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Author Topic: DIAGNOSED and found out that HIV kills LOVE Cells and generate HATE Cells...  (Read 6208 times)

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Offline YesWeCan

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
I was diagnosed with HIV last year in May but I went on a wild ride of drugs and drinking and didn't accept my HIV status. At that time my wife was pregnant with our first Baby. I didn't disclose my status to any one. I was 100 % positive that my wife and baby is safe since we didn't have any sex since she got pregnant.Also she had pregagnancy test on different intervals to make sure that there is no HIV. I got infected during her pregnancy. I start behaving strange and wanted to make sure  that my wife starts hating me. I wanted them to leave me and then I had a plan to end my life peacefully. I just wanted to die young and pretty!!! I would get into odd fights with my wife just to make sure that she hates me and leaves me. I killed all her emotions towards me and finally she realized that she needs to leave me. I was so happy that she and my baby will be safe and away from me and then I would end my life. It took my wife a year to finally make a decision. I loved them so much but I wanted best for them. Then the sad reality hit me and which is I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO SEE MY BABY GROW. I realized that I am in United States of America where I had a chance to live. I can find a community here who would love me and not hate me. I want to quit drugs and drinking and finally I told my wife me being HIV positive and that is the reason I behaved so strange towards her within last year. She felt bad for me however she had so many questions and I just didn't have the answer. Why I put myself in a situation to get infected with HIV in the first place. 

I made mistakes and here I am infected with HIV. My wife and baby is leaving me. I used to have a happy family...beautiful and loving wife, loving parents, loving brothers and sisters and many good friends. I am not originally from States and settled here 10 years ago. I am American Citizen. I loved every second being in this country. I had so many dreams. Most of my family is out of the country. I finally told my parents, brothers and sisters and few friends. Every one of these people think that I deserve to be HIV positive. I am a disgrace and they have nothing to do with me. I don't know if it is a culture or religion or just my bad luck but HIV killed the emotions of people in my life. Thanks to the biased and hypocritical attitudes of my society where my family still lives in. I am talking about the society where doctors treat the HIV patients but would not shake hands because HIV patients are sinners. People in that society became God who pass judgements on HIV positive people. I am thirty six years old and I need to start my life back from scratch. I need loving Parents, Loving brothers, Loving Sisters and Loving friends. I know I need all these and I know any one who is HIV + can live 100 years if there is love in his/her life. Medicine is great and I believe in Medicine but love is important Very Important It doesn't matter whether you are HIV positive or Negative. Every one needs love and deserve love.

I am lucky that I am here in United States of America where  there are people who care about. People there understands you and treat you just like Normal Human beings. I would be dead by now if I were not in USA. HIV is not killing people in that society where I am from but people's  attitude towards those affected by this deadly disease is killing them. Wow, my friend doesn't feel comfortable shaking my hand any more and this friend went to school here in USA and I loved him a brother and he loved me a brother but HIV status changed every thing.

Am I depressed. I think I am not depressed but I am sad just for one reason that some people don't realize that HIV positive people are human beings too. I know I have love of my Baby which made me change my suicidal plan. I will get some good friends along the way. I will find some people who can give me love just like parents do, some brothers and sisters will find me too. I believe in love and power of love. I used to be loved by all my family. Every one thought that I am the most loving person they ever met. I am wondering Does HIV kills people's emotions too. Is there any cure for this? I would be able to deal with my CD4 count and viral load but I don't know if I can deal with the fact that HIV killed the love of people towards me. I have no clue if it is culture or religion. Here I am 36 years old HIV positive man looking for family and friends and may be a new Religion. This is so strange, very strange. We have so many kinds of medicines to control HIV but there is much need to be done when it comes to people awareness towards this disease. I am the same person who care about people as much as he used to do before he was diagnosed with HIV.

I am not saying that HIV is the best thing happen to me but I know one thing for sure that I will live my life to the fullest whether it is one more day or 100 years. I am positive about life, positive about future and Yes I am HIV positive and we all deserve to live just like any other person. God Bless every one of you. Live Long lives. Spread love and stop hate. I am not worried how long I will live. I am more concerned that I don't want to hurt a single person in my rest of life. Keep me in your thoughts because I will come here for alot of help.

Offline dusty99

  • Member
  • Posts: 103
Welcome to the forum, Sorry to hear about your status, but as you said you can live. It is unfortunate that your family has turned on you. I have not revealed my status to mine for just that reason. Although it isn't for religious reasons, it is would be a stigma thing with them. I do hope you continue to live for yourself and your child. I hope that you can have a good relationship with your (I presume ex) wife, this will go a long way in raising your child. I have a similar situation there as well. We are still best friends. She knows my status, as she was the first person I told, even though we are divorced. As I said she is my best friend. Stay on the board, and people here will help you along. Although you may not always want to hear what is being said in response to a question, usually it is sage advice and probably more helpful than you may realize at the time. You will also usually get quite a few responses as well. This can be quite helpful as everyone's experience can help you along in either moving forward with a situation, or show you how to avoid some of the pitfalls. I currently have not had too many questions, but as time progresses I am sure I will. Keep moving forward.

As to the question about religion, only you can make that decision, and it is yours alone. I think that faith is an important element in a person's life and should be looked at in that respect. Just because there are elements that may be construed as anti-whatever, is that in fact what your religion believes about the situation you are in (apply that to any situation not just HIV) You may want to look around, and this is America, you have that freedom, it can't hurt to take advantage of that,  but again, it is your decision alone. Good luck, God bless, and again, welcome to the forum.
17 Mar 08: diagnosed
31 Mar 08 CD4: 565,  30%  VL: 28,900
21 May 08 CD4: 600,  37%  VL: 13,000
25 Oct 08  CD4: 308   34%  VL: 68,000
19 Nov 08 Started Atripla
16 Dec 08  CD4: 580   42% VL: 70
27 Jan 09  CD4: 490   41%  VL: undetectable
24 Mar 09  CD4: 565   42%  VL: undetectable
30 Jun 09  CD4: 615    41% VL: undetectable
25 Sep 09  CD4: 595    47% VL: undetectable

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,785
Yeswecan, welcome to the forums.  I'm glad you found us.

It's ironic how we push away the people we care about the most, isn't it.  I am a recovering addict, so I know that road.  I've been diagnosed since 1989 (I was diagnosed in a treatment center for addiction).  Life does go on; it is possible.

I don't know where you're at in the states, but I would urge you to contact your ASO (Aids Service Organization) very soon.  Your doctor should be able to give you that information, as long as you're seeing a doctor who's specializing in HIV treatment.  They (the ASO) can provide the name of a good therapist; now, don't get all up in arms.  I think you could benefit from the help of a therapist to kind of walk you through this part of your life.  The ASO might also have a support group you could join.  And if there's ever any legal paperwork you need, someone at the ASO can help you with that also. 

As far as religion goes, as you know, here in the US there are many, many different religions.  Just don't buy into one that's full of a lot of hype; know what I mean?

Again, welcome and I hope to hear more from you.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf


Offline YesWeCan

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Thanks to all who replied to me. Bettytacy I am in DC here. I am going to see a therapist and also trying to find out how can i involve my self in different kind of volunteer activities to give back to society where I live. May be give a ride to aged people to doctor or work with AIDS organization. I had so many plans but one thing at a time. My mind is just clearing up. Thanks again. Love you all

Offline xyahka

  • Member
  • Posts: 799
  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Hi, well... i just wanted to say hi and welcome. I try to understand what you are facing and how you are feeling.... Send you big hugs, just remember this virus does not define who you are nor who can love you.
And remember some people say God is love (no matter which God you believe in).


Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 31,903
Yes, it can take a while and it's good to know that your head is "clearing up." Stay in touch here in the Forums. I think you might find that helpful to you. Help is something to both give and receive on the journey.

Cheers to you,
Andy Velez

Offline OutOfDarkness

  • Member
  • Posts: 90
Hello Yes,

Welcome to the forums.  You will find much support and help here.  Your story is heartbreaking and uplifting for me to read.  So many things similar and other things with a different twist, because it is your own story.  I have found that HIV has helped me live my life differently and that my children have also helped me live life differently.  Since being diagnosed in 2000 I have had to live my life differently, had to change many views on life, especially within myself.  I have to learn to be patient and love myself first and take care of myself.  How on Earth do you do this when you have 2 little human beings dependent upon you to be here for most of their lives, if God chooses it to be that way?  Luckily, I made a good decision when I chose who the father of my children would be.  Although we were not together when I contracted HIV, when I found out, he was there first and foremost for our kids.  I have made very difficult choices and decisions about how my children would be able to have the best possible life and everyone choices in this area is unique to your own situation, but one thing that is not unique is that our children need their mother and father.  No matter how difficult it may be to get along with one another, we have had to for the benefit of our children.  Neither one of us is more or most important in their lives, we are equally important in their lives. 

I have thought at times that it would be easier for me not to be here in their lives because of the stigma that HIV still carries with it, unfortunately.  I have thought that they don't deserve to have a parent who is HIV positive and they should not be subject to having a failure of a parent, but that was my own prejudice about this disease.  But with lots of help for my depression and the belief that if I do all that I should do by making the right choices that I may have time to watch my children grow and live a happy life and they do deserve to have BOTH of their parents there to guide them through life and help them learn to make the right choices as well, whether or not their parent has a life threatening disease.  Just because you are HIV positive does not mean you can not be a good parent or that you are less of a person, your life matters to those you love and who love you, even when you think there is no one.

It can be very difficult to figure out who you would like to share this with in your life.  It can be so uncertain how someone may react to the news.  I have found that if I am uncertain about how they will react that it is safer for me not to share, so I have only shared with particular people.  Even then, you can not be completely sure of how they will take the news.  It can be very disappointing, but I look at it as a learning lesson about the people who I am sure I can trust.  And I don't expect too much from them either.  That way I am not let down too much  :)

Soo many things I have had to change, my life is completely turned around.  It is not perfect and neither am I but I must say the changes have made the quality of my life so much nicer a more bearable to live.

Hang in there, love yourself and be patient with how long any changes may take.  They may take what seems like a lifetime or you may notice just the opposite.   

2000 - seroconverted
2005 - cd4 350, VL 113,000
3/06 - started sustiva/truvada
3/08 - cd4 1,300 VL >50(undet.)

Offline YesWeCan

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
wow. your reply is so sweet and so real and your story is heartbreaking. made me cry. always thought that i am the strongest person on earth but really I found my myself since diagnosis. I am so patient now-a-days. Always thankful that I didn't infect my wife or kid. I am not afraid of death. I am thankful that I got an opportunity to truly find myself because there are people who doesn't get that opportunity. I have told only few people and it appears that it would take some time to accept like it took me some time. I am just blessed how my wife is taking this. We are separating but she wants me in my baby's  life as well in all decisions about her. I added you as my buddy. You are a sweet person. Your post gave me so much courage and I will think about your story when I need some courage. God bless you and enjoy your kids. My baby is sweetest thing ever happened to me. . email me sometimes


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