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Author Topic: Would you lower your standards  (Read 5577 times)

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Offline thandi

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  • Posts: 17
Would you lower your standards
« on: April 28, 2008, 11:45:42 AM »
Hi everyone

It has been quite some time since I have posted. I was dealing with a lot of emotional issues. Just want to find out from you guys. Would you lower your standards in terms of dating because of your HIV status. Been dating this guy but I know we are not at the same level. He knows about my status, dont know whether its the reason I put up with him. He expects me to drive him around to run his errands as he is not mobile and never put gas in my car. We go out for dinner and I pay. He visits my place and expects me to buy food and cook for him. Infact he expects me to do everything for him as he always complain about not having money. Who has money as our economy is so bad with gas, electricity, interest rates rising up every day. I feel I am up to here with him but I am scared if I dump him no one else would love me again. Even with my status I still do believe in love.

Sorry I just needed to vent a bit.

Hope everyone is fine.


Offline wishful

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Re: Would you lower your standards
« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2008, 12:00:47 PM »
Thandi: I think you know the answer to your own question. You said it already..He is not on your level and speaking from personal experience..the relationship was doomed the moment you realized that. Just bcus we are Poz doesnt make us LOSERS..so why date one?
Live life to the fullest...

Offline Snowangel

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Re: Would you lower your standards
« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2008, 12:12:56 PM »
I agree with what Wish said.  You know what you deserve and how you deserve to be treated, the right person will come along for you, you just have to be patient.
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline Dragonette

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Re: Would you lower your standards
« Reply #3 on: April 28, 2008, 12:13:35 PM »
Hi Thandi

the way I see it, 2 problems:
1) he is not on your level - you didn't elaborate but I am guessing, not having enough in common to enjoy his company?

2) he expects you to do an awful lot of things and does little in return - asymetric relationship. But what do you expect? have you thought of asking him to do things for you? Next time he complains about not having money, complain right back! ask him for gas money. ask him to pay for dinner - tell him you can't afford it. if he doesn't pull thru, if he continues to treat you like a free resuatrant/chauffer, you will not what to do, esp. if 1) is correct as well. Then what do you get out of it?

I've been there lots of time before being diagnosed. Strangly for me being diagnosed has pushed me to go for the real thing and the real thing only, but - and this is 2) - I learned to ask for the things I need and for this I needed to identify them first, I also learned that a guy can't answer all my needs and soothe all my troubles no matter how amazing he us. I don't expect Mr Perfect anymore but I won't settle for something that doesn't feel right cos it's about how you feel.... Good luck to you.  
"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline mimi1965

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Re: Would you lower your standards
« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2008, 02:01:59 PM »
 :D Hey There!!  First off you know how you want to be treated so why should you be subjected to someone that is not at your level?!  You are priority!!!  Love yourself!!  If you don't love you what does it matter if anyone else does?  Like your friends and I are telling yousomeone is out there for you...just for you...I've been there and done that!!!  Life is too short not to be happy!!  Take each day as it comes and enjoy it as if it were your last!!  Go and enjoy yourself!!
Always, Mimi

Offline thandi

  • Member
  • Posts: 17
Re: Would you lower your standards
« Reply #5 on: April 28, 2008, 02:51:02 PM »
Hi ladies

Thanx for your responses, I feel better already.

Wish- you are right I know what to do I just needed some kind of reassurance.

Sknow - You are are right gal I deserve to be treated good as I try my best to treat myself good. I would not have allowed this kind of treatment before my diagnosis. Don't know if its the self-esteem due to being poz that makes myself to be allowed to be treated like this. But I promise I am taking action cause I am not happy at all in the relationship its working on me.

Drag - Not at the same level with him means I have a good career than he has but he still works, there is no excuse for him telling me that he does not have money all the time. I dont realy need him to take care of me but I want to be treated good sometimes, I dont think it is fair for me to forever give as if I am buying his love because of my status, this is how I feel right now. Moreover there is not even great sex involved dont know why I am with him anyway.

Mimi1965 - Thanks gal I wont settle for less anymore. I know I deserve the best.

Thanks again ladies you are the best.


Offline BT65

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Re: Would you lower your standards
« Reply #6 on: April 28, 2008, 09:58:24 PM »
Thandi-dump that loser!

Just because we're HIV+ doesn't mean we have to settle for someone we don't feel connected to.  You should not be paying for the gas to run him all over, paying for the tab when you guys go out to eat, etc.  What advice would you give someone in your situation?  I believe we need to follow the advice we would give someone else.

I think maybe you're having trouble coming out and telling him you want to end it.  And I could be wrong, it's just something I'm picking up on.  I have trouble like that myself sometimes.  But, once it's done, you'll feel a lot better. 

We shouldn't settle for someone we truly don't like being around.  Take good care of yourself, and good things will follow. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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Offline dvinemstre

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Re: Would you lower your standards
« Reply #7 on: April 28, 2008, 11:29:56 PM »
I would say that lowering standards because of being POZ is not my strategy. I have actually raised my standards. Rather than being happy go lucky and doing what i want with whom i want, I have realized there are two kinds of guys, in general: 1) those who would never ask about status, don't care and they themselves have been after whatever they can get from me - delete....2) guys who ask a million and one questions then some walk away and some stick around. IF you really care about someone and you are the only one in the relationship actually caring, then I say , In the words of Medea "I can do BAD all by myself!" I think the suggestion of getting some counseling is appropriate, as it is so true that a person can only be as open to another as they are to themself, and have others value them as much as they value themself. Being POZ has taught me I am precious and time is precious in a way nothing else has...so make the most of it. Hope this helps. hugs, Z


  • Guest
Re: Would you lower your standards
« Reply #8 on: April 29, 2008, 06:57:32 AM »
i fell into that trap a little while ago, going out with a guy who took advantage of me and me being afraid to dump him coz of fear i'd never find anyone to be with. i agree with what everyone said, dont lower your standards, u deserve someone who truly loves you and does his part to make a relationship work. dont let him use you Thandi, its better to be alone than unhappy. love yourself and know you deserve better than what that loser is doing to you. :-*

Offline cjc

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Re: Would you lower your standards
« Reply #9 on: April 29, 2008, 07:44:19 AM »
Thandi, even if you weren't pos, you would need to get rid of him. He sounds like a whiner and a user . Think of what you could buy yourself with the money  you are wasting on him. Someone will love you for you, Not , because of,  or in spite of, the hiv. You deserve better.    Cristy

Offline thandi

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  • Posts: 17
Re: Would you lower your standards
« Reply #10 on: April 29, 2008, 03:24:27 PM »
Hi ladies

Betytacy - you are so right, initially I had trouble in coming out and dump this loser, but the more I think about it I am more unhappy than happy in this relationship. It is better to get over with so as to carry on with my life. I appreciate your advice.

dvinemstre, Tendai and Cristy - thanx gals for your advice and words of encouragement, it feels so good to know that you are not alone.

Luv you so much gals, take care everyone.



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