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Author Topic: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05  (Read 15297 times)

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Offline joyluckclub

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  • Posts: 137
Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« on: July 28, 2006, 01:49:31 AM »
Hi everyone!

I am numb!  I came out in 1997.  I knew HIV was a serious illness.  I wanted to educate myself so I went to a few classes at the LGBT center in Dallas and volunteered on the HIV helpline.  In 2002, I became celibate.  I did not test for 4 years.  I was involved in heavy petting with a few guys, nothing that I thought would seriously put me at risk.  Two weeks ago, an outreach organization was doing testing.  I tested positive.  I was in total shock.  I cursed God and asked, "I could handle cancer, sickle cell anemia, anything....but this"  Then I went into denial.  There is no way I could be positive.  My confirmatory test results came back Wednesday.  I met with the nurse practitioner and started the routine vaccinations and a medical checkup.  She stated to me that I was doing almost "too well". 

I know I am writing a lot.....but I am in such shock.  I am so mad at myself and the world.

Ironically, I am the same age that my mother was when she discovered she had a golf ball size tumor in her head.  One day she fainted in the doorway of my grandparent's house ( the house I now own).  My grandfather took her to the hospital.  They discovered the tumor.  The operated the next day.  She died 3 hours later.  Her death destroyed my family.  I thought God would at least give me a break for being the "good little boy" and taking away my mother.

It took a friend to tell me that "Horrible things can happen to good people"

I am just in shock!  I've been in treatment for depression (family issues, personal issues...etc....etc).  I was just turning a corner where I thought there was hope!  Now THIS hits!

I am so fucking mad!

I've never believed AIDS is caused by making bad choices or because someone was just not careful enough.  Anyone can get the flu.  Anyone can catch a cold.  I just thought I had worked hard enough and been careful enough so I would not be at risk!   Wrong!

I do have a good friend that has given me some prospective on these issues.

Help!  I am just so scared about my future!  CD4 Count 687

"Honey, be who you is"  Madea.........

Offline frenchpat

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  • Love your friends, don't eat them.
Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2006, 02:30:32 AM »
Hi Cory,

I am very sorry that you tested positive.
All what you describe, shock, injustice, fear, denial,  everyone here has gone through this in one fashion or another and  know how hard these times are for you.

The good news is that you are alive, very much like you were before you tested and like you will be for a long time to come. The difference is that you know. As hard as it is to accept your status, being aware of it  also means that you can act upon it.

You've found a good place here, full of people who have so much knowledge to share with you. Everyone here knows something that may be of use to you and we're here to support one another.
Take a deep breath, stick around, ask whatever you feel like asking and we'll respond.

Welcome to this extended family! :-*

People have the power - Patti Smith

Offline otherplaces

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  • Mutant Super Hero
Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2006, 02:41:14 AM »

687 CD4 sounds great!!!  I was infected a year ago and haven't had my cd4's that high.  

I know it's hard.  We all do, we have been there and we're here for you.  Hang on tight and we'll help you through this.  You've come to the right place.

You're in no danger.  Your condition is nothing like your mothers.  My advice is to take a DEEP BREATH and relax. Good. Now take another DEEP BREATH.  relax.  

The next few months are going to be hard, but it's nothing you can't handle.  If you need help, come here and we'll push you through to the next day, and you'll see you can make it and it can be a better day. :)

Again, you're going to be okay.  Keep seeing your doctor and stay on top of things and it will begin to even out.


Much love,

Offline joyluckclub

  • Member
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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2006, 03:13:47 AM »
Thanks guys!

I appreciate the support.
"Honey, be who you is"  Madea.........

Offline Poz Brit

  • Member
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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2006, 03:53:20 AM »
Hello Cory, I am sorry to hear of your HIV+ diagnosis, and know as all of us here felt when we first heard that fateful result, It will get better, you will handle it and most importantly you will live a full and near normal life, you just have to make it top priority to look after YOU, eat well and sensibly, take exercise, and be happy.
My self, itís a mystery as to how and where this bug got into me, I am straight, have been in a relationship for nearly seven years, and she is negative, I was celibate for two years prior and in a fourteen year relationship before that, and there has been no cheating on my part.
Itís been eight months now since my Diagnosis day, (29th November 2005) I have been a member here since Christmas Eve 05. this site has helped me so much to come to some sort of terms with my new life with HIV, these people are all very Knowledgeable and also in the same boat, so you are not alone, ask for help and you will have it, unconditionally, ask for a shoulder to cry on, and many will be offered with tissues.
Read the lessons, and ask anything, people here really care.
Welcome to these forums.


Offline joyluckclub

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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2006, 04:18:54 AM »
Thanks guys.  I really do appreciate your replies.
"Honey, be who you is"  Madea.........

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2006, 06:31:10 AM »
Hi Cory, welcome to the fourm.

It's less important how you got here than it is where you go from here. Have you ever noticed that when you hit bottom, the only way to go is UP? You can and will.

Your CD4 is excellent and that's good news because it will give you time to adjust to all of this. Be kind to yourself and try to not turn to alcohol or drugs to get through these initial weeks - drugs and alcohol will only make things harder for you in the long run.

Be sure to check out the Just Tested Poz Welcome Thread at the top of this forum, so you know what all this website has to offer.

Hang in there Cory, it does get better.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline livingpositively

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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2006, 11:17:46 AM »

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis.  The "silver lining" is that now you know and you can take care of yourself.  I am pretty new, myself, to this whole.  Even in just a few months, it really has gotten a bit easier to deal with - on some levels.  I'm glad you found us here.  This is a phenomenal group of people.  I don't think you can present any situation here that at least one person can't say to you, "I know...I've been there, too and it will be ok"

Really, don't stress yourself about the "hows" of the past.  It's so counterproductive.  Look at the "hows" of the future.

Take care and hope to hear more from you


P.S. Nice job on the CD4s   :D
4/6/07   CD4 450, % 23, No VL
2/19/07 CD4 487, % 26, VL 47,500
1/4/07   CD4 357, % 27, No VL
10/3/06 CD4 500, % 26, VL 18,000
7/6/06   CD4 530, % 29, VL 83,800
4/6/06   CD4 555, % 28, VL 13,000

Offline joyluckclub

  • Member
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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #8 on: July 28, 2006, 11:44:36 AM »
Again....Thanks guys....your comments help.
"Honey, be who you is"  Madea.........

Offline Teresa

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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #9 on: July 28, 2006, 11:46:32 AM »

Welcome to the forums.

I am so glad that you found us here. There are alot of wonderful and caring people here. Just know that we are here for you!

Take alot of slow deep breaths, everything is going to be fine...your going to be fine!

Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2006, 12:59:36 PM »
Cory, getting adjusted to living with HIV is challenging. As you will see from these pages there are plenty here who are alive and kicking big time after many years of living HIV+.

You're always welcome here to ask questions or to discuss anything that's on your mind.

Give yourself time to get used to this new part of your life. Gradually you will learn everything you need to know. Most important is to have a doctor with whom you develop a good partnership to keep you healthy.

Again, welcome!

Andy Velez

Offline Joe K

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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #11 on: July 28, 2006, 01:23:01 PM »
Hello Cory,

I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason that we are all here.  I'm responding because you need to meet someone like me right now.  I have been living with HIV for 22 years and I've been through so many of the same issues that you are experiencing and all I can offer is that it will get better, you just have to give it some time.

I understand the fear, frustration and sense of anger and betrayal because all of those emotions are very normal in the first year of your diagnosis.  Yes your life will change, but once you adapt to your status, you will find that HIV will become another facet of your life.  Your counts right now are fabulous so you should not worry about becoming sick, rather work at adjusting to all of this and most importantly is for you to be good to yourself.

Cory, I've suffered from major depression for decades, so I also understand the horrible strain that depression can place on us.  Please continue your treatment and realize that things will get better, but until then it will be a rollercoaster of emotions, again all perfectly normal.  It is not unusual for someone to take about a year to adjust to their status and since you literally just tested poz, well you have plenty of time.

You will find many resources on this site and I encourage you look around the site, especially the Lessons, Blogs and Forumes.  The Lessons will help to answer so many of your questions and you can go at your own pace.  The Blogs and Forums will provide you with many perspectives on HIV and how we live with it and I suspect you will find many entries that will be of interest to you.  You many also want to recommend this site to others who seek to understand more about HIV so they many support you.

That's enough for now, I know your head is swimming and because of that I will caution you about who you initially tell about your HIV status.  I don't want to discourage you from disclosing, just warn you that until you are in a more stable state, you should only disclose to your closest friends and/or family.  I would not disclose to anyone at work or anywhere you think that your status could be used against you.  Yes we all like to think that we are protected by the laws, but we all know that if someone tries hard enough, they can skirt that law, and right now you just need to protect yourself.

You are starting on a journey to acceptance of your status, a journey that all of us have taken.  While we cannot tell you how your journey will be, we can surely be there to help you along the way.  This is a family and when you feel up to it, you might want to start posting in the Living with HIV forum, but for now, you are right where you belong.  No matter how you might feel, members here will not judge you, because we don't care how you got HIV, just the fact that you have it.

Feel free to ask questions, vent and even bitch because that is what we are here for.  You have found family that can be for life.  I welcome you to the family and hope to learn more about you in the future.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2006, 01:26:29 PM by killfoile »

Offline Life

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  • Member 2005
Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #12 on: July 28, 2006, 10:29:29 PM »

Your post brings me back to 1 year ago next month...  Same feelings.  Same fears.. Same Anger..  If I told you it gets easier, you probably would not beleive me... But I am going to tell you... It gets easier..  Dont give in to fear, its your worst enemy right now.. Keep talking and expressing yourself.  Purhaps talk to a close friend whom you trust.  Know this, being diagnosed in 2006 is alot different now..  Educate yourself thru us and feel confident in knowing that you will move thru these feelings and see a light at the end of the tunnel... No, its not a freight train either..... ;D


Offline purplerain

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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #13 on: July 28, 2006, 10:34:31 PM »
Hello Cory,

I 2 am sorry 2 here about your diagnosis but glad that U found your way here.  I myself just tested + on the 20th of June 06 so please believe me that everything U are going thru not only do I remember what it was like but am going thru a lot of it myself RIGHT THIS MINUTE.  I don't know what I would have done or where I would be if I hadn't found this site and I am sure that U will feel the same way.

Like what has been mentioned before the 2 things that has really helped me out was when I started 2 get stressed, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, let that one out THEN TAKE ANOTHER.  Also taking some time and reading the lessons on here helped ease some of the fears.  
Be strong take care of yourself and never hesitate 2 ask questions, vent or just say hello

HUGZ Jason

Offline aztecan

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  • Posts: 5,517
  • 32 years positive, 60 years a pain in the butt
Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #14 on: July 28, 2006, 11:20:33 PM »
Hi Cory,

The emotions you are displaying, feeling, living through, are way too familiar. In my case, I stayed drunk for a long time. I don't recommend that. It doesn't help.

That said, I tested positive in 1985. My first doc thought I was probably infected in the early summer of 1980.

What all that means is don't panic.

I know it doesn't make the shock any easier to take. But I hope it will help shed a little light on what may appear to be a future of nothing but darkness.

It won't be. I still live a full, active life. I still pursue my dreams, set goals, make plans. What's even better, I have lived long enough to fulfill a bunch of them.

So will you. Please be good to yourself, start reading up, as Ann sugggested, and remember that we will be here for you. You are not alone.

Welcome to our family here. I'm sorry for the reason you have joined us, but am very glad you are here.


« Last Edit: July 28, 2006, 11:22:20 PM by aztecan »
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline joyluckclub

  • Member
  • Posts: 137
Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #15 on: July 29, 2006, 12:09:09 AM »
Hey Guys!

Keep the responses coming.  It is so nice to be around people who understand.  I need to hear your voices over and over again.  It is 11pm and I'm outside in 100 degree weather (damn.....Texas is hard to live in during the summer) cleaning out my garage.  I'm just trying to stay busy.  Keep my mind occupied.  If I don't, I'll sit on the couch and eat till I'm the fat lady singing (laugh).  In the depression area, I know I'm making progress.  Five years ago, I would have went out cruising to make the pain go away.  I think, right now, I'm handling it well.  I still say to myself, "Dam....I am HIV positive....I never in a million years thought I would be here" 

Then I remember all the comments and encouragement I have received from all of you.  You are making the difference. 

Thank you all.

Now I have to get back to sweating out in the garage to Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston.  I bet my neighbors love to laugh when I'm movin and grovin to my music.  LOL

"Honey, be who you is"  Madea.........

Offline Trish

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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #16 on: July 29, 2006, 11:47:36 AM »
Hi Cory,

Keep movin' and grovin' to that music because you will be around on this earth for a very long time, provided you take care of yourself, eat right, exercise (which I am lacking in  :o ::)), and get a good HIV doc. 

There is so much information on this site that will benefit you, so read the Lessons section, and the forums.  Get to know people and get adjusted.  You have joined a great website and the people here are wonderul, caring, warm, and have lots to offer.  I was diagnosed in 1989, and back then we didn't have these resources, medications and knowledge availabe that we have these days.  I'm still here... rockin' and rollin', and you will be too for a long time to come.  It's not going to be an easy battle and you will have your bad days, but all in all the good outweighs the bad. 

You've received some very valuable information from others in this thread, so there's not much more that I can shed light on.  So, I'll just say,


I look forward to getting to know you better, and if there's anything I can do to help you through your days of living with HIV, I'm here along with the rest of the gang. 

Wishing you well always,

and enjoy your music, dance your heart away and look forward to a long life Cory.


Trish :)
"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is buit."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Offline jordan

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  • What I want is a celebration
Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #17 on: July 30, 2006, 05:59:09 PM »

Hi Cory:

Welcome to the forum.  I'm sure you're still a little dazed and confused.  I had a friend say the same thing to me (i.e., sometimes bad things can happen to good people) when I discovered that I was HIV positive in Feburary of this year.

Like you, I finally thought I had my life in perfect order:  I quit drinking, freed myself from a unheathly relationship of four years and took some time to focus on me....and then I found out I was positive.

In a weird way....it felt like a dream.  I had moments when I was relieved because I thought "now I  don't have to worry....I have the virus that I feared getting."  Bottom line is that I worked hard and studied hard to get to this point in my life and just when everything was perfect I was punched in the gut, kicked in the kidneys, and left for dead (hurt so good  :))

Well I may have been knocked down, but I wasn't knocked out.  The important thing is that you know and you have an opportunity to get the necessary medical help and make a difference to others around you.

« Last Edit: July 30, 2006, 07:36:09 PM by jordan »
If you think your lonely now, wait until tonight.

Offline AlanBama

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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #18 on: July 30, 2006, 07:29:13 PM »
Hi Cory, and welcome!

As Joe says, some of us have been around a long time.   So just relax, practice some breathing exercises to help calm you, and begin to learn as much as you can.   You can't know it all in a day, or a week or a month.   It is a journey, and we are all on it together.


"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline J220

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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #19 on: July 31, 2006, 08:52:59 AM »
Remember, you are not alone...and I mean this in terms of all of us here being with you. There is something unique about this condition (I so choose to see it): family members, loved ones, partners, therapists, can all help and be a great source of strenght, but only someone who shares this can truly understand the feelings you are going through. Even though most of us here have not really met, we all love each other, and are here to help one another (even though we fight each other occasionally here on the boards, like true bothers and sisters!). So, you may see this as gaining a very large, understanding, unconditional family. Let this be a source of strenght, as it has been for me, and for everyone else here. J.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2006, 03:58:40 PM by J220 »
"Hope is my philosophy
Just needs days in which to be
Love of Life means hope for me
Born on a New Day" - John David

Offline kcmetroman

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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #20 on: July 31, 2006, 11:03:30 AM »
Hi Cory, and welcome to the hotel California.  First thing is to get over being mad at yourself.  It serves no purpose now. 

Glad you found us, and hope that you find your cyber work-out pal!!


Offline texasguy

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Re: Help! I AM NUMB! Diagnosed 7/26/05
« Reply #21 on: August 06, 2006, 11:39:21 PM »
Hey Cory, you'll be fine.  I sent you an email.  I gotta read the new software instructions (the board recently upgraded).  Hope I don't mess this post up!
8/12/2008    102        402      26.8
                    VL         CD4     CD4%
7/11/2008   Started Atripla and Lisinopril for high blood pressure
6/8     654000(?) 347     20.4
5/08   42100       287      20.5
11/07 52930       438     27.3
5/07   48800       356     22.2
2/07   89000       316     23.2
7/06   51700       459     25.3
2/06   346000     386     20.3
           VL          CD4     CD4%
Poz Antibody Test January 2006
Seroconversion December 2005
Exposure November 2005


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