becoming grand parents.  ;D  Have the best day

Offline red_Dragon888

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,840
  • Love and Be Love in Return
Re: Advice Wanted: serodiscordant relationship
« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2008, 03:18:32 PM »
There is alot of fear for a hiv negative partner to deal with. 

Off Crystal Meth since May 13, 2013.  In recovery with 20 months clean time.


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