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Author Topic: My day  (Read 19940 times)

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Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
My day
« on: July 18, 2006, 07:23:52 PM »
Hello people,

I rarely post about my own trips to see my hiv doc. I go every six weeks, once to have bloods drawn and the next time to get my lab results. Yep, I wait six weeks - this time it will be seven - to find out my results.

I'm really sorry that my clinic appointment today conflicted with your needs here in the forum. Please forgive me, but it couldn't be helped as I don't like to cancel. You see, it's not just canceling my appointment, it's also canceling a plane flight and taxis to and from the airports. The airfare is non-refundable.

I had really hoped the thread Aldous started would have ended differently. I hoped that he would see that he didn't need to use inflammatory language to get his point across. I probably should have just kept my big friggin mouth shut - but I didn't know that just when I'd really need my wits about me, I'd get one of my cricket bat headaches. Sorry, I should have known.

I only got two hours of sleep last night before I had to be up - leaving plenty of time to spare for my ritual morning gut explosions to settle down - to jump in a taxi at 6:15 am. It was hotter than blazes in Liverpool today and as most places aren't air conditioned, tempers were flaring everywhere. At least I finally managed to convince my doc that I need to see an hiv experienced GYN doc because I'm sick and tired of being incapacitated for two weeks out of every four for the past four years.

(And it ain't easy to bring up menstrual problems in a room full of men... gay or straight.)

Anyway, I'd hoped that we could all have a discussion about the need for a little more support for people who identify for heterosexuals. Not in this forum, because this forum is second to none, no matter who you are, but in real life, where we access our services. I'm not talking about anyone having more entitlement that anyone else, or whatever prejudice or phobia or what the hell ever, I'm just talking about our differing needs. Hiv is, after all, a sexually transmitted infection and we have different ways of having sex - and we're built differently too. Simple as that. Like I said, it can be difficult to bring up menstrual problems in a room full of men. I am NOT advocating any kind of segregation. Some specialised support CAN be offered alongside general, "we're all in this together" support, and I know this to be true because it is a reality for some groups.

You know, just because I tried to pick up on what I assumed to be the crux of Aldous's post, doesn't mean I agreed with his delivery - or even all of his ideas. I was trying to find a common ground and I was hoping he's take the hint and tone down. I guess I fucked up.

Anyway, I'm bone-tired and headachy and I'm getting off the track here. My daughter just came in as well and I'm having a really tough time keeping my train of thought, so please bear with me.

On clinic days, I get up at 4:30 am and leave the house by 6:15 am. I don't get back home until between 8:30 and nine pm. It's a long day.

What do I come home to today? A pm chewing me out for daring to speak my mind to anther forum member - chastising me as though I am a child. I look in the forum and I find I'm being accused of being homophobic and racist. Yeah, right, whatever. All because I dared to say that as a straight white woman I sometimes feel marginalised when accessing hiv services. I didn't realise I wasn't allowed to voice my personal experience and feelings. My bad.

And then to top it off, I read this: "Ann, maybe you should do your job.  We need more sensitivity like this." My job? I rarely take a day off from this forum. RARELY. In fact, I take one day - and even then it's not usually a full day - off every six weeks. That's less than one day a month, for my clinic appointment that I have to get on an airplane at the crack of dawn to get to. Furthermore, I do NOT get paid for what I do here. I do it out of my belief in this forum as a source of support for everyone and anyone who lives with hiv. As a place where marginalised and isolated people can get a modicum of support.

I was also told in a PM that "These days more often than not you just get in the way. You just wipe the arses of Worried Wells." I just wipe the asses of the Worried Wells? Excuse me, but I though I was doing my bit for hiv prevention education.

If I'm not always as articulate as I want and need to be, or as articulate as YOU want and need me to be, I'm sorry. I'm a human being too and I'm not perfect. I'm also living with hiv and I have shitty days when I'm not in the best of humour. I made a balls up of getting my point across in Aldous's thread - but shit happens and I would have thought with my track record here people would realise and cut me a little slack.

I'm not going to stomp off in a rage, vowing to never post again. This site means too much to me to do that. I just want you guys to know I'm a human being with good bits and rough bits just like the rest of you. And I live with hiv too and sometimes I need to take time out from "doing my job" here to look after my own health needs. And sometimes I don't make my point very well, as I obviously didn't in that thread.



And yes, I know this post is disjointed and probably a bit garbled, but I really needed to get this off my chest.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline fearless

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Re: My day
« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2006, 07:42:17 PM »
You're a good stick Ann  :-*
little Steve
Be forgiving, be grateful, be optimistic

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: My day
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2006, 07:44:21 PM »

It's ok to be off. Even off-duty.
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Lisa

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Re: My day
« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2006, 07:48:35 PM »
I am concerned for you, and I love you.
There have been unkind things said, and done over the last couple of days. I have every faith, that all of us care that you had a really bad day.
I know you are tired tonite, but I'm glad to hear that your daughter is home for a visit. Take some time to relax, and enjoy your visit with her.
 I can only think of a few rare instances of your not being here at some point of every day.
I think that says so much more about your character, and dedication.
I hope your bloods are roger, and you two have a nice visit.

 Wonder Weasel ;D
No Fear  No Shame  No Stigma
Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: My day
« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2006, 08:01:19 PM »

I wish she was just home for a visit... she's home for the summer. :o She came in from an evening with her mates when I was in the middle of posting and wanted to know about my day and tell me about hers. My head was spinning. I love her really. :D

I think I'm overtired and wound up. If I still drank, I'd have a nightcap and go to bed. Think I'll fish out my rubber mallet.

Thanks for listening to my rant guys. I needed that this evening.


Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline jyngfilm

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  • AHH! I knew it, Betty had balls
Re: My day
« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2006, 08:08:44 PM »
i dont even know what happened, and dont care. you've personally helped me...and you didnt have to. i sure would like to hug you and say thanks. keep doing what you do best, dont look back. love~jordon
munchausen by proxy is not an out in my case

Offline DCGuy511

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Re: My day
« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2006, 08:09:51 PM »
You do a fantastic job. I'm sorry that people are yelling, screaming or whining.  While I think we do need moderators, I think that we could all act a little more like adults, too. For as long as I've known this site I've looked forward to your wise thoughts. I've never read any sort of homophobic or racist comments in anything you posted.  Please take care of yourself, relax and try to enjoy some time with your daughter.  This place will survive, even if you take a few days off. 


Infected/Diagnosed Fall 2003
"No Man Is An Island" - J Donne

Offline AlanBama

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Re: My day
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2006, 08:16:21 PM »
Ann,  you are loved and appreciated!   Probably more than you know...

Take some time to take care of YOU.   :-*


"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline zephyr

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    • Zephyr L.T.N.P. Foundation, Inc.
Re: My day
« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2006, 08:41:25 PM »
Dear Ann,

I want you to know that this place would not be the same without your incredible words of wisdom. Your committment to our 'CAUSE' is most profound, and I, for one, have been nothing but inspired by you for the last 10 months.

Speaking one's mind/opinions should never be censored, here on the forums, or anywhere, for that matter. We all know that each of us is a flesh and blood human being behind our screens, full of emotions, physical pain and difficulties.

I am sorry for the negative 'p.m.'s' that were sent your way. I am hoping that your pm box will, instead, be filled with words of love and support tonight, and tomorrow, and for many days to come.

Please take care of yourself!

With love,

Zephyr :-*
"It is character that communicates most eloquently."

Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: My day
« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2006, 09:07:36 PM »
Dear Ann,

I never really pay attention or at least remember who is "straight" and who is "gay" unless the mention in a specific post that I am reading at the time.  My closest friend is "straight," we talk about everything as we sit on the porch for entire days.  He is 4th generation San Franciscan, a carpenter and last Summer when I was so sick, he came over every day to see that I had taken my meds and made a pot of soup so I would at least try to eat something.

"Gay", "straight" or "completely indifferent," what difference could it make when we are all screen names with a keyboard?  We all live with HIV or at least care about someone who does and that is why we are here.

In the months I have been a participating member of these forums, I never did send you a PM.  I just say what I have to say in front of the world, as I am doing now:

ANN is the BEST
Have the best day


Offline manchesteruk

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Re: My day
« Reply #10 on: July 18, 2006, 09:22:51 PM »
Ann I can't believe anyone would say anything like that to you.  There's nothing wrong with stating your opinions on here if someone has a problem with that then they shouldn't be participating in a public forum.  I'm going to say something tomorrow when i can put across what i mean in a better way but seriously for anyone to accuse you of being homophobic is absolutely ridiculous just ignore that bullshit it's not worth your energy.
« Last Edit: July 18, 2006, 09:24:58 PM by manchesteruk »
Diagnosed 11/05

"Life is too important to be taken seriously" Oscar Wilde

Offline Teresa

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Re: My day
« Reply #11 on: July 18, 2006, 09:32:21 PM »

I am truly sorry that someone sent you those pms. For the last few days I thought maybe I was at the wrong forums.

I want you to know that when i came here a few months ago and posted in Am I Infected it was you who calmed my fears and gave me hope. I hope you realize how much your words and Andys words meant to me.

I think you do your job here very good! Rest well and take care of yourself.

Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)

Offline livingpositively

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Re: My day
« Reply #12 on: July 18, 2006, 09:59:48 PM »


Bollucks (is that how you spell it?) to em.  You do, in fact, fill a very important role...a role that a lot of people have said, "I need a break for a few days" from.  Yet you never seem to be gone.  Every once in a while, I still (for some unknown reason) go have a look in the Am I Infected forum and I just see you ever so patiently telling these WWs that they are fine.  ooover and ooover and ooover.  I don't know how you do it, quite honestly.  I certainly don't, and probably A WHOLE LOT of people don't, have the patience for that.  I'm more along the lines of "will you, for the love of god, shut the fuck up already.  You're negative."  hehe  But that's just me.

So that's it...except, thanks for being a strong enough person and thinking enough of the forums to stick around through this time.


4/6/07   CD4 450, % 23, No VL
2/19/07 CD4 487, % 26, VL 47,500
1/4/07   CD4 357, % 27, No VL
10/3/06 CD4 500, % 26, VL 18,000
7/6/06   CD4 530, % 29, VL 83,800
4/6/06   CD4 555, % 28, VL 13,000

Offline Life

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  • Member 2005
Re: My day
« Reply #13 on: July 18, 2006, 10:11:36 PM »
How in the Hell do you do it!!!! ;D

Offline Eldon

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Re: My day
« Reply #14 on: July 18, 2006, 10:30:34 PM »

I can remeber back on the first day or week that I joined the forums. I had no direction or no clue as to the support that is available here until...you came in and showed me the way. You encouraged me to open up and share more about me and this I will never forget.

I beleive that you are the best and don't let the bull crap get you so worked up. In my life I have helped so many and there have been occasions where I was stepted on and no thanked for the effort I have put forth.

Get some rest, take care of yourself and recharge the batteries.

We are all in this togehter regardless of "who" you are.

Offline joemutt

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Re: My day
« Reply #15 on: July 18, 2006, 11:31:11 PM »
Hey Ann, be well! This wouldn't be the same space without you. :-*

Offline Robert

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Re: My day
« Reply #16 on: July 18, 2006, 11:45:55 PM »

   % uck 'em, Ann.

   Do not cast your pearls before swine.

   you're the best. 



Offline OzPaul

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  • a very blessed 29 year ltnp
Re: My day
« Reply #17 on: July 19, 2006, 01:45:38 AM »
Dear Ann

I think you're awesome exactly as you are. Hope you can take some time to rest if you can. Please know that for me you are kind, wise, humourous, gentle and strong. A real person living in the real world.

Wishing you all the best


Offline sweetasmeli

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  • Love what you are...
Re: My day
« Reply #18 on: July 19, 2006, 03:13:34 AM »
What a pool full of s**t to come home to!
Well, you know how I feel about ya hon! :)
Soz I didn't make it on to msn last night.
Get this: I was OUT...ON MY OWN...in the village...till 11.30pm! MAJOR STEP for me, as you know!
Will fill you in later...I'm off for a cycle and a swim...GET ME EH?! ;D OK, deep breath...

Melia X
/\___/\       /\__/\
(=' . '=)    (=' . '=)
(,,,_ ,,,)/   (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Yeia kai hara (health and happiness) to everyone!

Offline frenchpat

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Re: My day
« Reply #19 on: July 19, 2006, 04:20:43 AM »
I was also told in a PM that "These days more often than not you just get in the way. You just wipe the arses of Worried Wells." I just wipe the asses of the Worried Wells? Excuse me, but I though I was doing my bit for hiv prevention education.


I haven't been here long, but one of the reasons I joined is because of the way the "Worried Wells" were being answered to here, mostly by you and a few others. When I read those I wished I had found this place four years earlier when I was told I was HIV+.

I don't personaly know many people whith HIV but I cannot imagine that anybody who's been told "errr, I have bad news, you tested positive..." felt good, comfortable and serene after hearing that. I cannot believe that someone did not even worry.
I am shocked by the sentence "You just wipe the arses of Worried Wells" because I think that this emphatic answering you do is what we all craved for that one particular day.
Granted you get to answer some people who have no cause to worry, who totally lack information on the subject and, sometimes it seems, on any thing related to sexual relationships. But they are still worried sick and turned to this place to get some kind of answer or reassurance.
Information and reassurance you give them, very generously, and I think that is great. Because if amongst all those "Worried Wells" there is one person who, despite all appearances, will turn out to be HIV positive, then this person will have been helped already by being listened to.

Thank you for doing a great job and for not being perfect :-*

People have the power - Patti Smith

Offline BassMan

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  • Gran Canaria 2006
Re: My day
« Reply #20 on: July 19, 2006, 04:36:48 AM »

You do a grand job my dear. I certainly couldn't do it. Take a deep breath, get some well-earned rest and rise above it.

It's OK to speak your mind, and it's certainly OK to put your own health needs first. None of us expects you to be Mary Poppins. :D

I hope everything went well with the doc. PM me when you're next in Liverpool; we'll do lunch!

(who's practically imperfect in every way)

Edited after a strange vision of Ann flying over the Irish Sea under a black umbrella!! The drugs must be kicking in early today!!
« Last Edit: July 19, 2006, 05:07:43 AM by BassMan »
Diagnosed December 2002
CD4 810 VL 750,000

Started meds October 2004
CD4 405 VL >100,000

Latest Results: October 2009
CD4 888 38%, VL undetectable
on fosamprenavir/ritonavir & Truvada

VL undetectable since November 2005

Offline gerry

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  • Joined AM Feb 2003
Re: My day
« Reply #21 on: July 19, 2006, 05:22:51 AM »

Your health care is and should be on top of your priority list, period.  Other things, your "job" here included, can wait.

I do believe you have the best interest of the forums at heart.  I don't expect you to be perfect.  And I don't (and I'm sure you don't, either) expect you to be understood or liked by everyone all the time as well.  I don't know of anyone else here who would be willing to do what you have done day in and day out for the overall benefit of these forums.  You do your best and that's all anyone can ask for.  If missteps happen along the way, you try your best to remedy it and move on.

I still have faith.


Offline penguin

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Re: My day
« Reply #22 on: July 19, 2006, 05:32:26 AM »
You're good with me, mrs. You're good with me.  :)

Ride the waves..


Offline Nadine

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Re: My day
« Reply #23 on: July 19, 2006, 06:11:44 AM »
Dearest Ann,

I'm so sorry you had a bad day. Please know that you are loved and appreciated here. You do a wonderful job!

Take some "YOU" time. YOU deserve it.


Offline kcmetroman

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Re: My day
« Reply #24 on: July 19, 2006, 07:17:31 AM »

My statement was in no way pointed at you.  If you read my quotes, they were pointed at another illustrious member of this forum, and the attacks involved, really  on both sides of those posts.  I think that everyone has a right to post here, and everyone has a right to read or not to read.

I hope that things get better.

Offline Moffie65

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Re: My day
« Reply #25 on: July 19, 2006, 10:22:12 AM »

Do something nice for Ann today.  She really deserves it!

In Love and Adoration.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline aztecan

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  • 32 years positive, 60 years a pain in the butt
Re: My day
« Reply #26 on: July 19, 2006, 10:41:56 AM »

You mean you aren't super human?  Who woulda thought?

Seriously, you're tops with me. Now, do something fun for yourself.


"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline JohnOso

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Re: My day
« Reply #27 on: July 19, 2006, 11:29:58 AM »

You got nothing but love from me, baby.  Thanks for caring enough to be there for EVERYONE!  But please, Missy, take some time for yourself.


Offline ACinKC

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Re: My day
« Reply #28 on: July 19, 2006, 11:52:17 AM »

All great families have their tiffs now and again.  I am of the belief this will all soon pass.  What you do on this site is priceless, please keep up the good work.  I for one DO NOT have the patience to deal with all the WW on the AM I infected Forum!  You are a saint!

Just sayin....  (new guy swiping the phrase of the month!)
LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT A

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: My day
« Reply #29 on: July 19, 2006, 12:16:58 PM »
Well said, Ann. And needed saying.


Andy Velez

Offline Terry

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  • 7/13/82 Infected
Re: My day
« Reply #30 on: July 19, 2006, 12:52:49 PM »

Never shut your mouth. The exchange of ideas and everyone's life experiences are what make this place what it is. People learn from speaking, reading and discussing issues.

Iíll have a brandy for you but that rubber mallet sounds better off in your hands.  LOL! Is that a girl toy? Just asking.   ::)


Offline David_CA

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Re: My day
« Reply #31 on: July 19, 2006, 01:17:51 PM »
I think you have the respect of almost everybody on this forum.  You are more than a moderator; moderators on most forums just edit and delete posts.  You're much more than that.  You are a member... almost like a 'house mother'... I don't know what you'd call 'em over there, but I think you get my drift.

Warranted or not, personal attacks have no place on this forum.  It must be the heat, as the tempers have been flying lately.  That doesn't excuse the bad behavior, though.  I hope those who've participated in the viciousness lately have at least offered an apology to you.  I know that I, and probably others, was shocked when we read those comments directed to you.  I appreciate your efforts here on these forums; they wouldn't be what they are without you.  Take care.

Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline J.R.E.

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Re: My day
« Reply #32 on: July 19, 2006, 02:41:14 PM »
Hello Ann,

Just sending lots of love and hugs your way!!! I think you do a fantastic job, but your health always comes first, so take a break when need be. No sense pushing it. Hope your feeling better soon.

 The Best----Ray
« Last Edit: July 19, 2006, 03:03:06 PM by J.R.E. »
Current Meds ; Viramune, Epzicom, 20mg of Atorvastatin, 25 mg of Hydrochlorothiazide.
Amlodipine Besolate 5mg-- Updated 9/24/2017

Diagnosed positive in 1985,.. In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started on  HAART on October 24th, 2003.

 As of 9/18/2017,  Viral load remains <40
CD 4 @358 /  CD4 % @ 13

 66 years young.

Offline wellington

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Re: My day
« Reply #33 on: July 19, 2006, 02:59:32 PM »
It's refreshing to read that moderators are real people who face the same kinds of challenges as do we all. It would take the wisdom of Methuselah to please everyone in pllodding forward but I've a great sense that the time and effort you invest in this site, and on these forums, is appreciated tremendously. And that goes for me, as well.

Take care of you first. You're important.


Offline Lou-ah-vull

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Re: My day
« Reply #34 on: July 19, 2006, 03:15:33 PM »

What a lesson for all us....look (and take a deep breath) before your post!  The impulsivity of digital communication has led to an overall boorishness throughout the world.  People speak inappropriately on cell telephones as well as email and none of it can be taken back once it is disseminated. 

I hope your experience is a lesson for all of us that unless you have walked many miles in another's shoes, you cannot possibly know or understand their experience.  You have certainly enlightened and inspired me with your story of challenge, sacrifice, and difficulty. 

Like so many here, I appreciate all that you have done and continue to do to make this service (I even refer to it as ministry) available for all.  Those of us who are gay should be among the last on earth to even think of marginalizing another person's experience because it is different than ours.  Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

I certainly hope things are better for you today.  At tle least, this public outpouring of support can be some consolation.  Thanks again!

Diagnosed Oct. 2005
10/05:  367 (26.2%), 24556 VL
01/06:  344 (24.6%), 86299 VL
04/06:  374 (22.0%), 87657 VL
05/06:  Began HAART 05/15/06, Combivir/Kaletra
07/06:  361 (27.8%), 1299 VL
10/06:  454 (32.4%), 55 VL
01/07:  499 (38.4%), UD
02/07:  Switched to Atripla 2/8/07
04/07:  566 (37.7%), UD
08/07:  761 (42.3%), UD
06/08:  659 (47.1%), UD
01/09:  613 (43.8%), UD
07/09:  616 (47.4%), UD
01/10:  530 (44.2%), UD
07/10:  636 (48.9%), UD
01/11:  627 (48.2%), UD
07/11:  840 (52.5%), UD
01/12:  920 (51.1%), UD
07/12:  857 (50.4%), 40
10/12:  UD
01/13:  710 (47.3%), UD
07/13:  886 (49.2%), UD
01/14:  985 (46.9%), UD
06/14:  823 (47.2%), UD
01/15: 1366 (45.2%), UD
07/15: 1134 (50.7%), UD
02/16: 1043 (55.1%), UD
08/16:  746  (55.4%), UD
08/16:  Switch from Atripla to Genvoya

Offline bear60

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Re: My day
« Reply #35 on: July 19, 2006, 03:39:01 PM »
I think I enjoy a good debate as much as anyone else, but I will say, Ann, that its cool heads that prevail when things get out of hand. You are probably a "cool head" and your responses to the worry wells are what I would call "professional". Sometimes I feel like its tough being a newcomer here, trying to figure out whats what and who is easy to talk to and who is not.  Thanks for the work you do to keep the forums going.
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline david25luvit

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Re: My day
« Reply #36 on: July 19, 2006, 08:47:28 PM »

           Not to worry, my lady.  You are loved and admired ::)
Personally I love you more than my luggage...and I just bought it :o

But seriously...You do a bang up job and I for one appreciate your heart work and your dedication.
(No pun intended) :P
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline water duck

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Re: My day
« Reply #37 on: July 20, 2006, 07:15:57 AM »
Dear Ann,

When i read your post, i was saddened by it and don't what else to say, well, sweetheart, i got lucky today and i came across this on the net, and i really llike to share it with you  ;) ;)

You are the joy of all joyous things;
You are the light of the beam of the sun;
You are the surpassing star of guidance;
You are the step of the deer on the hill;
You are the step of the horse in the river valley;
You are the shape of the swan of swimming;
You are the grace of all lovely graces.
-Old Gaelic Blessings-

Cheers !!


« Last Edit: July 20, 2006, 07:18:10 AM by water duck »

Offline Dachshund

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Re: My day
« Reply #38 on: July 20, 2006, 09:10:00 AM »
Dear Ann,

Thanks Ann...you are a class act and I am honored to call you friend.


Offline Trish

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Re: My day
« Reply #39 on: July 20, 2006, 10:08:16 AM »
Hi Ann,

I understand...

I believed that Aldous had no hidden agenda too, and also felt that I should have kept my big mouth shut, but hey, we do have the right to voice ourselves even if that means we are shouted down and called whiners or whatever.  If that's the way some people perceive our opinions, feelings & experiences to be, well so be it.  It's a shame that some people can't respect the experiences of others as just that -- an experience in one's life, nothing more, nothng less.  But hey, what the heck?  We're only human after all.

Ann, you are well-respected and loved here, as well as looked up to... All I see is a woman who is trying her best to make things smoother for WW's and newly infected/diagnosed.  I also see a woman who is doing what she needs to do to make a difference in the world.  I see a woman who is educating others and doing so with more grace and dignity than most.  My hat is off to you Ann... I admire your strength, courage and determination in all that you do for all of us.  I hope that one day I can be as graceful as you -- YOU ARE ONE CLASSY LADY.

Wishing you better days to come...

Hugs to you my friend,

"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is buit."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Offline Cliff

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Re: My day
« Reply #40 on: July 20, 2006, 05:04:10 PM »

I've read this thread a few times and I dreaded responding to it, even though I knew doing so was probably the right thing (maybe the only thing) to do.  I've read that thread and I've read the responses to it in this thread, (particularly from you and Trish), and I wonder if we are all reading two completely different threads.

What I know is that I (we) was (were) under attack.  This forum was under attack.  Of course it's just a perception.  But perception might as well be reality in most cases.  When you feel attacked and threatened, often times you launch into protective mode.  Some would say that the responses in that thread were inappropriate, (DavidNC your messages did not go unnoticed).  But I see it differently.  I saw people who felt threatened and who decided to protect themselves and this forum.  People who, from time to time, have grown up having to protect themselves from an often hostile world.  No one expects to come to Aidsmeds and have their sexuality, their sex or their race belittled or made fun of.  This is suppose to be one of the few places where we should feel safe from such attacks, (perhaps that expectation is unrealistic).  So it shouldn't come as a surprise that some may choose to lash out, while others may choose to withdraw (fight or flight), when their identity (whether it be their race, sexuality or sex) is attacked or marginalized.  No matter which one you choose there are consequences.  You withdraw and hold your tongue, you end up feeling frustrated.  You fight back, you end up feeling regretful.

There are alternative responses, but I wonder how realistic they are.  Seems a bit like demanding that the sun don't rise, in order to prevent the summer heat.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the lashing out in that thread, wasn't an attack on you or Trish or whomever may see it as such, it was an attack on those who threatened the safety of this environment.  And as in any war, sides are to be chosen, brothers are sent to fight brothers and those caught in the crossfire tend to pay the ultimate price.

With the best of intentions,


Offline lydgate

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Re: My day
« Reply #41 on: July 20, 2006, 05:55:33 PM »
Cliff, that's a plausible explanation, I suppose, but a lame one. Sure, there's an answer to why every stupid or thoughtless or hurtful or even criminal act occurred. The explanation isn't equivalent to a justification. You want (or seem to want, this my perception but then perception might as well...), through a kind of tout comprendre c'est tout pardonner clause, to redefine nastiness as self-protection. Forgetting several things: that a reasonable person might reflect that two threads out of 1700 do not constitute a concerted attack on the safety or integrity of this space (strange thing, though, perception); that "counter-measures," or whatever one wants to call them, should not stoop to name-calling, scape-goating, general viciousness (the analogy with war won't do, this is not a physical battlefield, and there is -- or was -- at least a general presumption of civilized behavior); and that we have an identity as human beings -- this is said without irony, though not without the awareness that identity theorists will consider it as naive or anachronistic -- that is above and beyond our identities of sexuality, gender, race, nationality (the threatened identities in question).

In other words, presumably responsible and sensible adults (no no, make that "constructs of identities") behaved badly, and indeed inexcusably in their attacks on Ann. Dress it up any other way you please.

« Last Edit: July 20, 2006, 06:20:20 PM by lydgate »
Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

George Eliot, Middlemarch, final paragraph

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My day
« Reply #42 on: July 20, 2006, 06:30:16 PM »
As a moderator, I feel badly that Ann really doesn't have the luxury to use the ignore feature. She sort of has to live in the nitty-gritty or forum life. Me, I have used to to some success in this forum, mainly to keep myself from getting banned for rising to flame bait by notorious bullies.

Sadly, it's part and parcel of the online experience. Civility is something that can only exist as long as everyone agrees what it is. And there are even times when civility is not the most effective solution. It makes people uncomfortable to aknowledge that, I know. But my limited experience on this planet have taught me that, often the hard way.

I think Ann has consistently handled herself with applomb and grace under fire. And while I wholeheartedly disagree with her assessment of the situation Trish mentioned, I think that her refusal to rise to the bait was admirable. Her attempt to find a nugget of connection and sincerity amid vast swatches of vitriol was a noble thing.

As for the whole notion of this forum being poisoned by a few contentious threads, I think its prudent to remember that some of us are active meth users, active alcoholics, heroin users in various stages of recovery. people with advanced HIV and the dementia that often accommpanies it, people isolated and angry and desperate.

In short, this is not a country club. It's a support forum for an illness that, for some, is the tip of the iceberg. There are people here who survive every day by the skin of their teeth. There are people who have come here with the express intent of suicide. There are people with deep psychological problems, sometimes pre-dating HIV, sometimes caused by the diagnosis, sometimes caused by the pathogen itself.

There will always be contentious threads here. There will always be outbursts, and raw seething, explosive rage and pain. Because yeah, having HIV/AIDS can be that bad. Death will do that to a girl.

Given that, I remain impressed at the relative civility of these forums against such odds, with such diversity of experience and spirit.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Cliff

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Re: My day
« Reply #43 on: July 20, 2006, 07:03:53 PM »
Jay- My comments were not meant to explain nor justify the specific actions or specific comments made by multiple individuals.  There were plenty of comments, on both sides, that were inappropriate and inconsiderate (hurtful even).  And certainly my intention was not to explain nor justify the actions of those who sent private messages to Ann.  You'll need to get those answers from somewhere else, if that's what you seek.

Whether we like it or not, people are imperfect and will express emotions in ways that may not always seem "reasonable" to you.  To suggest that everyone should never get offended, never feel hurt, never feel betrayed, never feel ashamed, (or any other emotion that tends to push people towards a fight or flight response), is asking too much of folks.  And I'm not even sure anyone would really want to live in that kind of world.  Our emotions make us human.  That's not to justify, (as I can see an debate happening), every emotion or response to an emotion.  Nor does it mean that effective channeling of emotions isn't to be desired.


P.S.- I get the human race bit, but it's not my reality.  And I doubt it's the reality of most (umm, anyone).  We are who we are because of our identity, (both how we see ourselves and how the world sees us).  I don't think anyone can, nor should, escape their sense of self.
« Last Edit: July 20, 2006, 07:06:17 PM by Cliff »

Offline lydgate

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Re: My day
« Reply #44 on: July 20, 2006, 07:29:12 PM »
Well, plenty to say in response to the last two posts, but this not quite the place to say it; and, at any rate, meta-level discourse about such things as civility, emotion, identity etc quickly becomes incredibly soporific.  ;) But I'm grateful to Jonathan and Cliff for their pasionate posts. Jay
Her finely-touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

George Eliot, Middlemarch, final paragraph

Offline Dachshund

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Re: My day
« Reply #45 on: July 20, 2006, 07:45:46 PM »
Apologies to Ann if I hijack her thread for just a moment...I think she will understand. I awoke this morning to a heartfelt PM from Ann expressing concern, looking for understanding, and expressing friendship. She will never know how much I appreciated her message.

As the only female moderator Ann is by default the defacto mother figure. Like it or not, you are, and you do it with grace, intelligence, humor, and strength. Fair or not, I think we were looking for you to stop the pain. We wanted our mom to be on our side, recognize our hurt, and stop it. We should not ask you for so much, but we still wanted it. We needed it.

It became ugly because sexism, racism, and homophobia are ugly. I agree with my brother Cliff on this...in our anguish we chose to fight. I hope everyone can understand.


Offline MSPspud

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Re: My day
« Reply #46 on: July 20, 2006, 11:00:52 PM »
Ok, I hate being cheesy Ann, but you're loved here and especially by me.  I totally got what you were trying to do on that post and think you rock for being inclusive.

Offline carousel

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Re: My day
« Reply #47 on: July 21, 2006, 09:12:03 AM »
« Last Edit: February 15, 2007, 11:23:06 AM by carousel »

Offline Ann

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Re: My day
« Reply #48 on: July 21, 2006, 10:12:56 AM »
Thank you all for your support and well-wishes. I took the advice of several members and took a little extra time off from the forums (aside from Am I) over the past few days and I'm feeling well rested now. I've been working on my garden, photography and watercolours, as well as writing. I love to vent via art.

For the record, it was only one person who sent the nasty PM. It is winter where he lives, so the current heatwaves so many of us are experiencing had nothing to do with his vitriol. Perhaps he is dealing with his own issues at the moment - not that it would be an excuse to take it out on ANYONE in this forum, but it might explain his recent attitude and behaviour. I hope he sorts himself out soon because it can't be pleasant to be feeling so bitter, twisted and angry.

I thought I'd take the time to reply to everyone who posted here individually, because your comments all mean a lot to me.

Little Steve, Thanks mate. You're a good stick too.

Jonathan, How about off-colour? Hugs right back at ya.

Lisa, Thank you for your love and concern. Love you too hun. I'll let you know what my numbers are when I find out in the second week of September.

Jordan, You're more than welcome - I'm glad I've been a help to you. Hugs to you too.

Steve, I don't see much of my daughter, she's always either doing her waitressing or out with her mates. We do usually touch base once or twice a day though and yesterday I helped her move her bedroom furniture around. Ugh! And thank you for your thoughts.

Birthday Guy, Thank you. I hope you know how much you are loved and appreciated here too. Love ya mate!

Zeph, I am a strong supporter of free speech, especially here on the forums. Peter Staley is also a firm supporter of free speech and I've learned a lot from him on that score. However, freedom of speech comes with the responsibility to not be abusive. Sometimes it can  be a thin line between voicing an opinion and being abusive and it's not always easy to know where to draw that line. And thank you for your kind words.

Michael, Before all this happened, I was writing a blog entry about how I knew my sister was gay even before I had the vocabulary to talk about it. It seemed the most natural thing in the world to me and I still feel that way. I haven't gone back to finish that blog, but I will soon. We're all human beings underneath it all as far as I am concerned.  Hugs...

Chris, Thank you for your support. And you're correct of course, bullshit isn't worth my energy.

Teresa, I'm glad Andy and I were able to calm your fears and I can't tell you how happy I am that you tested negative. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for your husband. I hope he feels able to join us here someday too. Hugs...

Shane, It's bollocks. Thanks for thoughtfully swearing in British. :D Rest assured that I do get fed up with some of the posters in Am I... but I don't always write what goes through my mind. ;) Thanks for your support. Hugs....

Eric, How do I do it? First, I turn on the computer, then I log into Aidsmeds.... LOL :D Hope you're feeling better.

Eldon, I remember all too well what it was like to not only be new to hiv, but to also be new to computers and the internet at the same time. There were a few who helped me figure it all out back then so I figure the best way to thank them is to pass on what I've learned to others. You take care to.

Joemutt, Thanks! Hugs...

Robert, Thanks hun, I think you're the best too. Hugs...

Paul, Thank you, and thank you for your thoughtful and kind PM as well. I can feel the vibes! Hugs...

Melia That is fantastic news that you are getting out of the house again. I've not been able to text you back because my mobile is out of money (again!) but thank you so much for the texts you sent. I think I used up my last £££ when I sent that one response twice. Someone started talking to me when I was finishing it and then I couldn't remember if I'd hit send. Damn brainfog! :D Him-in-doors is coming round tonight, but maybe we can IM tomorrow. Hugs to you sweetie...

Pat, Hey, thanks and welcome to the forum! I don't think I've said that to you yet. I think a lot of people just need someone to listen and acknowledge their fears, no matter if those fears are founded or not. So many times it is the shame that is pounded into people's heads where sex is concerned that drives the fear. Education is the most powerful tool we have when it comes to slowing this pandemic down and I am grateful to have a place where I can do a small bit to help. I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.

Carl, I'm next in Liverpool on September 5th. I'll give you a shout closer to the time - it would be very nice to meet you. And that Mary Poppins bit cracked me up! I assure you I am NOTHING like her! :D For a start, I don't even own an umbrella; they're useless with all the wind we get on the Rock. Thanks for giving me a laugh when I really needed one. Until September... hugs...

Gerry, You're correct - my health needs to be my priority. And yes, I don't expect to be liked or understood by everyone. I was surprised at the vitriol though. ~shrug~ I'm soooo over it now. :) Hugs...

Kate, I've been enjoying your posts and maybe we can meet up sometime. Fancy a holiday on the Rock? If not, how about a day trip to Liverpool? Hugs...

Nadine, Thanks for your support. Hugs...

John, I understood that the rest of your comments were directed at a certain member of the forums, but the "Ann do your job" bit really rankled with me. I was trying my best. And yes, thanks, things have gotten better now that I've had some rest and don't have a headache.

Tim, Thank you. I'm working on a response to your other thread. I've got a lot to say and I'm trying to make it concise - something that I don't always find easy.

Mark, No, sorry, I'm not super human. If I were, I'd be working on a cure with a wave of my superhero wand. You're tops with me too buddy and an inspiration as well with the important work you do. Hugs...

JohnOso, Thank you darlin. I've taken your advice and it was a big help. Hugs...

ACinKC, Not everyone is cut out for the Am I forum, so don't worry about that. I'm not a saint by the way... oh boy am I not a saint! :D And yes, "this too shall pass" is one of my favourite sayings. Just sayin! LOL

Andy, Cheers. Thank you for your relentless support and guidance. xxx

Terry, The rubber mallet thing goes back to when my daughter was little and causing sleepless nights. Her father and I used to joke that a tap on her head with a rubber mallet would give us all an hour or two of sleep. :D Shut up? Me? Well, I do keep it shut at times. Sometimes silence speaks volumes. Hugs...

David, I suppose mother hen or nanny would be used over here. I haven't received an apology from the main person who got nasty with me and I doubt I'll get one either. I'm not losing any sleep over it though. Some misunderstandings with a few others have been cleared up. Thank you for your support mate. Hugs...

Ray, I'm having a good day today and I hope you are too. You'll always hold a special place in my heart - don't know if you know that. Hugs...

Wellington, Thank you for your support. I don't know you very well yet, but I want to say I was touched by your story of saving a mouse. Any friend of animals is a friend of mine. Hugs...

Gary, Thank you for your understanding and support. I find it upsetting when anyone who lives with hiv gets marginalised or second-best services and I'm sure we've all experienced that to one degree or another. And things are looking brighter today, thanks.

Bear60, I do try to maintain a level of professional conduct in the Am I forum. I've learned a certain level of detachment there that enables me to not get as frustrated as I might so that helps a lot. And I can imagine that it can be very difficult nowdays to be a newcomer in these forums. When I joined back in 2001, there was very little traffic and sometimes it would be days before a new thread was started in Living. Thanks for your support.

David, Thank you. My daughter just got new luggage recently and it's all pink! I would have chosen the lavender myself. I hope she loves me more than her luggage too! :D

Siang, Thank you for the lovely Gaelic Blessing. Don't be sad, I'm OK, OK?

Hal, I'm honored to call you friend too. Hugs....

Trish, I'll be discussing that whole matter in Moffie's thread... when I manage to get what I want to say under 2000 words. It's a subject that has been on my mind for years now, but it's a complicated and controversial subject and I want to be sure I don't leave a lot of room for misunderstandings. Thanks for your support. Hugs...

Cliff, I think there were a lot of crossed wires in that thread. As I was saying to Trish, it's a complicated and controversial subject and difficult to avoid upsets when discussing it. I don't think this forum was under attack, although I completely understand where some thought that. I do appreciate you have the best intentions and I hope you see that I did too.

Jay, Thank you for your comments. I don't think there is any excuse for abusive language on a support forum, no matter who is being attacked. So, I think we agree on that. Hugs...

Jonathan, You're absolutely correct when you say that there can be problems behind the scenes that we aren't always aware of, such as drug issues. I wondered if drug issues weren't behind some of what went on in that thread. Just sayin...

Cliff, I wholeheartedly agree that there is no way to avoid causing offense 100% of the time and quite often the offence is not caused intentionally. However, when abusive language is purposely used, that is when it becomes unreasonable. Using abusive language is not debate, it is abuse.

Hal, If I'm the mother figure, does that mean I get to send people to bed without their dinner? :D I understood both sides of the argument in that thread, and I also understood that some rather inflammatory language was employed on both sides. It's a crying shame too, because there is an important subject buried in there which I will be posting about in the near future.

MSPspud Thank you for your support and understanding. And yes, I do my best to be inclusive because after all, we're all in this leaky boat together. Hugs...

Carousel, Yes, sometimes I wonder why I don't just go to bed too. :D There are times though when the proverbial shit is hitting the proverbial fan and if I go to bed when that's happening, I just lie there and worry anyway. It's warm and sunny here today, but with a gentle cool sea-breeze. Sending cool thoughts your way...

Thank you everyone, and thank you also to the people who sent PMs but did not respond here in the forum. Your support means the world to me. (and I hope I didn't miss anyone out!)

Group hug!

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline bobik

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Re: My day
« Reply #49 on: July 21, 2006, 10:45:15 AM »
Group hug!


Jeeeeee your arms are HUGE!


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