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Author Topic: What do I do? what do I say!  (Read 5160 times)

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Offline Victory101

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What do I do? what do I say!
« on: May 11, 2008, 05:33:00 PM »
Hi Ladies
I've been lurking on here forever and promised to introduce myself one day and still havent got round to doing it. Now I have something I just have to offload a

Just a little about myself. I am an African living in the UK. I have lived here for the last 9 or so years and have been diagnosed since November 1999. I am blessed with two heatlhy children aged 3 and 2. I am expecting another. This pregnancy was not planned at all. I was content with stopping at 2 mainly because of our financiial situation and just how difficult it is to look after little ones over here away from family without any help. I'm now looking forward to the challenge of having 3 kids under 5, I know I can cope. IInitally I was quite depressed at the thought of having another but now I'm looking forward to it. Still don't know how we'll cope financially but hey children are a blessing from God I believe.

I say away from family but actually my husbands sister is over here but she might as well not be as we don't really get along. She is expecting her first child this month and herein lies the problem. Her Mum ( My mother in law() is coming to visit. HELP!!!

Hubby told me this morning and I thought oh no problem. It didn't occur to me that she is going to stay 6 months like some people do. Then he later told me she will actually be around when I have my baby in september.  When I had my two boys my biggest problem was explaining to people (and I'm refereing to Africans here why i was not breastfeeding. Luckily I don't live in London...phew...so not many of my people came to visit but not breastfeeding and lieing about it bugged me. . Every African woman I know (well except those with our condition) breastfeeds....and we don't do it in secret either. Its just the way it is and if I was not positive I would have also breastfed. Fortunately the period  babies are expected to be breastfed goes by qucikly and at about 7 or 8 months I begin to say well, he just didn't want it anymore or something along these lines .  I had actaully forgotten about the lies. Now when mil is here what reason do I give her for not breastfeeding? I have a feeling that everyone knows that if you don't breastfeed and if you've had a csection, the automatic conclusion is you are "sick" or a "victim" as some people call us.  She is the last person I would like to know that I have this condition.  My hubby is negative so there is no need for her to know.

I've already told hubby she (and my isister in law) are not to come to hospital. Thats another thing. In hospital, we are given single rooms for privacy (eveyone else shares, think there are about 4 beds in ward) and last time when sister in law came she was looking at the charges and whistled or made some sort of incredulous sound and I had to  lie that actually there were no beds available and thats why I was there.....We don't pay to be in the single reeom or even in hospital for that matter (for the benefit of those who do not know about the way hospitals work here)

I just hope she doesn't plan to come and stay with me when bubs is born. How do I explain the medsI give to bubs but I think there is little danger of that happening. I will just make out that we are coping really well. Hubby is saving all his holidays for that period anyway so she will not be welcome.

As a by the way, when I had my first two, my Mum came to stay with me. She only ever stays for a month (bless her). I get on really well with my Mum and she knows about my condition and they (my family) have been fantastic and very supportive.

Thats it for now. Look forward to your thoughts on what to tell the mother in law but I  just know whaterver I say, they will be speculating!

Offline BT65

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Re: What do I do? what do I say!
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2008, 07:19:34 PM »
Hi Victory, and welcome to the women's forum. 

You're in a tough situation.  I would probably just say "I choose not to breastfeed."  Or tell her that the doctor told you you don't have good milk (which actually happened to my mum) and therefore have to formula-feed. 

Good luck with your pregnancy.  I hope to hear more from you.
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Offline Snowangel

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Re: What do I do? what do I say!
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2008, 07:47:09 PM »
Hi Victory-
I ran into the same thing with both my pregnancies.  With my son, I  said that my milk did not come in  in time and that he would not attach to my nipple right and therefore I was afraid he would not get fed enough.  For my second pregnacy, I told everyone it was physically impossible for me because there were 3, which might work for you since you have 3 small ones.  I was too tired to breast feed.  If you have him naturally you could say that your tore during delivery and required stitches that are very painful and require medication that is not good for the baby and same thing if you have a c-section.

Good Luck!

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The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

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Offline 27years

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Re: What do I do? what do I say!
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2008, 09:33:52 AM »
Good lucky with your pregnancy.  Its really encouraging to others who think its impossible to start a family when poz.  Anyway i might not be of much help to your mother in law situation.  i will have to go with others that just find a medical excuse to do with your breast,  or you can just be straight with them and tell them that you just don't want to do it you are too exhausted from childbirth.  Most of the time they will associate it with you being lazy not being ill.  Being from Africa doesn't mean people should walk all over you.  Just take a stand for yourself wether against you sister in law or your mother in law.  People will talk for a few days but after sometime they will shut up and learn to live with you as you are.  Do you have a relative of your own whom you can confide in and go and stay with them just until when your mother in law goes back.  That way it might reduce the number of visits she makes to you.  It seems like you are not in good box with her and i suggest you try and resolve the underlaying issues with her for the sake of her relationship with her son.  i haven't got a mother in law because i haven't been married so i might be uttering rubbish because i don't have practical experience dealing with them.

Welcome to the forums.  Hopefully the situation will get better
Nobody dies a virgin life screws us all up

Offline thandi

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Re: What do I do? what do I say!
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2008, 04:35:36 PM »
Hi Victory

My sister who  is not positive just does not like breastfeeding. She has three children and the last one is 8 months and she never breastfeeds. Her husband always want her to breastfeed cause he says baby formula is expensive and she would say that the baby is pulling her nipples and they are sore and would just not breastfeed. Hope it works for you. All the best with your baby and I hope you find a solution with your situation.

Offline Victory101

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Re: What do I do? what do I say!
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2008, 05:49:38 PM »
Ladies thanks for the advice. I have come to the conclusion that whatever reason I come up with, they will still speculate. Probably not in m presence. So I will try not to worry about this until the time comes. I don't get along with my mother in law but then its fair to say that we have never had a row or anything. She lives so faraway for that. I just get the distinct feeling she doesn't like me. I shared the fact about my mohter in law comeing with a friend and she said I had been lucky that she's been so far away and that unfortunately, it comes with the  packagae (marriage and mother in law issues!)/ I will keep you updated on what happens. Love the forum.

Offline TreDai

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Re: What do I do? what do I say!
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2008, 10:06:07 PM »
Victory,I will be praying that your M.I.L doesn't even notice with the excitement of having two grandchildren born so close together. If she aask why you are not breast feeding .just tell her you choose not to. I live in the U.S and my doctors and family expected me to (I was negative) And i Chose not to and when asked I said i just didn't feel comfortable.  I feel that God is going to work out everything for you and she is not going to notice with all of the excitement going on and she will be preoccupied to even speculate.
"Our people die because of a lack of knowledge"
 Miss Ohio Plus America 2008


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