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Author Topic: Today, I'm very sad....  (Read 4068 times)

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Offline dingowarrior

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  • Posts: 191
Today, I'm very sad....
« on: February 28, 2008, 03:09:47 PM »
Hello Everyone.
I need to vent a bit here...Before I do that, for those who dont know,or who forgot, or whatever..Here is a brief history about me.
I'm HIV POS. & married to a beautiful lady.The love of my life. We have a 2 year old which we conceved naturally without knowing I was HIV pos. Fortunately, my wife and son are both neg. The only reason I found out was because when we were taking out a life insurance plan, I was denide. Thats how I found out.
OK,my wife and I really wanted another baby.So,to protect her,we went thru the process of INVITRO. After the first try,she begame pregnant,I even annouced it on this board.Unfortunately,to our heart break,she had a miss carriage.
So we decide to try it again,well this time she didnt get pregnant and $6000 later,still no baby.
So after much research,and reading about a Swiss study,that  couples in our situation,as long as the pos. partner is undetectable (which I am) we can try to conceave naturally.
So, my wife took Truvada as a pre-exposure precaution ad we tried to have a baby at the time of her ovulation...First try, no luck..so we waited for the following month..Again,we tried..Well she just got her period,so needless to say,no baby.
We just had a long talk... she is upset,and has decided,that she cant risk exposure again(which I totally understand,and respect) So we will not attempt any more tries..We cant afford INVITRO any longer..So its just going to be me,her and our beautiful son which we cherish.
I guess I'm writing this because I'm truly sad that I cant give my wife another child. Its all she ever wanted was a brother or a sister for our son. Believe me we are forever grateful that we have a baby.Its just to come to this conclusion really sucks.
For the most part i've handled my HIV status very well. i'm mentally strong and physically I've never been sick. I've been undetectable for 2 years and my CD4 is about 500.
I have alot to be grateful for and I am..
I just dont like myself very much right now..In fact,I kinda hate myself..I 'm not looking for pitty,I know there is a whole lot of people much worse of than me.
But,I'm feeling what I'm feeling and I just wanted to vent..
thanks for listning/reading

God Bless
« Last Edit: February 28, 2008, 03:15:24 PM by dingowarrior »

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,517
  • 32 years positive, 60 years a pain in the butt
Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2008, 03:25:52 PM »
Hey Dingo,

I know this is a sad time for you and a tough realization.

Keep venting away, that's why we're here.


"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline Texan38

  • Member
  • Posts: 686
Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2008, 03:35:13 PM »
By all means, please vent...I know I'm fairly new here but I know this place is like a huge shoulder to cry on w/ plenty of arms to hold you when you're feeling down and can be done w/out judgement.  Cry away my friend.
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline BT65

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  • Member
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Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2008, 03:37:30 PM »
Dingo, cry, babe.  I'm sorry for your circumstances, but you can be extremely grateful that you have a son who's HIV- (and a wife).  I know that doesn't make it hurt any less. 

We're here for ya. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Condom and Lube Info http://www.aidsmap.com/Condoms/page/1044833/
Please check out our lessons on PEP and PrEP. http://www.poz.com/factsheets/fs_2014_09_prep.pdf


Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,361
  • His name is Carl.
Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2008, 03:37:52 PM »
I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings at all, Dingo.

But I think this bears mention:

There was a time not all that long ago when IVF was not an option.

A time even more recenty when these latest attempts would have been unheard of.

Point being:  Despite where you're at right now at this moment, promise thumbs a ride on the back of each passing minute.  You just don't know what may be available to you in days to come.  Ya just don't.

And in the great, big here and now...you've still got plenty o' blessings right in front of you.

It's good that you are keeping aware of that and not losing sight of it.

That said, it's OK to be feeling what you're feeling in the here and now.  Vent away.  Let it flow.

We're here.  We're listening.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,434
Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2008, 04:07:21 PM »
Hey Dingo,

You have every right to be sad.  This just sucks and there ain't nothing I can say to make it better.

Just wanted to add my voice though to let you know that you are among friends here and you are welcomed to vent at will.


Offline John2038

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  • Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
    • HIV Research News (Twitter)
Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2008, 04:30:38 PM »

uhhhh, is your story so sad ??

Sorry, but I think the opposite:
You have a wife, kid, you are in great shape, your meds are working fine and your wife have agree to try without protections.
That's a proof of love, if needed !

And your problem is at the end more a financial issue than anything else.
Your dream is to have another baby, and I can't believe that something reasonable is impossible in this world if you have the wills.

It can be through saving money, a credit to the bank, another attempt just after an undetectable lab, but you will succeed, if you want to. (Note: the swiss study mention 3 conditions to met, and among them no STDs. If you meet them, and in more take a pre-exposure treatment continued the 3 next days as far I remember after the "risk", I can't believe your wife will be at risk.
Again, the swiss study is a consensus between renewed docs, and supported by many others studies).

I know that those are just words, but it's my understanding of the problem.
You will succeed, it's all what I hops for you.

Your moods to your wife and you are down just now. Give you some time :)


Offline Winiroo

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  • Positive since 1991
Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2008, 04:48:08 PM »
I understand and I'm glad to hear you are grateful for what you do have.

I tested positive while pregnant with my youngest son. The day he was born a representative from the CDC visited me and suggested I get sterilised and they would pay for it. Thinking to myself 2 children where enough I went ahead and had my tubes tied.

After my youngest son died I spent many many years struggling with the desire to have a baby. The urge to have another child was so huge I would trick myself into thinking it was possible I could some how get pregnant. Of course that never happened and fortunately I don't have baby fever anymore.

So I understand the desire and disappointment.

Offline Snowangel

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Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2008, 05:23:08 PM »
I am sorry to hear you are going through this pain and disappointment.  You sound like a wonderful and caring father and husband and your son and wife are very blessed. I wish you the best to you and your family.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge..

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

Offline riverlassie

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  • Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder
Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2008, 05:33:03 PM »
I can in a way relate. When I was" offocially" diagnosed 15 years ago I was at the obgyn clinic pregnate. Well then they didn't give meds to infected women. And I was sent to a specialist due to my so called age of  but it actually ended up being the doctor that I had perform an abortion.And I had no family encouragement to have this baby. I was heavily into my addiction still.  I have mixed feelings at different timesover all this. But I cannot undo the past . And so that I would never be put in such a situation I had my tubes tied. Nowadays is soooo much different .   PS It was a boy.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere.

Offline dingowarrior

  • Member
  • Posts: 191
Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #10 on: February 28, 2008, 06:00:36 PM »
Thank you all for your kind words.
I am ,as we all are here, so very fortunate to have you all as my family.
I truly mean that...I consider all you folks here, as some of the very best people I've ever,never met...lol

Your words give me the strength to keep my head up.

Offline sharkdiver

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,352
Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #11 on: February 28, 2008, 06:01:26 PM »

Thank you for sharing your story and your feelings. I'm so glad you have a family who loves you. Just know we're here.


Offline Queen Tokelove

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  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #12 on: February 28, 2008, 07:06:16 PM »

By all means VENT. I have read your posts about wanting to have another child. And I think your wife is a helluva woman for taking the risk of trying it the natural way. My condolences on the miscarriage. it is good that you realize the blessings that there in front of you. I understand your disappointment and you are no less of a man.
Keep your head up. I will keep you and your wife in my thoughts.
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

The Royal Blog

Offline Assurbanipal

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  • Taking a forums break, still see PM's
Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #13 on: February 28, 2008, 07:39:20 PM »

Just wanted to say how sorry that you are having such a tough time.  This virus has stolen from you and it steals from each of us.  There's not a lot we can do except listen and sympathize, but  we are here.

This has got to be a bad time for your wife too.  While now is probably not the time, I do kinda feel like thunter that options may get better in the future . . .  and I've known a few (non-poz) couples who went the adoption route after IVF didn't work for them.  So, maybe you might want to think about reopening the discussion of options with your wife in a few months, when things are a little calmed down. 

with sympathy

5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%
2014 VL UD - 48
2015 VL 130 Moved to Triumeq

Offline lucas clay

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  • Posts: 518
Re: Today, I'm very sad....
« Reply #14 on: February 29, 2008, 03:53:57 AM »
Hang in there buddy.
Like you i didn't pass this on to my wife, it has been my saving grace through the whole mess.
We do hate ourselves at times, i think this "bug" and the meds compounds that. make us feel like less of a person in our eyes. Wish i  had some magic words to make it all better.
The best magic is to pick up that little one, the glass is half full at least.
Hope it gets better my friend.



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