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Author Topic: Holy Crap!  (Read 2640 times)

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Offline Texan38

  • Member
  • Posts: 686
Holy Crap!
« on: August 18, 2008, 03:24:24 PM »
I finally realized, I want to change. Saturday night was rough for me - I was in one of those moods where I just felt lonely as hell, I had no one to call, no one to confide in and not having internet at home doesn't help! I had such a bad experience the first time I had internet - getting a virus and horrible service - I just do not want to go through that again.....then I realized, that's the same way I think about relationships.  My first relationship hurt so bad, I told myself I would never go through that again...and because of that way of thinking, I push everyone away. I don't let anyone get close to me and I don't allow myself to get close to anyone and yet, after 15 years, I wonder why I feel lonely?!  I need to change.  I think it's about time. There's a support group that meets every other Thursday - I called and explained to the person I spoke to, several years ago I was informed the support group was in Spanish.  She apologized and said I was given incorrect information. She informed me where the support group takes place, what time and the company even provies food for everyone who attends and she hoped to see me there.
It's time I go.  It's time I stop feeling I'm the only person in El Paso who's positive......and it's time I let myself get to know people and start living a happy life.  As Rupaul would say, "Honey, if you don't love yourself how the hell are you gonna love someone else."
I finally gave myself a slap in the face and wanted to share.

Take Care.  :-*

In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline YaKaMein

  • Member
  • Posts: 368
Re: Holy Crap!
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2008, 03:31:37 PM »
Yea, Mark! Glad you're willing to take more risk and reach out. Just take small steps and see how it goes. Keep us posted. -YaKa
09/11 Endocrine Consult
08/11 CD4 328 14.9% VL 0
 Disc'd Bactrim DEXA -3.1 Tscore
03/11 CD4 338 14.7% VL 0
11/10 CD4 300 14.3% VL 0 <20copies
07/10 CD4 336 14.0% VL 0 DEXA -2.7 Tscore
03/10 CD4 308 13.4% VL 0 Vit D normal
01/10 Began FOTO
11/09 CD4 274 13.7% VL 0 Chol 173 Trig 131
07/09 CD4 324 13.5% VL 0 DEXA -3.1 Tscore lumbar
03/09 CD4 207 10.9% VL 0
11/08 CD4 227 10.3% VL 0 Chol 176 Trig 156
04/08 CD4 228 9.5% VL 0
01/08 CD4 194 9.0% VL 0
09/07 CD4 176 8.3% VL 0
03/07 CD4 130 9.5% VL 0 Chol 261  Trig 227
12/06 CD4 109 6.4% VL 0
09/06 CD4  88 5.5% VL und desens'd rtd to Bactrim
08/06  Began Atripla
07/06 CD4  59 5.0% VL 145 Chol 117 Trig 104
06/06  Bactrim rash, X2 Dapsone
 EFV & Truvada Chol 128 Trig 131
05/06 CD4  6 (2.0%) VL 78667 only V179D mutation Dx PC MAC

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,785
Re: Holy Crap!
« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2008, 05:14:48 PM »
I'm glad you're going to reach out, Mark.  I went back to the HIV support group here a couple weeks ago and met someone who lives a block away.  Imagine that.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,095
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: Holy Crap!
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2008, 05:47:45 PM »
Mark -

It's great to take control back -- reaching out can be scary, yet result in a much fuller life. 
Can't wait to hear how it went.

Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2015 969/28% <20

Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,122
  • HIV+ since 1993. Relentlessly gay.
Re: Holy Crap!
« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2008, 05:51:12 PM »
Glad to hear you are taking steps to get out and connect. I hope you meet some good people at the support group.

Offline J.R.E.

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,539
  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Holy Crap!
« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2008, 06:40:07 PM »
Hello Mark,

Sounds like a winner attitude to me !! Wishing you the best, and hope things work out in the support group. I think we all give ourselves, a slap in the face, once in a while,  I know I have. Let us know how everythings goes.

Good luck ----Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 20mg of Atorvastatin, 25 mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Amlodipine Besolate 5mg-- Updated 9/24/2017

Diagnosed positive in 1985,.. In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started on  HAART on October 24th, 2003.

 As of 9/18/2017,  Viral load remains <40
CD 4 @358 /  CD4 % @ 13

 65 years young.

Offline hankgaguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 23
  • June2008
Re: Holy Crap!
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2008, 12:29:47 AM »
Change is in the air I reckon. After my 1st year anniversary (June 8) of diagnosis, I decided that change was in order or me as well.

I quit smoking (Chantix), and have been free of the evil weed tobacco for well over 2 months now. I also joined a gym again and hired a personal trainer to get me back into shape (i.e. Kaletra spread, lol).

Also, I had decided to take down a wall I put up around the end of 2007 and early 2008 due to HIV. I spent way too much time at home on weekends and had lost touch with many friends.

In the process of change, I intended that I would just emerge back out and go into town and see folks at the bars and clubs I used to frequent. I did that, but I also met someone that I had met for dinner back in October 2007 but forgot about after dealing with MRSA staph, etc. and building a wall.

We've become very good and close friends in that time, and, I might add, more than a bit enamored with each other's company, although it's been a bumpy road.

I also changed drug regimens to Atripla, which I now find myself undetectable. Wow, what a change from 1.82 million back in July 2007!

I'm going to say that HIV has actually been one of the best things that has happened to me. It has allowed me to reach potential that I think I would not have reached for had I remained negative.

I'm healthier; I'm far more self-assured; and I'm quite smitten with a very nice and handsome man for once in my life, who just happens to be negative.

There's a long road, for sure, but you just have to make that change and take that chance. Things do get better.

Peace! - Tim
Healthy, Happy, and Kickin' Butt

Offline auspoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 178
Re: Holy Crap!
« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2008, 06:34:40 AM »
Wow. Holy crap. How strange. Your post really means something to me today.

I woke up this morning and for some reason I just heard the word "change". Something new for me.

It was clear, and I kept coming back to it. Since diagnosed in January I have been totally depressed and frantically trying to hang on to anything that I had in my life. And yesterday was a shocker. Let's just say I know I can't rely on my inbuilt diary anymore. And then today it was like "this is weird- change."

And today I laughed, and told a joke. I'm sure everyone at work thinks I am completely mad. But the word "change" just kept on going all day.

I think this may be the beginning of something for me too. No groups for me just yet, but I felt different all day today. Is this the start of a turn in my perception and acceptance? I think I have been barely 'tolerating' up till now.

I hope it grows.

« Last Edit: August 19, 2008, 06:39:00 AM by auspoz »

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: Holy Crap!
« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2008, 07:06:26 AM »
My first relationship hurt so bad, I told myself I would never go through that again...and because of that way of thinking, I push everyone away. I don't let anyone get close to me and I don't allow myself to get close to anyone and yet, after 15 years, I wonder why I feel lonely?!  I need to change. 

I think you're taking a good sensible first step!  8) IMHO step number 2 would be to repel bad,hurtful people by listening to your instincts. These are the types of people that make walls go right back up again and that's why you have to give off an unfriendly vibe to those bad apples. The bigger the city, the more true this is. Hopefully El Paso is made up of mainly good apples.

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,105
Re: Holy Crap!
« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2008, 09:20:32 AM »
I am happy for you.  I hope this works out and brings you much relief.

Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,434
Re: Holy Crap!
« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2008, 10:50:38 AM »

Adding my support and congratulations for this important step you are taking. 

I hope meeting with others in your area helps make you feel less alone.  Let us know how the first group went.

Offline Texan38

  • Member
  • Posts: 686
Re: Holy Crap!
« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2008, 11:00:35 AM »
You know, it's funny, I would always tell people who were afraid of trying something to take a chance.  Don't live life wondering "What If", do it and find out.  If it doesn't work out, oh well, shrug it off and try again.  Then again, you might end up being pleasantly surprised....but you'll never know unless you try.  It's time I follow my own advise.
Hmmmm, come to think of it, this is what I would tell my friends and they've ended up in relationships and I haven't heard from them in years!  But the point is, they have moved on with their lives and it's time I get a life!  ;)
I'd like to thank everyone for your comments and support for they mean a lot to me.  :-*

Thank You!
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline texasguy

  • Member
  • Posts: 77
Re: Holy Crap!
« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2008, 10:41:28 PM »
Hey Mark, hope you are feeling better.  Big hugs from way over here in Big D!

8/12/2008    102        402      26.8
                    VL         CD4     CD4%
7/11/2008   Started Atripla and Lisinopril for high blood pressure
6/8     654000(?) 347     20.4
5/08   42100       287      20.5
11/07 52930       438     27.3
5/07   48800       356     22.2
2/07   89000       316     23.2
7/06   51700       459     25.3
2/06   346000     386     20.3
           VL          CD4     CD4%
Poz Antibody Test January 2006
Seroconversion December 2005
Exposure November 2005


  • Guest
Re: Holy Crap!
« Reply #13 on: August 20, 2008, 07:53:57 AM »
congrats mark thats a great attitude u got.


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