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Author Topic: All of a Sudden It's So Overwhelming  (Read 5448 times)

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Offline alex9999

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All of a Sudden It's So Overwhelming
« on: April 06, 2008, 09:58:04 PM »
Hi all, I am newly diagnosed within the last month,

First of all I want to say Ive been reading this forum since I tested poz about a month ago. I have to say that the information I have found in here and the compassion and support and kind words that everyone gives (Andy Velez, BettyTacy, and many others) has made HUGE difference in my outlook. Thank you ALL!!!!

So I would like to chime in.....When the Doctor told me I was Poz I didnt cry, scream or really react in any way, I actually told him that I wasnt going to let this Virus get to me. I spent the next few days reseraching as much as I could about HIV, I told my aunt and mother immediately, I went out and bought vitamins and fresh vegetables, I started working out more, I literally changed my life in a matter of a few days. I never cried. I never really got down, I wasnt mad, I wasnt really scared that much. I looked into volunteering at an AIDS hospice to help out my fellow pozzers. Now dont get me wrong, I was by no means happy about being POZ, but something jsut came over me and prevented me from being depressed or angry...........WELL that all came crashing down yesterday, I cried all day and night (Im crying now), I havent left the house, I'm mad, Im depressed, I feel dirty and nasty, I wonder if anyone will ever love me again, I am afraid to be around my friends because I feel guilty for not telling them...aghhhh!!! On top of all of that I have been feeling really sick last couple of days, my glands are hurting, I fell fatigued, I cant stand to look at myself in the mirror, Im afraid I'm gonna die in the next few months (irational, I know, but nevertheless the feelng is there). I go thursday to get my viral load thingy for the first time and Im afraid the doctor is going to tell me bad news. I could go on and on......but my questions is, how do I get through over this emotional crash? I was doing so well at first and no its all gone to shit....Will it be a roller coaster like this forever?? ughhhhhhhhh. I hate this, I cannot believe I did this to myself! ANy suggestions on how to get back in a good mental state of mind????

Offline dgr20002

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Re: All of a Sudden It's So Overwhelming
« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2008, 10:21:35 PM »

I am not the best here at long replies as I am not the best typist but I can see you sitting there refreshing the page waiting on a reply so here is a little something until the more elequent folks come along.

Taking a few days to absorb the news and then at some point letting your feelings out sounds completely normal to me. I had the same thing happen. I was upset when i was told but I didn't cry just then. It may have been a week later. I have been depressed over the diagnosis at times but have gone on and on. 20 years of going on and still doing pretty well. 

You just need to take things one day at a time. Be easy on yourself. Get things you like to eat and so the things you like to do. This is the start of a big change for you and you will get things under control. It takes time. Give yourself time. Let your family be there for you and jsut know that there are better days ahead. You will have down days but we all have those. Even neg people have them. Things deffinately improve and when you get the numbers from the doctor that will be the start of you getting a handle and taking control of this virus.  You can do it and we are all here for you.


edited for typos

Offline BT65

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Re: All of a Sudden It's So Overwhelming
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2008, 10:32:36 PM »
Dear Alex, welcome to the forums!

Everything you're going through is normal.  I was diagnosed in a treatment center (for drugs/booze) on Feb. 13, 1989, and on Feb. 15 my first husband died.  I went through everything you're going through.  It's important to let it all out.  Trying to bottle it or a 'quick fix' to get over it is not going to work in the long run.

I do suggest getting in touch with your local ASO (Aids Service Organization) right away.  They might have a support group or two you could join to air all your feelings.  I also suggest getting a good therapist.  Your ASO or maybe even your doctor could recommend one.  I see a therapist myself and it's been a godsend. 

As far as changing eating, exercising more etc.  All those things are good, but to try to do everything at one time might be a bit overwhelming.  Just make small changes, as you can.  Your emotional state is the most important right now.  The physical stuff will follow.

Good luck with the viral load.  Don't be surprised if it's high.  It's your body trying to adjust to the new 'invader.'  And your CD4s (t cells) might be low as well.  Don't go totally by the first labs.  Look for a trend over about three rounds.  Take care of yourself and let us know what's happening.
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Offline FutureX

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Re: All of a Sudden It's So Overwhelming
« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2008, 10:39:46 PM »
Welcome Alex,

We're here if you need to vent, lord knows most of us have done it plenty enough!

Poz 16 years and no problems whatsoever.

Washington DC

Offline DCGUY2007

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Re: All of a Sudden It's So Overwhelming
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2008, 02:38:30 AM »
Sorry to hear you are feeling down Alex. I think your moods will definitely even out over time. I think continually posting here will help you too. As time goes on you will find out what works best for you to relieve the stress. For some people it is exercise, painting, movies socializing with friends etc. Then sometimes just a good cry might be best. Being in this situation can definitely be frustrating at times. I would give myself more time to just feel my feelings. I know there have been times where I thought I would never stop feeling sad about this situation, then one day I noticed I laughed at a joke and just got tired of being sad and started doing fun things.

But all of this takes time. It is a shock to get news like this. Hope you feel better soon!

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: All of a Sudden It's So Overwhelming
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2008, 08:46:26 AM »
Alex, thank goodness you've gotten past that first flight into dynamic health and are allowing yourself to experience a wider range of feelings. Really!

How about giving yourself a break and just getting through each day, one day at a time. You don't have to rush and do anything or prove anything to anyone. The range of what you've been experiencing from the moment you got the news until now is very familiar territory to regulars here. Give yourself time and things will get righted. This is very, very new to you now. Gradually you're going to see that life is going on and that it will continue to be the mix of glad, sad and in-between that life holds for everyone.

Most important is that you have a doctor who can become a good partner for you in staying healthy. You'll learn everything you need to know about staying healthy. This is the place where you can discuss anything that's on your mind as well as ask questions when you need to.

Welcome. Glad you found your way here when you needed it.   
Andy Velez

Offline ubotts

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Re: All of a Sudden It's So Overwhelming
« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2008, 12:04:38 PM »
What you are going though is normal..

We have all been there....

My first reaction..well I was numb....I didn't react to being hiv at first because I couldn't comprehend it at all..

I also did research and I volunteer in Montiforie hospital in the Bronx in an aids ward..
I thought, is this what my future will be, looking at them made me really sad for them
and wasn't sure what would be instore for me at a later time in my life..

With all the new meds now, its alot easier to have aids or hiv.. At the time I was
volunteering, was in the late 80.s, when all there was for hiv n aids patience was

We have come along way since then in the medical world...So try not to scare yourself thinking about what will come....OK...

Its so much better now..better meds, a deeper understanding for people that do
have hiv...

Omg at the time I was volunteering, people and hospital workers would go into rooms with white suits on covered from head to toe......

They didn't know much about it and were being cautious....But boy, did that scare the crap out of me...To have people who were afraid to bring in food trays..

They would use Styrofoam trays, and not even enter the room...SO you had to walk to the door to pick up your food..

The point is, All of that era is over, and its not too bad at all now to be hiv ...

Welcome and please vent and post away...

We are here to listen and vent ourselves...Hope that helps you feel a bit better..
oh and by the way...
                              WELCOME :)
Live Love Laugh and dance like no ones watching.
Laughter is the best medicine, so try to have a laugh everyday..Even if your not feeling your best, think about something that was funny at one time in your life and work with it..   :o)

Offline mplsdoubled

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  • Posts: 52
Re: All of a Sudden It's So Overwhelming
« Reply #7 on: April 22, 2008, 08:06:06 AM »
Your experience is very similar to mine...I was doing great for months and then I crashed as well.

I heard a story recently about professional surfers.  When asked how they survive "crashing" while ride waves that are several stories tall, they explain that they just "stay calm in the wave."  Instead of flailing about and fighting the crash, they remain calm (and safe) and quite soon they rise to the top.  They explain that it's when a surfer panics in the crash that they usually get disoriented, hurt and confused.

Just stay calm in the wave.  Allow yourself to experience the feelings that you have and don't deny them.  Talk with your doctor and take care of yourself.  All will be well.

Offline xyahka

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  • Posts: 799
  • Dance together!! aha!! aha!! I like it!!
Re: All of a Sudden It's So Overwhelming
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2008, 12:15:26 PM »
I agree with the others who have said you shouldn't feel bad for crying, we all have passed through that... and the more important for a person with a recent diagnosis is to allow himself time to adjust to the new reality, and  not to be too exigent on ourselves...

None expects you to react to this in a certain way, we know how hard it is... and we know it is just matter of time until you recover your own self strenght.... perhaps you should also allow same chance to yourself. I think sometimes one has to cry enough to send all the sadness away... and then... the moment arrives when there is nothing to cry for.

Big hugs, take your time... don't hurry.

Juan Carlos
13/03/07 1er diagnóstico /Peso: 79kg
19/04/07 CD4: 494 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 80kg
19/07/07 CD4: 659 /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79.5kg
06/03/08 CD4: 573 (después de meses muy deprimido) /CViral: ?? /Peso: 79kg
17/09/08 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 84Kg
06/02/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 85Kg /HCV: Neg /HBV: Neg.
07/03/09 CD4: ?? /CViral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg / Gym 3días/semana y Natación 2días/semana.
12/05/09 CD4: 470 /Cviral: ?? /Peso: 87Kg.
08/07/09 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 77Kg.
09/12/09 CD4: 510 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg. No medicinas aún
10/01/10 CD4: ? /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
15/05/10 CD4: 320 /CViral: ? /Peso: 76Kg.
01/02/11 CD4: 291 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
05/05/11 CD4: 366 /CViral: ? /Peso: 78kg.
27/07/11 CD4: 255 /CViral: 138000 /Peso: 78kg.

Disfrutando y aceptando una nueva vida...


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