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Author Topic: Last ditch effort  (Read 4290 times)

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Offline Philsqueenie

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
  • Too sad and alone
Last ditch effort
« on: August 09, 2008, 10:52:21 AM »
One last try... could you please go to my profile and see if you have any advice and/or comments about what you think I have written?  No, no therapy as of yet.  Just trying to find any reason to even bother.  If this doesn't do anything but piss people off, then I know what to do.  I am not trying to be an irritant to anyone and it seems that is all I do.  I must be one sorry loser if I can't even get a little empathy and support from the only people I have anything in common with..

Offline sharkdiver

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,352
Re: Last ditch effort
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2008, 11:24:03 AM »

you took the first step in seeking the help you need.

just hang in there.

Offline Jeff G

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  • Member
  • Posts: 17,062
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Last ditch effort
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2008, 11:39:48 AM »
philsqueenie . You have come to the right place . Many of us here have felt as you do at one time or the other , I know I did .

One thing to keep in mind is that you are not alone in this , its just that it sometimes takes awhile for people to respond after you have reached out for help .
Try and put the thoughts that you are going to irritate people here out of your head . There are many people here that care and are willing to listen .

When I felt helpless and alone I sought out one on one counseling with a qualified counselor to help me sort out my feelings , after awhile I got the help I needed . Maybe this could also work for you .

Just remember that no matter how you feel now your life has tremendous value .
I have been positive for over 25 years and now I'm at a place that I'm thankfull that I got the help I needed . I bet you will get better also . Keep posting and let us know how you are doing .

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Offline Winiroo

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,082
  • Positive since 1991
Re: Last ditch effort
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2008, 12:08:23 PM »
I find it helpful to have everything posted in one area. So I am copying and pasting your profile in blue below.

Was an addict all my life, even so, careful and disease free for 40 yrs. Then I got way down on myself, partner was ALWAYS ragging on me(too old, ect.) so I ended up being with the first man who was nice to me. Made me feel pretty... was nice for 5 seconds...also gave me H.I.V. ON PURPOSE, so I would stay with him and not go back home!

Back home, spouse was a little better and when I refused to be with him again until I got tested again(better to be safe, but NEVER in a million years did I think it would turn out to be positive!!! All those years and then one moment of sad weakness and this is what I get.

Still with spouse, but haven't had sex at all, found out Dec.20, 2006. Am too scared and now I feel dirty and so ashamed. No one else knows so I am really messed up.
Seriously thinking about O.D.'ing cause I've been here for almost eight years and been taken care of and have no where else to go and I DO LOVE my guy and think he needs to have me gone.
No, he doesn't say that, but I think he just feels sorry for me and thinks he has to take care of me. He's not Mr. perfect or innocent but I see no future with me and I need to just go AWAY.
Sorry, I sound so down, please help me see my life different or I am just wasting precious air for someone else who deserves to breath.

My response.

Are you getting medical care?
I feel badly for you and I feel like you really need to see a counselor or psychiatrist.
I hope that you will be able to see you deserve to live. you deserve to be happy. and you deserve to be with someone who doesn't make you feel like shit.
I've been positive 16 years. Being positive is not who you are, it is just something you have. It doesn't make you a terrible dirty person. So you screwed up. It happens. Beating yourself up over it wont do anything but make you feel like shit. It certainly wont make you better and it seems to me you need a big dose of feeling better. To be frank your post is scary depressing and I'd love to see you brighten up.

Offline BT65

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  • Member
  • Posts: 10,785
Re: Last ditch effort
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2008, 12:43:43 PM »

I'm glad you found us.  I'm a recovering addict (October will be 3 years).  I had periods of clean time before, but always went back to using.  Please don't go back to the dope or booze.  Do you go to 12-step meetings?  Those help me tremendously.

I urge you to get some therapy.  You need to start feeling better about yourself.  You're not dirty.  If your husband wants to go away, he will without you doing anything to hurry it along; and it sounds like he really doesn't want to go anywhere, so don't question it.  If you start dealing with this with a licensed professional, you will find your life improving.  There may be some pain involved, but the results will be so worth it.

There is a women's part of the forum I invite you to post in.  We ladies usually hang out in the "ladies thread."  Please feel free to join us; we'd love to have you.  And hang on.  One day at a time, darlin'.  Only one day.
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Offline tooltimer

  • Member
  • Posts: 14
Re: Last ditch effort
« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2008, 08:11:02 PM »

I also felt sad that you were going through this depressing stage in your life.  After reading your original post in the other thread, I had several things I wanted to respond to you, but the three people before me have summed up everything I could possibly tell you.

If you do nothing, you will end up right where you are.  Just making your post and asking for help is a big first step. If you have access to a therapist or counselor, please start there.  It sounds like you need some one-on-one time with a therapist before you jump into a support group. The individual attention will allow you to discuss your personal situation and issues.

This forum is like one big support group.  But just remember, everyone in here is not a therapist.  We may have suggestions to make you feel better. Consider us your friends. Many of us have gone through similar experiences. All of us probably wish we could go back in time and change that one moment when we became POZ. It's not something that you planned and it is not something you can go back and change. So you need to look forward. To me, the HIV disease is like a cancer. Start treatment when your doctors recommend it.  Right now, I sense that you are so stressed that you are causing yourself to be depressed and not able to think straight.  You need to take a big breath and relax.  Reread each of these responses.  Listen to what people are recommending. Take it one day at a time.

When I found out I was POZ, I had panic attacks for weeks. I had no one to talk to. I didn't know where to turn.  I've been POZ for 11 years. I found out when I was still very healthy and I have taken care of myself physically to remain healthy.  But the psychological issues remain. I have learned to cope with being HIV+. It just takes time and patience. Give yourself a break. You're not a bad person. Try to be around positive thinking people who will support you. Lastly, understand there are many people in this country that are clueless about this disease.  Educate yourself about the disease.  You are your own worst enemy right now because you are thinkng you have done something wrong. Just listen and comprehend what people in this forum are saying. We have been there and can walk you through the bad times.

Take care,



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