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Author Topic: Confused married women  (Read 5906 times)

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Offline madi

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Confused married women
« on: August 15, 2008, 09:54:45 AM »
I have been married to my husband for 20yesr and I tested positive on the 5th may 2008. I saw this coming as my husband has been sleeping out and I started using a condomn but I was late. He has a drinking problem and always sleeps out during weekends, were does he sleeps the devil knows alone. before I tested positive he use to say he slept at the petrol station because he was too drunk. Luv is reallly blind. he is also positive and when I told him that I am positive he was not worried , he jus responded I will aslo go for the test, he then went and tested positive. After 3 days I found anriretrovals in his cupport , he has been taking this , when I asked him what is this he said Oh this I was given this by my doctor long ago. He still sleeps out , drinks a lot and I  get so frastated when he is not there. I do not know whether I must divorce or what as I do not love him anymore, we are no longer even kissing or making luv .

We were busy building a new house and during the week he just ask me about what else do you need for the house .he is a man who really take care of his family but he really destroyed his family.I think we are together only for the family friend and the churh because he is a churh elder and for my one and only son who is 16.

Offline Lostgirl

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Re: Confused married women
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2008, 10:02:25 AM »

Have a look at my recent posting (Transsexuals) in Living with HIV.  My husband was missing a number of nights over the previous 10 years (not as often as every weekend but enough to raise suspicions) and the eventual truth, when it came out over recent months, although devastating, made a lot of sense.  He is also a 'good' man in every other way, caring for me and the family, an excellent worker and provider etc etc but because of our conservative society has been masking a hidden truth.  Your man is probably gay/bisexual.  Does this make any sense to you?  Do you think this can be the answer?  I realised that drink didn't cause the problem, drink was needed to dull the problem.  Read the replies I received for some great advice.

Thinking of you.  Take care.

Offline BT65

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Re: Confused married women
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2008, 11:55:38 AM »

Of course, none of us can say for sure that your husband is gay/bisexual.  I think that was just a guess from Lostgirl, who I know has good intentions. 

The point I'm at in my life, is "I want (and deserve) to be happy."  It took me awhile to get here, unfortunately.  I wouldn't stay with someone for a church, friends or the family if I knew they were sleeping around, staying out nights etc.  And there's no more intimacy? 

I think maybe you should see a counselor, or maybe a really close friend, to talk all this stuff over with.  You really need to worry about and take care of yourself.  You're the most important person in your life.  Please choose wisely, and good luck.
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Offline Lostgirl

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Re: Confused married women
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2008, 04:31:25 PM »
Hi Madi

Yes, Betty is correct.  I didn't really mean to imply that your husband was definately gay/bisexual - I guess it is so much on my mind just now it dominates everything.  What I meant was, there is no smoke without fire.  Something is going on with your husband and you need to insist on putting your needs in the front, as Betty said.  With the HIV, stress doesn't help you keep well and, as I can testify, a husband acting up just doesn't give you the peace of mind you need.  It will take time to work things out but seek help and, as I know it will for myself, things will eventually work out for the best.


Offline Victory101

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Re: Confused married women
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2008, 06:39:52 PM »
This makes very sad reading Madi. I hope and pray you find the strength to make the right decision.
Its easy for us outsiders to say get out of the situatiion. He really has not shown you much respect and I'm sorry if this sounds so blunt.   

You have to decide whether you want to continue living with him especially as you say there is no love now. You say you are there for your son but he's now 16. I don't think a divorce will scar him for life? I'm sure he sees how his father is never home at weekends.

The sad thing is that he's a church elder. What a bad advertisement for churches.  Sending prayers and hugs your way.


Offline positively_me

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Re: Confused married women
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2008, 11:37:09 PM »
he is a man who really take care of his family but he really destroyed his family.I think we are together only for the family friend and the churh because he is a churh elder and for my one and only son who is 16.

Those two sentences say a lot.  Having a drinking problem and sleeping out is not taking care of your family.  That is destroying your family. 

I think that staying together for children or appearances (him being a church elder), is not being honest with yourself and it is not fair to you. It is more important that you take care of yourself and your son in a healthy environment.

If you can stand this type of existence for the rest of your life, then I wish you the best.  But if you want more from life and from a husband, then know that it is ok to leave.  And I wish for you and your son that God will be with you and get you through.

Take care!
Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.  - Eleanor Roosevelt

Offline Dragonette

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Re: Confused married women
« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2008, 03:26:15 AM »
Dear Madi,

Im sorry to hear you have to go thru this devastating ordeal.

Not to downplay cheating and drinking, for me the main thing in your story is that your husband knowingly infected you.

He has been totally casual about you needing to get tested and most alarmingly, admitted to having kept anti-HIV drugs hidden from you for a long time ago.

I understand he is providing for the family financially, you havent said if you yourself are working and are capable of providing for yourself.
You mentioned a 16 year old son and I dont know whether divorce or seperation would mean your husband accepting responsibility and continuing to support at least your son.
Also him being with the church might mean divorce isnt an option if he is catholic.

So I think you need to speak to someone you trust, a relative, friend, or anyone from an organization helping women. If it's specializing in HIV, even better.
And you also dont mention, what is the status of your health. you have confirmed that you are positive, but what is the next step? you need to make sure you recieve the best medical care available.
The calm in which your husband recieved the news that you are positive just chills me. Has he inquired after your health at all? He obviosuly treats his HIV, has he asked if you need to be treated?
I think you should take your time deciding what to do, on all those fronts, health, finance, your son, and what is good for you. Leave him on your own terms and own time if you are going to do that. Don't rush into anything.

I know this might seem materialistic and some might not agree with me, but I think that you can always leave. But its better to take the time and look at all the aspects of your life and take it from there.
This of course changed completely if your husband is abusive or you are in any sort of danger (asides from the one he already put you in).

The one thing I am most worried about is that he knowingly infected you. That suggests that he either totally doesn't care and is a kind of cold blooded sociopath, or (I'm hoping for this one) that he is simply so terrified and ashamed of the HIV itself and the urges that led him to get it (him being with the church and all but still cheating on his wife) that he is ignoring the whole thing. Only you know which reason can be more accurate to your husband. Of course I have no idea what is the reason these are the 2 options that come to my mind. If you can the best thing would be to speak to him, but again in your own time.

 Just remember: your husband's problems are not your problems. Even though just now they have greatly affected you.

I send you a big hug in this difficult time and I hope things will get clearer and after this horrible shock that you will see something good on the horizon. Please look after yourself
« Last Edit: August 16, 2008, 03:28:46 AM by Dragonette »
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline madi

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Re: Confused married women
« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2008, 04:34:32 AM »
Hi Girls
 Thanks for all the advices, I just want to respond to LG , I think waht you are saying once came to mind, that my husband is guy /heterosexual. I discussed this with a very close friend, m,y husband has a  a male frined and my  mother in law  told me that they have been friends since the age 10 and now they are both 50y and the friend has been a very distructing boy from the age 10. Everytime when this guy callls him he will never come back, the guy is also married but very abusive. My husband is bursary officer at a University he organised a bursary for this guy's wife to go to university and the lady is a graduate but the guy decided this lady must leave her job. Everytime he calls my husband , my husband would't care a damm what time he would leave immediately.

My mother in law went to the guys place , spoke to the guy together with the wive that they must please stay away from his son but it did not work.

Offline madi

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Re: Confused married women
« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2008, 07:14:12 AM »
Hi Dragonnet

I am working for the university in South Africa. I have been to a doctor and my health is well taken care of at the moment, I do have a councellor she is also giving me support. My husband will always ask me how do I feel, am I Ok , he will keep on saying I am buying you this and that so that you can think of me when I am dead. At the moment I think I am sorted, I have changed our will since we are married in community of property. The initial will was that he inhernt all my things but the new one is saying all that belongs to me must be given to my son. He was so cheked and he said this will is the same as we are divorced, he was playing monkey tricks to go and sign the will at the bank but finally last week Friday he signed that will. i am so relived as I do not trust that he will take care of my son, now I know that he will be covered. He has been very quest ever since this and he is home for two weeks atleast. He also wanted me to make a doctors appointment for him as he wanted to see the same doctor that I am seeing but I told him to do it himeself.


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Re: Confused married women
« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2008, 07:21:01 AM »
hi madi

do u think maybe he's trying to reach out to you and make things right or win your forgiveness?  im sorry for what he did to you. it was really evil of him.  im glad your son is provided for now, so at least you dont have to worry about that


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