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Author Topic: Well, possibly, most likely I will take them.....  (Read 1474 times)

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Offline traveltramp

  • Member
  • Posts: 40
Well, possibly, most likely I will take them.....
« on: April 07, 2008, 09:32:37 PM »
For those of you who responded to my last posting.. I can offer a big Thank You and I admit that was not one of my good days and it is my tendency to go completely over the edge with my ranting and raving about how I am the only one in the world that suffers.  I do this every so often and I know better, but somehow it comes out as a 2 year old having a tantrum.  So, again thanks. 

Thunter34 - thanks for your honesty and seeing though my bullshit, because it did stink to high heaven and I appreciate you pointing that out to me. 

27Years - thanks for your kindness..  You reminded me that wanting something and actually getting it are two different things.  It is true.  I was at that moment dealing with many different emotions.  It would seem silly at this point to try to explain any of it, because I don't understand it myself most of the time.

BuckmarkTX -  I want to answer some of the questions you brought up.  Mostly for myself but you can read along if you like.  You asked if I had knowingly infected this person.  This is a great question and I am glad you asked it.  At the time I had unprotected sex with him I did NOT know that I was HIV positive.  What I did know is that having sex without a condom was NOT correct and I did it anyway.  I must interject also on the rare occasion I have had unprotected anal sex and had my partner ejaculate I can say I HATE how I feel.. .(Yes, MOM and DAD this is MY responsibility and there is no one other than myself to do this for me... except myself)... Now, did I do it with intention.  I am not sure.  This is where the conflict comes... I can be mad at myself for having sex without protection of MYSELF, and I can also be mad at myself for not protecting someone else.   I feel shame that I was so selfish that it is possible I did infect him because I KNEW BETTER...  Ahh... this is the part that is hard.  So, do I know for a fact that he was infected by me.. NO.  I don't, yet my good friends HOPELESS and DEPRESSION sure like to tell me that it is a fact and that I am a shit for existing.  (I try not to listen to them, but they are so cunning)
Is this person unreachable.  Well, I would have to fly to the Philippines and search a city of about 10 million... It seems such an impossible task...

You ask how long I have been positive and, from my calculations 1 year, this month.  This is possibly a reason for my temper tantrum, does not make it right mind you, but I need a little cookie too.

RapidRod - Yes, thanks... I think I may see a consular.. Where I live it is difficult but there are options.  I live in Central America and well, it is not exactly overflowing with HIV support.  I can see though the confusion about coming to a web site called AidsMeds... Did not think of it, it is funny with what I was talking about, but you should know... it was was not always AidsMeds....small point, but my ego requires it...

Thandi - thanks, you helped me.  It reminded me of how I was infected... It was the other way around... and it was, in the end my responsibility to protect myself.  So, I suppose it makes sense to me that I should stop with my previous conflict and move on with my life.  Wow, that felt good to say. 

Bear60 - thanks for reminding me that once I felt human enough to be supportive to others rather than the blubbering sob story I was last week. 

mjmel - you are right, so right.  There is no reason I can't be who I am.  I forgot that for a moment. 

Dragonette - Get over it!  You are so kind. and that was one of the best things that anyone has said to me.  I often say that to people around me yet when it comes to my own life I don't believe any of the golden nuggets that I dish out.  And your right.  I am a total hypocrite.  Can't have it both ways..... I will now have to walk to the east coast of North America and swim to Asia. Want to go with me?

J.R.E.  - I was fool for having said what I said and I hope that makes me all the more wiser.  It is so easy to say what I said while I am in good health, but you know as well as I do.  I would hate being sick more than being healthy. 

germangirl - I am starting to get repetitive, so to keep up with the tradition, thanks.  You are right.

TreDia - You are kind and compassionate.  Thanks for your energy.  I can feel it.  You are very tender and gentile.

Betttacy and Sonomabeach - I am the guy that will cry that my ice cream it too cold.  Thanks for your support and being there when I needed it.

And for all those who read my post and thought "what a selfish ass hole' well, thanks too, because I was and I still am, but with time I will either only be selfish or an asshole, but not at the same time!

With love

7/7 CD4 669
9/7 CD4 1079 V/L 1200
2/8 CD4 803   V/L 3050
4/8 CD4 805   V/L 2200
9/8 CD4 959   V/L 2418
1/9 CD4 909   V/L 550

Offline germangirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 67
Re: Well, possibly, most likely I will take them.....
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2008, 03:47:58 PM »
Thank god you sound better today.

Keep on walking like this!
Eres el aire que respiro,
Eres el compania de mi soledad,
Eres el luz que me ilumina,
Eres el camino en la oseuidad.
Dedicated to my husband

My husband is positive, I am negative.

Offline J.R.E.

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,540
  • Joined Dec-2003 Living positive, since 1985.
Re: Well, possibly, most likely I will take them.....
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2008, 07:24:01 AM »

J.R.E.  - I was fool for having said what I said and I hope that makes me all the more wiser.  It is so easy to say what I said while I am in good health, but you know as well as I do.  I would hate being sick more than being healthy. 

Your not a fool !!! Things will work out, You will live and learn.

Take care--------Ray
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 20mg of Atorvastatin, 25 mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Amlodipine Besolate 5mg-- Updated 9/24/2017

Diagnosed positive in 1985,.. In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started on  HAART on October 24th, 2003.

 As of 9/18/2017,  Viral load remains <40
CD 4 @358 /  CD4 % @ 13

 65 years young.

Offline mjmel

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,069
Re: Well, possibly, most likely I will take them.....
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2008, 09:10:51 AM »
Couldn't ask for a better response...
and you are so considerate of those who replied to your original post.

Do vent, cry a bit, or have a say now and again.
Best to ya.


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