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Author Topic: very very late disclosure of status from a partner! :-(  (Read 3739 times)

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Offline confusedsf

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very very late disclosure of status from a partner! :-(
« on: July 28, 2008, 06:52:08 PM »
I've been dating a boy that I really liked for almost 2 months, when totally out of the blue, he told me that he is positive. I was pretty shocked at this. Shocked, upset, and also very annoyed that he left it so long to tell me. We have spoken a few times since his disclosure and, much as I want to, I'm finding it hard to get really angry with him. I guess this is because I like him so much. But this in itself is bothering me. Surely I should be a LOT more angry than I am? Although we used condoms for sex, he still exposed me to a risk as I engaged in unprotected receptive oral sex (which is supposed to have result in infection in 1 in 10,000 cases, i.e. 0.01%). Although 0.01% does not seem that high, its probably higher in my case because I have occasional gum disease. Regardless of the statistical risk, he still was not honest enough to let me decide.

I just wondered if anyone else had a similar experience of having a partner wait such a long time to disclose their status. If so, did you ever forgive that person and form/continue a relationship with them? Several of my friends have told me that if they were in my situation, they would show this guy the door in no uncertain terms. Am I a fool to even be considering still seeing this boy? I'm really confused and unsure what I should do.

Offline vasky

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Re: very very late disclosure of status from a partner! :-(
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2008, 09:18:47 PM »
Hi ConfusedF:
I think its up to each individual how we react. I can share with you my experience and hope it sheds some light. As you I met a guy, liked him a lot. We had sex with condom. After a few times we had THE conversation I like you I want to see where this takes us. I asked him "how come you are living with your parents and you are x years old?" And then he started telling the story of when he broke up with his ex girlfriend, he was will and shortly after was diagnosed. That when he looked straight at my eyes and said That is how I found out I am HIV positive. i remember at that moment a zillion options came to my mind, one of them being "what the hell are you doing in my livingroom?" He apologized for not telling me before, and mentioned that if it had been something casual he wouldn't have disclosed his status. That night he introduced me to this site, and I started reading and educating myself on what is HIV. Four months later I am very happy and have never regretted giving myself the opportunity to have the boyfriend I have.

What can I say its up to you. Think of him besides his HIV status. Is this a person you want to be with? Go for it!

Hope this served its purpose.


Offline md

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Re: very very late disclosure of status from a partner! :-(
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2008, 12:43:07 AM »
Hi, confusedsf

I am the -ve partner of someone who we believe had probably been +ve for about 10 years before he was diagnosed in June 2006.

I realize that it can be quite a shock when you discover that your partner is +ve but it is also a difficult subject to bring up - there isn't really a "good time" to have that conversation - that's probably why it seemed to come out of the blue - your partner had probably been wanting to bring it up before but didn't quite manage until that moment.

Anyway, it sounds like you had protected sex and he didn't lie to you about his status.

You have to take responsibility for having unprotected receptive oral sex with him - something that, for practical purposes, I personally regard as being essentially zero risk (I am much more worried about getting killed in a car accident or dying of a heart attack than I am of contracting HIV through oral sex)

However, you are the one who has to decide what risks you are comfortable with and then follow through with your partners - remember that unless you are in a long term monogamous relationship you had better assume that your partner *might* be +ve whether they or you know it or not.

So, if I were you I would try to get past this initial glitch in your relationship and see where it takes you.

Good Luck!


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