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Author Topic: Hardknocks life for ME  (Read 3795 times)

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Offline shadoos

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  • Posts: 10
Hardknocks life for ME
« on: July 06, 2008, 05:13:25 AM »
I have been in an abusive relationship for years now and it just so happens this man is who gave me the hiv! But now I feel like no one will ever want to be with me again.  So I have made a decision to stay with him.  Atleast I won't be alone.  But I still wont be ble to see him for another 4 months.  Alot of people tell me I am stupid for being with him.  But he is all I got that will accept me for who or what I am.  I try and make new friends on her it doesnt seem to be working.  i live in NY......I have aol.......my screen mane is SHadOOzLoNeLy........hopefully someone will reach out..  I hope.....I don't know how to deal with all this............

Offline emeraldize

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  • Posts: 3,398
Re: Hardknocks life for ME
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2008, 07:47:38 AM »
Hello Shadoos,

This is the first post of yours I've read and since you've only been here a short while, I went back and read the previous five.

You've got a heavy burden right now, but you're going to make it just fine if you make sure to put yourself on the top of your list. I write that because if you don't take care of you, then your child won't have a healthy mom available. By healthy, I mean physically and mentally.

You were so recently diagnosed it is quite normal to be going through what you write about. It may be some time before you awaken in the morning without some level of concern or stress, or that you breeze through a day without thinking about your health. But some day, you will. Seems hard to imagine, but some day, not too long from now, you will be able to concentrate on what your priorities are. It might call for a little help from others.

The fact that you shared your diagnosis with family and friends is a good sign that you do have support available to you. I was glad to read that. Make sure you involve family and friends when you need them. Do you have an AIDS Service Organization, sometimes called an ASO, that you can visit for support?  Do you have a case manager? Do you have an Infectious Diseases doctor?

I'm asking lots of questions to make sure you've started to put all of the puzzle pieces together that will help to form your new life picture. You should read as much as you can, starting with the Lessons here on the AIDSMEDS forum. The button to click is on the upper left tool bar---marked Lessons. You will get a lot of good information there.

The one thing you don't need, ever, is an abusive boyfriend, especially if it's because you believe no one will ever "want" you again or because you are lonely. In the coming four months (while he's gone) see if you can get some counseling arranged through your doctor, an ASO, or a friend who may know someone. It's well worth the investment of time to get some of the basics straightened out. Women struggle with self-esteem issues quite often and are led to believe a man is necessary in order to live an acceptable life. As a result, women often allow people to do things that hurt them, emotionally and physically, because the foundation of self love, confidence, boundaries and hope are not present. How you think and feel about yourself is going to play a big part in how you care for yourself and your child. And, the good news is, you can change your current life completely. Like growing a garden, it will require some preparation of the soil, planting some seeds and taking out weeds. You can do all of this.

I don't want to give you too much information here, but I would also encourage you not to advertise your personal e-mail address here. Better to wait to form relationships with people here first and then, send a PM if you wish to communicate with them outside of the forum. You might consider asking a moderator of the forum to remove your personal address from your most recent post to avoid spam, unwanted visitors or scammers.

I wish you much success on your journey ahead. Your acceptance and love of yourself is what matters. Once you have that, you won't let people into your life who will take advantage of you, hurt you or put your family of two at risk.

You have many years ahead to enjoy.

« Last Edit: July 06, 2008, 07:51:32 AM by emeraldize »

Offline BT65

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Re: Hardknocks life for ME
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2008, 09:47:56 AM »
Shadoos, I'm also not very familiar with you, so I went back and read your previous posts.  I remember a couple of them. 

I myself have been in a couple abusive relationships.  One of them was with my daughter's father (years ago, my daughter's now 24 and her father has been dead since 1989).  I remember feeling the same way you do, that no one else would want me etc.  The last abusive relationship I was in was about 7 years ago (you'd think I would have learned my lesson).  I finally got the police involved and never heard from the man again. 

I truly urge you to seek counseling.  Your baby needs you.  You need you.  Your family needs you.  I know this probably sounds redundant, but no one deserves to be treated like a doormat, punching bag etc.   If you stay with this man, you will regret it the rest of your life, believe me.  And your child will also see how your boyfriend behaves and think that's a normal situation.  I know you don't want your child repeating this situation. 

A lot of times people will settle for anyone, especially when they're feeling very lonely.  You're recently diagnosed, so a lot of what you're feeling is normal-just look around here.  Several people who are nwely diagnosed feel like you do.  I really urge you to get in touch with your local ASO (Aids Service Organization).  They can refer you to a good counselor, and also might have a support group that you would like-then you could meet other HIV+ people in your area.  You might have to drive (or travel) some; I'm not sure where you're located.  The fact that you're discussing this with us is a very good sign that you know something's wrong and in your heart want to change it.  Please take care of yourself.  We're always here.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline Snowangel

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  • Posts: 1,416
Re: Hardknocks life for ME
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2008, 10:25:17 AM »
Morning Shadoos-
I know you feel like you are in a very tough situation.   I know because I have been there myself.  I felt the exact same way.  When I had first met my abuser, I asked him if had been tested for HIV and he said he was healthy.  Pretty much everything about him was a lie.  When I finally got fed up with the abuse and called the cops on him, his one call from the police station was to say to me- "Don't you know I have AIDS, you fucking bitch" I know your abuser probably apologizes and says he is going to change and he might for a couple of days, maybe even a couple of weeks but it will not last.  My ex got married and is in jail right now for violating a restraining order on his wife.  Why, because he is doing the same exact thing, he did to me.  She has been a little more lucky  because he has been a little less violent with her and while he still didn't tell her about the HIV, she didn't get infected.
 I haven't read your previous posts but seeing the Em said that you are recently diagnosis, if there is anytime in your life to do something for yourself, it is now.  You may think that you can not survive but you can, and you will.  When you are in an abusive relationship every single second, minute, hour of your life you have to walk a fine line trying to figure out what is not going to piss your abuser off.  This means you are not taking the time that you would need even as a person without HIV to take care of yourself.  This is your life not his. You need to take care of you, not him. You might not find someone tomorrow or the next day but you will find someone.
I know it is extremely hard to even think about- leaving your abuser- potentially elevating the abuse to a level you don't know if you can survive.  It won't be easy, but you are worth it.  It will be one of the hardest things you ever do.  You might not succeed the first time or even the second time but you need to keep trying.  It took me longer than I care to remember to get away from my abuser . I had a son with him so I never fully got away but he no longer controls me, puts his hands on me or degrades me in anyway.

I wish you the best of luck!
Stay strong for yourself and your family.
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline Blessed1974

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  • Posts: 92
  • Time waits for no one so don't dream life live it!
Re: Hardknocks life for ME
« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2008, 04:23:04 AM »

I don't come on here to post to often these days because I have a new baby but I had to stop and comment on your post.  I have been in your situation and I can tell you first hand it does not work.  I tried to stay in a relationship with the person who infected me but then after awhile I kept thinking I'm only in this relationship because we are both poz and I don't have to deal with disclosure with anyone new.  Needless to say I have had relationships since then, some good some bad but it would have been that way regardless to my diagnosis.  I have had 4 healthy children in the 15+ years that I have been poz and I have been poz since I was 18.  I am in a fucked up (excuse my language) relationship right now with my newest childs father and I am finding it hard to leave but thats because of finances.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is going to take awhile for you to become comfortable with your hiv status.  I'm sure everyone here will tell you that the time it took to come to terms with that fact that we are living with this disease and not dying of it was different for everyone of us.  You're way ahead of the game if you've already confided in family so just try and keep your head up and enjoy your child!!!

Offline wishful

  • Member
  • Posts: 342
  • I am pretty content nowadays..Life is gud..
Re: Hardknocks life for ME
« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2008, 09:07:40 AM »
SHdos: the ladies here i have giiven u good sound advice, not much for me to add except love yourself. I wish u the best of louck in evryhting. Its not easy but it does get easier.
Live life to the fullest...


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