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Author Topic: Impasse- Help  (Read 7373 times)

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Offline auspoz

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Impasse- Help
« on: August 30, 2008, 08:40:17 AM »

Ok, so rationally I understand that I am supposed to "move on" and "forward". But I can't seem to.

It's been about 8 months since diagnosis now, and I still feel depressed sad and alone. OK, maybe I was before, and I never realised it, but now that all the mind games have been going on all this time, I know I need more help.

I see my therapist every week and she's very nice and all, but I fear she's not up to going full-on into understanding my individual complexities and the complexities that my mind seems to have created around my life with HIV. I understand the physical aspects of the virus, it's the mind that I can't sort out. I'm on effexor and mirtazapine. I don't know if they're doing anything at all.

I was always a strong person- so I thought, and solved others' problems with ease. I am having a really hard time sorting my own. I get really down about why me? questions and all that, and can't seem to motivate myself to improve where I'm at.

I'd really appreciate any experiences others have in dealing with things and getting sorted and started. I know I'm allowing myself to wallow too much, and it seems an odd decision, considering that I hear that others don't do it. I wonder why my mind does? I'm not ready for support groups (though I know we're never really ready for anything in life).

Thanks for any help you can give me. It means a lot.

« Last Edit: August 30, 2008, 08:49:24 AM by auspoz »

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Impasse- Help
« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2008, 09:27:55 AM »
So I have to ask. Where are you trying to move TO?

Whats your, I dunno, HIV acceptance goal?

And trust me, you are not alone in wallowing. What IS unusual is that you don't relish in it, and want to get past it. Be shocked at how often THAT doesn't happen.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Peter Staley

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Re: Impasse- Help
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2008, 12:49:41 PM »
I vote for trying another therapist.  Therapists are like antidepressants -- you got to keep switching from one to the next until you find the one that works.  Therapists are humans, just like the rest of us, and they run the gamut -- great, okay, mediocre, and bad.  It's worth asking around to find a great one.

Offline bear60

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Re: Impasse- Help
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2008, 11:38:38 AM »
Well heres my opinion for what its worth:

You say:  "I see my therapist every week and she's very nice and all, but I fear she's not up to going full-on into understanding my individual complexities and the complexities that my mind seems to have created around my life with HIV."

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARENT GIVING HER THE CHANCE TO HELP YOU. Honest, that's what it sounds like to me.

« Last Edit: September 01, 2008, 11:41:11 AM by bear60 »
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Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Impasse- Help
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2008, 01:04:11 PM »
Therapy takes a long time to see results, and it also involves a lot of work on the patients part.  How long have you been seeing this therapist?  I don't see where you state this, unless I'm missing it.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline auspoz

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Re: Impasse- Help
« Reply #5 on: September 02, 2008, 03:29:05 AM »
Thank you everyone for your perspectives. I have been seeing her since diagnosis- about 8 months.

And actually, in the last few days I've been feeling slightly more motivated to do stuff. I think perhaps I had to acknowledge that I was going nowhere doing what I was doing in order to "move".

I dunno, I get pretty confused about what I'm supposed to do and what I'd like to do. I have decided that I am far more indecisive than I thought. If that makes any sense.

And Bear, I think you're right. It's not her, it is me. I can still be too guarded. I'm working on it.

Thanks again.

« Last Edit: September 02, 2008, 03:32:10 AM by auspoz »

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: Impasse- Help
« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2008, 10:47:31 AM »
I'd really appreciate any experiences others have in dealing with things and getting sorted and started.

I`m seeing a psychiatrist via my HIV clinic. Sadly the health system here in the USA seems to ration the amount of times I can see him (I don't pay)(I got a weird letter in the mail the other day)I'd see this man 3x a week if I could. As for the sorting and starting I leave much in his good hands. He usually ends the session with one or two hard questions guessing that I need extra time to pull my answers from deep within - and he's right. So that's how I'm getting started. I love going there because I can say thee ugliest things and follow up right away with "But that's not the real me and I really do want to improve."

Offline auspoz

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Re: Impasse- Help
« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2008, 06:50:18 AM »
Thanks all for advice. It means a lot for me to be coming from those who 'really get it'.

I can see structured therapy being my friend for some time. In fact structure in general. I feel I'm on the acceptance cusp, and I'm about to tip over into territories that are unfamiliar, but necessary.

I am 'cocooning' at the moment. I am rechannelling my OCDs to cleanliness and orderliness. It's more productive I guess. And now that exercise is entering my head (I have never been an exercist/exorcist) maybe I can throw my OCD there soon.

Hanging in there, and it is getting better. Thanks for helping me.


Offline AndyArrow

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Re: Impasse- Help
« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2008, 08:25:40 AM »
Hi Auspoz,

It sounds like you are really making improvements.  As everyone has said therapy takes time and willingness on your part to really open yourself up in a way that maybe uncomfortable at first.

If you are really trying and it's not working mention it to your therapist ... you may like Peter said want to try someone who "gets" you.  Does your therapist have other clients who are poz? 

You might also want to consider different medication or dosage if you don't think it's working.

Mention your "cocooning" (which is normal) to your therapist but to make sure it doesn't lead to isolating.

Good Luck!
It is not the arrival that matters.  It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

Offline auspoz

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Re: Impasse- Help
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2008, 03:35:09 AM »
Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to update this post. It sounds a little self indulgent to me now, but emotions don't really fit into that category.

I am seeing my therapist less now. Only every 3 weeks atm. In fact I have been so busy working that I haven't felt the need. Some time on my own (I mean really on my own) has made me feel more comfortable most of the time, and I am recognising the thoughts of forward motion. Perhaps this is emotional inertia, or procrastination. Just don't feel like mixing with other people just now.

Thanks for all your thoughts. I am grateful that my health is good at this point, and am continuing to process the psychological/psychosocial aspects of the diagnosis. It really is complex.


Offline weasel

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Re: Impasse- Help
« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2008, 12:20:20 PM »
hey auspoz ,
                  sounds like your doing OK .

  it takes some of us years to deal with the HIV status !

 mental problems are exzacerbated by HIV !

If your care giver is not working find one that does !

i used a psycologist  for three years ,because i did NOT want to drive to Saint Louis ,Mo.
a 2 hour drive , but it is worth it !
  Like my old neighbor Martha Stewert used to say !, if you can't do everything , THAN
 This works for me . if you do one thing , it ussually leads to doing something else
and after a while you are doing many things !

                         best of luck and health to you !

                        remember it takes TIME , and with meds

                       we now have time to re-focus and move on .

                                          please give it time ,and live to the fullest ,

" Live and let Live "


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